I don’t really care for Keyshia Cole or Lil Kim but for whatever reason whenever I stress about my roommate I have to remind myself sometimes I just have to “Let It Go”
Over the last 10 months or so, my roommate and I have been having “issues” to say the least. While her change in relationship status (and seemingly ever-present boyfriend) played a big part in those changes, the greater issues lie in our inability to communicate and respect each other’s feelings. Bills are paid on time. The common space is kept clean. The dogs are loved and cared for. Music/TV are kept at reasonable volume levels. For all of the points on paper, the things I would’ve told my residents in college to consider, we are good roommates. However, on the irrational/emotional level, not so much.
On a purely selfish level, I wish her boyfriend would vacate the picture. He drives me crazy in an extremely passive way. But he’s a nice guy who seems to have his shit together and she seems happy with him. So I wouldn’t really wish that. Instead for months, I told myself I needed either less of him around or more reasons to not be around myself. I simply feel uncomfortable with him/them. But that passive aggressive reaction has only caused what feels like an ulcer and hours of complaining to those around me. So rather than carry this feeling of discomfort in my own home into our new place (lease to be signed tomorrow), I’ve decided to accept I’ve lost my wife and gained just a roommate.
Our current apartment has a nice set-up for roommates. The bedrooms are large with massive closets and our own bathrooms. We only share the living space. Unfortunately, the common space is very small. Whenever I come home and they’re on the couch, I feel like I’m nearly in their lap. (I’d say laps but it really seems like a single unit most of the time…) Because I feel so uncomfortable, I rarely spend any time with them. In fact, unless we’re sitting at the dining room table, I’m never around them. It just feels awkward and not important to anyone but me. He spends more time on the couches I haven’t paid off yet than I do. For some reason, I see that as a problem.
When she became serious about this guy, I wanted to like him. I love my roommate. If someone is important to her, I hope I can like them and at least be happy around them. It’s rare that I haven’t liked a close friend’s significant other. There have been some I wouldn’t necessarily care to be around alone. But generally, I’ve liked them, been able to laugh with them and carry on small talk. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that way about my roommate/ex-wife’s boyfriend. Our conversations are strained, our personalities clash and he’s in our apartment a lot. But as she so eloquently put it after a big argument, she knew we wouldn’t be friends so she saw no need in even trying to facilitate that. So I’ve been given the out. I don’t have to like him. But he is here quite often. How do I at least deal with him/them?
First, I had to figure out/decide what my major issue was. Was he the root of our problems or was it us? As much as he may annoy me :-), he’s not our issue. She seemingly turned into a different person upon entering this relationship and I didn’t/haven’t adjusted as quickly. While there are things she’s done that I feel are just plain wrong (and I recognize that I’ve done such things as well), she’s still a good roommate. She’s just a shitty wife…to me. (She seems great with him now.) When we used to talk to each other about our days, she only talks to him. When we used to go grocery shopping together and fix meals for both of us, she now cooks with her man every evening for the two of them. When she would go out with me and our friends, she now spends 99% of her time with him alone. (I have to give her the 1% when she shocks everyone and actually comes out.) When I’m really annoyed, I feel she’s turned into the type of woman who lives to work and be with her man but I understand that’s not really the case. She’s just busy and this new relationship is a priority and an escape. Either way, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it and more importantly, it’s really none of my business. If she’s happy, she should do whatever she wants. She’s apparently happy in this relationship. I just don’t think I was ready for the swift change in our relationship because of it. (I might, in fact, be a little jealous.) I just need to focus on the parts that are my business. Only my life, my comfort and my relationship with her should be my concerns.
Anyway, most people seem to ignore the rest of the world when they’ve entered the honeymoon stage of a relationship. When you do it, you’re simply “getting to know this new person, fostering the relationship”. When you’re single (or co-dependent) and one of your friends does it, they’re “ignoring the people who’ve always been there for them.” Either way, you emerge and after a few snide remarks, your relationships are intact or they’re gone and weren’t all that strong to begin with.)
So with all of this drama and discomfort, why would I sign another 12 month lease with her (and her boyfriend)? That’s a very good question. And the answer could simply be money. Having quit my 2nd job, my finances wouldn’t allow me to live by myself right now. My car note will be paid off in a year and even if I don’t get a raise (since the economy still sucks), I will be able to afford to live (comfortably) on my own next year. Until then, having a roommate is the smartest move I could make. That’s not to say we won’t want to live together in a year (but it’s a distinct possibility…). And you know what? I already have a great roommate. And a great friend. I’m just struggling with signing the divorce papers.
There WILL be more issues this year. I am not naive enough to believe there won’t be. What I’ve had to do is simply realize we don’t think alike. There are things I consider to be courtesy that she considers a given. And there are things she considers normal that would never cross my mind. If it were me and my mother and/or friend were planning to stay in our small apartment for nearly two weeks, I’d want to ask her rather than inform her (although fully expecting an “of course, no problem”). And if it were her and I had someone over all of the time, she’d probably never say anything about it as long as that person were respectful of her space. After knowing each other for 8 years, we both should know better but obviously we don’t always. There’s always room for growth.
We met in the fall of 2002, randomly selected roommates at Iowa State. Terrified my first roommate would be a whore, a freak, really annoying or disgusting, I was very pleased to have her. She was smart, sweet, compassionate and easy to live with. Sharing one room can be very difficult. To survive with your sanity, you have no choice but to be very cognizant of your roommate and their mannerisms. What about you and the world makes them tick? What habits can and should you avoid to maintain balance? What can’t you stand? And how do you communicate that respectfully? These are the types of things I worked with my residents to figure out as an RA. It’s time (in fact months past time) that we went back to being first roommates and second friends if it happens to work out that way. I wouldn’t go as far as a contract but we might just need to talk it all out, as opposed to just parts when we’re angry.
*Plus, the last two months have been really stressful for her. As a good friend and a decent roommate, I owe her some allowances. She did afterall deal with my depressed/angry/hurt phase this summer after being rejected and laid off. When she recovers from this, though, we’re officially starting over. I value our relationship and really hope another 12 months will not be the death of it. I’ll do my part to prevent that from happening but also realize I can’t/shouldn’t be the only one feeling this pressure. I guess we have 12 months to decide if this is such a good idea…
Excited to move out of an apartment and into a great house,
Jo’van
…Although I will say it would be WONDERFUL if they spent more time at his place. Sometimes it’s nice to pretend/feel like you live alone…
2 Comments
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
The Truth: According to Jo'van 
Hmmm. I read this one twice. I enjoy reading everything (well sad stuff is sad but you know what I mean) but this one is a little bit of a heavy hitter.
Coming from a guy who has had to deal with a not so pleasant roommate situation senior yr at isu (fredricksen court, 4 of us, me, vo, and 2 guys we didn’t know) where I think all of us just didn’t do a good job to communicating, make sure you talk. In hindsight, they had good pts about my not cleaning enough for example but they also took over the whole common space, the gf of the roommate (not the roommate) left me a note saying that when she uses the kitchen, she cleans up after herself. so I should too. (she lived 2 doors down, had her own place, and spent more time in my apt than I did). she left this note on the fridge. I let mr. nice guy take a momentary hiatus and wrote her a one liner back: “Who asked you to”. roommate didn’t care for that. (I woke up the next morning to him yelling, “who the fuck wrote this”). I should have cleaned more but I suppose academia or more like not failing engineering was my focus. I got to a pt where I was so uncomfortable at home, i just spent more time on campus. not a good feeling. don’t let that happen. A year is a long fuckin time when you’re uncomfortable and feeling that way at home => trouble.
If I was in your shoes:
1) Break bread
let her know you miss her friendship. too many people suddenly go poof with a new significant someone and in the end, I’m sure we all do if/when we get married but for the time being, remind her you still care about the friendship and will do your part to make it still work. I get the feeling you’re giving up to easy (see : I’ve decided to accept I’ve lost my wife and gained just a roommate.), considering you’ve known her 8 years, roomed together, and traveled thru countries together, that says something. You may not continue to have the same heterosexual life partner status with each other but you do have a friendship that still deserves nurturing and she’s your roommate. I say propose to her that you two (only you two) make dinner together once a week. That removes the bf from the picture for a day (check) and gives you both time with just each other (check). Break bread. literally. It works wonders. Add wine or liquor as needed to your tastes.
2) There’s no sure fire way to say this but let her know that it would be great if they spent more time over at his place. find a way. it will aid your sanity and prevent “accidental” manslaughter. You know you don’t wanna get charged with something like that in texas.
3) the whole having someone over but not confirming it’s cool with you…that’s a toughy but i’d agree that she should give more notice. you are somewhat obligated to say “yeah it’s cool” in cases where it’s her mom obviously but let her know you would prefer more notice.
4) force more conversation with the boyfriend. do it til you’re blue in the face. i believe you’ll find something to talk about, it’ll show roomie you haven’t given up on being her friend and by proxy his, you’ll get even more comfortable with him being around cuz it will inevitably stay that way, and she may overhear you telling him about what’s new with you, what happened in your day, and realize she’s missing out and want to chime in. no promises but it worked on some sitcoms I used to watch. i suppose in person once or twice too.
5) be ready for her to ask things of you. two way street. you know how that is.
p.s. i have more strongly considered a weekend stalking of you in Austin so worse case, we’ll coordinate dates so that when you want your couch to yourself, I’ll call and say “so is there room on the couch for a visitor” and bam, you’re in bidniss.
Thanks, Suave. I appreciate the helpful suggestions. While a few of them can still be used, most have already been attempted. I haven’t reached the wife-to-roommate decision lightly. It’s been several months, several issues, several failed conversations in the making. Regardless, the most important point is that my roommate and I care for and respect each other. We just don’t think the same. If I’m upset she doesn’t seem to respect my feelings, all I can do is continue to express them. If the issue is simply she doesn’t understand I’m upset or why I might be, once I tell her, the responsibility is on her to decide if and how she’ll react and vice versa.