Back in high school, my friends and I would create these obnoxious but innocent enough lists, Men-U’s if you will, of the qualities we were looking for in a boyfriend.  They would say things like “nice arms, over 6’1, gets along with my friends, smart enough to help me with Calculus homework, etc.”  Whatever the case might be, these lists made us feel we had the right to strive for something idealistic.  Obviously, none of us would fulfill the ideal lists, Fine Lists, any of our male classmates might come up with but oh well.  While the lists were very limiting, they were all in good fun and we knew no such “perfect” person existed but we could at least hope.  Maybe they just helped us prioritize.  I always said they weren’t in ranking order but maybe they should’ve been…

Anyway, it’s been years since I created one of these lists and hope that I’ve outgrown them but a comment a friend made recently made me think about these lists and what a revised 2009, 25-year-old version would look like.  While Chivis has known me for three years, she’s never seen me “with” someone.  The random “he’s cute” here and there was all she had to determine “my type”.  So after old and new “friends” started to emerge and she’d seen their pictures, I was told that I would need to lower my (physical) standards for Austin.  The personalities of these friends are all very different and there is something endearing (at least to me) about them but that particular conversation came down to the physical.

No offense to the men in Austin.  I’m sure there are plenty of handsome, single, straight (very important distinction for Austin I’ve learned) men here but I’m just not being as lucky at drawing their attention as I might have been other places.  There are plenty of reasons for this that we’ll not need to go into.  It’s just interesting to me that from seeing the photos of three male “friends”, Chivis decided my problem was not my personality, where I am or am not meeting people, the people I’m meeting, or anything else like that.  It was my standards and my physical standards at that.

Granted, I will have to admit that the three “friends” she did see were very attractive but at least for two of them, that’s not the first thing I noticed about them or what drew me in.  For (almost) every guy I’ve ever been interested in, their personality was much more important than their physical.  Yes, attraction must be there and I’ve learned the hard way that trying to “create” the physical attraction is just not a good idea. But I’ve also learned the hard way that just attraction equals near immediate boredom.  I can’t afford more boredom in my life.  I need excitement, challenge, intrigue.  If looking at a picture can give me just about everything being with you can, I’ve got to move on (as sad as it may be to watch you go).

I’m not sure if the items on my Men-U have grown or shrank but I am sure they’ve evolved at least a little.  Nice arms and over 6’1 would still be great but I’d be more than happy to give up a little firmness and a few inches for a similar sense of humor and the ability to just sit in silence together.  Little things, really.  In high school having  a boyfriend/girlfriend was almost a status symbol.  Now it seems like it means you’re lucky or skilled enough to draw someone else willingly into your craziness.

What’s on your Men-U/Fine List?  Are all of the things that were SO important to you when you were 16 still important?  If you’re in a relationship or just out of a (for the most part) really good one, what did you give up or settle on?  What things did you get that you never knew you wanted?  The perpetually single one would like to know.

Wishing she could find just one of those lists from junior year,

Jo’van

July 12, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags:dating, expectations, fine list, growing up, high school, lists, men-u, physical standards, qualities . Author: tjovand

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