Romantic Cynic: Laundry, Love and Wifely Duties

A couple of months ago, I celebrated 3 years with my boyfriend! (Shock and applause) Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs but if our biggest issues are dirty socks on the floor and not making the bed, I’d say we’re doing pretty well. From the noted issues, you can probably surmise that we’re living together. Cohabitating!!! (Still a scary thought…)

I know people have very mixed feelings about living together before marriage. If you’re against it, I’d never argue the issue with you. To each his/her own. Just a few thoughts:

  • Living in Sin – Sure, maybe. But is sinning and splitting the rent any worse than sinning and driving home a little later?
  • Waiting for Marriage – Not every couple is looking (or should be looking) to get married. I found a button a few years ago that still makes me chuckle. It reads ‘It’s not premarital sex if I’m not planning to get married.”

But I digress…How my boyfriend and I came to cohabit followed a series of events including floods, roommates deciding to cohabit with significant others, motorcycle accidents, friends possibly moving into town, and cat allergies. But ultimately, we simply decided the benefits outweighed the potential risks. After two years, all is well…

The free and generally unwarranted advice giver in me, Mama Jov’an if you will, would never suggest moving in with someone so early, Sure, some people know after 6 months (or weeks!) that this is the person they want to marry, but for us, moving in together after just a year was not in either of our “plans”. Life happened and we adjusted accordingly. My plan didn’t include sharing a living room until an engagement ring was on my finger. Oh well…

As this was the first time I’d lived with a boyfriend, some of the necessary adjustments seemed like huge inconveniences. What do you mean you don’t over analyze EVERYTHING the way I do? We’ve had “conversations” about everything from laundry not in the hamper, dishes not in the dishwasher, toilet seats not being down, egg shells, type(s) of milk, shoes not put away and on and on. As you can possibly imagine, these “conversations” are actually hints/complaints. I wouldn’t say I care more than he does. I just care about more things than he does. (Did you like how I did that?…)

To give him his due credit, my boyfriend is awesome and has made more adjustments for me than I could probably name off (although I’m sure he’d have no problem listing them). He has been very respectful of my particularities (rather than peculiarities). There may be many more things I like to add to the list of things “we” have to work on to live in perfect harmony but he’s been a trooper. And we’ll both continue learning how to adapt to each other and sharing our space. I, of course, was already perfect so….

As we expected, our parental units were/are not too keen on our current life style choice. My mother gave us an oh-so-subtle deadline for engagement (that we’ve already passed…). His father has applied similar pressures. His grandmother has no words and mine have no knowledge. The only parent who didn’t seem too upset was my stepmother.  She just asked how it was going. However, my favorite response so far has been my dad’s.

After recovering from the shock of learning we were living together, my dad proceeded to tell me how he’d really liked girlfriends but never enough to sacrifice his freedom. He informed me my boyfriend’s friends would expect to visit and stay (not understanding that had happened before he officially lived with me and my bathroom had been destroyed). There was some more uncomfortable fatherly blustering before the crown jewel was delivered. My dad warned me not to “assume wifely duties”.

It took everything in me not to laugh at that moment. It was really funny but I was trying to be sensitive to his current state of mind. While I was SO curious what exactly he meant by “wifely duties”, I decided to let it go and have chosen to assume he meant things like doing my boyfriend’s laundry and all of the cooking and cleaning. I understand and respect my dad’s concerns. He’s probably worrying about milks before cows… And while I wasn’t at the time we moved in together, I will be ready for marriage one day and will want more or to get out. However, I’m okay with a trial run.

And that’s what this really is – a trial run. We’re learning if we can live together.  If we really struggle, we wouldn’t expect things to get magically better by introducing rings and a stressful, expensive ceremony. And if we’re living together, it’s natural (and healthy) to assume we’re grocery shopping together, cooking together, sharing a closet and hamper and doing laundry together. It’s all a give and take. Some things are either more important or more interesting to one of us than the other. (Because I read clothing labels and he doesn’t) I’d rather do the laundry. As I know nothing about my car, he’d rather fix a headlight. I like trying out new recipes and don’t mind cooking for both of us (although to be fair, he cooks a lot and helps me). And he’s willing to walk my cockapoo when I’m running late. He’s also sweet enough to put the seat back down. Swoon

Dirty socks and dog poop are the less exciting parts of living together. But we’re happy to help each other and are well on our way to figuring out how to do this.

Waiting for the dryer to finish,

Jo’van

August 16, 2013
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: What Daria Thinks About Valentine’s Day

I saw this post today and had to share.

Daria Morgendorffer

Philosopher and former TV star

MTV’s Daria Morgendorffer Tells Us What She Thinks About Valentine’s Day

Glenn Eichler developed and served as executive producer for the MTV series “Daria.”

As told to Glenn Eichler…

I always just assumed that when the inevitable happened and The Huffington Post finally begged me to write for them, I’d take a cue from my fellow celebrities and blog about an international humanitarian issue dear to my heart. Golf Clubs for Orphans, that sort of thing. And yet here I am being asked to write about Valentine’s Day, I suppose because they thought my somewhat low tolerance for sentimentality would make it amusing. You know, like having a bond trader write about basic human decency. And it’s true that sappiness leaves me cold. I remember being invited to a birthday party as a child, watching a video of the movie E.T., and being the only five-year-old in the room who booed when the bug-eyed little freak’s heart started back up. Come to think of it, that’s the only birthday party I remember being invited to as a child.

But Valentine’s Day is by no means my least favorite holiday. For instance, just five weeks ago on January 6th, we had the Christian feast day of Epiphany. I can’t stand Epiphany, because the whole day I feel like I should be having one. Yet when it’s all over and the sun goes down, my sister makes no more sense than she did when it came up. Some mysteries are too big for epiphanies, and Rosetta Stone doesn’t make a Gibberish edition.

At least Epiphany is a real holiday, though, and not one of those phony ones Hallmark came up with to sell cards, like Administrative Professionals Day or Friendship Day or Clergy Appreciation Day or my mother’s birthday. Hey, Hallmark, I’ve got an idea for a new card-sending occasion: “National Hallmark Comes Up With A Card Whose Insipidness Doesn’t Make You Retch Day.” We can celebrate it every year on the 33rd of Nevruary.

As a kid, by the way, my favorite holiday was May Day. Not because of the crocuses peeping their heads up or any of that crap, but because I would wake before dawn, tiptoe down the hall to my parents’ bedroom, throw the door open so it banged against the wall and yell, “MAYDAY! MAYDAY!” Then I’d consult my watch to see how many seconds it took my father to realize the bed hadn’t been hit by a German torpedo and it was okay to crawl out from under it. Man, that never got old. Unlike my father, who for some reason seems to be aging prematurely.

Anyway, my point is that I don’t have anything against Valentine’s Day. In fact, I think it’s kind of cute. If couples want to surprise each other with flowers and chocolates and dinners and jewelry and pharmaceutical-grade ecstasy, accompanied by heart-shaped cards reading “I love you more than life itself and [your transgression here] will never happen again,” more power to them. Some say the day just forces us into a spiral of anxiety; unable to articulate our feelings, we try to compensate with cards and gifts and uncomfortable new positions that, honestly, don’t show either one of you in your best light. I say it can’t hurt for Americans to be reminded once a year of their basic lack of eloquence. Then maybe they’ll shut up when they’re sitting behind me at the movies.

Besides, Valentine’s Day always precedes one of my absolute favorite holidays, February 15th, “National Half-Off Every Piece of Red-Foil-Wrapped Sugary Crap in CVS Day,” the day I really get out there and do my bit for America’s economy. (And before you fire off your angry tweetmails, I’m well aware that February 15th is also Susan B. Anthony Day, when schoolkids learn about women’s suffrage, except in Texas where they learn about America’s proud heritage of uncirculated dollar coins).

And I myself am not utterly without romance. I am seeing someone right now — I’d rather not give any details, except to say proudly that he does not wear a house-arrest anklet — and he and I are planning a traditional holiday celebration. Tonight we’re going door to door in Santa hats, caroling “Good King Wenceslas” at the top of our lungs.

That ought to liven up a few candlelit dinners.

February 14, 2012
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), The World...As I See It (Everything Else) . Tags: , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: The Relationship15

I couldn’t resist.  The song I wish a man I love could sing/say to me and mean AND Miss Piggy and Kermit!!!!

Musiq Soulchild’s “Don’t Change”

When we go off to college, we quickly learn about the famed “Freshman 15”.  Supposedly, the first year you’re away from home, you’re supposed to stop eating vegetables (because your mother’s not making you) and pledge to exist on pizza and beer (bought by cooler, older juniors and seniors or the weird kid down the hall with a fake ID).  This waist enlarging myth was recently debunked by researchers at Ohio State.  (Refer to the NYTimes) According to the study, first-year students gain on average 3 lbs.  15 is an extreme exaggeration.  Heavy drinkers gain more (lite beer, anyone?…) and students with a job tend to gain less (other priorities and possible movement beyond reaching for the phone with Pizza Hut on speed dial).  Makes sense, right?  Ok, a myth debunked.

Besides college, the other time of great weight gain (non-pregnant) people my age discuss or consider a given is what I’m terming the “Relationship 15”.  (The 15 is not necessarily part of the general description but it’s a rough estimate for my recent gain.)    Supposedly when you get into a long-term relationship, it’s very likely that your happiness will be visible in your growing wasitline.  (This is also something said for recent newlyweds.)

There are a number of possible reasons for the “more of you to love”:

1.) Keeping Up Bite for Bite – Sometimes when on dates or out with friends, it’s tempting to keep up with your significant other bite for bite.  When you first start dating, it may be tempting to order a salad and appreciate your favorite pair of Spanx.  After all we like to put our best, manicured, permed, new outfitted, stiletto-ed foot forward.  A few months in and fried cheesesticks and sweatpants might be sounding pretty good.

2.) Indulgent Meals – Dates often give us an excuse to eat the things we want.  When you go out with friends, the favorite, cheap restaurant or dish might be your goal.  If you’re anything like my friends and I, you want it to be good but may not be ready to drop $50+ to hang out with friends.  Some people (i.e. I) use dates as the perfect way to try that new restaurant.  If you’re going somewhere new, you might be tempted to try whatever grabs your interest or the house specialty.  Get dressed up, order wine, make it an occasion.

3.) Alcohol – Along the same lines of indulgent meals, increased alcohol consumption might add a few ounces to your pounds.  While you may struggle to justify having a beer or glass of wine by yourself, having someone to share that new or favorite might be the perfect excuse to indulge.

4.) Heart to Stomach Key – The old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” is debatable but embraced just the same.  When I was single, I cooked “good” meals when I craved them or had a particular occasion to plan for.  As a woman in a relationship, I’m more tempted to consider making more “real” meals; meat and potatoes, more than a shake or a salad.  There’s also a desire to impress.  I was never grown up enough to host or attend “dinner parties”.  With a man, there could be a “dinner party” everyone night if I had the available patience and groceries.  (Although, I will not be cooking or cleaning by myself.  That’s an entirely different post for a later time…)

5.) Adopting Bad Habits – The more time you spend with someone, the more traits you (can) pick up from them.  Eating habits are just one of them.  If you have a problem with restraint but your significant other likes to have options on hand, chances are their supplies will dwindle while your pant size increase.  If your significant other eats light and early but you enjoy late, full, heavy meals, you may see your other getting  a little more bootylicious. Etc…

6.) Workouts Interfering with Cuddling – When you’re in a good relationship, it’s normal to want to spend as much time with that person as possible.  I’m not condoning anti-social behavior but wanting to cuddle rather than doing most things you do to fill up your time is understandable.  There are many reasons to workout including vanity, control, to fill up time and because over all health is important to you (ugh).  If you’re like me and it was a mix of some of these things, a comfortable relationship can get in the way.  You’d rather be with that person than alone on a run or at the gym.

7.) Loss of Motivation – For some, working out is a means to looking good which is a means to attracting a man/woman.  Once you’ve secured a “good one”, working hard to maintain whatever you had may not seem all that important.  In the same way, cute little dresses and heels give way to sweatpants and slippers, steady workouts can give way to questioning your gym fees.

8.) Emotional Eater – Relationships can be good and bad.  If you’re an emotional eater and things aren’t all pretty pictures, eating your feelings can make you feel temporarily better until you realize you’re still unhappy and you’ve begun trying to justify elastic waistbands to yourself.

Now no one just beat themselves up for putting on a little extra weight.  If you still feel confident and your other still thinks you’re sexy, embrace the little extra and move on.  Having more than you wanted in some places can be forgiven for having more than you hoped for in others.  Think on that…
But a little is not one or two (or three or four) pant sizes for me personally.  Physical attraction often plays a big part of the inital formation of new relationships.  While a relationship built on love and devotion can be hard to shake, a dramatic weight gain in a few months time could probably still hurt.  Thinking you’re getting one thing and being handed something else a little while later can make some people reconsider the whole thing.  And that goes for more than just weight, people.
Do what you have to do in your relationship.  But if you’re unhappy with your current physique and believe your relationship may an underlying cause, make it a point to figure something else out.  Ask for encouragement, explain your concerns, figure out if you can be workout buddies and above all else don’t stop being the you you want to be because someone else loves you.  If they really love you for you, they’ll understand the importance of taking care of you (mentally or physically, whatever your motivation).
Despite writing this post while digesting a Thanksgiving dinner/platter, still getting very fed up with her Relationship 15 (or 18 if we’re really being honest),
Jo’van

November 24, 2011
Categories: Eye of the Beholder (Self-Image), Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Project or Prospect

I’m not sure if this is something unique to women (somehow I feel it just takes another form for the men)… But when a girlfriend enters a new relationship, beyond the “what’s he look like”s and “how’s he treat you”s, you start to discuss the possible/probable cons. It’s kind of like a job interview, when you’re asked to describe your weaknesses. Every employer/girlfriend, expects you to turn a fault into a virtue with your best attempted pr finesse.  (If PR 101 hadn’t been at 8am freshman year, you might’ve learned more.)  But unlike a job interview, most of the responses you give a girlfriend are things that YOU want to/think you can help him change.

I don’t have any friends bold enough to flat-out ask the question, so we all beat around the bush.  “Oh so, he’s a little chubby? That’s ok. He’ll keep you warmer in the winter. But do you think could you work out together?” “Kind of a slob? Bachelors’ apartments are always disgusting. Think you can help break that habit?” “Fart jokes and prized belches?… How old is he again? Is there hope beyond that?” We never ask the real questions.  “Are you going to be able and happy to accept him for who/what he is right now? Or just what you hope you can turn him into?” In other words, “Is he a project or a prospect?”

Now the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. A project may warrant the effort because you’re hoping for an eventual prospect but “eventual” is the key word.  Through movies, tv, books and magazines, women are taught we are responsible for “molding” our men. And not to sound sexist, but that is partially true. However, not for the reasons we’re taught to think it is.

No one is perfect (or perfect for you, if you prefer the distinction). In every relationship, friendship, work situation and prolonged interaction, we grow.  I learn more about myself in my interactions with other people than I do in simple self-reflection. Thinking you’ll do (or not do) something is entirely different than being faced with the actual situation.

In some cases, you change or “adapt”just to survive. Hard ass boss – you learn not to wear your emotions on your sleeve at the office.Disrespectful roommate – That little extra rent may be worth it after all. Nosy church people – your relationship with God is exactly that – YOURS.

In other cases, your change is due to previously unconsidered considerations. (Yes, I know that’s wrong and I don’t care.  🙂 ) If a friend’s father has passed away, you reconsider the regular complaints you make about yours.  If a boyfriend doesn’t curse or drink, you may reconsider your bad habits/indulgences. If you feel you’re being passed up for opportunities at work for people with more positive attitudes or better presentations of themselves, you may be honest enough with yourself to realize there’s more too it than just getting the job done.

Whatever the reason, we change to better suit our situations… Or we just change situations.  The belief that women mold their boyfriends/husbands is true.  But both parties are molded.  The molding is not a skill one person possess but the willingness of one person to make the other person happy.  Any relationship worth keeping requires give and take.

Women typically see themselves as being molded less than their male counterparts because for the most part we’ve been molded our entire lives.  Yes, I know I may be exposing myself to a feminist firing squad but I’ll stand by my claim nonetheless.  We women have been “encouraged” since birth to move toward the nurturer, mother, wife, peacekeeper.  Of course those roles don’t work for everyone, but many men and women still believe women are/should be the calmer, organized, stable, considerate, “fairer” sex.  Regardless if you agree or not, it’s a general assumption. Family is the ultimate goal, if not the defining factor of your life.

Men, on the other hand, are encouraged to be the provider and protector.  However, until there is a family to actually provide for and protect, they are encouraged to “sow their oats” and enjoy their youth.  Dare devil sports, motorcycles or crazy cars, drinking heavy, clubs, multiple girlfriends at once, video games, tailgates, vacations, etc.  Men are taught to “do it while you can.”. Family may be great and the ultimate goal but it will still rob you of a bit of yourself.

When a couple begins, they independently decide what their ultimate goal will be. If it’s temporary (usually because they’ve already determined it’d be too much work to be happy), the amount of work will be minimal. Have fun until it’s not fun anymore. Pretty simple.  However, if there’s potential of “something else” (whatever that means to you), then the investments are made.  Unfortunately, those investments can often come in the form of complaints ( or just requests if you’re skilled at not sounding like you’re nagging) and concessions.  With every statement, you decide who cares more about that particular issue and if the benefits outweigh the costs of giving in.  Relationships are very transactional.  We just don’t ever consider them that way.  For some reason, a balance sheet isn’t considered romantic. Go figure…

Prospects are really projects but projects usually aren’t really prospects.  Project – He’d be great if…  Prospect – She’s great even though…  There will always be buts…  The oldest, happiest couples tell you they learn more about each other everyday.  No one person stays the same.  Life simply doesn’t allow it. Therefore, no relationship can stay the same.  But if you go in ready to “fix” someone to what you want,  failure is probable because you didn’t really want that person to begin with.  That’s not to say you can’t see potential in a person but you also can’t fully define what the embodiment of that potential should look like.

Love can’t be forced and neither can personality changes.  The most meaningful, long-lasting changes are choices.  Choosing to love means choosing to change. You just have to make sure the changes you make or desire don’t lead to bitterness or a feeling of loss of self.  Couples may work as units but they are still comprised of two independent thinking, independent feeling people.  The view of a healthy, working unit is thanks to constant consideration of how the other person may feel about a situation.  He and I.  She and I. Always.  That type of consideration doesn’t come form a successful project.  Just ask Kim Kardashian. (Too soon?)

Wondering if she’s a project herself,

Jo’van

Sorry the post was so long.  It’s been too long since I’ve posted and I just got a little excited…

November 9, 2011
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Can’t Rationalize Away Missing Someone

Keri Hilson’s “Energy”

It’s been a few weeks since I returned to single (hopefully not fully returning to perpetual singledom but we’ll just have to see…) and I’m wondering why it continues to weigh on my mind.  It’s not that I’m taking it badly per se.  In fact, I’ve realized and rationalized this particular breakup enough to be able to list out what I learned and prepare to carry those lessons into the next relationship (maybe).  Plus, being two relatively mature and rational people, we ended things on “good terms.”  Neither hates the other person or feels overly guilty (my personal gauges for a clean break).   That’s great, right?

Normally upon ending a relationship, there are some strong feelings.  You either can’t stand the person and relish in being angry, are heartbroken and wallow in your misery, or know you didn’t treat that person fairly and hide from your guilt.  Those are all feelings I understand, can rationalize and know how to handle.  Unfortunately, I don’t find myself able to relate to any or just one of these reactions.

I am both hurt and angry that someone I cared about no longer cares about me.  Although I can’t help but wonder if I cared so much because he’d become a regular part of my life in a relatively short period of time or if I made him a regular part of my life in such a short period of time because I cared so much.  Semantics.  The important thing is that I cared, had gotten used to having him around and now he’s not.  A man I developed affection for was no longer willing to play an active role in my life.  And to be completely honest, I wasn’t all that willing to play the part he wanted me to play in his.

But I also feel a little guilty for not being able to ignore how my actions and emotions might have been interpreted and received.  I was told point-blank what was needed of me and I only gave what wasn’t vulnerable.  Although there were questionable and shady going-ons, I decided to just enjoy myself with him, with us.  So in addition to hurt, anger and guilt, I now just feel normal again; single, in control, not bitter but guarded.  The problem is that that normal is no longer necessarily the desired feeling.  I was enjoying feeling special again.

As I find myself evaluating this lose, I am annoyed that I genuinely miss him. But the thing that annoys me more is having to admit (and therefore address) that I miss us even more.

Missing a person is normal.  It’s natural.  It makes sense.  If you spend enough voluntary (important distinction) time with someone, you’re bound to grow fond of them, close to them.  If they happen to be attractive, available and of the gender of your preference, it’s quite possible that fondness could develop into a more physical expression.  Once they’re gone (for whatever reason), you’d have to be extremely cold or indifferent not to miss that person and/or being with them.

However, what I’m begrudgingly realizing is that I also really miss the thought and feeling of being a part of an us. I miss a hand on the small of my back.  A whispering baritone voice sending chills down my spine.  Hoping someone in particular left you that blinking message on your phone.  Knowing someone wants to see you after a long day at work.  Daydreaming.  Feeling attractive.  Worrying about being attractive for/to one person in particular rather than any and no one.  Having an excuse to even entertain the idea of being sexy.  Smiling for no reason anyone around you will understand.  Not wanting to be alone and having one person who’ll enjoy just being with you, no agendas.  Not understanding why but believing someone considers you more special and finding comfort in that.  I miss being a happy choice.

While it’d be great if we’d gotten comfortable enough to do and feel those things (consistently) for each other, I understand it simply wasn’t meant to happen for us.  And while I can’t possibly understand why it would be difficult to be in a relationship with me :-), there’s no point worrying why one person in particular wouldn’t choose to.  The most important thing to note is the “not.”  Not having it/him/us doesn’t make me less.  I’m perfectly happy, capable and whole single.  I’m used to single.  Single’s comfortable.  But as painful as it is for such a fiercely independent person to admit, having it/him/us did make me feel a little more.  I’m just kind of missing that more.  I’d forgotten that special.

Failing to rationalize away missing being someone to someone,

Jo’van

April 15, 2010
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Not Reaping the Benefits

This song’s a bit more extreme than what I’m going through but aren’t most?  I heard it for the first time during my make-yourself-miserable phase of the mourning period and it stuck with me.  This is essentially what I felt he was saying to me.  Or maybe what I was hoping he was saying…  (Plus, I needed a guitar riff to honor the ex.  Most sappy r&b songs just don’t have those.)

Rascal Flatts “I Feel Bad”

I recently got out of a decent relationship with a good guy.  To be more specific, I was let go.  Much like being laid off, I saw it coming but just tried to keep smiling and pretend as if nothing was happening, waiting for the cloud to pass over.  No one wants to admit they were the one broken up with.  But I find a level of comfort in at least being intelligent and sensitive enough to not be surprised.

Anyway, 3 1/2 months in, things just weren’t working the way they should.  If we were really being honest with each other and ourselves, the same thing could’ve been said a little earlier.  1 1/2 months in, it wasn’t really working…enough.

We looked great on paper; considering the other person to be attractive, intelligent, intriguing, funny, promising.  A 14 year difference and “jungle fever” only made things more interesting.  (The latter not being a real issue but an issue just the same at times when I made it one.)

As much as I’d like to list out all of our problems and why I knew this wasn’t going to work and pat myself on the back for knowing ahead of time but trying, I just can’t.  Sure, there were things that made me raise an eyebrow or made him take a step back.  We liked different things.  When I was ready to slow down, he was ready to speed up.  Our life experiences were drastically different.  (Shit, he actually remembered the 80s! 🙂 )  His confidence can come off smug or arrogant.  My unease can come off defensive, or, worse, indifferent.  But in the end, I’d say it truly came down to one big thing that when ignored, made all of the small things eventually blow up in our faces.

This was the first “real” relationship I’ve had in quite some time, 8 years or so; of relationships altogether, nearly 4.  I don’t have a good explanation for such extreme breaks.  My feelings have been hurt.  I may have even been burned in the past.  But I can’t say that my heart was broken or that I was bitter.  Instead, I found some undue comfort in preventing those things.  Much like other actions generally tied to relationships, abstinence is the only true way to prevent…

For all intensive purposes, I would say this man is a good (not perfect, but good) man and, equally important, could have been good for me.  Unfortunately, I just wasn’t able to do what should come naturally.  Better said, I wouldn’t allow myself to do what did.

For whatever reason, I told myself not to get too excited.  I guess I thought if I kept my reactions calm and under control, I’d be able to prevent going overboard.  I went so far as to downplay my happiness and appreciation around friends, choosing to refer to him by a less than flattering but endearing nickname rather than simply using his name, avoiding the term boyfriend, trying so hard to not appear invested and vulnerable.  Unfortunately, that did not work for him and therefore we did not work.  I was actually dating a man who wanted to know what I was feeling and thinking about us.  He was the first one to speak of an us and call me his girlfriend.  I should have been ecstatic.

This is a longer post.  Depending on your reading speed, you might be in need of another song to get you through the second half.  Sade’s “Soldier of Love”

I was expecting games and slow, if at all, growth.  He offered (and similarly expected) straight honesty and a clear path to deeper.  Once I realized that he was being honest, not playing any games, I truly froze up.  I didnt’ know what to do.  It’s easy to dismiss and/or play along with something fake.  You just tell yourself you’re having a good time, going with the flow, intentionally not getting too invested, not even allowing yourself to daydream things’ll turn into something else.  Realizing someone you genuinely like may actually genuinely like you too should be exciting.  For me, however, it was terrifying and I, unfortunately and unintentionally, shut down.  Externally,  I was there, agreeing, participating, but not really giving.

I wanted to give.  Everything in me wanted to enjoy being happy and do what I could to try to make him as happy.  We both deserved that much.  And to be fair, I did give but it was only the things I’m generally comfortable giving.  I gave my time, my attention, my affection.  I didn’t give the things he went so far as to ask for; my emotions, concerns, fears, joys.

Every time I started to say or do something risky, I caught myself.  There weren’t any voices screaming in my head or flashbacks of horrible experiences.  I just didn’t trust myself, didn’t know how or where to start.  So I never did.  I was so worried what other people would think and whether my efforts/feelings would be understood or enough for him.  Unfortunately, instead of appearing scared, I simply appeared cold.  I cared way more than I let on and nobody understood that until I was upset it was lost.  I did a great job of protecting myself.  (Go me!)  In a sad way, I think I knew not trying would end it but at least I’d play some part in the decision; feeling  some sense of control albeit not positive.

While I wish I could have stepped up and done whatever my head/heart/gut wanted to do in the moment in this situation instead of overthinking and running, I still don’t really have any regrets.  I WILL be that woman eventually, maybe even as soon as next time.  I have the capacity.  I just didn’t have the confidence.  And I think it took me experiencing something that could have been real, could have been something, and essentially ruining it to get it.  His inability, or better unwillingness, to stick around hoping anymore very well might’ve been the swift kick in the ass I needed to wake up.

Despite our failure as a couple, I’m very happy to have considered this man a part of my life.  I don’t know if we’ll be friends but hope we’ll at least be friendly.  If I had a regret, it would be that he won’t be able to reap the benefits of his frustrations with me.  I’ve given more to less deserving people.  (Sad commentary, I know.)  Well…actually… I probably haven’t.  They just got more of the same…

I think I needed a  buffer to get me back into the mindset of dating to do more than satisfy a curiosity or a feeling of loneliness.  I needed something shallow for the sake of shallow but fun, a test run if you will, to get me ready for something potentially real.  Too bad this opportunity, this man didn’t come along after that buffer, rather than partially serving as it.  Things might’ve been different.  We still might not have worked out but it would’ve been because of something that happened between us, rather than something everyone from my mother to bandmate recognize to just be a part of who I am (right now), an onion if you will.  (Please note the Shrek reference.)
But he didn’t come along later, things aren’t different and you know, that’s just fine.  I’m just fine either way.

(Although, I must say, it’s a little frustrating not to be able to say something promising failed because it wasn’t meant to be, rather than being able to narrow it down to your inability to accept being happy as a realistic option.  A really wordy way to say we might’ve still failed but I wish I hadn’t have given myself an easy out.)

Ending the mourning process,

Jo’van

March 27, 2010
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Seeking Temptation

Not the perfect fit but what can you do?  Maroon 5 featuring Rihanna “If I Never See Your Face Again”

I’ve recently started to try to be more open to dating.  I’m not overly excited by it or just saying yes but self-inflicted perpetual singledom may have reached its limit.  It’s started to get a little old.  I’d have to give a little credit to my roommate/ex-wife and her boyfriend.  I don’t want him or even what they have.  But he/they have caused me to lose my perpetually single buddy.  It’s really no fun to do it alone.  I could find a new lost-in-singledom comrade or, heaven forbid, abandon the title myself.

Against my own advice, I promised a friend (actually several) that I’d start being nicer to potential suitors.  As with most endeavours (possibly) worth taking, there are going to be bumps, hurdles and tragic moments that eventually become great stories.  In a seemingly very short period of time, I’ve re-encountered the assholes, wholly entitled, douche bags, horn dogs, swingers, dirty old men, unbelievably immature, hopelessly awkward and everything in between.  I’m not expecting (or even hoping) to find the perfect man.  For one thing, I have no idea what he looks like but I’m sure it’s the opposite of whatever I could come up with right now.  And second, I’m not even going to pretend I’m ready for anything that grown-up.  But what I am looking for is temptation.

Now, I don’t mean temptation in the completely physical sense (although that’s definitely part of it).  I’m looking to be excited to see you, worry about what I’m going to wear to see you, feel motivated to do my hair, brush my teeth right before I see you, shave my legs, etc.  Some of that may sound ridiculous but it’s not really.  (Or I really am just ridiculous.  What’s the real difference anyway?)  I need to be nervous, not annoyed.  And believe me, the opposite definitely happens.  And how do you gracefully get out of a situation that’s moved toward annoyance?

I recently spent some time with a gentleman who’d crossed what was a line in the sand turning it into a gulf as wide as the Grand Canyon.  Before I get started on this poor soul, I’ve got to be fair.  He’s nice (enough), intelligent, well-educated, attentive (maybe a little too…), fluent in a language I’d love to speak, has a great career in a highly specialized area of surgery, loves to travel, and I’m sure many other things.  He had a lot of the things that I imagine I’d include in a list of ideal traits in a partner.  However, two very important things were missing: the physical and the emotional.

From the outside, it/we probably looked promising.  He was completely “into” me (although I’d be willing to bet that was mostly physical) and he seemed to be able to keep me engaged intellectually.  Sadly, that couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth.  True, he was “interested” but it was nearly impossible to determine if that was just in hopes of something physical or a genuine interest in both.  (Come on.  Let’s just be honest.  You can be as intellectually intrigued as you want to be but some level of physical has to be there to push you to continue.)  I, on the other hand,  wasn’t really “feeling” him and was already put off by the way we met.  You see, we met on Halloween.  I was intoxicated and half-naked (refer to Halloween Ho).  It’s rare that I’m that intoxicated and even more rare that I have that much skin exposed in public outside of pools and beaches.  The fact that I drew his continued interest that evening sent up red flags.  Should I take it as a compliment?  Sure.  But does that mean I care to pursue it?  Not really.  Regardless, he ended up with my phone number and called.  I had to decide if I was going to be a jerk or be a little more open.  After a little mental anguish, I thought “what the hell?”

Unfortunately, this gentleman just came on way too strong and way too physically intimate.  At dinner, the conversation was consistent but a little strained.  We were in a booth and he kept getting closer.  While I imagine he thought it was romantic, getting so close that I can’t comfortably lift my fork to eat is not hot.  I like to eat.  And how am I supposed to just take a bite when the conversation dies or gets awkward?  Get away from me.  I don’t know you.  Stop staring at me.  Don’t trace circles on the inside of my palm.   Can’t you read I’m getting tense and ever so slightly scooting away from you?  Telling me that American women are strange in the way we react to invitations and actions is not going to help your case.  I am American after all.  If you have all this background knowledge on our potential reactions, why feel the need to test your hypothesis on me?  If you decide to stroke my face as I’m tensing up and trying to get away, PLEASE don’t try to stick your finger in my mouth!  (No, I’m not kidding.  He did.)  One, I don’t know where those fingers have been, nor am I in a mood not to care.  Two, seriously?  What the hell are you doing?  If I back away, don’t get more aggressive with your desire to open my jaw.  When I ask you what you’re doing and tell you I’ll bite you if you try that again, don’t assume I’m being playful.  I’m serious.  I’ll aim to draw blood.  Get away from me.

Now, I completely understand that this particular man is not normal.  Whatever’s worked for him in the past is simply not my cup of tea.  And if I had felt anything for him, I might have been more understanding, accepting, thought some of it was cute, or willing to explain what I’d like him to do.  But because I really had no desire to be around him, I was just completely turned off by everything he did.  Yes, I realize that probably sounds mean and maybe somewhat conceited.  I’m not saying that I have all of these wonderful men lining up at my feet.  In fact, the only thing by my feet is my puppy Rodman.  But you know what?  If it’s Rodman or a man who gives me the creeps, I’ll take canine companionship every time.  When you find yourself thinking, “Please don’t try to kiss me.  I’d rather finish the DVD.”, it’s probably time to get out.  Like anyone else who’s tried it, I know it’s just not worth trying to force the attraction.

For you, attraction may not mean the carnal, physical impulse.  It could be a more subdued desire to be around/with that person.  (Hoping that around means with.  I’m not promoting stalking.)  But if you don’t have either desire, you don’t really have anything.  If you’re not finding yourself willing to sacrifice your time (and possibly finances) to “hang out” with this person, just stop now.  More than likely the other person is feeling this type of “connection” and you’re running the risk of leading them on and coming out the jerk/bitch.  Cut if off early and save yourself the excess drama.

A good friend of mine constantly tells me that I have to give people (meaning men) a chance.  The hopeless romantic, she chooses to hope/believe things will work out in the end.  Just have fun.  You never know.  (Except I do.  Or at least I’d like to believe I do.)  The best relationship this friend has been in began without the mutual physical attraction.  In fact, there were a few things about this gentleman that didn’t fit her “list”.  She tells me to give the “not gorgeous” a chance.  ( Now, to be fair, my standards aren’t that outrageous.  They’re just particular.  I can’t tell you what I like but I can tell you when I do.  Anyway…)  Of course, I’m not gorgeous.  As I like to say, I’m pleasantly average.  There are times that I can look really good but I rarely look worse that I do on average.  I’m happy with this happy medium.  With this reality and subsequent mindset, I can’t expect to attract anyone too far out of my self-described category.  Although I’ll say that it is a little easier for men.  If you’re cute, you’re just cute. Sure a haircut, fresh shave, nice clothes, etc, can help your case.  But in the end, what you look like in the yard, at the gym, in the office, at the club doesn’t usually change all that much.  Women, on the other hand, have all of these tools to make us look better (while possibly not real).  But that’s an entirely different post.  Ideas….

The one thing my friend fails to mention is that while her man may not have been her ideal physical type, there was “something about him.”  His personality, their conversations, her reactions to him made her want to be around him.  Sure, when he first kissed her, she may have thought, “Why am I kissing this fill in the blank man?”  But she wasn’t thinking, “I’d rather finish the movie.”  It’s just that simple.

Once again, a resolution-less post.  I just wanted to make the point that temptation is a must.  The type and severity of temptations may vary.  Whether you count your successes by how well you resist or give in is completely up to you.  But if you’re not distracted with a smile on your face no one else understands, it’s probably not worth your time.

Looking forward to being unable to focus,

Jo’van

December 3, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: My Ideal Woman

Now, picking a song about this topic could’ve been easy and relatively current but I just didn’t have the stomach for Kate Perry.  So instead, I’ve included a really good song by an artist who just so happens to prefer women.  Melissa Etheridge “I Want to Come Over”

My Female Type?  Hmmm, that’s an interesting question.  And as with most things that interest me, I had to spend way too much time exploring it.  I apologize if I offend anyone with my questions or scenarios but just as I make broad assumptions about straight guys, I make generalizations of women, straight and otherwise.

Let me first say that I am a heterosexual.  Not a proud one or an apologetic one, just born that way.  🙂  My physical type of man varies but would probably be tall(er than me), slender to athletic w/ dark features.  I’d like to feel he’d be able to physically “protect” me from whatever.  (Although, I imagine it would be difficult for me to let anyone take care of me.)  Personalities aside, there’s something about attraction of security.

With these attributes in mind, I wonder if I’d uphold the same standards for a woman.  Would I be interested in someone who was essentially “a big, strong man” with different parts?  Would I want to assume the typical “male/dominant” role in the relationship?  Yes, I know these “roles” are strongly based on some archaic heterosexual culture constructions and may not always apply in same-gender relationships.  But there still seems to be a dominant personality in any relationships, regardless of the gender, size, occupation, or the like.

Moving on the the physical, I have enough insecurities and issues related to comparing my body to other women.  Would it be better or worse with a girlfriend?  Would I want to be with someone traditionally prettier than me with bigger breasts and smaller thighs?  Or would a less feminine woman catch my attention? Could I be jealous of the way my girlfriend looks?  Sure, I could feel self-conscious around a really physical fit or Adonis-like man but I couldn’t exactly strive to look like him so it wouldn’t be as bad, I imagine.  I know, as with straight couples, the initial attraction is fleeting because it’s all about the chemistry. Blah, blah, blah.  But I’m more intrigued by what would attract me in the first place.

I have no answers for these questions.  I was just asked and thought I’d explore here.  I think the fact that I’m not in the least bit attracted to women and so easily distracted by fine male specimens makes it difficult to dive any deeper.  Women are beautiful and deserve to be cherished.  I’m just not the one to do it.

Angelina or Brad? Angelina’s gorgeous but it’ll have to be Brad all the way….

Jo’van

August 7, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Rebounding from Single?

Beautiful song.  The live performance is even better than the album.  But I’m just not here yet.  Do I have to be?

India.Aire “Ready for Love”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

So I’ve written a lot about being single/alone/lonely lately.  And while I have no new stories to tell to change any of that, I started thinking about something and would love to hear what you think.  Is it possible to rebound from being single?

Context:  A number of friends of mine are newly single.  (The term newly is relative to the person and how long they were in a relationship.)  A group of us are in fact celebrating “Single Ladies Night” or something like that this weekend.  Each one of these newly singled people have experienced a rebound period.  Now, I understand that technically everyone is a rebound after your first [fill in the blank] but for the purpose of this post, let’s consider a rebound to be the traditional possible-mistake-fun-temporary-distraction-from-your-loneliness-attractive person.

We often tell ourselves that rebounds are acceptable as long as you recognize them as being just that, something to make yourself feel better and to eventually move past.  Okay, okay.  You get out of a relationship.  You get to “play around” for a while.  That’s simple enough.  But what’s it called when you’re reintroducing yourself to the possibility of the opposite sex (or same, whatever works for you) after a not-so-brief hiatus?  Are you allowed to rebound from a long-term relationship with yourself?

That question may sound odd but stick with me.  Of course, as with everything on this blog, this question is intensely personal, but I think it’s a valid question for discussion.  Let’s say you have someone who’s avoided any type of more than platonic relationship for, say, 2 years or more.  And let’s also add that that person’s no longer of college age or mentality.  Does this person have to jump into something, date with a higher purpose, or put any other such limitations on themselves?  Can they just treat this time as a rebound period to eventually move past?

Leaving perpetual singledom, a place with total control of your actions, emotions and circumstances, can be scary if not handled delicately.  Is there room for working your way back in, the kiddie pool of dating?  Yeah, that sounds about right; shallow, instantly warmer than the big pool and no need for the assistance of a ladder out.

Of course, no one should enter a relationship prematurely, just because it sounds like the “adult” thing to do.  But if you’re not emotionally scarred, do you have an excuse to be selfish, blinded by temporary intrigue, or even, heaven forbid, opportunistic?  I’m not saying I’ve done any of this….  But I’m also not saying I’m not capable.  IF (yes, big if) a long-term single were to partake in some temporary intrigue, can you call it a rebound?  Or are there other choice terms they’d be labeled with?

Hypothecially asking of course….

Jo’van

July 16, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

Romantic Cynic: What’s on Your Men-U/Fine List?

Back in high school, my friends and I would create these obnoxious but innocent enough lists, Men-U’s if you will, of the qualities we were looking for in a boyfriend.  They would say things like “nice arms, over 6’1, gets along with my friends, smart enough to help me with Calculus homework, etc.”  Whatever the case might be, these lists made us feel we had the right to strive for something idealistic.  Obviously, none of us would fulfill the ideal lists, Fine Lists, any of our male classmates might come up with but oh well.  While the lists were very limiting, they were all in good fun and we knew no such “perfect” person existed but we could at least hope.  Maybe they just helped us prioritize.  I always said they weren’t in ranking order but maybe they should’ve been…

Anyway, it’s been years since I created one of these lists and hope that I’ve outgrown them but a comment a friend made recently made me think about these lists and what a revised 2009, 25-year-old version would look like.  While Chivis has known me for three years, she’s never seen me “with” someone.  The random “he’s cute” here and there was all she had to determine “my type”.  So after old and new “friends” started to emerge and she’d seen their pictures, I was told that I would need to lower my (physical) standards for Austin.  The personalities of these friends are all very different and there is something endearing (at least to me) about them but that particular conversation came down to the physical.

No offense to the men in Austin.  I’m sure there are plenty of handsome, single, straight (very important distinction for Austin I’ve learned) men here but I’m just not being as lucky at drawing their attention as I might have been other places.  There are plenty of reasons for this that we’ll not need to go into.  It’s just interesting to me that from seeing the photos of three male “friends”, Chivis decided my problem was not my personality, where I am or am not meeting people, the people I’m meeting, or anything else like that.  It was my standards and my physical standards at that.

Granted, I will have to admit that the three “friends” she did see were very attractive but at least for two of them, that’s not the first thing I noticed about them or what drew me in.  For (almost) every guy I’ve ever been interested in, their personality was much more important than their physical.  Yes, attraction must be there and I’ve learned the hard way that trying to “create” the physical attraction is just not a good idea. But I’ve also learned the hard way that just attraction equals near immediate boredom.  I can’t afford more boredom in my life.  I need excitement, challenge, intrigue.  If looking at a picture can give me just about everything being with you can, I’ve got to move on (as sad as it may be to watch you go).

I’m not sure if the items on my Men-U have grown or shrank but I am sure they’ve evolved at least a little.  Nice arms and over 6’1 would still be great but I’d be more than happy to give up a little firmness and a few inches for a similar sense of humor and the ability to just sit in silence together.  Little things, really.  In high school having  a boyfriend/girlfriend was almost a status symbol.  Now it seems like it means you’re lucky or skilled enough to draw someone else willingly into your craziness.

What’s on your Men-U/Fine List?  Are all of the things that were SO important to you when you were 16 still important?  If you’re in a relationship or just out of a (for the most part) really good one, what did you give up or settle on?  What things did you get that you never knew you wanted?  The perpetually single one would like to know.

Wishing she could find just one of those lists from junior year,

Jo’van

July 12, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

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