Oh, golden Michael. This is probably my favorite music video of all time. Michael Jackson’s “Remember the Time”
Vodpod videos no longer available.
I wasn’t exactly sure how to classify this post. Should it go under Romantic Cynic, Friendly Drama, Family Values, or something entirely different? We can reminisce about just about anything, any type of circumstance or relationship. Sure, romantic may have a physical aspect to remember but friendly could have equally strong inside jokes and family dominating scents or visuals. All in all, I couldn’t decide and decided it’s actually a catchall issue, a part of my current quarterlife crisis.
The last few months have been eventful. Good, bad and ugly. There are parts about the summer to 2009 that I’d care to forget and others I hope I never do. So much of this summer centered around the past; people I knew, places I’d gone, decisions I’d made (or avoided), things I’d said and done. It’s always nice when karma comes back to visit. I’ve done so many good and bad things in my life that I’m never quite sure if I care for the visits. “Oh Jo’van, I’m back. Because you [fill in the blank] three years ago, [fill in the blank] is going to happen to you now.” Thanks, karma. Thanks a lot.
Anyway, with karma making itself entirely too comfortable on my couch, I’ve spent unnecessary hours reminiscing; when things were good, when my life sucked more than it does now (or at least it felt that way at the time), when someone made me feel loved, when someone (or the same person) made me feel pathetic, when I had friends forever and new enemies everyday, when I liked the way I looked, when I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror, when I was smart, when I felt stupid. It always amazes me how much I remember and how much of it I wish I didn’t.
There is nothing wrong with reminiscing. It’s always good to remember where the person that you are today came from. Who made you think that would be okay, or this was wrong? When did you decide to do this and swore to never do that again? Who made you feel happiest and who made you feel less than? When did you first taste this or last like to do that? However, the issue I’ve begun to raise with reminiscing is how much is stings regardless.
Instead of finding lasting joy in remembering the “good” things/times, I find myself almost bitter I’m not experiencing them now. And instead of being happy I’m not in the midst of the “bad” things/time now, I just find myself reliving the pain of those times again. Things have a wonderful opportunity to continue to get worse from here. Inviting those memories into a already [fill in the blank] mind can actually not be healing. For right now, it’s just further frustrating.
This is not to say that I find no joy in my memories. I have so many wonderful things to be happy about, proud of, etc, I just think that for the time being I need to focus on my uncertain, shaky future rather than my defined, unchanging past. I can only imagine what I’ll feel about this time in my life 3, 6, 14 years from now. Everyone is of course defined by their past but who’s to say you can’t custom-design the next revised definition? I can only spend so much time remembering who I was. I need to know who I am right now, the good, the bad and the ugly. Everything else is just a good story to tell, if and when you’re up to it.
Reminiscing can be a double-edged sword and I’m not the biggest fan of bleeding,
Jo’van
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The Truth: According to Jo'van 
Hmmm. I’ll have more to say later. But for now…
Stop feeling bad for yourself, stop punishing yourself, and forgive yourself. Not in the sense that you’ve done anything wrong but consider forgive more in the terms of thanking your past “mistakes”. Im not spittin’ religion just little life wisdoms. So do it. And start carving your next step in the path for what I know is a very bright future. I have faith in you. Now it’s your turn to drink the same kool-aid.
-ST
P.S. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard this song. I was in my uncles dining room in the UK. My cousin had just bought the CD and was blastin it on the boom box. Big fan of the video and song myself. I remembered this too when I was in London 2 months ago when sitting in that very same dining room. Made me smile.