Should you ever date in the group? This question has come up for a couple of friends of mine lately. When and how should this happen? Is it selfish to not want to risk the group dynamic for a more personal relationship? Does it have to be a choice? These are all good questions and since I don’t have the answer I’ll just give you a few more to consider…
1.) Would this type of group accept and/or condone your “special” relationship? I agree that no one can make decisions of the heart for you but they can make a particular option less comfortable than another.
2.) Has this person had other “special” relationships in the group? An ex can give you a good idea of what to expect OR jealously/bitterly make things much more difficult for you within the group.
3.) Who’s group is it really? Should this not work out would you be facing a joint-custody situation? Or would one of you essentially have to leave the group as a whole?
4.) Are you ready to mix your worlds? How do you operate? Do you keep your relationships separate from your friendships? Are you ready for the group to know ALL of your business?
5.) Is the group or an individual in the group pushing you two together? Who’s idea was this “special” relationship in the first place? Although they may mean well, matchmakers aren’t always realistic, just hopeful.
6.) On the flip-side, is there someone in the group not as enthusiastic about this possible “special” relationship as you’d expect them to be? If so, it might be worth it to pick their brain. Often our friends see things we chose to ignore when they might affect the decision we want to make.
7.) Most importantly, are you genuinely interested in this person and willing to “see whatever happens”? If so, none of these other questions matter.
You can be respectful of the group AND go for broke all at the same time IF it’s worth it to you at that moment. Sometimes things in a group happen naturally. If so, go for it. The easy transition from group friend to “special” friend probably means something. However, if any part of it seems forced, it might be time to reconsider. Anything remotely romantic or sexual can do a lot more damage than a platonic argument within a group.
We form and join groups for various reasons; protection, inclusion, distraction, encouragement, whatever. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with valuing those reasons above any other. We may not be able (or want) to risk our current place and role in the group.
Just thinking,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 