So it looks like yesterday’s post  “Strong Personality in a Weak Economy” was a bit premature or entirely too late.  Either way, I no longer have to worry about whether my strong personality will be a benefit or a liability in the office.  I no longer have an office to worry about at all.  Today, I was officially laid off.  Nice. 🙂

I signed yesterday’s post “Fingers crossed she’ll be able to make it another day/week/month/year without a meeting with HR”.  Well, that didn’t exactly work all that well in my favor this morning.  Sparing the non-entertaining details, I was laid off due to “the numbers.”  Being analytical and structural, I can’t argue with the numbers. There might be a particular interpretation of those numbers that I take issue with….but whatever.  I was given the requisite speeches and released to figure out this new chapter of my work life: packing up my office.

Why do/did I have so much stuff?  If I’d thought about it, I would’ve taken a picture to share.  I understand that I’ve been there for just over three years and that I’m a pack rat but really?  Packing up took entirely too long, especially considering the people coming in an out to cry and say goodbye.  I was given the option to pack up that day or later in the week if I didn’t want to “be around everyone.”  Being the difficult, strong person I like to (pretend to) be, I decided against the “punk” route and packed up in plain view of everyone, well with my door closed…

The mixture of stifled, indignant tears, released, shameless tears, two margaritas at lunch and 104 degree weather has caused this obnoxious headache.  The crying headache is one of the worst feelings I can experience.  Aside from the pain itself, it reminds me of my weakness.  I personally HATE crying, especially in public.  No one needs to see that level of vulnerability.  I’d rather (and have) cry in the middle of a large airport terminal surrounded by hundreds of strangers than in front of a good friend.  Well, I had a little less control of my emotions today than I would’ve liked and I quickly bypassed my quota of zero people seeing my cry.  I’m not ashamed or anything, I’m just a little disappointed in that lose of control.  Oh well, what can I do about it now?

The outpouring of support from (most) people has been heartwarming and appreciated.  But being laid off just sucks and there’s nothing that I can say about it that hasn’t already been said or anything that they can tell me that’s going to make me feel better about losing my job, my position, my source of income, my stability, my career.  Plus, I’m still dealing with this.  It’s less than 12 hours old.  I’m sure I’ll be elated, depressed, excited, scared, relieved, and anxious all at some point.  At this point, however, I’m just numb.  I’m going through the motions, or at least what I imagine the motions to be.  Who to tell, how to tell them, how to console them, how to be strong, how to be okay with being weak.  It’s all a process I wasn’t planning on but have to fully accept now.  And I have a pretty awe inspiring example to live up to.  I don’t know if I can do it as gracefully as Robertoe but I’ll do my best….next week. 🙂

Thankful for severance pay,

Jo’van

July 8, 2009
Categories: Office Appropriate (Work Life), Quarterlife Crisis, Whole Truth, The . Tags:coworkers, economy, friends, going through the motions, hr, job loss, laid off, next steps . Author: tjovand

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