No Patience for You: Why I Am Not a Fan of Outdoor Cat Owners

My roommate and I recently moved and I am so excited.  We’ve upgraded from a 2nd floor apartment to a house with a fenced in backyard, much larger kitchen, 2-car garage, amongst other things.  The rent’s a little higher but well worth it, more space for us and more space for our two dogs.  Now we can wake up and just kick the dogs outside to do their business rather than have to get dressed, leash them, etc.  With every good thing, comes a bad.  We now are responsible for maintaining a yard; mowing the lawn, trimming the trees and hedges, etc.  With all that we’re getting, that’s not so bad.  The lawnmower’s even included.  So what’s my issue?  Our neighbor’s cats.

The lady next door to us has at least 6 outdoor cats.  The one time I’ve spoken with her, I counted a half a dozen cats sitting in her yard, climbing on our fence, sitting on her front porch, sitting on top of my car and rubbing up against my leg.  Jokes about crazy cat ladies aside, I agree anyone is should be able to have as many pets and they like and can take care of.  As long as you keep a clean home, feed and care for them, cats are generally independent animals, often considered the easiest of the huggable domestic animals.  And despite the fact that I’m allergic to them, I don’t dislike cats.  My problems are usually with their owners.

As a sensitive dog owner, I am generally annoyed by the concept of outdoor cats.  Anytime my dogs growl at someone or something, poop in public and I have to search for a bag, lick themselves when other people are around our do just about anything else that’s not considered “best behavior”, I get embarrassed.  Yes, I know they are just dogs and will do things dog-like.  And I love them for it.  However, as a pet owner, I realize they are my responsibility.  If they scare a child at the park, I’m responsible.  When Rodman bit someone last winter, I was responsible.  When they poop in public, I’m responsible for cleaning it up. And on and on.  They are our furry children.  However, it seems outdoor cat owners do not feel this same level of public responsibility.

Outdoor cats are notorious for annoying non-cat owners/lovers.  Between the cats in this neighborhood, those at our old apartment complex, and those my neighbors had growing up, outdoor cats have sprayed my house (worse, my bedroom window), walked all over our cars, entered our yard as they like, fought under my bedroom window, gotten entirely too comfortable in my car when the door was open unloading groceries, pranced into and around our home, aggravated our dogs and treated our flower beds as personal litter boxes.  While these are all things “cats just do”, they would only happen if/when their owners decide to let their domesticated animals roam free.

If I were to let my dog roam free, he would quickly be picked up by the city, sent to the pound until I claim him, adopted out or put down.  I can’t simply put bowls for food and water on my front porch and consider my job as a pet owner done.  If my dog takes a dump in/on someone’s yard, I’m responsible for cleaning it up.   (I realize all dog owners do not do this but it is the common and legal expectation.)  Where are the cat owners when their 15 lbs cats poop in our flower bed right next to the front door?  My dog’s 15 lbs.  Their poop’s the same size.  Can I just leave it?  What about if their cat’s sick?  If/when my dogs sniff (or eat, yes, I have a cat poop eating dog) the cat feces, will anyone else be paying for the vet bills if the cat has worms?  The only way to prevent this would be still leashing our dogs and observing them as they are out and about in our own yard.  What’s the point then?

And what about me?  I’m allergic to cat dander.  Typically, I just sneeze and my eyes burn.  In severe cases, however, my throat constricts and I feel like I’m having as asthma attack.  I understand my allergies are not my neighbor’s fault.  But when she pointed out one of her cats (I can’t remember its name) and told me that’s the one that’ll climb into your car and hang out in your home, I mentioned to her that I’m allergic.  She seemed completely unphased.  I continued, letting her know that if a cat enters my car or home, I might have complications.  She just stared at me blankly.  I wondered if I’d mentioned a bb gun to prevent that from happening if she’d have reacted then…

With this woman, I realize there’s not going to be anything that we’re going to be able to do.  She’s obviously lived this way for quite some time and sees no issue with her roaming, flea-carrying, poop and dander depositing fur balls.  My roommate’s purchased a variety of anti-cat products for the yard and I’ve decided to let the dogs out into the yard anytime I see one of those cats looking for their next litter box spot.  Outside of that, I just have to live with it.  I wish no ill will for the cats and I hope Café, our 80 lb mutt, never gets a hold of one of her cats.  But I can’t help but wonder if I could send her my doctor’s bills after an asthma attack, car detailing bills after one’s nestled itself in my passenger seat or train Rodman to shit in her yard without picking it up…

Annoyed and plotting,

Jo’van

April 11, 2010
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

No Patience For You: Attack of the Killer Cockapoo

Beware of Dog. No, Seriously Beware.

Look at this face.  Don’t be fooled.  You may see the sweet face of a loving (while “special”) 17 lb cockapoo (a cocker spaniel/toy poodle mix, a designer mutt).  However, this is in fact the face of vicious attack dog named Rodman.  (After Dennis.  I mean I pretty much set this dog up to have issues.  Tsk tsk.)

About a week and a half ago, this sweet-faced puppy bit another resident of our apartment complex.  The circumstances are ridiculous and take too much energy to type out.  But let’s just say that my dog has unique and unresolved behavioral issues (my fault), my roommate wasn’t restraining him as best she could (her fault), and the “victim” reacted to our two dogs in a way that only further agitated them (her fault).  Now, I’m not blaming the victim per se.  Anything my dog does is ultimately my responsibility…  It’s just that when you encounter two obviously agitated dogs (one 80 lbs and the other 17 lbs)  on leashes while their owner/handler is busy picking up poop and the owner asks you to wait a moment while she finishes with the mandatory clean up so that she can better control her dogs, sweeping your agitated chihuahua into your arms and trying to rush by is probably not the best idea.  I’m no dog expert but I’ve heard such reactions teach all of the dogs involved that there is something to fear in their encounter.  And now that she’s actually been bitten, I imagine her belief that her reaction was the best will be strengthened.  Oh well…

Since my roommate was the one with the dogs at the time of the “attack”, I only have her rendition to go by.  But knowing our dogs, I’m sure it happened just as she said.  You see my dog has a “special” reaction to my roommate’s dog’s reaction to new dogs.  Cafe, the 80 lb mutt (from his size and coloring, probably some mix of golden retriever and border collie), loves all (well, most…) dogs.  He’s rarely territorial and is generally excited to meet someone new.  The only problem is his size and sound.  When he’s excited he sounds vicious.  And while he’s fluffy and adorable, he’s still a powerful 80 lb dog.  His harsh bark and intense reaction scare people and some dogs.  As his owner (and surrogate owner), we know he’s not really an aggressive dog.  But it’s sometimes difficult to convince other dog owners of that.  They’re understandably afraid for their safety and the safety of their dogs.

Rodman, my precious angel, has an entirely different and more strange reaction to new dogs.  When by himself, he’s generally indifferent.  Being naturally skittish and mistrusting, he typically avoids all people and dogs he doesn’t know.  (And by doesn’t know, I really mean doesn’t live with.  He doesn’t really like anyone.  So sad.)  However, when he’s with Cafe and another dog enters the equation, he gets jealous and actually bites Cafe.  We’ve never quite understood why and neither of our dog obedience trainers could explain it.  Rodman essentially tells Cafe not to look at another dog…with his teeth.  He’s a jealous little bitch.  And no matter what we do, he’s probably going to bite Cafe.  We’ve managed to calm him down a bit and brace ourselves for the attack but no matter what positive or negative reinforcement we give him, the Rodman-on-Cafe attacks never seem to end.  (And we know he bites hard.  He’s bitten my roommate by accident because she got in the way of him biting his “brother”.  It’s really unfortunate and entirely weird. He literally closes his eyes when he lunges at Cafe.  You can hear his teeth hitting together when he misses.  It’d be funny if his intent wasn’t to inflict pain…)

Anyway, this lady was bitten and rushed off.  Rather than agree to talk to roommate, even to exchange information, she just ran to the office to report the incident…

Now, let me stop here and say something.  While the general tone of this post will probably be that of annoyance, I have no ill will toward this woman or her actions.  Everything she did was justified.  It’s just that my roommate and I think a little differently and probably wouldn’t have reacted exactly the same way.  But then again, you never know.  I’ve never been attached by a vicious cockapoo…

My roommate called to tell me what happened and was leaving for a class when I got home.  We talked briefly but she had to rush off.  It was the first class and she really didn’t want to be late.  No problem.  I’d write a note for the office to explain it was my dog and to offer to provide the office and the “victim” any contact information, vet information and/or shot records.  You see the lady believed Cafe, the larger dog and also my roommate’s dog, was the one who’d bitten her.  While anything’s possible, with his history, we were both pretty confident my dog had been the culprit.  Plus, if the 80 lb dog had bitten her, I’d venture to bet he’d have broken skin.

Low and behold, the “victim” is in the same training program as my roommate.  For the next 6 months, they’ll spend every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday together.  Lovely.  🙂

To make an already unnecessarily verbose story shorter, the “victim” seems to be a genuine (enough) person.  While it’s only been a week, she (says she) only wanted to make sure he was up-to-date on his shots, she wasn’t at any risk for infection, the apartment complex was aware of the incident, and her resulting doctor’s bills were covered.  As the responsible pet owner, I wanted to make sure of all of those things as well (except for maybe the alerting the apartment complex part…).  So I got in touch with her, apologized, provided shot records and wrote her a check for the doctor’s bills (after verification).

At this point, there’s little else I can do.  The victim appears to be uninsured so what might have been a $50 tops visit for a dog bite that didn’t break skin turned into a nearly $200 bill.  Ok, ok.  Luckily, I had the money on hand at the moment.  Covered.  Although I know the apartment complex is aware, since she reported the incident and I left the apology and letter and copies of the vet records she obviously received with the office, they’ve not said anything.  I imagine since they don’t seem to have a policy on the books for this kind of thing, the lady hasn’t said she’s looking to press charges, our pet deposit is paid, the economy is down and our lease is up in 3 months, they might just be looking to sit on this.  (Aside from arguing with me that my dog had been out unleashed with a sweater on.  Now, if I call to admit my dog bit someone and I deny the off leash part, why argue with me?  What seems to be the bigger issue?  Really? Shaking my head…)

Apparently, doctor’s have to report dog bites to animal control.  So my little ball of curly black fur has a case number.  So sad.  Since he’s up to date on his rabies shot and was restrained at the time of the attack, they basically assume it was an outburst and he was defending his territory or owner, not so much viciously attacking.  Animals accused of this type of “attack” are placed on a home quarantine for 10 days.  When the animal control officer came for his first of two visits, my ferocious dog got so nervous he literally just shit in the living room.  Truly fearsome, I tell you.  Anyway, he’s since “passed the test” and has been removed from quarantine.  Oh happy day!

This whole ordeal was a mess but has forced me to reconsider behavioral based training with my dog.  Between constant peeing, shitting and vomiting when strangers enter our apartment, running away from everyone, biting his “brother” when jealous, and now viciously attacking strangers, it might just be time.  Too bad it cost me nearly $200 dollars, a potentially volatile relationship with another apartment complex resident, possible backlash from the complex and now animal control case number.  But despite it all, I love my sweet puppy and will do what I have to.  Plus, it doesn’t hurt that someone’s offered to gift me training classes. 🙂

(In an introductory conversation with the trainer, she’s already suggested puppy prozac.  Oh lord…)

Considering a BEWARE OF DOG sign for her front door,

Jo’van

Since the doctor’s bills took a good chunk of the funds I’d reserved for Christmas presents, please enjoy dogs singing “Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer”

December 27, 2009
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

No Patience for You: “My Bad” is NOT “I’m Sorry”

“Tired of Waiting for You” by The Kinks

This evening I was supposed to have band rehearsal.  Yes, I’m in a band…  Sunday evening, our keyboard player asked me to get together sometime this week to work on a song I’d written.  We settled on Thursday and I put it in my phone, making it official.  🙂

I knew today was going to be a LONG day.  And it was.  But the only things to do after a long day are relax or have fun.  I was excited to work on this song and had no problem with all of the shitty things associated with it.

  • You see we hold our rehearsals and studio sessions at our lead singers house.  He just so happens to live 20 miles from my home, 25 miles from my office.
  • With my new job, I  can only rehearse after work, which means after 5:30 or so.  Going 25 miles in rush hour traffic can easily take you over an hour.
  • Going straight to rehearsal after work means no dinner.  So I stopped at Whattaburger near his house.  They were out of chicken strips and asked me to pull around and they’d bring it out to me.  20 minutes passed and I went inside.  They’d forgotten about me and were out of chicken strips again.  They comped my meal, apologized profusely and 10 minutes later I had my meal in hand, although it was technically 30 minutes later.
  • If you arrive after 7:30 pm on a weeknight to my apartment complex, all of the close parking is taken (including by my roommate’s boyfriend).  You’re forced to park 8 buildings from your own.

All of these things suck but are not a concern when you’re doing what you’re supposed to.  Sacrifices I make to rehearse or record with my band.  HOWEVER, these things are not okay when other people screw up.

As I left the Whattaburger down the street from the house, the lead singer returned an earlier call.  He wasn’t home b/c the keyboard player hadn’t answered any calls that day.  Okay, call the keyboard player.  He started by making excuses, backtracking.  It was obvious he had no idea why I thought we were getting together.  It was someone else’s fault.  I mean no one else was available.  We’re getting together tomorrow. Blah blah blah.  When I mentioned the name of the specific song we were supposed to work on, I could practically hear the light bulb go on it his head.  “Oh, Tiff.  That’s all on me.  I completely forgot.”

Being completely annoyed, I refused to make him feel better about forgetting.  It was his idea.  He set it up.  And then tried to blame other people?  No.  Okay, okay. Shit happens.  Things get lost.  And all of the crappy additions making this situation worse are not his fault.  BUT admitting fault is not the same as apologizing.   I wanted to hear him say I’m sorry.  I’d just sat in an hour of traffic, waited 30 minutes for 3 minute food, lost any good parking at home and all I get is  “That’s all on me”?  No shit, Sherlock.  It couldn’t be on anyone else.  I just need to hear you apologize.  Be sorry I just wasted 2 hours of my life b/c you were too lazy to write an appointment you set down.

Cooling off but still annoyed,

Jo’van

November 5, 2009
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 3 Comments

No Patience For You: Retail Etiquette

It’s no wonder this song wasn’t released in the US.  Too many of her fans would’ve been offended.  But I like this song by Shania Twain nevertheless.  Or maybe b/c of it…

For three years, I’ve worked a part-time retail job.  The store and brand aren’t all that important to this post but let’s just say it’s the outlet arm of  a high-end women’s clothing store.  (Mentioning high-end is important because some customers seem to expect above and beyond customer service for potentially spending hundreds of dollars on 4 items.  But please remember, just because I work for a high-end brand, I don’t necessarily make – or care that you make  – high-end money.)

Anyway, one day,  a customer annoyed me.  Okay, I know that can’t possibly be all that surprising but it was nevertheless the motivation for this post. Upon complaining to my co-workers, the three of us devised a list of retail annoyances.  I thought we’d come up with ten or so and I’d provide witty explanations or examples.  However, we came up with about 35.  So here’s just a list of some of them.  Keep in mind lists like these are the reasons that I think EVERYONE should work in food and our retail at some point in their youth.  (Most of these points apply strictly to women but I’m sure for every one of those, men’s store associates could substitute something for the opposite sex.)

1.) Cell phones – Please suspend your conversation at the register (or at least pretend like you tried).  Also, please don’t shout as you walk through the store.  If you’re hearing or reception are that bad, you might need to go to the doctor or your provider’s store instead of mine.

2.) Disrespecting the clothes YOU just tried on.  There’s absolutely no need or justifiable reason to ball clothes up in a corner of the fitting room bench or throw them on the floor.  You came into our store partly b/c you liked the display.  It seems the same people that ball clothes up and throw them on the floor expect us to find another size 4 that not dirty/creased.  Hmmm, I wonder how they got that way.

3.) Hanging clothes inside out.  I know I shouldn’t complain about you hanging them back up but seriously, inside out?  You knew that was wrong.  If you’re putting up the effort, at least do it in a way that makes us like you.

4.) Personal trash in a fitting room.  Does a fitting room with $200+ items seem like an appropriate trash can?  If so, you have bigger issues to discuss.

5.) (Probably one of my top pet peeves) Make-up and deodorant stains you caused.  If I put a clean white shirt in your fitting room and retrieve a foundation-stained now to be considered “damaged” shirt, I blame you.  Either not wear make-up when you shop or plan to be responsible for you stains.  It’s not our fault you feel you need to hide your face.  And don’t tell me your make-up is just a little color.  We never find eyeshadow stains.  And deodorant rubs off.  Don’t stain it and then ask me to check for another medium b/c this one’s stained.  I KNOW it was you.

6.) Kids running wild.  We’re not a daycare.  Period.  I don’t care how cute they are (or you THINK they are).  A knocked-over mannequin is a liability I don’t want to deal with.

7.) Questioning associates’ product knowledge.  It’s our job to know our product.  At my store, it’s also our job to know our fabrics, cuts, the way things fit, and the sizes.  If I suggest something, don’t argue with me based on what you think your size SHOULD be.  Feel free to make your own choices but don’t disagree until you’ve TRIED it on.  Trust me, I don’t care what size you wear, just that it looks good on you.  When you wear our product, you’re representing our brand, a walking billboard if you will.  It’s in our best interest to send you out looking good.  We want more business.  When someone likes what you’re wearing, they don’t ask you what size.  They want to know the brand.

8.) Disrupting display walls.  Our store has cube walls where surplus items are folded and displayed.  Trust me, if an item is in the wall, it’s also somewhere on the floor.  There is absolutely NO REASON to unfold items in the wall, especially if they’re TAPED.  People don’t seem to grasp that concept.

9.) Arguing policies.  Unfortunately, at the individual store level, we don’t exactly have the ability to change corporate policies.  If a special situation arises, a store manager might be able to make an executive decision but if it’s just b/c you changed your mind or didn’t pay attention to the policy posted at the counter, explained by the associate BEFORE they swiped your card AND printed on the receipt YOU signed, I’m sorry but you should just be SOL.  No one forced you to buy our product thus agreeing to our policies.

10.) Unnecessarily disrupting racks.  There is absolutely no need to pull out every fourth item so that a rack looks like an alternating deck of cards.  There is no need to hang an item backward.  You’re adult enough to recognize directionality.  There is no need to knock an item onto the floor, look at it, and ignore it.  You did it.  I SAW you.

11.) Coming out in undergarments (or less) to ask a question or show me something.  You are NOT AT HOME.  Put some clothes on.  I don’t care how good your body looks, how much money you’ve spent to make it look that way, or that you have a superb level of self-confidence.  Don’t assume that my position in retail places me below, envious or subservient to you.  I might just ignore you until you decide to respect my vision and put some clothes on.

12.) Complaining to an associate about just about anything.  The prices: trust me, if they’re high, we probably don’t pay them either.  The fits of the clothes: we don’t design them.  Not everything fits us either.  Your weight: we didn’t make you eat that extra cheeseburger or whole pie  whatever the case might be…

13.) Entering a store within ten minutes of closing time.  We may be all about customer service but we’ve also just stood for 8 hours on cement floors selling clothes we probably can’t afford.  We want to go home.  Don’t apologize and then proceed to move at a snail’s pace around the store, try on half of the product and not buy anything.  Believe me when I say that we will hate you.

14.) Guilty holding.  Yes, we know that you tried on 25 items you knew (and trust me, we knew you knew) you weren’t going to buy.  But don’t feel the need to hold something just b/c you feel bad.  It’s fine.  We get it.  Allow us to put that item back with your other 24 balled-up, deodorant stained items.  There’s no need to get our hopes up that you might actually come back.

In addition, please remember that other industries are very similar to retail.  In certain aspects, pharmacy and banking are right up our alley.  My roommate is a bank teller and had these few thoughts to add.

-Don’t approach her station without your deposit/withdrawal slip filled out.  If you have a bank account, you’re probably mature enough to realize that that’s your responsibility.  But maybe not…

-Blaming tellers for your mistake.  If you miss a number and they catch it, don’t yell at them.  You should be so sensitive about your account(s) that you have that shit memorized.

-Don’t blame the bank for overdraft fees.  Sure, some banks’ fees can be ridiculous but the concept is pretty simple.  Don’t spend money you don’t have.  Write things down.

I could continue but I’ll stop there.  In closing, I would just like to leave you with a few thoughts.

1.) We have to greet you.  Don’t ignore us or give us dirty looks.  Trust me.  Most of the time we’d rather not have to (especially if you look like a bitch).

2.) Our job is to assist you and maintain a store’s appearance, not to clean up after adults looking to possibly spend money.

3.) The customer is NOT always right but we have to do our best to accommodate you, NOT break rules for you.

4.) No one knows what size you are until something doesn’t fit.  If you’re an 8, wear an 8 and you might look like a 6.  If you’re an 8 and wear a 6, you’ll look like a 1o or 12.  Cut the tags out if the sizes bother you so much.  (Or god forbid, do something about it.)

Thanks for coming.  You all have a good day,

Jo’van

October 5, 2009
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

No Patience for You: Eve, No Apple is that D*mn Good.

Note: The evening after I wrote this post was the most painful in probably 5 years.  I’m not blaming you, God.  I’m blaming Eve.  You warned her.  I would’ve listened.

———————————————————————————————————————-

(Possibly graphic, beware)

Okay, so I won’t be the first or the last person to complain about that beautiful time of the month that reminds you you are in fact a woman (not just a man with different parts) and have emerged from puberty.  Thank you, God, for this wonderful reminder.  But I am not a fan.  This discomfort and pain every 20-30 days is unnecessary in my opinion.  Refraining from discussing the disgusting, cramps, bloating and irritability are not things I need to add to my life.  As it stands, I’m bitchy and unhappy enough already.  Why can’t this time feel nice, like a warm bath or a good massage?  Why must I feel like my insides are fighting with each other and I’m the only person losing?  My special women parts are beating each other up with what feels like spiked brass knuckles and steel-toe cowboy boots.  Pain that can only be eased by potent pain killers doesn’t sound like an appropriate reminder of the magic and wonder of pregnancy.

I’m very sorry if I’m not the most pleasant for the four days while my body is reminding me I’m not pregnant and this pain is nothing in comparison to what I can look forward to in the beauty of child birth but I don’t have much sympathy for you.  Just leave me alone.  I will do my best to remain pleasant as long as I’m given my space.  I need to sleep, eat chocolate, sleep, roll into a ball, eat chocolate, sleep, work and sleep.  If anything you have to say to me doesn’t fit into one of those categories, check in with me next week.

Eve (as I call my monthly visit,  Aunt Flow, menustration or period) does not make me bitchy.  It just lowers my tolerance to annoyances.  As I told boys in high school, just because a girl is annoyed with you doesn’t mean her insides are killing her.  Maybe you’re just annoying.  If I was on my period as often as people around me thought I was, I would have bled to death years ago.

I’ve often heard that we as women should almost be happy or proud to experience this.  Men would not be able to handle it.  Somehow thinking that men have supposedly lower thresholds of pain does not make me smile or feel better.  I don’t really care if they “couldn’t handle” it.  If I had the option, I’d chose not the be able to handle it either, rather than stocking up on Aleve, chocolate, comfortable pillows and a heating pad.  Adam had to “work the land” and Eve had to suffer.  Well, we’re both working right now.  I think it’s about time we both suffer.  (Or neither, I’d be up for that also.)

Rolling into a ball surrounded by a bag of Hershey’s kisses,

Jo’van

–

Ode to Eve

Dear Mother of humanity, Christian goddess, whose appetite killed eternal happiness. No apple is that damn good.

I appreciate your sacrifices, am thankful for your existence, but I really wish you would have listened. No apple is that damn good.

You gave up heaven on earth, an unparallel paradise, utopia beyond human site. No apple is that damn good.

I don’t always listen to my parents either, but then again my father isn’t God, did you think he’d spare you the rod? No apple is that damn good.

A metaphor for the evil’s of sex, a serpent controled your action, I’m ashamed of your curiousity of attraction. No apple is that damn good.

It makes me wonder if any food, could sound good enough to make me risk, being struck down for knowledge I’m not equip. No apple is that damn good.

Perfectly seasoned steak, or the most melt in your mouth chocolate. Is any food worth the ultimate threat? No apple is that damn good.

If it had to be a fruit of the earth, why was it an apple? The cheapest ingredient in a bottle of Snapple. No apple is that damn good.

A mango, a watermelon, a peach or an orange, grapes, cantelope, honeydew and pears. What made an apple worth my monthly tears? No apple is that damn good.

Here’s a suggestion, can we just switch places? I’ll do as I’m told and stay in God’s good graces. No apple is that damn good.

I’ll trade you Eden and Adam, for cramps, bloating, pain. Paradise or bleeding, you must be insane. No apple is that damn good.

January 27, 2009
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

No Patience For You: Concert Etiquette

I LOVE Live Music!!!!  There are not many things in life that are better (to me) than a band you like making you love them by sounding better live than they do on their album.  Give me a pair of concert tickets and a comfortable pair of tennis shoes and I am one happy camper UNTIL, of course, other concert goers get on my nerves.  It may be asking too much but I really wish people could exercise a little concert etiquette when attending a live performance, especially if it’s standing room only.  A few of my pet peeves:

  • Hats — Unless it is an outdoor concert, there is little reason to wear a hat.  If you find it absolutely necessary to wear a hat, please do use all a favor and NOT wear one with a bill.  We’re all vying for valuable eye-level views.  Don’t be rude and block someone else’s if you can help it.
  • Unnecessarily styled hair — Along the same lines or hats, big or obnoxiously tall hair is just rude.  Tame it down for the concert.  I know you want to express your individuality but a mohawk is annoying at a OneRepublic concert.  If you’re on a date, I understand wanting to look your best.  But the Gwen Stefani (redistributed Texas) poof is just stupid.  Bring it down, lighten up on the hair spray and please realize the people behind you don’t care how much time you spent to make it look that way.
  • Big Curls — If your hair is naturally curly and full, I understand that it’s not always convenient to straighten it.  But could you AT LEAST put it in a pony tail.  Lion manes have a way of blocking the entire stage for the person behind you.
  • Personal Space — A.K.A. elbow room.  At a sold out concert, you cannot reasonably expect a lot of room around you.  But I DO expect to be able to readjust my weight and not feel your heart beating or any other throbbing part of your body.  There is something called too close.  If I’m not dating you, I should not feel your breath on my neck.  
  • Angling — Don’t assume that just because you got your elbow positioned in front of me that I’m going to back away to give you my entire spot.  Your elbow can just share my view. 
  • Spastic Dancing to Slow Songs — I go to a lot of slow, mellow concerts.  There is absolutely no reason to dance seizure-style to a Robin Thicke song.  Hint: If the singer says “Break it Down”, he/she’s talking to the band 99.9% of the time.
  • Talking During Opening Acts — They may not have been who you came to see but at least show them the respect of leaving the floor to get another drink.  Having a loud conversation during a quiet song is just plain rude and you probably have never performed on stage to a cold audience.  Plus, there are usually fans of the opening act who paid the big ticket price just to see them.  You can usually point them out.  They’re the ones who know all of the words and politely step back once the opening act has concluded their set.
  • Acting More Drunk than You Are — This is usually a girl thing.  I don’t quite understand why.  If you’re truly that drunk, please just do us all a favor and pull out your ponytail holder and find the nearest toilet to position yourself above.  Otherwise, shut the hell up.  This may be your night with the girls but the rest of us actually came here to HEAR the band not hope to make out with them later.
  • Making Babies on the Floor — Yes, it’s a very romantic concert.  The music and the vocals serenading, setting the mood…. IF you were home.  Hold your girlfriend, stroke your boyfriend but PLEASE refrain from rubbing and humping.  It creates a really awkward situation for everyone around you.  We’d probably give you more space if it weren’t a standing room only concert.
  • Big purses — You knew you were coming to a concert.  There is absolutely no reason to bring your Mary Poppins carpet bag to the concert.  Plan, pair it down and keep it simple.  Your big purse ends up either taking up the space of a small person or hitting me with every beat.  I seriously doubt you’re going to need your agenda, finger nail clippers, iPod connector and 20 oz bottle of lotion at the concert.  If I’m wrong, I apologize to you, MacGyver.
  • Judging People for Doing EXACTLY What You’re Doing — If you pushed to the front, don’t get mad when someone does it to you a song later.  If you screamed when they started playing your favorite song, don’t roll your eyes when someone else does two songs later.  If you tried to grab that t-shirt, don’t get pissy because someone else grabbed it first.  It’s just part of the experience.  Be prepared to be surrounded by people who think just the way you do.
  • Assuming Age Seniority — This may sound ageist but I have come to loathe old(er) people at concerts.  There’s just something about a group of 50-somethings who know they’re probably the age of my parents.  You are not MY mother.  I’m not going to let you stand in front of me because you were born 25+ years before me.  All that means is that you’ve had 25+ more years of good concerts to attend.  I’m just playing catch up.  You’re 13 year-old daughter taking pictures with her phone with the full keyboard, maybe.  But not you.

There are several other things that suck but there’s little you can do about it.  I’d love to ask all people over 6’2 to not attend the same concerts as me but then my 5’1 roommate could say my 5’9 shadow is too much.  I get it.  You’re tall.  I just have to try to get beside, not behind you.  It sucks when you get stuck behind a pole.  Just plan better.  If the person behind you is tone deaf as they sing along to EVERY song, it sucks but unless they’re screaming, it just something you have to deal with.  Just hope no one hears you when you start really feeling the music.

Considering a spiked coat for her next concert,

Jo’van

November 29, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

No Patience for You: F Me Pumps

If you have not heard the Amy Winehouse song, please do.  (The video features her healthy!!!)

Amy Winehouse “F Me Pumps”

Amy Winehouse is a hot mess but she’s made a wonderful point in this song.  A few of my favorite lyrics:

  • “You don’t like players.  That’s what you say-a.  But you really wouldn’t mind a millionaire.”
  • “You can’t sit down right cuz your jeans are too tight and you’re lucky it’s ladies night.”
  • “Without girls like you, there’d be no fun.  We’d go to the club and not see anyone.  Without girls like you, there’s no nightlife.  All those guys just go home to their wives.”

Oh Amy, you prophet.  Why do some women make themselves look so ridiculous?

Ladies, when we go out, we want to look hot, sexy, smoldering, gorgeous, whatever adjective you like.  BUT there are so many of us that confuse sexy with sexed.  There is a distinct difference.  Here are a few hints:

1.) If men look you up and down and focus on your face – Sexy

2.) If men look you up and down and focus on an asset and make sure their buddy sees it – Sexed

3.) If women look you up and down and roll their eyes – Sexy

4.) If women look you up and down and laugh and make sure their friends see you – Sexed

5.) If your clothes show off your curves but you wouldn’t be embarrassed to see your boss at the bar- Sexy

6.) If you think long sleeves make up for a deep v-neck and a mini skirt -Sexed

7.) If you know that balance can be achieved with skin exposure – Sexy

8.) If your shoes or hair (natural or weave) cover more skin than your outfit – Sexed

9.) If he considers you a best kept secret – Sexy

10.) If he considers you best kept a secret – Sexed

That’s the beginning of my list.  A few other things came to mind (ill-placed tattoos, crack-exposing pants, thongs as an accessory, bras as an accessory, “accidentally” flashing, not knowing how to close your legs in a skirt, wearing anything by House of Dereon as a dress, Charlotte Russe) but they all seemed a little too obviously sexed.  And I didn’t have anything positive to suggest as an alternative.  I don’t have enough patience, I guess.

Ladies, regardless of what you have on, above all else, carry yourself with a level of dignity.  Being half-naked with a sense of entitlement might seem odd but at least you’ll have that.  If you’re comfortable in the outfit, it’s probably okay.  (Note: I said probably.  If you’re at all unsure, change.)  Just know who you’re wearing the outfit for; yourself or the theoretical “him”.

Shelving her F Me Pumps,

Jo’van

November 25, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Shades of Understanding: New Millenium, Same White Cleopatra

Imagine 1963; the politics, the Civil Rights Movement, the Vietnam War.  Fast forward 35 years;

  • Barack, a man of obvious African descent, is realistically running for the presidency
  • Halle and Denzel have Oscars in leading roles (Morgan finally got his for supporting)
  • Oprah is arguably the most powerful woman in America (Condi coming in a close second)
  • Tyra has managed to create and host two surprisingly successful television programs (my she’s come a long way from Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated)
  • Beyonce is EVERYWHERE
  • Cool is defined by Rihanna, Kanye and Usher
  • Two of the “whitest “sports in history are dominated by Tiger, Venus and Serena.
  • My 40 year-old boss is greeting me with a daily frat boyish “Yo”, a fist pound and discussing how T.I. is true gangsta rap
  • There is a line of clothing actually called Apple Bottoms (It still amazes and mystifies me when people suffering from the dreaded Noassatall (sound it out) have baggy apples for pockets)
  • Queen Latifah, rapper-turned-actress-turned-singer-turned-actress, is the only celebrity in history (at least in the US) to have her own full line of branded cosmetics under a major cosmetic distributor (Go Cover Girl!! The Queen’s Collection in the light purple packaging.)
  • And I use all of their first or stage names because everyone knows EXACTLY who I’m talking about.

African-Americans have come a long way in 35 years.  (Permanently pigmented brothers and sisters of lighter shades, keep your head up.  There is hope for us all!)

However, the one iconic role identified with the entire continent of Africa has been once again given to an actress lacking of pigment (at least in her skin).  The Welsh-beauty Catherine Zeta-Jones is said to have been cast to play the iconic Egyptian-beauty Cleopatra in an upcoming film. Now, I LOVE Catherine.  I think she is truly one of the most gorgeous, glamorous and classy actresses of her time.  We forgave her horrible accent in Zorro and delighted in her acrobatic skills in Entrapment.  We laughed at the worst movie ever, America’s Sweethearts, and cheered her (and her wig) on in Chicago.  But Cleopatra: The Musical starring Catherine Zeta-Jones is just ridiculous!

Are you telling me that there is not one pigmented beauty (who can sing, dance and act) they could possibly cast as Cleopatra?  Not one?  And I don’t just mean throw a black girl in some gold jewelry and cat-eye makeup.  Beyonce would be a mistake.  No Cleopatra should EVER be blond.  And while I’m sure Angela Bassett could get her groove back jungle fever-style with Hugh Jackman’s Marc Antony, the features would all be wrong.  But what about Halle Berry, Rosario Dawson or Thandie Newton?

Do you think they considered any of these actresses for the iconic (and/or Oscar winning) roles of June Cleaver Carter, Queen Elizabeth, Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc or Jackie O.?  “Well, of course not, Jo’van.”  Weak cough, squirm in chair, clasp hands and lean forward for a more intimate delivery.  “It’s not that these actresses could not have done amazing jobs.  We just wanted a true historical representation.”  So why the hell the double-standard for this character?  Everyone knows she was the ruler of Egypt (which happens to be in northern Africa for all casting directors who seem to overlook that fact).

I understand why an undiscovered (more physically appropriate) actress for a film of this magnitude would not be chosen.  But at least pretend like you tried.  Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra was wrong in 1963 but it was at least understood for the time.  We’ve come so far since then.  Can’t people of African descent finally claim this one historic role on the big screen?  The most beautiful (or desirable, depending on how you see it) woman in history was brown, the shade variant is debatable but brown nonetheless.  Can we finally claim her as our own and see an image closer to a “true historical representation”?  Catherine Zeta-Jones with a spray tan and liquid eyeliner is not enough in 2008!  If that’s the case, let’s do a bio-pic on Jackie O. starring Halle Berry!

Annoyed,

Jo’van

(Note: I said that Cleopatra is the most beautiful woman in history, because being the Latin geek that I am, I consider Helen of Troy the most beautiful woman in mythology.  And don’t get me started on the horrible casting for her role in Troy.  Brad Pitt or not, there was absolutely no reason for Achilles to be prettier than her.)

October 29, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Shades of Understanding (Race Relations), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

No Patience For You: Creeper Quote “I Bathe My Wife Everyday”

Recently, I went to coffee with two young ladies I’ll be working with for at least the next year.  The important thing to note is that I’d never met these ladies before.  While we were politely chatting amongst ourselves, this average looking man approaches our table and proceeds to tell me that I was beautiful and looked exactly like his wife.  I responded with a polite smile and an awkward “thanks.” Big mistake.  For some reason, I didn’t get the “creeper” vibe immediately.  For the next several minutes, he proceeded to creep us out by telling me:

1.) How much he loves his wife who looks exactly like me

2.) The reason my hair is not longer is because I don’t take care of it

3.) After flexing and asking each of us to touch his bicep, his entire body is as hard as a rock because of the navy; arms, abs, thighs

4.) How much he loves his wife who is my twin

5.) He could come to my house if I ever had car problems (Need a business card for a creepy local mechanic?  I have his.)

6.) How he bathes, massages from head-to-toe and brushes the ultra-long hair of his Spanish/African-American wife daily (But it’s okay because she does the same for him)

7.) If he weren’t married, he’d ask me to call him for drinks

And then walked away….

While my new associates were (understandably) asking me if/how/why, I simply sat there completely speechless.  Where the hell did this guy come from?  And why me?  If he’s married, his poor wife.  If not, that has to be the worst pick-up line ever “You look exactly like my wife.”  And why would he flex for three perfect strangers to show what 12 years in the navy can do for you?  How do your thighs enter ANY conversation?  Did I look inviting to this kind of ridiculousness?  And why in the world would you ever tell someone you bathe your wife everyday?

I seem to have a knack for attracting the crazies, the true creepers.  They must recognize my unrelenting curiosity.  Don’t approach me with ridiculousness.  As much as I’ll want to tell you off (and my actions and words will echo that sentiment), I find myself almost equally intrigued.  Just how crazy are you?  Can you top the last guy?  And what do you think will work on/for/with me?

That is until you cross the line and truly prove how creepy you can be.  Often, however, reaching that point (as immediate as it may be) means it’s too late to get out of a situation gracefully.  Overt rudeness or a friend’s rescue are your only hopes.  Just hope you have friends who want to spare you the pain rather than sit in a corner and laugh at it.

Confused (and still slightly uncomfortable),

Jo’van

October 26, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

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