I keep daydreaming.  But not the kind of fanciful, wistful dreaming.  It’s the potential conversation kind.  You know preparing the answers for the questions you’ll never be asked.  How would I respond to statement 1 vs 2?  Does that warrant regal and stoic or just straightforward and unedited?  Shit. Not again.

I recently reconnected with an “ex” via Facebook.  (The term “ex” is relative to someone who does her best to avoid relationships but I feel it’s the best fit right now so I’m sticking with it.  Plus, “a little more than a friend” is just too long.)  The wonders of social media bring people you forgot, tried to forget, never really knew or have never met into clear view and easy access.  It’d been almost 3 years since we’d seen each other, 4 since we’d really talked.  So seeing his name in my inbox was a bit surprising, unnerving, intriguing.  He’d recently moved to the city my father lives in and wanted to connect the next time I go out to visit.  Unbeknownst to him, I had a trip planned out there the following month.  We didn’t exactly end on bad terms so I said “what the hell?”  Let’s find out what he’s been up to.

Of course at this point, you start to reevaluate your current situation.  What if he looks amazing, is married to a former supermodel-turned-broker, has a child destined for Mensa,  and an unbelievable job?  What am I going to be able to say/show for myself?  Sure, I am gainfully employed and enjoy my job but for how long? The economy’s still really shaky.  I think I look pretty good right now but I only had so much to work with in the beginning.  I’ve done pretty much all I can for myself for free.  I’m in debt up to my eyeballs but have still managed to maintain a healthy shopping problem.  My “music” is not moving in any direction.  I can’t really speak to any amazing relationships I have/had.  In fact, I haven’t really done anything that interesting since he knew me, just followed my short term plan and ended up in Austin, TX with a platonic wife (he knows), our dog children and two jobs.

I must say that I know that my life does not suck.  I am blessed to have the people and things I do around me.  It’s just that people from the past really make me question my current.  What have I done since they knew me?  Have I grown up? Regressed? Sold out? Bought in? Conformed? Reformed? Calmed down? Gotten feistier? Completely done a 180?  Depending on who you talk to and how long ago they knew me, it could be any of these things.  Of course at this time, I was only concerned with the different person I might have been with/to him.

Anyway, I kind of stressed about it but gave up on that after a while.  I didn’t have it in me to buy into my own questions.  If I’ve changed, I’ve changed.  I can only hope it’s for the better.  I could, on the other hand, now concern myself with how he might’ve changed.  So what if he’s not the successful, beautiful husband and father?  What if he’s just normal?  Then what?  If he’s changed for the better or worse, I can pretty much handle that.  It’s a new person, a new situation.  But what if nothing much has changed?  What if I look at him and still see the person who caught my attention at a conference in Miami in 2004?   Then I could be in trouble.  I don’t know if/how I can prepare for that.

There are few people I loathe.  (I’d say hate but loathe seems more refined…) Those people have done something to hurt me.  Everyone else, exes, old friends, etc, has pretty much just faded into the past.  You miss the memories of being with them but don’t regret any of it or make any real efforts to recreate them.  But what about when they come back into your life?  How do you handle introducing the new you to someone who knew the old one?  I don’t have any answers or resolutions for this.  I’m just wondering.

Now, this “ex”, I don’t know what that was/is.  We saw each other and it was good, completely comfortable, almost too comfortable.  We’re talking again but I’m not looking for this to move beyond talking.   I’ve learned expectations are a waste of time.  Just to be talking again is odd.  I never thought I’d see him again so this is just an interesting situation as it stands.  We’ve both changed but not so extremely that we didn’t recognize each other or our connection.  It was more of a revelation that I hadn’t changed as much as I like to think I had.  He still knew me.  I wonder how many other people still know me despite the growing pains I’ve experienced and possibly blown out of proportion?

Reminiscing,

Jo’van

June 12, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags:changing, ex, growing up, reconnect, reminisce, self-image . Author: tjovand

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