I don’t have any friends bold enough to flat-out ask the question, so we all beat around the bush. “Oh so, he’s a little chubby? That’s ok. He’ll keep you warmer in the winter. But do you think could you work out together?” “Kind of a slob? Bachelors’ apartments are always disgusting. Think you can help break that habit?” “Fart jokes and prized belches?… How old is he again? Is there hope beyond that?” We never ask the real questions. “Are you going to be able and happy to accept him for who/what he is right now? Or just what you hope you can turn him into?” In other words, “Is he a project or a prospect?”
Now the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. A project may warrant the effort because you’re hoping for an eventual prospect but “eventual” is the key word. Through movies, tv, books and magazines, women are taught we are responsible for “molding” our men. And not to sound sexist, but that is partially true. However, not for the reasons we’re taught to think it is.
No one is perfect (or perfect for you, if you prefer the distinction). In every relationship, friendship, work situation and prolonged interaction, we grow. I learn more about myself in my interactions with other people than I do in simple self-reflection. Thinking you’ll do (or not do) something is entirely different than being faced with the actual situation.
In some cases, you change or “adapt”just to survive. Hard ass boss – you learn not to wear your emotions on your sleeve at the office.Disrespectful roommate – That little extra rent may be worth it after all. Nosy church people – your relationship with God is exactly that – YOURS.
In other cases, your change is due to previously unconsidered considerations. (Yes, I know that’s wrong and I don’t care. 🙂 ) If a friend’s father has passed away, you reconsider the regular complaints you make about yours. If a boyfriend doesn’t curse or drink, you may reconsider your bad habits/indulgences. If you feel you’re being passed up for opportunities at work for people with more positive attitudes or better presentations of themselves, you may be honest enough with yourself to realize there’s more too it than just getting the job done.
Whatever the reason, we change to better suit our situations… Or we just change situations. The belief that women mold their boyfriends/husbands is true. But both parties are molded. The molding is not a skill one person possess but the willingness of one person to make the other person happy. Any relationship worth keeping requires give and take.
Women typically see themselves as being molded less than their male counterparts because for the most part we’ve been molded our entire lives. Yes, I know I may be exposing myself to a feminist firing squad but I’ll stand by my claim nonetheless. We women have been “encouraged” since birth to move toward the nurturer, mother, wife, peacekeeper. Of course those roles don’t work for everyone, but many men and women still believe women are/should be the calmer, organized, stable, considerate, “fairer” sex. Regardless if you agree or not, it’s a general assumption. Family is the ultimate goal, if not the defining factor of your life.
Men, on the other hand, are encouraged to be the provider and protector. However, until there is a family to actually provide for and protect, they are encouraged to “sow their oats” and enjoy their youth. Dare devil sports, motorcycles or crazy cars, drinking heavy, clubs, multiple girlfriends at once, video games, tailgates, vacations, etc. Men are taught to “do it while you can.”. Family may be great and the ultimate goal but it will still rob you of a bit of yourself.
When a couple begins, they independently decide what their ultimate goal will be. If it’s temporary (usually because they’ve already determined it’d be too much work to be happy), the amount of work will be minimal. Have fun until it’s not fun anymore. Pretty simple. However, if there’s potential of “something else” (whatever that means to you), then the investments are made. Unfortunately, those investments can often come in the form of complaints ( or just requests if you’re skilled at not sounding like you’re nagging) and concessions. With every statement, you decide who cares more about that particular issue and if the benefits outweigh the costs of giving in. Relationships are very transactional. We just don’t ever consider them that way. For some reason, a balance sheet isn’t considered romantic. Go figure…
Prospects are really projects but projects usually aren’t really prospects. Project – He’d be great if… Prospect – She’s great even though… There will always be buts… The oldest, happiest couples tell you they learn more about each other everyday. No one person stays the same. Life simply doesn’t allow it. Therefore, no relationship can stay the same. But if you go in ready to “fix” someone to what you want, failure is probable because you didn’t really want that person to begin with. That’s not to say you can’t see potential in a person but you also can’t fully define what the embodiment of that potential should look like.
Love can’t be forced and neither can personality changes. The most meaningful, long-lasting changes are choices. Choosing to love means choosing to change. You just have to make sure the changes you make or desire don’t lead to bitterness or a feeling of loss of self. Couples may work as units but they are still comprised of two independent thinking, independent feeling people. The view of a healthy, working unit is thanks to constant consideration of how the other person may feel about a situation. He and I. She and I. Always. That type of consideration doesn’t come form a successful project. Just ask Kim Kardashian. (Too soon?)
Wondering if she’s a project herself,
Sorry the post was so long. It’s been too long since I’ve posted and I just got a little excited…
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The Truth: According to Jo'van 
Agree, NOT romantic….No spreadsheets in a relationship unless they are used for budget reasons.
You say chosing to love is chosing to change…perhaps it’s more of choosing to grow, which you also reference. To reach success you have to be able to compromise, yes, but not to the extent of losing yourself as you say. Give and take is good as long as ultimately you are happy and feel fulfilled.
You are a prospect, my love.
Whatever do you mean? Today, I do this for you because three weeks ago you did this for me. 😉 Yes, growing as a person in your relationship with someone else may be the ultimate goal. However, I don’t feel reconsidering how much I curse because my boyfriend doesn’t or him to trying to remember to put down the toilet seat are signs of “growth” so much as they are of conscious change to make the other person happy. Not cursing means more to him than cursing necessarily means to me. It’s a small concession for me that could mean a lot to him. Maybe the point is really that changing something you do/don’t do to make someone else happy is a sign of unselfishness i.e. growth…. If you’re changing the your “core”, I hope it’s due to growth, possibly even evolution. But I see remembering to put shoes away and not flipping channels during football games as just the little things we do to save our energies for the arguments/disagreements worth the effort.
first not so much the key things in your article: I was a little sad to read you say that no one can be perfect for you hopefully you change your mind one day. of course by perfect I’m don’t mean to imply perfection so much as they fit with you in a way mmm say less than 1 percent of the world will plus you find them attractive plus you wanna grow old together etc.
Second, i found you mentioning that women are molded from a young age to be something was something I hadn’t really thought about and I realize that for most women that speaks true.
Regarding the true article topics: there will be small things that we change to make sure our partner is more comfortable around us. Cursing for example probably won’t be you 1 of them and it would be best if the the significant other accept you for that and not make you feel uncomfortable for doing so. how one speaks is so true to that person that for them to make the change should be self initiated and not forced by anybody else significant other or anybody else.
I will say that on my end of things there’s no way…I’m at least 99 percent sure… that I could date somebody who says like every other word but…maybe I’ll accept that one day and eat my words (and hopefully not nag said girl to make a conscious effort to drop that…habit…yeah it’ll be tough).
things like putting down the toilet seat are more types of courtesies we afford others without really changing ourselves and is something one may do for just a roommate let alone a significant other.
I’ve realized I’m going to have to make adjustments when I’m in my next relationship. I’ve learned that lesson by re entering the game. but bottom line you gotta know when to pick your battles, what youre willing to compromise for and what you won’t stand for…hopefully the latter u realize early and save yourself and them time effort and emotions. Learned that one.
knowing what youre allowed to ask them to change. Looks related stuff, not so much. Pushing them to Workout to Lose weight to be healthier or look better… never your choice/right.
Did I mention I’m a little weary of getting into a relationship again Haha. My place should be cleaner…and in general I’m too used to worrying just about me! I’ll adjust for it I’m sure. As long as she doesn’t sound like a valley girl. Lord help me.
I used my phone to voice type and hand type this otherwise I’d have written even more and been more eloquent.
Thank you, Suave. I think we’re on the same page. We change, we grow, we adjust. I just found the media references to “grooming/molding your husband” to be interesting and misguided. We all learn from and slightly change in every relationship we’re in. I think the problem arises when people assume they can change someone else “for the better”. One) you’re proving you’re not really into the person you’re with and Two) your setting yourself up for disappointment. Let someone surprise you. It’ll mean more.