Romantic Cynic: Aching for Heartache

Are you a sap?  I am.  A self-professed sap.  Yes, I’ll judge other people for crying in public during movies.  But show me the same movie on my own couch and my eyes are likely to water and my lower lip to quiver.  I am an extremely emotional person, only I absolutely refuse to let other people see that.  (I guess I’ll just tell them about it in a blog post.)  I like to appear strong.  There aren’t many people I’d let see me cry (even in a public movie theater).  I can count the friends who’ve seen me cry since middle school on one hand.  Not something to necessarily be proud of but just giving you some background.

Do you ever find yourself watching movies or listening to music and yearning to feel what they feel?  The desire can be so strong sometimes that you may actuatlly seem to get caught up in that desired emotion.  A sad scene, your heart’s aching.  An apologetic lyric, your heart’s aching.  That crescendo in the score of an epic movie, heart aching.  Only it’s not really your emotion, at least not  your genuine, original emotion.  Can you want something to be real badly enough to make it real?  No, okay.  It sure beats indifference and boredom sometimes. 

Using a busy life as an excuse not to add one more aspect is pretty weak.  I personally like to multi-task and function better when I’m busy.  The one thing I don’t necessarily always allow myself to add is someone to relax with.  When your brain slows down and you get off work, you just might enjoy doing nothing — with someone else.  Going to a movie, watching a mindless television show, sharing a good meal with almost endless conversation or no need for one, doing nothing but breathing the same air, holding a hand gently but for dear life, just being close to someone.  It’s amazing how content those moments can make you feel. 

Contentment is not something to take lightly.  It (usually) takes a decent amount of work and awkward “getting to know you” moments to get to that level.  But once you’ve achieved it, contentment can be enough for quite some time.  I would personally advocate a little more contentment in all of our lives sometimes.  Until a source makes itself impossible to ignore, don’t feel ashamed of spending some more time with your couch and a romantic comedy as you continue to ache for the heartache, yearn for the yearning, and look forward to not looking back.

Searching for my copy of”The Notebook”,

Jo’van

November 28, 2008
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Office Appropriate: Chest Hair is NOT an Accessory

As an addition to my earlier “Business Casual” post, I’d like to add another item for the men.  In the same spirit as cleavage.

  • Chest Hair is NOT an Accessory

Men, if you are furry, there’s nothing wrong with it.  There are a few perks.  For instance:

  • You’re warmer in the winter (or in the icebox that is most offices)
  • Some women (and men) like bears.  It somewhat reminds them of their stuffed animals growing up or something.
  • You can pull off the rugged man look at the beach.  Think Hugh Jackman…
  • You have infinite options for natural hair plugs in case you start balding.
  • You could be a model for a hair removal product infomercial.

BUT, if you are in the office, keep the hair-colored brush covered up.

  • It doesn’t look professional.  Glistening chest hair in a staff meeting can be quite distracting.
  • Wear a t-shirt or tank top.  I can’t wear a wife-beater over my legs in a skirt.  Be happy you have the option.
  • Button your shirts.  Most men’s shirts are not cut with a deep vneck in mind.  They’re evenly spread out.  Use your buttons near the top.

I like my legs.  And some people may find them attractive.  But that does not mean I can or should expose them at the office.  Chest hair is no different.  It’s natural and nothing to be ashamed of but do us all a favor and cover that shit up.  (Plus, it just reminds me of my dad.)

Stocking up on undershirts to hand out,

Jo’van

November 26, 2008
Categories: Office Appropriate (Work Life), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

No Patience for You: F Me Pumps

If you have not heard the Amy Winehouse song, please do.  (The video features her healthy!!!)

Amy Winehouse “F Me Pumps”

Amy Winehouse is a hot mess but she’s made a wonderful point in this song.  A few of my favorite lyrics:

  • “You don’t like players.  That’s what you say-a.  But you really wouldn’t mind a millionaire.”
  • “You can’t sit down right cuz your jeans are too tight and you’re lucky it’s ladies night.”
  • “Without girls like you, there’d be no fun.  We’d go to the club and not see anyone.  Without girls like you, there’s no nightlife.  All those guys just go home to their wives.”

Oh Amy, you prophet.  Why do some women make themselves look so ridiculous?

Ladies, when we go out, we want to look hot, sexy, smoldering, gorgeous, whatever adjective you like.  BUT there are so many of us that confuse sexy with sexed.  There is a distinct difference.  Here are a few hints:

1.) If men look you up and down and focus on your face – Sexy

2.) If men look you up and down and focus on an asset and make sure their buddy sees it – Sexed

3.) If women look you up and down and roll their eyes – Sexy

4.) If women look you up and down and laugh and make sure their friends see you – Sexed

5.) If your clothes show off your curves but you wouldn’t be embarrassed to see your boss at the bar- Sexy

6.) If you think long sleeves make up for a deep v-neck and a mini skirt -Sexed

7.) If you know that balance can be achieved with skin exposure – Sexy

8.) If your shoes or hair (natural or weave) cover more skin than your outfit – Sexed

9.) If he considers you a best kept secret – Sexy

10.) If he considers you best kept a secret – Sexed

That’s the beginning of my list.  A few other things came to mind (ill-placed tattoos, crack-exposing pants, thongs as an accessory, bras as an accessory, “accidentally” flashing, not knowing how to close your legs in a skirt, wearing anything by House of Dereon as a dress, Charlotte Russe) but they all seemed a little too obviously sexed.  And I didn’t have anything positive to suggest as an alternative.  I don’t have enough patience, I guess.

Ladies, regardless of what you have on, above all else, carry yourself with a level of dignity.  Being half-naked with a sense of entitlement might seem odd but at least you’ll have that.  If you’re comfortable in the outfit, it’s probably okay.  (Note: I said probably.  If you’re at all unsure, change.)  Just know who you’re wearing the outfit for; yourself or the theoretical “him”.

Shelving her F Me Pumps,

Jo’van

November 25, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: Dating in the Group

Should you ever date in the group?  This question has come up for a couple of friends of mine lately.  When and how should this happen?  Is it selfish to not want to risk the group dynamic for a more personal relationship?  Does it have to be a choice?  These are all good questions and since I don’t have the answer I’ll just give you a few more to consider…

1.) Would this type of group accept and/or condone your “special” relationship?  I agree that no one can make decisions of the heart for you but they can make a particular option less comfortable than another.

2.) Has this person had other “special” relationships in the group? An ex can give you a good idea of what to expect OR jealously/bitterly make things much more difficult for you within the group.

3.) Who’s group is it really?  Should this not work out would you be facing a joint-custody situation?  Or would one of you essentially have to leave the group as a whole?

4.) Are you ready to mix your worlds?  How do you operate?  Do you keep your relationships separate from your friendships?  Are you ready for the group to know ALL of your business?

5.) Is the group or an individual in the group pushing you two together?  Who’s idea was this “special” relationship in the first place?  Although they may mean well, matchmakers aren’t always realistic, just hopeful.

6.) On the flip-side, is there someone in the group not as enthusiastic about this possible “special” relationship as you’d expect them to be?  If so, it might be worth it to pick their brain.  Often our friends see things we chose to ignore when they might affect the decision we want to make.

7.) Most importantly, are you genuinely interested in this person and willing to “see whatever happens”?  If so, none of these other questions matter. 

You can be respectful of the group AND go for broke all at the same time IF it’s worth it to you at that moment.  Sometimes things in a group happen naturally.  If so, go for it.  The easy transition from group friend to “special” friend probably means something.  However, if any part of it seems forced, it might be time to reconsider.  Anything remotely romantic or sexual can do a lot more damage than a platonic argument within a group. 

We form and join groups for various reasons; protection, inclusion, distraction, encouragement, whatever. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with valuing those reasons above any other.  We may not be able (or want) to risk our current place and role in the group.

Just thinking,

Jo’van

November 12, 2008
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Office Appropriate: Where Is Your Casual Attire Considered Business?

Business casual attire seems to be a common problem for companies across the country.  Jeans, polos, flip-flops, short skirts, shorts, tennis shoes, open-toe suede platform stilettos.  Where is the line drawn?  Has it in fact only been drawn in the sands of time?  If so, was there a corporate sand storm I missed while watching What Not to Wear?

I recognize that while I am relatively young in the workforce (just barely under 25), I am a traditionalist at heart.  In the office, I feel there should be difference between what you wear to the office and what you wear either to the bar or just to grab a few groceries on the weekend.  If the outfit calls for your sexy, sassy perfume or would best be accessorized with a color-coordinated pair of Crocs, may I suggest that you return to your closet before proceeding to work?

Do I ever dress inappropriately (by Jo’van standards) to the office?  Oh, yes.  Everything’s covered but that’s not always the final determining factor.  Some days I just don’t feel like putting up the effort to look as professional as I should/could.  Peer pressure to fit in and all.  I work in a pretty causal profession in a very casual city.  With tech companies redefining the work uniform as either a school logo-d t-shirt or polo, khaki shorts or jeans, and flip-flops or tennis shoes (Mix and match as the pile of clothes on your floor allows), success and appearance are no longer synonymous.  You can be a slob and a self-made millionaire at 25.  (On the other side, you can be half-naked and marry a self-made millionaire at 25…)  However, we are not all so lucky (or waxed).  Unless dressing up means ironing your commemorative UT National Championship t-shirt when a client comes into the office, why must we test the boundaries any (and every) other time?

A few pet peeves for the fellas.  (My list for the ladies is longer because we have more options.)

1.) Wrinkled or Fold-Creased Clothing: If I have to explain this, we have a problem.  Wrinkled or fold-creased just screams “I don’t care.  I bought the shirt.  You should be happy.”  Hint: NO drycleaner creases your shirt horizontally.  Iron that shit out.

2.) Tennis Shoes with Dress Pants:  Look I get it.  Women have more options.  But rest assured, our mass of options are just more choices of uncomfortable shoes.  “My dress shoes are uncomfortable” will not fly with me.  Wear some stilettos and let me know what you think after.  Just wear the shoes you know you should.  Hint If a Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Puma, Vans, etc logo appears on the outside of the shoe ANYWHERE, they’re tennis shoes.  Personally, I’m not a fan of cowboy boots with dress pants (or anywhere) but now live in Texas and have no say.  So if you need a change from the traditional dress shoes and loafers, go that route (as tastefully as possible).

3.) Unshaven messes:  Shaving sucks.  I agree.  (Mine covers more surface area but you have to walk around with little pieces of tissue paper on your face when you screw up.)  And you have the right to grow out your facial hair as you please.  However, do so with attention to your appearance.  As you try desperately to make those patches appear to be a beard, please keep them all even.  Monday’s 5 o’clock shadow turns into Wednesday’s “have you looked in the mirror.”

On to the Ladies…

Oh, to narrow it down JUST to 10.

1.) Flip-flops: They look cheap and are noisy.  I should never have to see that much of someone’s foot in a “shoe.”  (I HATE feet.   Everyone’s.  Mine included.)

2.) Decorated Flip-flops: A bejeweled or leopard-print flip-flip is STILL a flip-flop. 

3.) Mini skirts: They made a come back but were never appropriate in the office in the first place.  This applies to tall and short people alike.  The old high-school rule of hands to side and skirt passed your fingertips is no longer enough.  An office appropriate skirt should always be closer to your knee than you middle finger.

4.) Mini skirts with Tights: Mini skirts are still office appropriate skirts missing valuable fabric when paired with opaque tights.  Tights are thicker versions of stockings (or hose, depending on what you call them).  They are not a pant substitute.  If you would not wear the same skirt with pants (thus making it a wide belt), it should not be worn to the office at all.

5.) Ultra-tight or Ultra-clingy fabrics: If you have Jessica Biel or Halle Berry’s bodies, congratulations.  But that does not mean it should be flaunted at the office.  Feel free to rub it in the rest of the world’s face in other more appropriate situations.  For the office, stick with fitted.  Please note: Fitted does NOT equal tight.  If you are incapable of making the distinction, go with a little loose.  Clean cuts and fabrics not completely made of Lycra are a good start.  If you have not been following the Biel or Berry exercise and diet regimen, you should already understand why you should never wear tight or clingy clothes.  Showing off what you either don’t have but wish you did or do have and wish you could give away is not really showing off…

6.) Extreme Cleavage: Bosom-blessed women.  I’m sorry but this one’s just for you.  (Don’t worry.  The next one’s for people with my body type.)  Sexy and serious are not the same thing in the office.  In addition to the several men who will have ENTIRE conversations with your chest, you’re opening yourself up for chronic chest colds.  Companies like healthy employees.  If you cannot live without your v-neck or scoop neck tops, please invest in tank tops with HIGH NECK LINES.  If you tank only covers one of your six inches of cleavage, it’s not enough.  Good effort and all but no.  I’d also reconsider any top where the buttons covering your chest appear to be holding on for dear life.  Just a thought.

7.) Booty-Exaggerating Bottoms: If you’re blessed with a permanent cushion from backward falls, congrats but please recognize the careful attention you must now pay to work pants and skirts. Lines across the butt and skirts that come up three inches higher in the back than they do in the front are not cute.  Don’t overcompensate by swallowing your butt in extra fabric and ill-fitting bottoms.  Baggy booty is not attractive either.  But please, don’t wear pants so tight across the butt that we can describe the pattern of the lace on your underwear or we can actually see the thong you’re wearing (thus defeating the purpose).  Clothes should hug, not suffocate, your curves.  Plus, such ill-fitting clothes can actually create rolls, extra curves you don’t want.

8.) Spaghetti Strap, Strapless, or Halter Tops: Full chest, shoulders and upper back should not all be exposed in the office.  It’s a little too much skin.  Bra straps (clear or otherwise) are not supposed to be used as accessories.  Strapless and spaghetti are non-negotiable.  However, if the halter covers equally in the front and back (typically with a mock turtleneck style), this should be okay.  Otherwise, pair these tops with a cardigan or shrug you DO NOT plan to remove.

9.) Proper Undergarments:  I am not one to govern your underwear.  Granny panties or thongs, lacy bras or sports bras, do whatever is comfortable AND looks good.  For instance, I am personally anti-thong.  If I’m going to pay the same price, I’d rather pay for more fabric and comfort.  Anybody that tells me thongs are comfortable is a liar. 🙂  However, if I choose full-coverage underwear and form-fitting pants, I must be cognizant of the infamous panty line.  (I think I’ve finally found the brand and style that prevents this fashion faux pas.  Let me know if you’d like the secret to my newly found comfort.)  Likewise, if your top does not allow for a normal bra, it probably should not be worn to the office.  (Please refer to Number 8.)  For NO REASON should you enter a professional setting without a bra.  Hippies, I’ll debate you on this statement, if you’d like.  Saggy boobs and a physical thermostat for cold weather are not office appropriate.  Well, at least in my line of business…

10.) Junior Staff Dressing Better Than Upper Management: I’ve always heard that you should dress one level above your current level.  Something about your appearance matching you level of work, making the decision to promote you that much easier.  However, I take personal offense to the idea of the majority of junior staff looking more professional than their bosses and senior colleagues.  I’m lucky enough to work in an office with interns.  I find it very interesting that interns can (and do) dress nicer than their supervisors.  Do as we say, not as we do.  I get that.  But still, everyday out dressed by your intern?  Really?

I am a stickler for some traditional rules.  Unless I can dress like a college student on campus (not our interns at the office), I’m never going to be comfortable at work.  If I’m not comfortable, I feel I should look good.  My good may be different from your good.  That’s fine.  I just wish we could find a common definition of what professional looks like.  No one expects hose and ties but ironed shirts and jeans not frayed on the bottom shouldn’t be too much to ask.  And don’t tell me business clothes are too expensive when you’re walking around in Seven jeans and BCBG heels or Kenneth Cole tennis shoes and a Miss Sixty button-up.  Damn my mother for making me look nice growing up…

Reevaluating my closet,

Jo’van

November 9, 2008
Categories: Office Appropriate (Work Life), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

Shades of Understanding: The Black, Female, Democrat Conundrum

Black. Female. Democrat.  If you’re not ALL of those things, this post may not apply to you.  The 2008 presidential election has been especially exciting for me.  (The final outcome was the highlight but I’ll write about that next week.  I still need time to digest.)

Leading up to the Democratic Convention, the country’s registered Democrats (and dissatisfied Republicans) were faced for the first time with two historic candidates: a young, charismatic mixed black senator from Chicago and a seasoned, well-known female senator from New York by way of the White House by way of Arkansas.  Both lawyers.  Both senators.  Both representing a fight for injustice.  One married to whom many considered to be the first “black president.”  The other on his way to becoming the first “actually black president.”  One a great orator.  The other a calculated speaker.  Not a knock to Barack Obama but I was a Hillary Clinton supporter.  Seeing as my side did not prevail, I will not dwell on my reasoning for leaning her way.  Just enjoy the below picture of my puppy Rodman sporting his “Howl for Hillary” shirt during her concession speech during the Democratic Convention.

Howl for Hillary

Howl for Hillary

I think the most interesting thing about my choice of candidate was the reaction I received from other Black, Female Democrats (BFDs) in my life.  Some were appalled that I could even CONSIDER not voting for the black candidate, as if I was abandoning my race.  I didn’t realize that it was my obligation to vote for any black person running for an office.  If the person is qualified AND the best candidate, Hell yes.  If not, it may be my responsibility to help them become the best candidate, not just to give them a position and cross my fingers.  Luckily, Barack Obama was a candidate I could and did (eventually) support.  But what if he wasn’t?….

Until Hillary was out of the race and had conceded, I was hoping to see a Clinton back in the White House.  Following the father-son Bush deal, how cool would it have been to have a husband-wife succession?  Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-Clinton.  And I still feel Bill Clinton should be the first First Gentleman.  Couldn’t you just see it: Bill Clinton in linen suits reading to underprivileged children in DC?  Simply magical….

In the words of Sojourner Truth, “Ain’t I a Woman?”  Does a black man usurp a white woman in who’s holding my best interests at heart?  Who decides if I’m more or less a woman than an African-American?  Am I not allowed to consider the politics when race and gender are an additional factor?  I feel it should be a personal decision.  Clinton and Obama could have been (and I believe were) BOTH candidates for me.  I’m proud to call Barack Obama MY President Elect.  But I’m still not giving up on Hillary.  I respect her too much not to hold out hope.  No offense to Biden but an Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama ticket would have been this Black, Female Democrat’s dream come true.

Still sporting her “I Voted” sticker,

Jo’van

November 5, 2008
Categories: Shades of Understanding (Race Relations), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: Lustration

A friend recently asked me how I did it.  How do I manage to avoid relationships altogether?  Being a self-affirmed man-hater who is now in a wonderful relationship, she now thinks it’s time for me.  “X-amount of time, really?”  I can only shrug my shoulders and smile. 

A lot goes into giving up singledom.  Many people feel quite the opposite, dreading every moment of not being attached.  However, if you’ve been unattached for long enough, the opposite can almost become true.  Giving up that freedom and opening yourself up to that level of risk again begins to lose its wonder.  You can become quite self-sufficient and rediscover the level of dependence you once had on your platonic female friends.  You find new ways to keep yourself busy (or distracted depending on how fresh your singledom is).  You start to redefine (a.k.a. narrow) what you’re looking for in a partner.  The more time, the longer the list, further perpetuating your singledom.

The only thing that can’t be killed with time is the physical, the carnal, human touch.  (I just really like to use the word carnal whenever possible.)  As the memories fade, so should the urges but alas, no such luck.  The subtle things can be the most detrimental.  A kiss on the back of the neck, a hand on the small of the back, a t-shirt that smells like him.  (Side note: If smell is supposed to be the strongest sense tied to memory and that memory is tied to desire, does that mean scent is tied to desire?  If so, that explains a lot, damn Dolce & Gabbana…)  Colognes would have to be my ultimate downfall.  Certain scents will make me turn into one of those girls in the Axe commercials.

Whatever it is that reminds you of the (beautiful) things you’re missing out in your current singledom, when it comes to the carnal, you’re most often left with feelings of lust and frustration.  I call this uniquely annoying  and potentially dangerous feeling “lustration”.  On one hand, if you’re into self-deprivation, it’s a reminder and test of your dedication to avoiding “messy” relationships.  On the other, if you don’t mind physical connections without the “messy” emotional ones, this feeling could get you into some trouble.  I’m not advocating or disavowing one-night stands, but at a certain level of lustration, they become a considerable alternate.  If you’re moderately attractive, clean and willing… 

If a one-night stand is not enough for you, lustration can prompt you to re-evaluate your reasons for perpetuating your singledom.  I’ll never say anyone should enter a relationship to satisfy a physical “itch” (probably a poor choice of words) but it can be a strong enough force to consider one.

I’ll end by saying lustration is a royal pain in the ass; mostly because it may just be that nudge you need to want to do something different.  Lazy and avoiding life can often look the same UNTIL your next wiff of sexy cologne…

Avoiding attractive men at all costs (apparently),

Jo’van

November 2, 2008
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Shades of Understanding: New Millenium, Same White Cleopatra

Imagine 1963; the politics, the Civil Rights Movement, the Vietnam War.  Fast forward 35 years;

  • Barack, a man of obvious African descent, is realistically running for the presidency
  • Halle and Denzel have Oscars in leading roles (Morgan finally got his for supporting)
  • Oprah is arguably the most powerful woman in America (Condi coming in a close second)
  • Tyra has managed to create and host two surprisingly successful television programs (my she’s come a long way from Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated)
  • Beyonce is EVERYWHERE
  • Cool is defined by Rihanna, Kanye and Usher
  • Two of the “whitest “sports in history are dominated by Tiger, Venus and Serena.
  • My 40 year-old boss is greeting me with a daily frat boyish “Yo”, a fist pound and discussing how T.I. is true gangsta rap
  • There is a line of clothing actually called Apple Bottoms (It still amazes and mystifies me when people suffering from the dreaded Noassatall (sound it out) have baggy apples for pockets)
  • Queen Latifah, rapper-turned-actress-turned-singer-turned-actress, is the only celebrity in history (at least in the US) to have her own full line of branded cosmetics under a major cosmetic distributor (Go Cover Girl!! The Queen’s Collection in the light purple packaging.)
  • And I use all of their first or stage names because everyone knows EXACTLY who I’m talking about.

African-Americans have come a long way in 35 years.  (Permanently pigmented brothers and sisters of lighter shades, keep your head up.  There is hope for us all!)

However, the one iconic role identified with the entire continent of Africa has been once again given to an actress lacking of pigment (at least in her skin).  The Welsh-beauty Catherine Zeta-Jones is said to have been cast to play the iconic Egyptian-beauty Cleopatra in an upcoming film. Now, I LOVE Catherine.  I think she is truly one of the most gorgeous, glamorous and classy actresses of her time.  We forgave her horrible accent in Zorro and delighted in her acrobatic skills in Entrapment.  We laughed at the worst movie ever, America’s Sweethearts, and cheered her (and her wig) on in Chicago.  But Cleopatra: The Musical starring Catherine Zeta-Jones is just ridiculous!

Are you telling me that there is not one pigmented beauty (who can sing, dance and act) they could possibly cast as Cleopatra?  Not one?  And I don’t just mean throw a black girl in some gold jewelry and cat-eye makeup.  Beyonce would be a mistake.  No Cleopatra should EVER be blond.  And while I’m sure Angela Bassett could get her groove back jungle fever-style with Hugh Jackman’s Marc Antony, the features would all be wrong.  But what about Halle Berry, Rosario Dawson or Thandie Newton?

Do you think they considered any of these actresses for the iconic (and/or Oscar winning) roles of June Cleaver Carter, Queen Elizabeth, Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc or Jackie O.?  “Well, of course not, Jo’van.”  Weak cough, squirm in chair, clasp hands and lean forward for a more intimate delivery.  “It’s not that these actresses could not have done amazing jobs.  We just wanted a true historical representation.”  So why the hell the double-standard for this character?  Everyone knows she was the ruler of Egypt (which happens to be in northern Africa for all casting directors who seem to overlook that fact).

I understand why an undiscovered (more physically appropriate) actress for a film of this magnitude would not be chosen.  But at least pretend like you tried.  Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra was wrong in 1963 but it was at least understood for the time.  We’ve come so far since then.  Can’t people of African descent finally claim this one historic role on the big screen?  The most beautiful (or desirable, depending on how you see it) woman in history was brown, the shade variant is debatable but brown nonetheless.  Can we finally claim her as our own and see an image closer to a “true historical representation”?  Catherine Zeta-Jones with a spray tan and liquid eyeliner is not enough in 2008!  If that’s the case, let’s do a bio-pic on Jackie O. starring Halle Berry!

Annoyed,

Jo’van

(Note: I said that Cleopatra is the most beautiful woman in history, because being the Latin geek that I am, I consider Helen of Troy the most beautiful woman in mythology.  And don’t get me started on the horrible casting for her role in Troy.  Brad Pitt or not, there was absolutely no reason for Achilles to be prettier than her.)

October 29, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Shades of Understanding (Race Relations), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

No Patience For You: Creeper Quote “I Bathe My Wife Everyday”

Recently, I went to coffee with two young ladies I’ll be working with for at least the next year.  The important thing to note is that I’d never met these ladies before.  While we were politely chatting amongst ourselves, this average looking man approaches our table and proceeds to tell me that I was beautiful and looked exactly like his wife.  I responded with a polite smile and an awkward “thanks.” Big mistake.  For some reason, I didn’t get the “creeper” vibe immediately.  For the next several minutes, he proceeded to creep us out by telling me:

1.) How much he loves his wife who looks exactly like me

2.) The reason my hair is not longer is because I don’t take care of it

3.) After flexing and asking each of us to touch his bicep, his entire body is as hard as a rock because of the navy; arms, abs, thighs

4.) How much he loves his wife who is my twin

5.) He could come to my house if I ever had car problems (Need a business card for a creepy local mechanic?  I have his.)

6.) How he bathes, massages from head-to-toe and brushes the ultra-long hair of his Spanish/African-American wife daily (But it’s okay because she does the same for him)

7.) If he weren’t married, he’d ask me to call him for drinks

And then walked away….

While my new associates were (understandably) asking me if/how/why, I simply sat there completely speechless.  Where the hell did this guy come from?  And why me?  If he’s married, his poor wife.  If not, that has to be the worst pick-up line ever “You look exactly like my wife.”  And why would he flex for three perfect strangers to show what 12 years in the navy can do for you?  How do your thighs enter ANY conversation?  Did I look inviting to this kind of ridiculousness?  And why in the world would you ever tell someone you bathe your wife everyday?

I seem to have a knack for attracting the crazies, the true creepers.  They must recognize my unrelenting curiosity.  Don’t approach me with ridiculousness.  As much as I’ll want to tell you off (and my actions and words will echo that sentiment), I find myself almost equally intrigued.  Just how crazy are you?  Can you top the last guy?  And what do you think will work on/for/with me?

That is until you cross the line and truly prove how creepy you can be.  Often, however, reaching that point (as immediate as it may be) means it’s too late to get out of a situation gracefully.  Overt rudeness or a friend’s rescue are your only hopes.  Just hope you have friends who want to spare you the pain rather than sit in a corner and laugh at it.

Confused (and still slightly uncomfortable),

Jo’van

October 26, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Eye of the Beholder: Shot Glass Therapy

Ok Ok.  It’s not as bad as it could sound.  It’s not the type of therapy you get from the contents of a shot glass but from the messages printed on them.  Like this one…

A Cutie with a Bootie Needs a Hottie with a Body

A Cutie with a Bootie Needs a Hottie with a Body

This particular shot glass makes me laugh because it’s so ridiculous and so true.  Only I’d substitute the “Needs” for a “Wants”.  I don’t need a man with a nice body but it sure would be nice.  🙂  But I wonder, if I’m looking for someone with a six-pack and beautiful arms, does that mean I should at least have a flat stomach and nice legs?  (Long does not equal nice, only more to shave.)

Is it unfair to want a level of attractiveness you yourself don’t live up to?  I’m average, normal, whatever. But I want to be with someone gorgeous.  Yes, that might lead to jealously or possessiveness but I’d be basking in his glory in the meantime.  I’d like to be THAT couple you see on the sidewalk when you wonder (almost out loud) “Why is he with her?”

This level of expectation is unrealistic, I understand that but somehow it creeps into my mind whenever a prospect approaches.  If I don’t know you well enough to consider you a friend, I can only evaluate you on two levels: appearance and conversation skills.  However, I’m  most often approached when shot glasses are an appropriate part of the decor.  Conversation skills are then affected by alcohol, people and noise and I’m left solely with appearance.

Is it so wrong to want a potential boyfriend to not have bigger boobs that I do?  I’m on the petite side.  Any competition could be detrimental to my self-esteem. 😦

How about a guy who’s body is pretty solid?  I’d like to be the soft one in the relationship.

And I just have a weakness for sculpted arms.  It must have something to do with a feeling of security.  Flex for me, baby. 🙂

I’ve got some expectations to re-evaluate.  Until then, I’ll just admire from afar and appreciate all of the hard work some of the guys at my gym are putting in.  Can you work out enough for the both of us? 

Dreaming of Morris Chestnut abs and Dean Cain arms,

Jo’van

October 22, 2008
Categories: Eye of the Beholder (Self-Image), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

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