Romantic Cynic: Being Called Temptation

Although her sound is jazzier and more sultry than I could ever write to compliment, I’d suggest listening to Diana Krall’s live version of “Temptation” while reading this post. It gives you a grown up sound to go with my refreshingly juvenile thoughts.

In line with “Reconnecting”, I had dinner with another old friend this summer.  Now, this one was definitely closer to just being a friend than not.  Our thing was (mostly) mental.  We never were a “we”, just around each other.  Everything with him was like a game.  Incessant flirting, bordering inappropriate but never crossing the line because we refused to draw it.  We were in a fashion show together and by the end of it, all of the models had to change in one big room, male and female.  Depending on your outfit, you could be changing in front of essentially everyone, wearing nothing but a thong in between outfits.  Now, I know that I was one of probably 40 female models so I don’t expect that too many of the male models were concerned with looking at me but I know we’d both looked around….

Anyway, another Facebook connection led to dinner while he was randomly in town.  It was good.  Nice dinner, fun to catch up.  You know those people that are just entertaining?  The ones that make every single conversation intriguing, if not worthwhile.  That’s kind of how this friend is.  It’d been years but it was easy.  Not because we had a “connection” but because our personalities just click, in a way with no expectations.  As soon as I picked him up, we were off.  Along with the clicking came the flirting.  Flirting’s innocent enough…unless of course one of you isn’t exactly single.  So that may have just been the case with us but what’s a girl to do?  I really miss flirting for the sake of flirting, thought provoking, fun flirting.  We don’t live in the same state so it’s not like actions could really be an issue. Just innocent words at dinner….and maybe a few more after dinner but whatever.

As a part of our later conversations, one thing in particular stuck out to me, probably because I was flattered although I don’t know if I should have been.  He told me it’s a good thing that we wouldn’t get another chance to see each other because I would be temptation.  Temptation, really?  Me?  That just sounded so odd.  Flattering but odd?  I could come up with an endless number of descriptions for myself but I can guarantee you “temptation” wouldn’t make the list.  Not wanting to make matters any worse than they already seemed to be, I didn’t press the issue. Why discuss that which can’t really be dealt with or acted on?  But I still wonder what, if anything, about me says “temptation”?  Would it just be the fact that we were comfortable together thus making me a seemingly easy mark? Or did it have something to do with something physical about me like maybe he just has a thing for tall, smart ass, black women?  Then again maybe it was just because it couldn’t, therefore it sounded perfect.  Whatever the case, I was temptation.  And I’m not gonna lie, I kinda liked it.

Since temptation is usually a bad thing, something you fight, I’m knew I shouldn’t have been excited about wanting to claim the description.  And I doubt there’s another person that would say the same thing about me but I’m going to hold onto it, just for a little while longer.  Growing up, I looked and felt like Steve Urkel from the show Family Matters; skinny, awkward and nerdy.  I’ve since outgrown that look but the insecurities associated with it linger in the back of my mind.  If a really attractive person even hints that they’re thinking the same thing about me, I immediately assume they’re full of shit and remove myself from the situation.  I don’t need the embarrassment.  That tactic has worked pretty well for me so far.  But what do you do when you’re caught off guard and actually want to believe what they’re saying?  An attractive person that you enjoy talking to, have a good time with tells you you’re gorgeous, hell yeah, you’re going to want to believe it.  But that belief means a little less when the timing’s all wrong.  That was my dilemma.  And of course, this was presented in such a way that I couldn’t even enjoy it.

I have no resolution for this “issue”.  I just think it’s interesting that anyone could consider me temptation.  Also, I feel it’s important to say that regardless of my “tempting powers” or his, the fact that he was in a relationship was all I needed to know.  Sure, I could’ve played ignorant or worse, just not cared.  I mean I didn’t know her.  I would probably never have to meet her or feel all that guilty.  But who in the world needs that karma?  I’m being kicked around enough for other things.  Why embrace that level of bad shit with open arms?  Just flirting probably crossed a line I’ll recognize and pay for later.  I don’t have to know her to respect them.  But if I didn’t feel that way…..

Diana’s singing my sentiments exactly,

Jo’van

July 5, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Reconnecting

I keep daydreaming.  But not the kind of fanciful, wistful dreaming.  It’s the potential conversation kind.  You know preparing the answers for the questions you’ll never be asked.  How would I respond to statement 1 vs 2?  Does that warrant regal and stoic or just straightforward and unedited?  Shit. Not again.

I recently reconnected with an “ex” via Facebook.  (The term “ex” is relative to someone who does her best to avoid relationships but I feel it’s the best fit right now so I’m sticking with it.  Plus, “a little more than a friend” is just too long.)  The wonders of social media bring people you forgot, tried to forget, never really knew or have never met into clear view and easy access.  It’d been almost 3 years since we’d seen each other, 4 since we’d really talked.  So seeing his name in my inbox was a bit surprising, unnerving, intriguing.  He’d recently moved to the city my father lives in and wanted to connect the next time I go out to visit.  Unbeknownst to him, I had a trip planned out there the following month.  We didn’t exactly end on bad terms so I said “what the hell?”  Let’s find out what he’s been up to.

Of course at this point, you start to reevaluate your current situation.  What if he looks amazing, is married to a former supermodel-turned-broker, has a child destined for Mensa,  and an unbelievable job?  What am I going to be able to say/show for myself?  Sure, I am gainfully employed and enjoy my job but for how long? The economy’s still really shaky.  I think I look pretty good right now but I only had so much to work with in the beginning.  I’ve done pretty much all I can for myself for free.  I’m in debt up to my eyeballs but have still managed to maintain a healthy shopping problem.  My “music” is not moving in any direction.  I can’t really speak to any amazing relationships I have/had.  In fact, I haven’t really done anything that interesting since he knew me, just followed my short term plan and ended up in Austin, TX with a platonic wife (he knows), our dog children and two jobs.

I must say that I know that my life does not suck.  I am blessed to have the people and things I do around me.  It’s just that people from the past really make me question my current.  What have I done since they knew me?  Have I grown up? Regressed? Sold out? Bought in? Conformed? Reformed? Calmed down? Gotten feistier? Completely done a 180?  Depending on who you talk to and how long ago they knew me, it could be any of these things.  Of course at this time, I was only concerned with the different person I might have been with/to him.

Anyway, I kind of stressed about it but gave up on that after a while.  I didn’t have it in me to buy into my own questions.  If I’ve changed, I’ve changed.  I can only hope it’s for the better.  I could, on the other hand, now concern myself with how he might’ve changed.  So what if he’s not the successful, beautiful husband and father?  What if he’s just normal?  Then what?  If he’s changed for the better or worse, I can pretty much handle that.  It’s a new person, a new situation.  But what if nothing much has changed?  What if I look at him and still see the person who caught my attention at a conference in Miami in 2004?   Then I could be in trouble.  I don’t know if/how I can prepare for that.

There are few people I loathe.  (I’d say hate but loathe seems more refined…) Those people have done something to hurt me.  Everyone else, exes, old friends, etc, has pretty much just faded into the past.  You miss the memories of being with them but don’t regret any of it or make any real efforts to recreate them.  But what about when they come back into your life?  How do you handle introducing the new you to someone who knew the old one?  I don’t have any answers or resolutions for this.  I’m just wondering.

Now, this “ex”, I don’t know what that was/is.  We saw each other and it was good, completely comfortable, almost too comfortable.  We’re talking again but I’m not looking for this to move beyond talking.   I’ve learned expectations are a waste of time.  Just to be talking again is odd.  I never thought I’d see him again so this is just an interesting situation as it stands.  We’ve both changed but not so extremely that we didn’t recognize each other or our connection.  It was more of a revelation that I hadn’t changed as much as I like to think I had.  He still knew me.  I wonder how many other people still know me despite the growing pains I’ve experienced and possibly blown out of proportion?

Reminiscing,

Jo’van

June 12, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: Sexy Equals “Reading in Bed”

I recently wrote a post wondering if a partner up to your physical standard was important.  I haven’t exactly figured that one out for myself but had a recent epiphany (as painful as it might have been).  The physical is very important being the first thing you (and your friends) notice and sometimes being strong enough to temporarily  blind you to everything else.  But sometimes it’s just not enough (no matter how badly you may want it to be).  There has to be something else to keep you intrigued when you’re not looking at each other.  What makes you smile when he sends you a sweet message?  Or when she calls just to hear your voice?  Probably not her ass or his abs.

Sure, the physical image and moments are important and can have lasting effects but what keeps you happy may not be that shallow.  For me personally, I need another ( and by another I mean additional) form of stimulation.  Talk to me.  Tell me something I didn’t know.  Make me think.  Make me smile about more than just your body/face/arms/etc. (Oh, in case you didn’t know, I’m an arms woman.)

I met a guy last year that was/is absolutely beautiful; handsome face, perfect body, good times.  I won’t even pretend or try to find another way to say it.  Being pleasantly average, I was intimidated by his good looks.  Yeah, I know that I’m an amazing person, worth the world, and all that jazz, but that wouldn’t stop me from being the ugly one in the couple’s photos.  My sparkling personality would not stop strangers from wondering “How’d she manage that/him?”  But I figured since he didn’t seem to notice he could find a better physical match, I wouldn’t bring it up.  What’s the point in planting unnecessary questions?  🙂

As we talked and chatted online, I started to pick up on some not so attractive qualities, at least to me.  Not every woman is as picky as I am, especially when the physical is so impressive, but I kinda like signs of a deeper person, and by deeper person, I pretty much mean inner nerd.  What motivates you?  Pisses you off?  What books do you read?  Music do you listen to?  I need conversations, challenges, not just words thrown out there for entertainment.  Regardless, after a little more time together, I realized I couldn’t deal with just the physical for any real amount of time.  Sure, in those desperate/lonely moments, he’ll sound amazing but that’s just because he’s familiar (and gorgeous).  Maybe if he just never spoke, wrote, tried to communicate with words…

Sadly, I know I can’t function like that.  As much fun as it may sound, I’m just not the trophy type.  Physical just can’t do enough for me.  I am entirely too complicated to be so easily satisfied.  I need that “mental standard”.  In comparison to the physical, I’m less willing to compromise.  We BOTH need to be at least slightly above average on the “smart scale”.  (And yes, I do consider myself to have above average intelligence.  Feel free to disagree.  And becuase I’m said that, I’m sure these post will be riddled with ty-pos and grammartical errors. 🙂 Feel free to point them out.  I’ll adjust accordingly.)  If the proverbial “he” was significantly less intelligent (or just less eloquent) than I am, I believe I’d get frustrated.  I fear the thought of him being stupid would cross my mind and I might treat him accordingly in difficult situations.  That’s very shallow and mean of me but I just don’t think I’m that big of a person yet.  On the other hand, if I knew his intelligence was leaps and bounds beyond mine, I fear I’d be permanently intimidated.  Unlike looks, there’s little I can do to match intelligence.  A gym membership, regular hair appointments and plastic surgery’s not going to help me.  You can’t pay to be smarter.   I don’t like feeling less.  I need a balance.  We need to be close enough to provide good conversations and do so without feelings of superiority or inferiority.  It sucks but I’m just being honest.  I don’t need a rocket scientist or a doctor and could be very happy with a truck driver or a maintenance man. Your occupation (and paycheck for that matter) doesn’t define your intelligence.  Not everyone has bankable “book smarts”.  I just want/need someone who likes to learn and who’ll continually challenge me to do the same.

I realized a few year ago just how big of nerd I was and the fact that I was looking for one.  One night, I decided it was best to crash on a male friend’s couch rather than going home.  It was a little late/early.  Now, to be honest, I was a little more than “interested” in this friend but nothing was happening (at that point, at least).  Anyway, I walked into his room to ask him a question.  Keep in mind we’d known each other for a few months and I’d seen him in a bathing suit.  He was cute and I was attracted but what I saw when I walked into his room that night pretty much melted my heart.  Imagine.  Imagine.  (I’m sure the title of this post probably gives it away but) NERD ALERT: I saw him sitting in bed with his glasses on reading a book.  Having a class with him, I’ve seen him read before but there was something different about seeing him do it for pleasure.  The glasses bit didn’t exactly hurt, especially since I was coming in to see if he had an extra contact lens case.  Who knew reading could be so sexy?  Then he proceeded to tell me about the book.  To be honest, I couldn’t tell you what it was about now but I do remember how earnest he was about whatever he was saying.  He’d read the book before and thought it was great because…..

Look, yes, I really appreciate the hard work guys put in in the gym.  And yes, I love the way a man looks when he’s well put together.  Massages are amazing.  The random “just thinking about you”s can stop me in my tracks.  And don’t even get me started on the effects certain colognes have on me.  But if you really want me to get excited about sharing a significant amount of time and a small (possibly rectangular) space with you, read for me, baby.  It’s not all I need but it certainly can’t hurt.  (Wow, I’m such a nerd. Haha)

Dreaming of her reading buddy,

Jo’van

May 3, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: Not the Type to Take to Prom

I’ve been recently thinking about my perpetual (largely self-induced) singledom and remembered something a friend told me in high school that makes me wonder if the guys I meet think the same way today and whether that would be such a bad thing.

In high school, I remember approaching a male friend to ask about something (who knows what).  For some reason, he thought I was going to ask him to prom.  (To this day, I have no idea how he came to that conclusion.  Going to prom with him still sounds like a horrible idea 7 years later.)  Anyway, he stopped me and kind of stepped back.  “You’re cool but you’re not the kind of girl I’d take to prom.”  What?! First, I was confused why he would think I would ask him and second, I was offended.  (Oh, high school drama).  After being stunned, I laughed and then got angry.  Realizing he’d completely misread my intentions, he kind of stammered and tried to talk his way out of it. (Typically a bad idea with me.  Stop, collect your thoughts, and proceed.  I pay too much attention and will tear apart every stupid comment you make in explanation.)  He proceeded to tell me that we’re good friends and all, but he doesn’t see me like that, blah, blah, blah.  Well, good.  I didn’t seem him that way either.  But since he’d brought it up, why didn’t he see me like that?  What type of girl was I?  Was it because of my race/ethnicity?  Height? Weight? Personality? Religion? What?  After realizing he’d have no choice but to be honest, he told me, “You’re not the type of girl to take to prom.  You’re the type to marry.”

Well, okay then.  What do you do with that?  Knowing him and his interests, I had no choice but to translate that to mean I’m not the type to take out in hopes of immediate sex.  I’m the type to actually date.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It’s actually a good thing.  But where does that leave someone like me 7 years later?  I’d like to believe that statement still holds true for me but are there new dimensions to add as I approach 25, not 18?  At what point do girls/ladies/women like me start to become the goal and not the concern?  And is there a middle ground for us?  Does this type of statement mean you respect us but realize you’re not ready for us yet?  Or that we’re more effort than you’re willing to expend in general?  Or does it just sound like something a girl you’re not interested in should like to hear?

Never hoping to be a whore, does the idea of dating someone worth marrying scare men my age the same way the statement scares me?  Yes, I do believe I’m the type to marry but please don’t discuss marriage with me within the first few months of knowing each other.  I believe in the institution but don’t see it anywhere in my near future.  Telling me you’re looking for a “mate” on our third date (yes, it has happened) is a sure fire way to guarantee there will not be a fourth.  Have I switched places with my friend from high school?  Does my fear of someone looking for a wife in the short term mimic my friend’s fear of a girl looking to actually date before giving it up?  While I’m not looking for a one-night stand, I would like to date for fun and get to know you, no future agenda immediately in mind.  Do I still want to be the type to marry as the men I encounter are in search of wives and the future mothers of their children?

While it creates awkward situations, I think yes.  I’m afraid of what the alternate descriptions might be.  Plus, in addition to the “ready to get married yesterday” guys, there are plenty of the “after I’ve seen everything, I hope to never see you again” as well as the “let’s see where this goes” guys.  I just have to make sure I’m not judging them all by my insecurities and assumptions.  However, for the record, can I request that I be seen as the type of woman to marry (after an appropriate, comfortable length of time dating)?

Admiring a ring-less left hand,

Jo’van

April 13, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Up to Your Physical Standard

Everyone wants to be with someone they’re attracted to.  Thankfully, we all have different “types” making it easier for us all not to fight over the Brad Pitts and Halle Berrys.  Some people like the Carson Dalys and Roseannes.  Regardless of what your type is, you want to think the person you’re attracted to is cute, up to your physical standard.  But then you wonder just how cute you are.  Are you a movie star (after the airbrushing), an average person or a hobbit?  Are you up to your own physical standard?

When it comes to attraction, we’re all faced with three situations.  Which one would you prefer?

1.) You’re cuter than your partner.  What do you do if you know you’re more attractive than your significant other? Does it boost your confidence or make you worry they’re only with you for your looks?  Is the connection strong enough for you not to desire a cuter boy/girlfriend?

2.) You’re partner’s cuter than you are.  Everyone wants to be with someone gorgeous (by their terms) but how does that make you feel when you look at photos of you two?  Are you proud of what you’ve been able to snag? Or are you wondering when they’ll stop playing around with you and move on to an equally beautiful person?

3.) You’re equally attractive.  This is a difficult balance to reach.  We see this most often at the extremes.  Either you are a Ken and Barbie couple or you both look like someone beat you with the couple’s ugly stick.  With “average” looking couples, there’s bound to be one person that’s more attractive than the other.  It just depends on whether you’re considering faces or body types.

So where do you typically fall?  Are you just a beautiful person who can’t seem to find anyone as attractive as them?  Or an ugly person vainly striving to catch that one beautiful person to give your children hope?

I’d like to believe that I am pleasantly average.  There’s nothing too offensive about my appearance.  While there are things that could be better (small bosom and magically disappearing top lip) but there are also things that could be far worse (suffering from noassatall or having fat feet).

I’ve recently considered how I would feel about dating someone I knew was much more attractive than I was.  While I’d like to believe I’d embrace this as an opportunity to bask in beauty’s glow at every possible chance, I don’t know if my ego could really take that.  Would I be able to overcome my insecurities and accept that person could think I’m also beautiful and like me for me?  Probably not right now in my self-evolution.  I’m not that comfortable with myself yet.  Instead, I think I would assume they were just passing time with me until a barbie walked by.  If their face is mesmerizing, shouldn’t their partners be?  If they have the sculpted body, shouldn’t their partner?  Wouldn’t you want to believe you contributed to the cuteness of a couple’s picture?

If the person I’m dating is more than attractive than I am, I think we ‘ll both need to be closer to average than either extreme.

In search of her above-average beau,

Jo’van

March 6, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Aching for Heartache

Are you a sap?  I am.  A self-professed sap.  Yes, I’ll judge other people for crying in public during movies.  But show me the same movie on my own couch and my eyes are likely to water and my lower lip to quiver.  I am an extremely emotional person, only I absolutely refuse to let other people see that.  (I guess I’ll just tell them about it in a blog post.)  I like to appear strong.  There aren’t many people I’d let see me cry (even in a public movie theater).  I can count the friends who’ve seen me cry since middle school on one hand.  Not something to necessarily be proud of but just giving you some background.

Do you ever find yourself watching movies or listening to music and yearning to feel what they feel?  The desire can be so strong sometimes that you may actuatlly seem to get caught up in that desired emotion.  A sad scene, your heart’s aching.  An apologetic lyric, your heart’s aching.  That crescendo in the score of an epic movie, heart aching.  Only it’s not really your emotion, at least not  your genuine, original emotion.  Can you want something to be real badly enough to make it real?  No, okay.  It sure beats indifference and boredom sometimes. 

Using a busy life as an excuse not to add one more aspect is pretty weak.  I personally like to multi-task and function better when I’m busy.  The one thing I don’t necessarily always allow myself to add is someone to relax with.  When your brain slows down and you get off work, you just might enjoy doing nothing — with someone else.  Going to a movie, watching a mindless television show, sharing a good meal with almost endless conversation or no need for one, doing nothing but breathing the same air, holding a hand gently but for dear life, just being close to someone.  It’s amazing how content those moments can make you feel. 

Contentment is not something to take lightly.  It (usually) takes a decent amount of work and awkward “getting to know you” moments to get to that level.  But once you’ve achieved it, contentment can be enough for quite some time.  I would personally advocate a little more contentment in all of our lives sometimes.  Until a source makes itself impossible to ignore, don’t feel ashamed of spending some more time with your couch and a romantic comedy as you continue to ache for the heartache, yearn for the yearning, and look forward to not looking back.

Searching for my copy of”The Notebook”,

Jo’van

November 28, 2008
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Dating in the Group

Should you ever date in the group?  This question has come up for a couple of friends of mine lately.  When and how should this happen?  Is it selfish to not want to risk the group dynamic for a more personal relationship?  Does it have to be a choice?  These are all good questions and since I don’t have the answer I’ll just give you a few more to consider…

1.) Would this type of group accept and/or condone your “special” relationship?  I agree that no one can make decisions of the heart for you but they can make a particular option less comfortable than another.

2.) Has this person had other “special” relationships in the group? An ex can give you a good idea of what to expect OR jealously/bitterly make things much more difficult for you within the group.

3.) Who’s group is it really?  Should this not work out would you be facing a joint-custody situation?  Or would one of you essentially have to leave the group as a whole?

4.) Are you ready to mix your worlds?  How do you operate?  Do you keep your relationships separate from your friendships?  Are you ready for the group to know ALL of your business?

5.) Is the group or an individual in the group pushing you two together?  Who’s idea was this “special” relationship in the first place?  Although they may mean well, matchmakers aren’t always realistic, just hopeful.

6.) On the flip-side, is there someone in the group not as enthusiastic about this possible “special” relationship as you’d expect them to be?  If so, it might be worth it to pick their brain.  Often our friends see things we chose to ignore when they might affect the decision we want to make.

7.) Most importantly, are you genuinely interested in this person and willing to “see whatever happens”?  If so, none of these other questions matter. 

You can be respectful of the group AND go for broke all at the same time IF it’s worth it to you at that moment.  Sometimes things in a group happen naturally.  If so, go for it.  The easy transition from group friend to “special” friend probably means something.  However, if any part of it seems forced, it might be time to reconsider.  Anything remotely romantic or sexual can do a lot more damage than a platonic argument within a group. 

We form and join groups for various reasons; protection, inclusion, distraction, encouragement, whatever. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with valuing those reasons above any other.  We may not be able (or want) to risk our current place and role in the group.

Just thinking,

Jo’van

November 12, 2008
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: Lustration

A friend recently asked me how I did it.  How do I manage to avoid relationships altogether?  Being a self-affirmed man-hater who is now in a wonderful relationship, she now thinks it’s time for me.  “X-amount of time, really?”  I can only shrug my shoulders and smile. 

A lot goes into giving up singledom.  Many people feel quite the opposite, dreading every moment of not being attached.  However, if you’ve been unattached for long enough, the opposite can almost become true.  Giving up that freedom and opening yourself up to that level of risk again begins to lose its wonder.  You can become quite self-sufficient and rediscover the level of dependence you once had on your platonic female friends.  You find new ways to keep yourself busy (or distracted depending on how fresh your singledom is).  You start to redefine (a.k.a. narrow) what you’re looking for in a partner.  The more time, the longer the list, further perpetuating your singledom.

The only thing that can’t be killed with time is the physical, the carnal, human touch.  (I just really like to use the word carnal whenever possible.)  As the memories fade, so should the urges but alas, no such luck.  The subtle things can be the most detrimental.  A kiss on the back of the neck, a hand on the small of the back, a t-shirt that smells like him.  (Side note: If smell is supposed to be the strongest sense tied to memory and that memory is tied to desire, does that mean scent is tied to desire?  If so, that explains a lot, damn Dolce & Gabbana…)  Colognes would have to be my ultimate downfall.  Certain scents will make me turn into one of those girls in the Axe commercials.

Whatever it is that reminds you of the (beautiful) things you’re missing out in your current singledom, when it comes to the carnal, you’re most often left with feelings of lust and frustration.  I call this uniquely annoying  and potentially dangerous feeling “lustration”.  On one hand, if you’re into self-deprivation, it’s a reminder and test of your dedication to avoiding “messy” relationships.  On the other, if you don’t mind physical connections without the “messy” emotional ones, this feeling could get you into some trouble.  I’m not advocating or disavowing one-night stands, but at a certain level of lustration, they become a considerable alternate.  If you’re moderately attractive, clean and willing… 

If a one-night stand is not enough for you, lustration can prompt you to re-evaluate your reasons for perpetuating your singledom.  I’ll never say anyone should enter a relationship to satisfy a physical “itch” (probably a poor choice of words) but it can be a strong enough force to consider one.

I’ll end by saying lustration is a royal pain in the ass; mostly because it may just be that nudge you need to want to do something different.  Lazy and avoiding life can often look the same UNTIL your next wiff of sexy cologne…

Avoiding attractive men at all costs (apparently),

Jo’van

November 2, 2008
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: A Face for the Fantasy

A couple of weeks ago, I met a boy (as Chivis would say).  He was everything I needed to know at the moment: cute, amazing body, fun, seemingly genuine and COMPLETELY not for me (not in order of importance, just in order of what I noticed 🙂 ).  Nothing could really be expected from this encounter other than the immediate excitement.  And as the excitement passed, I accepted that it had to b/c we were not in the same place in our lives, figuratively or literally.  However, that realization did not affect the nearly immediate daydreaming involving him.

You see while I am (and will probably always be) a cynic and extremely girly or cutsy things (or movies) make me physically ill, I am also a hopeless romantic.  A single flower for no reason and self-made CDs, notes in the pocket of my jacket and a sweet text message in the middle of the afternoon, asking about my friends and seeming interested, opening my car door, taking my dog out in the rain b/c I just got a relaxer, things like that regrettably make me (for lack of a better word) swoon.  Don’t tell me I’m beautiful when I’ve never felt more unattractive or take care of me when I’m sick if you don’t want me to want to remember it.

However, being a person who avoids any possibilities of relationships past friendship (don’t ask me why, I haven’t dug that deep into my subconscious yet), I don’t often encounter people I would allow to make me swoon.  Most often if they do, they fell into my lap, therefore catching me off guard, as did this boy.

Being a romantic cynic has its perks in that you can judge and appreciate anyone and their gestures as you like.  However, it generally just serves to foster a wonderful imagination.  Just b/c you don’t do relationships doesn’t mean you can’t know (and imagine) what someone would have to do to absolutely render you weak in the knees.  If there’s not enough personal material to pull from, you simply create it.  (The beauty of a daydream)  This provides those fleeting crushes (or infatuations depending on the situation) with yet another purpose: to serve as the face of your current fantasy.  You know this person would (probably) never do the things you daydream about but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t.  The imaginary man of your dreams temporarily has a distinct name and face (or more).

To say/write this out loud is a little strange but I promised to speak only the truth.  So for now my imaginary prince charming has a face (and abs) I can describe and care to remember. 

Personally judging but forever honest,

Jo’van

October 19, 2008
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

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