Family Values: I Love THE 90’s – Family Edition

Not an exact fit but it’s still a good song.  Adele recently had throat surgery.  Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Adele “Hometown Glory”

For some reason, I started thinking about the terrible 90’s movie “Made in America”. If you’re not familiar (spoiler alert), sharp-tongued, widowed, black, inner city bookstore owner (Whoopi Goldberg) finds out (through blood-typing in public high schools, really?) the sperm donor father of her teenage daughter (Nia Long) is not a random black man but in fact crazy, perpetual bachelor, over-the-top, pickup-truck-on-steroids-driving, crazy tv personality white car salesman (Ted Danson) .  Whoopi and Ted fight and flirt and the start of a blended family emerges in time for Nia’s valedictorian speech.  While rife with cliches and stereotypes, the movie is cute/entertaining enough.  (It’s interesting to note that Goldberg and Danson actually dated in real life. That one still doesn’t make send to me but I digress…)

Yes, the premise of the movie is ridiculous but only somewhat plausible.  In the case of these parents, their relationship began because of a baby they didn’t know they’d conceived together and a clerical error.  Going beyond the ridiculousness, I began to think about the underlying message – No matter what their differences or how they came to be, blended families and inter-racial (or inter-generational, inter-religious, inter-political, mulit-lingual, etc) couples are becoming more common and less offensive to the general public.  (I’d argue that the two are not one in the same.)

My family is a perfect example. I have 10 people in my immediate family.  No, my parents were not rabbits.  They were “progressive”.  While there are key differences that are missing, my immediate family is definitely the most “blended” of anyone I’ve actually met.  When explaining my family to the newbie who has no idea what they’re getting themselves into, I start by saying we are THE 90’s family.  (Sometimes I wish could whip out a diagram with VH-1 graphics.)  Most of the wonderful and terrible things that were said to happen the family structure in the 70’s and 80’s happened to my family. (Cue the curtain…)

In the beginning, there were three traditional couples married with children, same religions, same races.  For various reasons, divorce entered the discussion and then there were six divorcees sharing five kids.  Everyone married again and had more kids. The end. Kind of…

I am an only child of a black couple that once was.  I have four parents, six siblings, one brother-in-law and a niece.  We are black, white, bi-racial, multi-racial, mixed, college students, struggling twenty-somethings, parents in their 30’s, methodist, baptist, catholic, mormon, vegetarian (not a religion but when your dad’s a hunter with mounted deer heads and fish, it’s enough), reformed screw-ups, goodie-twoshoes, musically inclined, athletically blessed, step, half, whole, born into, invited to join and somewhere in-between.  (As individuals, we are much more but who’s got time for all of that?) Half of the kids have two “homes”, while the other half may wish they had more than one. Some of us switched households for holidays and school breaks, while the others lost or gained siblings throughout the year. Sounds like fun, right? And for the most part it is.  Budgeting Christmas presents and negotiating holiday schedules are the only times it truly sucks.

Let me point something out again: I am an only child with six siblings.  In less than three year’s time, I went from the spoiled only child of divorced parents to the middle child of two households.  Seriously, only to the middle! That’s any only child’s nightmare.  Ok, enough of that…

There are several blog posts to be written about what it means to play any of those roles, especially the roles I fill. But for now, I’ll just end with one thought – Most families are like vanilla ice cream in a cake cone and that’s lovely.  But we opted for the twist in a sugar cone, a bit more complicated but delicious just the same. I love the 90’s!

Thanksgiving in Phoenix and a Nashville Christmas? Sounds about right.
Jo’van

November 13, 2011
Categories: Family Values (The Ones You Don't Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Project or Prospect

I’m not sure if this is something unique to women (somehow I feel it just takes another form for the men)… But when a girlfriend enters a new relationship, beyond the “what’s he look like”s and “how’s he treat you”s, you start to discuss the possible/probable cons. It’s kind of like a job interview, when you’re asked to describe your weaknesses. Every employer/girlfriend, expects you to turn a fault into a virtue with your best attempted pr finesse.  (If PR 101 hadn’t been at 8am freshman year, you might’ve learned more.)  But unlike a job interview, most of the responses you give a girlfriend are things that YOU want to/think you can help him change.

I don’t have any friends bold enough to flat-out ask the question, so we all beat around the bush.  “Oh so, he’s a little chubby? That’s ok. He’ll keep you warmer in the winter. But do you think could you work out together?” “Kind of a slob? Bachelors’ apartments are always disgusting. Think you can help break that habit?” “Fart jokes and prized belches?… How old is he again? Is there hope beyond that?” We never ask the real questions.  “Are you going to be able and happy to accept him for who/what he is right now? Or just what you hope you can turn him into?” In other words, “Is he a project or a prospect?”

Now the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. A project may warrant the effort because you’re hoping for an eventual prospect but “eventual” is the key word.  Through movies, tv, books and magazines, women are taught we are responsible for “molding” our men. And not to sound sexist, but that is partially true. However, not for the reasons we’re taught to think it is.

No one is perfect (or perfect for you, if you prefer the distinction). In every relationship, friendship, work situation and prolonged interaction, we grow.  I learn more about myself in my interactions with other people than I do in simple self-reflection. Thinking you’ll do (or not do) something is entirely different than being faced with the actual situation.

In some cases, you change or “adapt”just to survive. Hard ass boss – you learn not to wear your emotions on your sleeve at the office.Disrespectful roommate – That little extra rent may be worth it after all. Nosy church people – your relationship with God is exactly that – YOURS.

In other cases, your change is due to previously unconsidered considerations. (Yes, I know that’s wrong and I don’t care.  🙂 ) If a friend’s father has passed away, you reconsider the regular complaints you make about yours.  If a boyfriend doesn’t curse or drink, you may reconsider your bad habits/indulgences. If you feel you’re being passed up for opportunities at work for people with more positive attitudes or better presentations of themselves, you may be honest enough with yourself to realize there’s more too it than just getting the job done.

Whatever the reason, we change to better suit our situations… Or we just change situations.  The belief that women mold their boyfriends/husbands is true.  But both parties are molded.  The molding is not a skill one person possess but the willingness of one person to make the other person happy.  Any relationship worth keeping requires give and take.

Women typically see themselves as being molded less than their male counterparts because for the most part we’ve been molded our entire lives.  Yes, I know I may be exposing myself to a feminist firing squad but I’ll stand by my claim nonetheless.  We women have been “encouraged” since birth to move toward the nurturer, mother, wife, peacekeeper.  Of course those roles don’t work for everyone, but many men and women still believe women are/should be the calmer, organized, stable, considerate, “fairer” sex.  Regardless if you agree or not, it’s a general assumption. Family is the ultimate goal, if not the defining factor of your life.

Men, on the other hand, are encouraged to be the provider and protector.  However, until there is a family to actually provide for and protect, they are encouraged to “sow their oats” and enjoy their youth.  Dare devil sports, motorcycles or crazy cars, drinking heavy, clubs, multiple girlfriends at once, video games, tailgates, vacations, etc.  Men are taught to “do it while you can.”. Family may be great and the ultimate goal but it will still rob you of a bit of yourself.

When a couple begins, they independently decide what their ultimate goal will be. If it’s temporary (usually because they’ve already determined it’d be too much work to be happy), the amount of work will be minimal. Have fun until it’s not fun anymore. Pretty simple.  However, if there’s potential of “something else” (whatever that means to you), then the investments are made.  Unfortunately, those investments can often come in the form of complaints ( or just requests if you’re skilled at not sounding like you’re nagging) and concessions.  With every statement, you decide who cares more about that particular issue and if the benefits outweigh the costs of giving in.  Relationships are very transactional.  We just don’t ever consider them that way.  For some reason, a balance sheet isn’t considered romantic. Go figure…

Prospects are really projects but projects usually aren’t really prospects.  Project – He’d be great if…  Prospect – She’s great even though…  There will always be buts…  The oldest, happiest couples tell you they learn more about each other everyday.  No one person stays the same.  Life simply doesn’t allow it. Therefore, no relationship can stay the same.  But if you go in ready to “fix” someone to what you want,  failure is probable because you didn’t really want that person to begin with.  That’s not to say you can’t see potential in a person but you also can’t fully define what the embodiment of that potential should look like.

Love can’t be forced and neither can personality changes.  The most meaningful, long-lasting changes are choices.  Choosing to love means choosing to change. You just have to make sure the changes you make or desire don’t lead to bitterness or a feeling of loss of self.  Couples may work as units but they are still comprised of two independent thinking, independent feeling people.  The view of a healthy, working unit is thanks to constant consideration of how the other person may feel about a situation.  He and I.  She and I. Always.  That type of consideration doesn’t come form a successful project.  Just ask Kim Kardashian. (Too soon?)

Wondering if she’s a project herself,

Jo’van

Sorry the post was so long.  It’s been too long since I’ve posted and I just got a little excited…

November 9, 2011
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

The World…As I See It: Avoiding Disappointment

More melodramatic than my sentiment.  But then again isn’t that a requirement for most songs?

Vintage Brandy “Almost Doesn’t Count [Live]”

I am always concerned about the way people perceive me.  I know it’s cliché and I should have more confidence in myself, blah, blah, blah.  But it’s true and I doubt it’s something that’s going to ever completely go away.  Rather than feel foolish about it, I just have to accept and recognize when it’s creating a ridiculous reaction/response.

Amongst other things, I have a problem dealing with disappointment.  If/when a friend, family member or significant other lets me down, I take it hard.  My heart sinks, lungs get heavy and in extreme cases if I’ve had enough time to think about it and be offended, I get a not-so-slight burning sensation in my chest.  (I’m expecting an ulcer by 28.  It’s truly unfortunate…)  However, the physical is nothing in comparison to the mental and emotional.  I can really take it personally.

If the situation/result is out of their control, I realize I have to choke back whatever my initial response is and be a grown-up about it.  Shit happens.  There’s not a person (currently) in my life that has the power to really hurt my feelings that I believe would do it intentionally.  Most people have nothing but the best of intentions for the people they care about.  I have to find comfort in that (at least…).

However, if the situation/result is completely within their control and they just made a decision, that’s a whole different story.  While in the end I still have to suck it up and move on,  choosing to change plans or not follow through with something you’d said makes a big difference to me.  Running the risk of abusing the cliché, I have little patience for flakes.

Flakes are everywhere, nearly impossible to avoid.  I just rarely choose to intimately associate with them.  Therefore, I’m rarely affected by the things they fail to do.  However, when someone I care about and trust lets me down, it takes everything within me to….let them know.

Not the general response, I know.  Despite the intense personal reaction, it’s very difficult for me to unhappily express myself to those I care about.  I’m often afraid to react verbally because I don’t want my message or true feelings to be lost in the emotional display.  So rather than be fair to the person I’m mounting a mental attack against (or to myself), I swallow it and try to minimize the situation.  “Sure, no problem.  Things happen.  I’ll figure something else out.  Have fun.  I don’t mind.  Etc.”

Now I’m not the big punk I’m making myself out to be.  It’s not that I don’t want to express myself or feel that my feelings are in some way invalid.  It’s just that I want to do it as calmly and honestly as possible.  Finding that balance generally means I have to take a step back.  Despite my typicaly composed, some would say even “professional”, nature, there is always something going on behind scenes.  And I know that when I start it can be difficult to stop.  I just want to make sure that what I say is what I really mean, what’s appropriate for that particular situation.

However that desire to take a step back can often hurt more than it helps.  By the time I’ve thought things over and calmed down, it may seem as if the moment has passed.  What’s worse: overreacting at the moment or bringing up old things the other person thought had been resolved (if they were even aware there was a problem in the first place)?

Not everything’s going to go my way.  But when something happens that leaves me sad, hurt, disappointed or offended, it’s probably not best to cover it up with a half-hearted PR smile and polite responses that completely betray my true feelings.  It’s not all that realistic to believe those feelings will just poof go away.  I may be able to bury them and move forward but there’s only so much one person can bury.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll reach a boiling point and erupt.  The cause of that eventual eruption is usually minor, making me look even more the overreacting drama queen I’d worked so hard to avoid.

Before you go off the deep end, it’s probably best to really evaluate the situation.  What are you upset about and how upset are you?  Had you really been looking forward to something or made some plans that are now null and void because of something someone else did?  Did that person understand what this meant to you?  True surprises aside, it’s often easy for someone to dismiss something you didn’t seem to really care about.  There can be a fine line between complaining and explaining.  But if you’re genuinely upset, I think it’s okay to risk it.  Avoiding the conversation doesn’t give you the power to avoid disappointment.  If nothing else, it just forces you to avoid a resolution.  Sometimes some things cannot be fixed.  But a sincere “I’m sorry” can go a long way.

Regardless of the reason/cause, it’s best for the ones you love to know something they’ve done has hurt you.  If nothing else it’s a reminder that even the perpetually calm have feelings.  Perceived indifference and lack of emotion (good or bad) comes off cold.  If you’re hurting, the last thing you want is someone thinking you don’t care (or, worse, you couldn’t…).

It’s not fair to anyone to feel the need to judge their own, honest feelings for or about the people they want in their lives.  And it’s not fair to the people you supposedly care about and trust to hide your true feelings.  Relationships need to be uncomfortable at times.  If they’re not, someone’s not being honest.  It’s impossible to avoid disappointment.  The best we can all do is pick our battles and not punk out for the sake of perception.

Hoping to count to 3 and respond, rather than 3 million and blow up,

Jo’van

January 7, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

The World…As I See It: 1.1.11 Follow the Trend

9-year-old Ice Skating to “Whip My Hair” By Willow Smith.  Between the skater being adorable, the song being a late 2010 hit, it being one of the big songs during the bar New Year’s celebrations and the fact that it’s supposed to be about being comforatble with yourself, I couldn’t resist.


Another year has passed.  The good, the bad and the ugly have all happened.  But in the end (as always), I emerged victorious.  I’ve loved.  Hated.  Feared.  Cheered.  Been praised and berated. Questioned my worth and counted my blessings.  2010 was a good year.  Now enter 2011.

I wish I could be more philosophical.  But I’m momentarily at a loss.  I currently have almost everything I’ve ever wanted.  (If I don’t have it, I’m on track to…)  All things considered, there are six crucial components of my life.  With each, there’s some definite work to be done but things are promising:

1.) Family:  I jokingly complain about my large, very 90s family, especially around Christmas.  Having ten people in your immediate family is no Christmas shopping joke.  But I’m blessed to have all four of my parents and six of my siblings (and now my brother-in-law and niece, not to mention the grandmas…).  We all look, sound, think and feel differently but there’s a spoken (and unspoken) bond: love.  Over the years, I’ve learned to live only in my current “life”, allowing all other things from former or “other” lives to slip into the subconscious.  I believe that probably came from toggling between homes, parents, siblings, bedrooms, parts of the country.  However, it just takes that one trip home to remind me how unnecessary that coping mechanism is at this point in my life.  As with every year, in 2011, I resolve to stay in better contact with the people who have to love me.  For whatever awkwardness I ever felt about randomly reaching out, I can now cope out with Facebook.  It’s better than nothing…

2.) Friends: Simply put I have wonderful friends.  And as much as I may not like to admit and/or adapt to it, relationships change.  The people I’ve grown to love and trust, I’ll always love and trust but we’re not always going to mean the same things to each other.  Rather than fight that reality, I’m learning to be thankful for what I had and who I shared it with.  When you stop working with someone or living with someone or regularly hanging out with someone, it can be difficult to “stay in touch”.  I’ve always done what was easy.  The people (emotionally) closest to me were often the people (physically) closest to me.  As with my family, if I truly value the relationship, I have to 1.) accept things will change and 2.) not allow something to die just because it’s no longer convenient.  In 2011, I resolve to be a good friend instead of sometimes just an easy one.

3.) Love: Most years, I don’t even mention this one.  I’ve always wanted to be in a good relationship.  But my track record was less than promising.  I accepted if/when something was meant to happen, it would simply happen.  I stopped hoping for it and, to be completely honest, being entirely open to it.   My 2 1/2 break from everything was no joke.  However, I can happily (and confidently) say, despite my best efforts, I’m in a good relationship now.  I am with someone I respect, admire, am attracted to, amused by, comforted by, and am proud to be with.  Even better, I believe he feels the same way about me.  A healthy, honest boyfriend/girlfriend, meet your family and friends, entertain the word “we” relationship.  A novel idea, I know.  In 2011, I resolve to not sabotaging “us”.

4.) Career: 2009 forced major changes in my career path.  From agency PR to unemployment to economic development in the last few months of the year.  2010 found me really understanding what that industry and my position meant.  As with any job, not everything was perfect.  But it was educational.  I feel better informed and, more importantly, more confident in my skills, both technical and interpersonal.  In 2011, I resolve to continue to move forward, whatever direction that might be.

5.) Faith: This one’s touchy for me.  Growing up a “preacher’s daughter”, church was a big part of my life.  The rules, the services, the songs, the process.  But my personal faith has always been something tied to struggles.  When things are well, I thank God out of obligation.  But I can’t say that we really talk. When things are bad, I can’t stop talking.  I know our relationship needs some work.  As much as I’d like to argue that relationship could be repaired anywhere, I think I need the either the structure or the comfort of a church family.  In 2011, I resolve to find my church home in Austin.

6.) Happiness: While the prior five components play a large part in defining my happiness, one big factor is simply being open to allowing it.  For whatever reason(s), I’ve sought to prevent my own happiness.  I don’t know if I didn’t feel I deserved or had earned it or if I was too pessimistic to trust it but I’ve been able to prevent a consistent, natural happiness with my own life.  Momentary happiness is impossible to avoid.  But that lasting, confident, easy contentment has often evaded me.  People will always be smarter, richer, prettier, “luckier”, whatever other -er you want than me.  But happier is all on me.  I have family, friends, career, faith, health and an open future.  Last year, I resolved to be happy.  While I wasn’t perfect, I think I did pretty well.  So in 2011, I resolve to be happy.  Hopefully, I can follow my own trend.

Happy New Year,

Jo’van

January 1, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World…As I See It: Striving to be an Expert at Something

Not a “good” song but the first one that came to mind…

When I Grow Up – Pussycat Dolls

When we were all in primary school, family, teachers and friends constantly asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”.  If you were anything like me, the answer to that question changed quite drastically, quite often.  (That is if you had an answer at all…)

At my kindergarten graduation, I proudly, and much to the surprise of my mother, announced that unlike my female classmates who wanted to be doctors or ballerinas, I wanted to be a policewoman (emphasis on the woman).  By elementary school I’d moved on to a more traditional veterinarian, only to develop an allergy to cats.  During middle school, I wanted to be a pop singer.  In junior high, a criminologist.  And by college, I happily followed the degree track for public relations.

At those times in my life, my goals and decisions were based solely on perception.  I have no idea where the policewoman came from but for everything else, those careers seemed cool and were (somewhat) related to my interests.  I loved dogs so obviously I was supposed to become a vet.  Music has been a long time passion of mine and I have a pretty good singing voice (patting myself on the back) so a pop singer it was.

Due to my analytical and potentially scientific mind and far too many episodes of Law and Order and CSI, a criminologist sounded pretty cool.  The idea of being a (functional) part of the justice system and proving people wrong without having to carry a gun or put myself in any real danger sounded like a great idea to me.

Our senior year high school counselor for whatever reason suggested I consider public relations.  I understood little more than the concept of a publicist but with a little research, PR sounded like a good fit.  I studied it for four years, learned just how relative it was, felt confident I had the necessary skill sets and GOT A JOB a month after I graduated!!!  Three years of loyal service was simply not enough to keep me employed during the “Great Recession.”  Working in a non-essential industry when your clients are facing financial and employee losses is not a good place to be… LAID OFF!

A couple of months later, I was fortunate enough to land a position in economic development for a prosperous city.  And there I am.  Very interesting, right?  Ok, probably not so much but my point is I have no better idea what I want to be when I grow up now than I did in kindergarten.  The only thing that’s really changed is having a better idea of what I DON’T want to be.

I’ve worked in areas that I was “good at” but that I didn’t find all that interesting.  In other words, I could do it but didn’t really want to.  The idea of becoming an “expert” in those areas sounded like a chore, rather than a goal.  A possibility, not a passion.

This concept of becoming an expert in my job is neither to my credit nor discredit.  It’s a part of my current boss’s mantra.  She wants her staff to be more than just “good” at what we do.  She wants us to strive to be and to also be considered by other people experts in our areas.  For the sake of her/our business, that goal makes complete sense.  In an industry/job equally influenced by skill AND perception, we need to be experts on the topic or at least on the experts.  The concept being sound there are still two very important questions to ask: 1.) Can YOU become an expert in your area? and 2.) Do you WANT to?  It’s okay if you can’t say immediately say yes to either but you should be working your way toward a definitive answer.

I have a strong feeling I’m not in my final career path.  Who knows where life experiences, tv shows, personal suggestions and random encounters will take me?  All I can hope is they’ll all lead me to a place I love and want to be.  I hope to be able to do more than sufficiently answer the question.  I hope to be able to find ways to get you to ask the question just so I can answer it with more information than you knew you wanted.  🙂  To be a fountain of knowledge, however useless it might be.  I’ve started that collection of random information in relation to contemporary music.  But maybe I should work on identifying a more “realistic” or at least useful subject.  I need another passion.

Two questions for you: What are you an “expert” in and is that in any way related to your current occupation?

Jo’van

December 27, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 3 Comments

The World…As I See It: (What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You) Stronger…Or Jaded

For Suave.  He requested a blog and so I wrote. 🙂

A song that actually has something to do with my post.  It’s been a while.  Aerosmith’s “Jaded”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…or jaded.”

Jokingly a friend said that a few months ago about an expected ending to an unfortunate romantic endeavour.  While we both laughed about it, saying it out loud (or typing it as it was actually over Facebook chat) made both of us pause.  (Thanks, Lesbro.)  Sure getting hurt makes you more adept to recognizing the warning signs and being able to deal with something similar in the future (…stronger).  BUT it’s rarely a happily learnt lesson (…jaded).

Where does the old adage originate?  Was it someone trying to make another person feel better about a crappy situation?  Or worse, trying to make themselves feel better?  I also wonder what it pertained to.  Was it romantic escapades, business ventures or family drama?  And how close to killing you must something get to qualify?

Similar adages “trial by fire”, “learn from experience”,”don’t knock it ’til you try it” all teach us the same thing: to know and truly learn something (good or bad) you have to live it.  Sure, sure, I get it.  I can’t understand what it feels like to fall in love, fly thru the clouds or burn my finger on the stove until I’ve done it.  But why should we always feel the need to try everything ourselves?  In many cases, I prefer to learn from other people’s mistakes.

Having the door shut my in face both literally and metaphorically, both romantically and professionally, hurt.  There’s no better way to describe it.  Both affected my self-image and self-evaluation.  Both made me question what I was “worth”.  While these questions were temporary (because obviously I’m amazing), a hit to your psyche on that level can have lasting effects.  My skin got thicker and my drive to succeed and/or be happy strengthened.

But just because those experiences didn’t kill me, the learned life lessons were not always positive.  I may be stronger but I am also jaded.   The blinders are off and the guards are up.  Having had a boss who blamed her staff for her mistakes, I’ve learned to consider how my ass would be covered before I speak (or type) a word.  Having dated a man who tore me down to build himself up, I’ve learned to be constantly defensive and wary of any compliments.  Being shocked and disappointed by people I love and respect, I’m increasingly mistrusting of new “heroes”.  You get the point.

Being jaded is not intrinsically a bad thing.  Jaded equals smarter, protected and careful.  But jaded also equals mistrusting, skeptical, and in many cases, solitary.  The minimal trials and tribulations in my extremely privileged 26 years of life certainly haven’t come anywhere close to killing me.  But they have changed me, some for the better, some for the worse.  Do we generally ignore the latter for the sake of a saying?  Or to avoid having to say anything else about it at all?

I also wonder about the flip side.  Are there experiences that if they don’t last forever are good just to have had?  Is “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” the counterpart to “what doesn’t kill you”?  Why can’t we all just find comfort in knowing “this too shall pass” and be thankful we’ve experienced enough happiness to remind ourselves it’s possible and to remain open to it?  Maybe we already do and I just wanted to share my friend’s clever, yet poignant, remark…

Considering making jade my new stone of choice,

Jo’van

November 16, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

The World…As I See It: Diversity of Dedications

Thank you, Youtube, for this utter rhyming dictionary randomness.  This is so unrelated but I wanted to share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ve8pt1bkwQ&feature=related

Recently a friend told me I had so/too many interests.  Due to my quite possible undiagnosed ADD, I don’t function well unless there are several things going on.  I need multiple projects at work, a handful of songs or poems in development, at least two books partially read on my nightstand, 500 albums on my iPod and a magazine to scan while I’m watching television.  Ok, so maybe the last one’s an exaggeration (Nothing can distract me from Law & Order: SVU), but the rest holds true.

Bored is a strong and potentially offensive word, but I get distracted easily.  There are so many random things that catch my interest and hold it for a little while.  Rather than work solely on one thing that may blow up in my face, listen to one album to the point of hating every single note or missing out on things of interest because my core of friends isn’t interested, I do my best to do it all.

I think doing it all, or at least trying it all, is great.  If something sounds interesting, try it.  As long as there aren’t potential negative lasting effects and it’s legal, I say go for it.  Hate it?  Never do it again.  Love it? Rave about it and recruit new participants for the next time.

So many of us are worried about getting out of our comfort zone that we avoid even the remotely foreign.  I am an uptight, well-spoken professional who loves Josh Groban and wineries who also sings in an r&b band, has two tattoos and wants a red Harley.  Rather than fit a ‘mold’, I’ve decided to just do what I want.

My diversity of dedications has introduced me to wide range of people and things.  I essentially have different groups of friends for different activities.  Rather than feel a need to succumb to the crowd in every situation, I find a new crowd headed in the direction I want to go for the moment.  This is not to say that I have bad or boring friends.  It’s just that not everyone likes the same things.  And until I find a group of people that like all of the same music, movies, food and activities, I do, I’ll count my blessings for being able to switch (always eventually coming back to the core).

This attitude of do and try it all comes with its drawbacks.  Sometimes you agree or sign up for too much because it’s either hard for you to keep track of everything else you’ve agreed to do or have a problem saying no because the person asking doesn’t understand everything else on your self-serve plate.  Sometimes because I tried this I also feel the need to try that, just to be fair.  But as long as I can time manage and afford to do all of the things I’m trying, I think I’m golden.

I’m either hopelessly lost or perfectly imbalanced.  But either way, I enjoy my diversity of dedications: work, music, people, food, a crazy cockapoo, tattoos, shoes, clothes, books, and the list goes on and on.

Enjoying the randomness,

Jo’van

October 21, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 3 Comments

Eye of the Beholder: The Inconvenience of Vanity

This song is so ridiculous I couldn’t resist.  Christina Aguilera’s “Vanity” (featuring images of the Evil Queen from Sleeping Beauty)

I’ve been thinking about the concept of vanity a lot lately.  It’s a term that usually takes a negative connotation but for me it all depends on your point.  We are all vain.  Some people more so than others but we are all vain.

We care about how we look and hope to be considered attractive.  You can go as far as plastic surgery or just spend an extra little money on that hair gel that “really” works for “your” hair.  (Unless you’re like Suave or my brother, and then you may pay a little extra for the best shave gel or blades to keep your head “smooth.”)  I know that I feel better when my hair is permed, eyebrows arched, toenails painted, legs shaved, clothes fitted, shoes unscuffed, jewelry matching, perfume on, etc.  I spend a lot of time (and money) on maintaining what I have or distracting from what I don’t.  Nice butt? Pencil skirts.  Long legs? Slim pants.  Small chest? Ruffles.  No upper lip? Play up the eyes.

Now do I work that hard every day? No, I don’t have enough energy for all of that.  Although I value being well put together, I do my best to just look put together, not obviously spending 45 minutes on my hair, 30 minutes on my makeup and an hour assembling that ensemble.  (Hint: It helps when your entire wardrobe is black, white and grey. J )  Regardless, I get upset or feel bad when I look in a mirror and my hair’s doing something crazy, my mascara has smeared or I get a run in my stockings.  And if it’s not something easily fixable, it can bug me for hours.

But if it’s just caring about how you look why consider it vanity rather than just looking good?  Because my mascara is just as unnecessary as a nose job.  It simply costs less and doesn’t involve cutting and therefore is more “normal.”  If I can’t be happy with the way I look clean faced and in sweatpants (or god forbid naked), everything I do to look better after that is due to vanity.  I go to the gym to look good in my existing clothes, not for my health.  Therefore it’s vanity.  The things I do to my hair are not good for it but I’ve convinced myself harsh chemicals and prolonged heat make me pretty. Vanity.  Acne is not unhealthy but it sure is unattractive, so two face washes (one for deep cleaning and the other exfoliation, haha) and two acne products later, I’m closer to clear.  Vanity.  Showering should be sufficient but perfume lingers (in a good way).  Obviously my eyelids are not a dusty lavender with dark brown shading but it matches my outfit. Crooked teeth don’t affect my well-being, just my self-esteem.  So thousands of dollars and years in braces later, I can confidently smile. Vanity.

My point: vanity is normal.  And although we all get annoyed at the people who constantly strive to prove how attractive they are or drive us crazy with their complaints of a lack of beauty, we’re all there is some way.  When we step out of the shower, into our closet, in front of a mirror, out of the salon/barbershop, into of the tanning booth, out of the gym, or into a dressing room.  So when I get annoyed at those that go overboard, I have to remember it’s not hard for someone to  tear apart my regiments.

I admit and embrace my vanity.  How about you?

Jo’van

October 19, 2010
Categories: Eye of the Beholder (Self-Image), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Quarterlife Crisis: Making Happiness a Choice

The inspiration for this song may be a little different but in the end, Luther and I are saying the same thing.  Make the most of your current situation.  Luther Vandross “Love the One You’re With”

Recently I’ve been mulling over the idea of making happiness a choice.  People regularly seem to make conscious decisions to be unhappy, to focus on only the negative, to point out the faults of all those around them.  Is it possible to do the opposite?  Can you choose to be happy?

I’m not asking if we should choose to be delusional.  If something is wrong in your life, it’s simply wrong.  But following excellent grandma advice, why don’t more people spend time counting their blessings than listing their hardships?  If I counted my blessings instead of sheep to go to sleep, I’d always get to sleep.  They’re somewhat endless if I’m being honest and not selfish.

It seems for many people (myself often included) identifying your issues with a situation is always easier than finding comfort in what’s right.  Although this could apply to any possible life situation, as evident by the responses to a recent Facebook post along the same lines, it’s easy to equate this with romantic situations/relationships.  And why not?  People have a tendency to “settle” in romantic relationships probably more than any other situation.  Family: Well, you’re born with them.  Friends: You chose them and losing them is sad but maybe not the worse thing ever.  Work: Most people would enjoy doing something else but you’re getting a paycheck so… But boyfriends/girlfriends: You’re investing time and it can be difficult to admit that was a poor investment.  I’ve done it.  I’ve settled in the past for the chance at a fulfilling relationship only to be filled full of anger, hurt or absolute indifference.  Luckily, I’m not currently in a situation like that.  🙂  But I can understand the jumping to conclusions, people.

Anyway….My point is regardless of the type of situation you find yourself in can you choose to be happy?  To make the most of it and roll with the punches?  What does being miserable at work do for you?  Either look for another position or suck it up.  Bosses aren’t always going to see your potential or value your opinion and co-workers are not always going to work as hard as you do.  If you’re currently having a “thing” with a friend or family member, do you love that person enough to just squash it?  Sure, it may be something that needs to be dealt with so it’s not repeated but rather than fight to win, can you just fight to move on?  It’s exceptionally hard to pay your bills right now.  Is stressing about it going to help in any way?  Can you just be thankful that it’s “barely” instead of “impossible”?  You’ve gained weight or are losing your hair.  Sure, we’d all like to look or best but do you really look “bad” or just not your ideal? I’m sure you get my point.

Pessimism is part of my “thing”.  I’m a smart-ass who doesn’t let things slide and revels in tearing things apart.  However, that personality type is often very unhappy as well.  Sure, my reaction can cause a few laughs for others but it’s usually at the expense of someone/something else.  By making a conscious choice to be happy, I’m also having to make a conscious choice to be less judgmental.  I think that’s going to be hard….

Not miserable therefore very happy,

Jo’van

October 17, 2010
Categories: Quarterlife Crisis, Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

The World…As I See It: Alas, An Idol I Am Not

Enjoy the musical stylings of someone I just saw in concert but doubt would be chosen by American Idol either.  (Not that I’m comparing, just saying)

Corinne Bailey Rae “Closer”

This week I auditioned for Season 10 of American Idol.  (I couldn’t believe it’d been 10 years.  I must confess I can only remember 7 of the 9.  Is that bad? Oh well…)  The process is simple (an initial cattle call with the producers) and very early( I had to be in line by 5 am.  I only see that type of morning by accident).  Anyway, after waiting for 7 hours, I was told I would not be the next American Idol.  There was the initial pang of disappointment but then I picked up my purse and started to move on (figuratively and literally, it was a cattle call after all).

Being told you’re not good enough should have more of an impact if you really wanted something, right?  Sure, being a part of American Idol would’ve been a dream come true but for some reason I wasn’t all that surprised and therefore not all that disappointed.  I hadn’t really been able to envision myself in Hollywood, meeting Ryan Seacrest and trying to make teenagers and middle-aged moms simultaneously fall in love with me enough to text in votes.  It just sounded like something I needed to do.

(Plus, I may have just set myself up.  I chose to sing “My Funny Valentine.”  It’s a great song but since my valentine this year turned out to be a bust, I may have still had that bad energy around the song…. Just a thought.)

I love music.  Nothing moves me as much as sounds.  Words alone have minimal power.  And while images can be beautiful, nothing can twist or fill my heart as much as a good song.  And I pretty much love it all.  While r&b and jazz are what I listen to the most, I can appreciate a good country, rock or classical song.  I like to mix it up.  Borrow my iPod someday and you’ll understand.  Give me something new to learn about.

However, my love for music never fully translated into loving to be a performer.  I love singing.  I enjoy being on stage and hearing my voice over a PA system.  But that’s never been what I missed.  I’ve missed hearing all of the sounds meld.  I miss performing with a band.  I miss almost getting distracted by the bass line and missing my cues.  I miss forgetting there’s a crowd or audience and vibing with the other people on stage whether it was with a viola in my hand in orchestra, donning a robe in choir or 4 inch heels at a club with a band.

I also love writing.  It’s not necessarily the process that I love because I don’t really have a process.  Some songs start and never get finished while others are completed in two hours.  However, I think it’s cool to hear other people sing what you wrote.  They can styilze it as much as they want but in the end the song is mine, my words.  That’s kind of a cool feeling, I must admit.

And I’m also good.  I know we’re all supposed to be somewhat humble but I’ll accept that amongst other things, singing is a talent I possess, a talent I was given.  Unfortunately, I never felt pushed enough to really hone my skill.  Instead, I relied upon what came naturally and easily.  If I can be good without practicing, who needs to be amazing?  That kind of attitude probably has something to do with not being chosen.  But I don’t care how amazing you are, it’s hard to display that in 5-7 seconds.  I need to warm up.  🙂

Regardless, music is a part of me but being famous may not be in the stars.  And that’s just fine.  Despite having a certain level of talent, I never really had the desire.  Fame is great and I’m not knocking it.  If I had the opportunity, I’m sure I’d jump.  But while it’s not a reality and I can be happy that my career does not depend as heavily on what I can do as what I look like.  Hair, make-up, personal trainers and plastic surgery do not help me do my job.  I think that’s often more important than the talent in music nowadays.  I accept that American Idol is not meant for me.  But at least I tried, I can’t complain if I don’t try, right?

Plus, I refuse to believe I wasn’t good enough.  I just wasn’t what they were looking for.  That has to be closer to the truth.  Haha.

On to the next adventure,

Jo’van

August 14, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

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