More melodramatic than my sentiment. But then again isn’t that a requirement for most songs?
Vintage Brandy “Almost Doesn’t Count [Live]”
I am always concerned about the way people perceive me. I know it’s cliché and I should have more confidence in myself, blah, blah, blah. But it’s true and I doubt it’s something that’s going to ever completely go away. Rather than feel foolish about it, I just have to accept and recognize when it’s creating a ridiculous reaction/response.
Amongst other things, I have a problem dealing with disappointment. If/when a friend, family member or significant other lets me down, I take it hard. My heart sinks, lungs get heavy and in extreme cases if I’ve had enough time to think about it and be offended, I get a not-so-slight burning sensation in my chest. (I’m expecting an ulcer by 28. It’s truly unfortunate…) However, the physical is nothing in comparison to the mental and emotional. I can really take it personally.
If the situation/result is out of their control, I realize I have to choke back whatever my initial response is and be a grown-up about it. Shit happens. There’s not a person (currently) in my life that has the power to really hurt my feelings that I believe would do it intentionally. Most people have nothing but the best of intentions for the people they care about. I have to find comfort in that (at least…).
However, if the situation/result is completely within their control and they just made a decision, that’s a whole different story. While in the end I still have to suck it up and move on, choosing to change plans or not follow through with something you’d said makes a big difference to me. Running the risk of abusing the cliché, I have little patience for flakes.
Flakes are everywhere, nearly impossible to avoid. I just rarely choose to intimately associate with them. Therefore, I’m rarely affected by the things they fail to do. However, when someone I care about and trust lets me down, it takes everything within me to….let them know.
Not the general response, I know. Despite the intense personal reaction, it’s very difficult for me to unhappily express myself to those I care about. I’m often afraid to react verbally because I don’t want my message or true feelings to be lost in the emotional display. So rather than be fair to the person I’m mounting a mental attack against (or to myself), I swallow it and try to minimize the situation. “Sure, no problem. Things happen. I’ll figure something else out. Have fun. I don’t mind. Etc.”
Now I’m not the big punk I’m making myself out to be. It’s not that I don’t want to express myself or feel that my feelings are in some way invalid. It’s just that I want to do it as calmly and honestly as possible. Finding that balance generally means I have to take a step back. Despite my typicaly composed, some would say even “professional”, nature, there is always something going on behind scenes. And I know that when I start it can be difficult to stop. I just want to make sure that what I say is what I really mean, what’s appropriate for that particular situation.
However that desire to take a step back can often hurt more than it helps. By the time I’ve thought things over and calmed down, it may seem as if the moment has passed. What’s worse: overreacting at the moment or bringing up old things the other person thought had been resolved (if they were even aware there was a problem in the first place)?
Not everything’s going to go my way. But when something happens that leaves me sad, hurt, disappointed or offended, it’s probably not best to cover it up with a half-hearted PR smile and polite responses that completely betray my true feelings. It’s not all that realistic to believe those feelings will just poof go away. I may be able to bury them and move forward but there’s only so much one person can bury. If you’re anything like me, you’ll reach a boiling point and erupt. The cause of that eventual eruption is usually minor, making me look even more the overreacting drama queen I’d worked so hard to avoid.
Before you go off the deep end, it’s probably best to really evaluate the situation. What are you upset about and how upset are you? Had you really been looking forward to something or made some plans that are now null and void because of something someone else did? Did that person understand what this meant to you? True surprises aside, it’s often easy for someone to dismiss something you didn’t seem to really care about. There can be a fine line between complaining and explaining. But if you’re genuinely upset, I think it’s okay to risk it. Avoiding the conversation doesn’t give you the power to avoid disappointment. If nothing else, it just forces you to avoid a resolution. Sometimes some things cannot be fixed. But a sincere “I’m sorry” can go a long way.
Regardless of the reason/cause, it’s best for the ones you love to know something they’ve done has hurt you. If nothing else it’s a reminder that even the perpetually calm have feelings. Perceived indifference and lack of emotion (good or bad) comes off cold. If you’re hurting, the last thing you want is someone thinking you don’t care (or, worse, you couldn’t…).
It’s not fair to anyone to feel the need to judge their own, honest feelings for or about the people they want in their lives. And it’s not fair to the people you supposedly care about and trust to hide your true feelings. Relationships need to be uncomfortable at times. If they’re not, someone’s not being honest. It’s impossible to avoid disappointment. The best we can all do is pick our battles and not punk out for the sake of perception.
Hoping to count to 3 and respond, rather than 3 million and blow up,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 