Recently, I went to coffee with two young ladies I’ll be working with for at least the next year. The important thing to note is that I’d never met these ladies before. While we were politely chatting amongst ourselves, this average looking man approaches our table and proceeds to tell me that I was beautiful and looked exactly like his wife. I responded with a polite smile and an awkward “thanks.” Big mistake. For some reason, I didn’t get the “creeper” vibe immediately. For the next several minutes, he proceeded to creep us out by telling me:
1.) How much he loves his wife who looks exactly like me
2.) The reason my hair is not longer is because I don’t take care of it
3.) After flexing and asking each of us to touch his bicep, his entire body is as hard as a rock because of the navy; arms, abs, thighs
4.) How much he loves his wife who is my twin
5.) He could come to my house if I ever had car problems (Need a business card for a creepy local mechanic? I have his.)
6.) How he bathes, massages from head-to-toe and brushes the ultra-long hair of his Spanish/African-American wife daily (But it’s okay because she does the same for him)
7.) If he weren’t married, he’d ask me to call him for drinks
And then walked away….
While my new associates were (understandably) asking me if/how/why, I simply sat there completely speechless. Where the hell did this guy come from? And why me? If he’s married, his poor wife. If not, that has to be the worst pick-up line ever “You look exactly like my wife.” And why would he flex for three perfect strangers to show what 12 years in the navy can do for you? How do your thighs enter ANY conversation? Did I look inviting to this kind of ridiculousness? And why in the world would you ever tell someone you bathe your wife everyday?
I seem to have a knack for attracting the crazies, the true creepers. They must recognize my unrelenting curiosity. Don’t approach me with ridiculousness. As much as I’ll want to tell you off (and my actions and words will echo that sentiment), I find myself almost equally intrigued. Just how crazy are you? Can you top the last guy? And what do you think will work on/for/with me?
That is until you cross the line and truly prove how creepy you can be. Often, however, reaching that point (as immediate as it may be) means it’s too late to get out of a situation gracefully. Overt rudeness or a friend’s rescue are your only hopes. Just hope you have friends who want to spare you the pain rather than sit in a corner and laugh at it.
Confused (and still slightly uncomfortable),
Jo’van
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The Truth: According to Jo'van 
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