Office Appropriate: Strong Personality in a Weak Economy

Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard for the Money” for a little inspiration. (Gotta love the ’80s lip-synching)

I have a relatively strong personality.  Shocking I’m sure to anyone who knows me or has read more than a few of these posts.  This strength of personality has always been a source of pride and heartache for me.  Some people just don’t understand how to handle a person, child, woman, employee, daughter, student, etc like me.  And I’m sure that I haven’t really made it all that easy for most people…

Regardless, my strong personality has never really been a problem, more of a mild annoyance to remain aware of.  That is until everyone began to fear for their jobs.  The economy, for lack of a better word, sucks right now.  Things are beginning to get better but nothing’s comfortable yet.  We all need to be very careful in and around the workplace.  To be gainfully employed is something to covet and be thankful for at this time.  So what does that mean for the office smart-ass, cynic and/or bitch?

I playfully termed myself the “office cynic” about a year ago.  Our president at that time (for some reason) trusted my opinion.  It’s not that I am/was of a high enough level to make a real difference.  It’s just that he seemed to appreciate my sarcasm and honesty.  Since that time, the office has changed quite a bit.  People have left and/or been laid off.  New people have joined. Clients have cut their budgets or contracts all together with us.  All and all, money is tight and we’re all really watching our jobs.  Is there room for sarcasm in this type of economy?

Of course everyone is trying to do their jobs to the best of their abilities.  And with shrinking staffs, most people are in fact doing multiple jobs for the same, if not less, pay.  It’s just that doing your job isn’t always enough.  How do you control the personal part of you?  My entire personality has never been “released” upon the office but I need to learn to control it even more now.  Not everyone finds my sarcasm endearing and I can no longer afford to ignore that fact.  My strong personality and low place on the totem pole are not a good mix when you’re relieved you haven’t been called into HR’s office each day.

What do you do when a defining trait becomes a potential liability?  It’s not that I believe my strong personality would ever be a reason to let me go.  BUT when the higher ups say cut someone and you’re comparing my resume with that of an equally qualified employee, does that prized personality help or hurt my chances?  I’d, unfortunately, venture to bet the latter.

I’m doing my best to remain positive and (more) quiet when necessary while in the office.  It’s a trial and error process but I think I’m slowly getting better at it.  One day I might be able to compartmentalize the way my mother does.  She just works.  While I hope my office life never requires that type of coldness, if it does, I at least know the ability runs in the family.

Fingers crossed she’ll be able to make it another day/week/month/year without a meeting with HR,

Jo’van

July 7, 2009
Categories: Office Appropriate (Work Life), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: Being Called Temptation

Although her sound is jazzier and more sultry than I could ever write to compliment, I’d suggest listening to Diana Krall’s live version of “Temptation” while reading this post. It gives you a grown up sound to go with my refreshingly juvenile thoughts.

In line with “Reconnecting”, I had dinner with another old friend this summer.  Now, this one was definitely closer to just being a friend than not.  Our thing was (mostly) mental.  We never were a “we”, just around each other.  Everything with him was like a game.  Incessant flirting, bordering inappropriate but never crossing the line because we refused to draw it.  We were in a fashion show together and by the end of it, all of the models had to change in one big room, male and female.  Depending on your outfit, you could be changing in front of essentially everyone, wearing nothing but a thong in between outfits.  Now, I know that I was one of probably 40 female models so I don’t expect that too many of the male models were concerned with looking at me but I know we’d both looked around….

Anyway, another Facebook connection led to dinner while he was randomly in town.  It was good.  Nice dinner, fun to catch up.  You know those people that are just entertaining?  The ones that make every single conversation intriguing, if not worthwhile.  That’s kind of how this friend is.  It’d been years but it was easy.  Not because we had a “connection” but because our personalities just click, in a way with no expectations.  As soon as I picked him up, we were off.  Along with the clicking came the flirting.  Flirting’s innocent enough…unless of course one of you isn’t exactly single.  So that may have just been the case with us but what’s a girl to do?  I really miss flirting for the sake of flirting, thought provoking, fun flirting.  We don’t live in the same state so it’s not like actions could really be an issue. Just innocent words at dinner….and maybe a few more after dinner but whatever.

As a part of our later conversations, one thing in particular stuck out to me, probably because I was flattered although I don’t know if I should have been.  He told me it’s a good thing that we wouldn’t get another chance to see each other because I would be temptation.  Temptation, really?  Me?  That just sounded so odd.  Flattering but odd?  I could come up with an endless number of descriptions for myself but I can guarantee you “temptation” wouldn’t make the list.  Not wanting to make matters any worse than they already seemed to be, I didn’t press the issue. Why discuss that which can’t really be dealt with or acted on?  But I still wonder what, if anything, about me says “temptation”?  Would it just be the fact that we were comfortable together thus making me a seemingly easy mark? Or did it have something to do with something physical about me like maybe he just has a thing for tall, smart ass, black women?  Then again maybe it was just because it couldn’t, therefore it sounded perfect.  Whatever the case, I was temptation.  And I’m not gonna lie, I kinda liked it.

Since temptation is usually a bad thing, something you fight, I’m knew I shouldn’t have been excited about wanting to claim the description.  And I doubt there’s another person that would say the same thing about me but I’m going to hold onto it, just for a little while longer.  Growing up, I looked and felt like Steve Urkel from the show Family Matters; skinny, awkward and nerdy.  I’ve since outgrown that look but the insecurities associated with it linger in the back of my mind.  If a really attractive person even hints that they’re thinking the same thing about me, I immediately assume they’re full of shit and remove myself from the situation.  I don’t need the embarrassment.  That tactic has worked pretty well for me so far.  But what do you do when you’re caught off guard and actually want to believe what they’re saying?  An attractive person that you enjoy talking to, have a good time with tells you you’re gorgeous, hell yeah, you’re going to want to believe it.  But that belief means a little less when the timing’s all wrong.  That was my dilemma.  And of course, this was presented in such a way that I couldn’t even enjoy it.

I have no resolution for this “issue”.  I just think it’s interesting that anyone could consider me temptation.  Also, I feel it’s important to say that regardless of my “tempting powers” or his, the fact that he was in a relationship was all I needed to know.  Sure, I could’ve played ignorant or worse, just not cared.  I mean I didn’t know her.  I would probably never have to meet her or feel all that guilty.  But who in the world needs that karma?  I’m being kicked around enough for other things.  Why embrace that level of bad shit with open arms?  Just flirting probably crossed a line I’ll recognize and pay for later.  I don’t have to know her to respect them.  But if I didn’t feel that way…..

Diana’s singing my sentiments exactly,

Jo’van

July 5, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Quarterlife Crisis: Quarterlife Crisis or Just Boredom?

I’m going to try to add songs to the next few posts.  Please enjoy Mariah Carey’s “Honey” for this post.  This video and sound marked the beginning of her “Quarterlife Crisis/Transition/Freedom”.  We’re still just waiting for her to recover…

I’ve officially been a 25 year old for a week now.  25 – It just sounds so grown up.  Not old.  I hope to have many, many decades to go but something about 25 just sounds like I should have my shit together by now.  I’ve been asked how I feel about being 25.  As with most birthdays, the hardest part that I can imagine will be remembering the new number when asked how old I am.  All I can say is that I feel just about the same.  Let me clarify: the actual birthday meant little.  I will have to admit though that this “time in my life” has had its impact.

Some would call what I’m experiencing a “quarterlife crisis”.  Considering the term is so new and popular right now, I won’t argue the point.  (I am, however, reading the original book published on the term in 2001.  I may change my opinion upon completion.)  Either way, instead of a crisis, I’d like to think I’m going through a “transition period”.  I’m transitioning from the 42 year old in a 24 year old’s body to a probably around 35 year old in a 25 year old’s body.  (I hope to break even around 27.)  I love my life but am bored by most of it at the same time.  It’s safe and comfortable but often uninspired and generally blase.  I’m the faithful employee, loyal friend and independent daughter.  But where’s the fun in that?  I need a little drama (preferably not self-created), some excitement, positive stress, butterflies.

My mother and grandmother came into town for my birthday last week.  It was wonderful.  My mother joked about me never really being a “child”.  Even at 8, I was a tiny adult, equip with strong opinions and the ability to intelligibly argue.  It’s funny to think about that until you realize it’s probably true.  Now, of course, I was a child and did childish things.  But I’ve always acted as if I “knew better”.  My mother even said that I wasn’t going through a quarterlife crisis.  We were both just going through our midlife crises at the same time.  (That math could make things very confusing.)  I’ve always been called an “old soul”.  I didn’t really do most of the dumb, excusable teenage/early twenties things.  There was always a plan, a goal and an ability to see past the temporary intrigue.  And while there’s nothing overly wrong with that, there is something  a little sad about it.  If I’m living like I’m 40 now, what’ll be interesting about actually being 40?  I’ve joked (but was secretly terrified) that I’d regress about that time and look and/or act like a Ricki Lake guest.  I need to act like I’m in my twenties while I’m still technically in my twenties.  And I’m already half way done with that.

I’m not quite sure what “acting my age” looks like but I’m taking baby steps.  Things like going out more than once  a month (I don’t have anyone waiting on me and as long as I can make it to work the next day, what’s the harm?), embracing shorts again (I’ve been avoiding them for years but my thighs are only going to grow exponentially from this point), giving into impulses (probably a full post on that later), taking care of my body (I’m still not excited about organic foods but there’s nothing wrong with paying a little more attention to what I’m putting into my body or working out consistently enough to actually see a difference), or being social simply for the sake of being social (fighting looks of boredom or indifference in public settings).

Maybe all of this is just a phase and I’ll revert to being 40 again soon.  If so, I hope I can cram 15 years worth of “being young” into whatever time I have left to enjoy this phase.

Consider this part one of my quarterlife crisis series.

Jo’van

July 1, 2009
Categories: Quarterlife Crisis, The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

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