Quarterlife Crisis: Reminiscing: A Double-Edged Sword

Oh, golden Michael.  This is probably my favorite music video of all time.  Michael Jackson’s “Remember the Time”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I wasn’t exactly sure how to classify this post.  Should it go under Romantic Cynic, Friendly Drama, Family Values, or something entirely different?  We can reminisce about just about anything, any type of circumstance or relationship.  Sure, romantic may have a physical aspect to remember but friendly could have equally strong inside jokes and family dominating scents or visuals.  All in all, I couldn’t decide and decided it’s actually a catchall issue, a part of my current quarterlife crisis.

The last few months have been eventful.  Good, bad and ugly.  There are parts about the summer to 2009 that I’d care to forget and others I hope I never do.  So much of this summer centered around the past; people I knew, places I’d gone, decisions I’d made (or avoided), things I’d said and done.  It’s always nice when karma comes back to visit.  I’ve done so many good and bad things in my life that I’m never quite sure if I care for the visits.  “Oh Jo’van, I’m back.  Because you [fill in the blank] three years ago, [fill in the blank] is going to happen to you now.”  Thanks, karma.  Thanks a lot.

Anyway, with karma making itself entirely too comfortable on my couch, I’ve spent unnecessary hours reminiscing; when things were good, when my life sucked more than it does now (or at least it felt that way at the time), when someone made me feel loved, when someone (or the same person) made me feel pathetic, when I had friends forever and new enemies everyday, when I liked the way I looked, when I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror, when I was smart, when I felt stupid.  It always amazes me how much I remember and how much of it I wish I didn’t.

There is nothing wrong with reminiscing.  It’s always good to remember where the person that you are today came from.  Who made you think that would be okay, or this was wrong?  When did you decide to do this and swore to never do that again?  Who made you feel happiest and who made you feel less than?  When did you first taste this or last like to do that?  However, the issue I’ve begun to raise with reminiscing is how much is stings regardless.

Instead of finding lasting joy in remembering the “good” things/times, I find myself almost bitter I’m not experiencing them now.  And instead of being happy I’m not in the midst of the “bad” things/time now, I just find myself reliving the pain of those times again.  Things have a wonderful opportunity to continue to get worse from here.  Inviting those memories into a already [fill in the blank] mind can actually not be healing.  For right now, it’s just further frustrating.

This is not to say that I find no joy in my memories.  I have so many wonderful things to be happy about, proud of, etc,  I just think that for the time being I need to focus on my uncertain, shaky future rather than my defined, unchanging past.  I can only imagine what I’ll feel about this time in my life 3, 6, 14 years from now.  Everyone is of course defined by their past but who’s to say you can’t custom-design the next revised definition?  I can only spend so much time remembering who I was.  I need to know who I am right now, the good, the bad and the ugly.  Everything else is just a good story to tell, if and when you’re up to it.

Reminiscing can be a double-edged sword and I’m not the biggest fan of bleeding,

Jo’van

August 12, 2009
Categories: Quarterlife Crisis, Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Friendly Drama: In Search of Platonic Male Friends

I couldn’t find a song to address the topic of my post so I settled on some high-energy, neon-colored, baggy, condom-as-accessories wearing TLC circa 1993. “What About Your Friends”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I’ve spent the past few days with my family in Phoenix.  My younger sisters are still technically teenagers and have high school friends in and out of the house all the time.  While school shopping, my youngest sister continued to run into friends.  Oh, youth.  I was told that at 25 I’m old by a 17-year-old.  While I personally disagree, I wanted to quickly leave the situation.  I have no desire to go back to high school but still… Aside from feeling a little old and nostalgic as one sister starts her senior year of high school and the other gears up to move to California for college, I miss having friends that you were tied to by nothing more than sharing a class.

Junior high, high school, even college, aside from flirting and fighting, you were surrounded by people your own age with nothing else to do but figure out something together.  A friend recently made the point that that’s why so many people find their mates in college.  Four years in a small area with thousands of people within three years of your age.  The odds have to be in your favor.  Graduating and entering the real world, you lose that easy access to potential friends with more things in common than working in the same office, living in the same apartment complex or going to the same gym.  Sure, a campus atmosphere may help to foster romantic relationships but it also allows for easy access to platonic relationships.

As an adult in the real world (granted my real world is limited), I find it much more difficult to foster relationships that are genuine.  I’ve been lucky to make friends with the people I’ve worked with.  However, as I move onto the next professional endeavour (whatever it is), I wonder if my next office/store will have people of similar age, interest and personality.  Will I become the “young, unmarried” one in the office?  What then?

Another thing I’ve realized about being an “adult” is the minimal purely platonic interaction with the opposite sex.  Any single, straight man that I am cordial with now is tied to some aspect of work or is someone else’s friend (usually from high school or college).  Gone seem to be the days of just hanging out with friends who happen to be male.  Without the platonic common ground to start the conversation, most of my interactions with the opposite sex are under the guise of flirting.  Sure, that can be fun but once one of you realizes there’s no spark, it’s often difficult to establish a friendship when there hadn’t been one to begin with.

I miss guy friends, the male perspectives, the big brothers, the ridiculous little brothers.  I miss laughing at the stupid comments, complete inability to dress, or snap judgements of the opposite sex.  I miss watching football, or grilling, or sitting around in whatever was the closest and cleanest.  I like men.  I mean I love them and are attracted to them and all.  But I also just really love being around men.  Because I’m pretty high-maintenance and catty, I don’t particularly care to be around women all of the time.  Sometimes I need a break from talking about weight, hair, relationships (real and completely in our heads), clothes, shoes.  I’m not saying that women as a whole or my friends are shallow (or my male friends for that matter are all that deep).  We discuss whatever comes to mind with few filters.  It’s just that what comes to my mind around women and men is usually different.  I miss being able to explore that other side every now and again.  Sometimes I’d just rather be in the company of people who are not going to over-analyze more than I have.  Rather than offer alternative suggestions, I get straight answers.

At my age, it seems I should be (and am) concerned with finding my next romantic relationship.  However, sometimes/most times I wouldn’t mind just hanging out with a male friend without the quotation marks or hope of something different.

In search of her new platonic beau,

Jo’van

August 10, 2009
Categories: Friendly Drama (The Ones You Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

Romantic Cynic: My Ideal Woman

Now, picking a song about this topic could’ve been easy and relatively current but I just didn’t have the stomach for Kate Perry.  So instead, I’ve included a really good song by an artist who just so happens to prefer women.  Melissa Etheridge “I Want to Come Over”

My Female Type?  Hmmm, that’s an interesting question.  And as with most things that interest me, I had to spend way too much time exploring it.  I apologize if I offend anyone with my questions or scenarios but just as I make broad assumptions about straight guys, I make generalizations of women, straight and otherwise.

Let me first say that I am a heterosexual.  Not a proud one or an apologetic one, just born that way.  🙂  My physical type of man varies but would probably be tall(er than me), slender to athletic w/ dark features.  I’d like to feel he’d be able to physically “protect” me from whatever.  (Although, I imagine it would be difficult for me to let anyone take care of me.)  Personalities aside, there’s something about attraction of security.

With these attributes in mind, I wonder if I’d uphold the same standards for a woman.  Would I be interested in someone who was essentially “a big, strong man” with different parts?  Would I want to assume the typical “male/dominant” role in the relationship?  Yes, I know these “roles” are strongly based on some archaic heterosexual culture constructions and may not always apply in same-gender relationships.  But there still seems to be a dominant personality in any relationships, regardless of the gender, size, occupation, or the like.

Moving on the the physical, I have enough insecurities and issues related to comparing my body to other women.  Would it be better or worse with a girlfriend?  Would I want to be with someone traditionally prettier than me with bigger breasts and smaller thighs?  Or would a less feminine woman catch my attention? Could I be jealous of the way my girlfriend looks?  Sure, I could feel self-conscious around a really physical fit or Adonis-like man but I couldn’t exactly strive to look like him so it wouldn’t be as bad, I imagine.  I know, as with straight couples, the initial attraction is fleeting because it’s all about the chemistry. Blah, blah, blah.  But I’m more intrigued by what would attract me in the first place.

I have no answers for these questions.  I was just asked and thought I’d explore here.  I think the fact that I’m not in the least bit attracted to women and so easily distracted by fine male specimens makes it difficult to dive any deeper.  Women are beautiful and deserve to be cherished.  I’m just not the one to do it.

Angelina or Brad? Angelina’s gorgeous but it’ll have to be Brad all the way….

Jo’van

August 7, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

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