Romantic Cynic: Laundry, Love and Wifely Duties

A couple of months ago, I celebrated 3 years with my boyfriend! (Shock and applause) Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs but if our biggest issues are dirty socks on the floor and not making the bed, I’d say we’re doing pretty well. From the noted issues, you can probably surmise that we’re living together. Cohabitating!!! (Still a scary thought…)

I know people have very mixed feelings about living together before marriage. If you’re against it, I’d never argue the issue with you. To each his/her own. Just a few thoughts:

  • Living in Sin – Sure, maybe. But is sinning and splitting the rent any worse than sinning and driving home a little later?
  • Waiting for Marriage – Not every couple is looking (or should be looking) to get married. I found a button a few years ago that still makes me chuckle. It reads ‘It’s not premarital sex if I’m not planning to get married.”

But I digress…How my boyfriend and I came to cohabit followed a series of events including floods, roommates deciding to cohabit with significant others, motorcycle accidents, friends possibly moving into town, and cat allergies. But ultimately, we simply decided the benefits outweighed the potential risks. After two years, all is well…

The free and generally unwarranted advice giver in me, Mama Jov’an if you will, would never suggest moving in with someone so early, Sure, some people know after 6 months (or weeks!) that this is the person they want to marry, but for us, moving in together after just a year was not in either of our “plans”. Life happened and we adjusted accordingly. My plan didn’t include sharing a living room until an engagement ring was on my finger. Oh well…

As this was the first time I’d lived with a boyfriend, some of the necessary adjustments seemed like huge inconveniences. What do you mean you don’t over analyze EVERYTHING the way I do? We’ve had “conversations” about everything from laundry not in the hamper, dishes not in the dishwasher, toilet seats not being down, egg shells, type(s) of milk, shoes not put away and on and on. As you can possibly imagine, these “conversations” are actually hints/complaints. I wouldn’t say I care more than he does. I just care about more things than he does. (Did you like how I did that?…)

To give him his due credit, my boyfriend is awesome and has made more adjustments for me than I could probably name off (although I’m sure he’d have no problem listing them). He has been very respectful of my particularities (rather than peculiarities). There may be many more things I like to add to the list of things “we” have to work on to live in perfect harmony but he’s been a trooper. And we’ll both continue learning how to adapt to each other and sharing our space. I, of course, was already perfect so….

As we expected, our parental units were/are not too keen on our current life style choice. My mother gave us an oh-so-subtle deadline for engagement (that we’ve already passed…). His father has applied similar pressures. His grandmother has no words and mine have no knowledge. The only parent who didn’t seem too upset was my stepmother.  She just asked how it was going. However, my favorite response so far has been my dad’s.

After recovering from the shock of learning we were living together, my dad proceeded to tell me how he’d really liked girlfriends but never enough to sacrifice his freedom. He informed me my boyfriend’s friends would expect to visit and stay (not understanding that had happened before he officially lived with me and my bathroom had been destroyed). There was some more uncomfortable fatherly blustering before the crown jewel was delivered. My dad warned me not to “assume wifely duties”.

It took everything in me not to laugh at that moment. It was really funny but I was trying to be sensitive to his current state of mind. While I was SO curious what exactly he meant by “wifely duties”, I decided to let it go and have chosen to assume he meant things like doing my boyfriend’s laundry and all of the cooking and cleaning. I understand and respect my dad’s concerns. He’s probably worrying about milks before cows… And while I wasn’t at the time we moved in together, I will be ready for marriage one day and will want more or to get out. However, I’m okay with a trial run.

And that’s what this really is – a trial run. We’re learning if we can live together.  If we really struggle, we wouldn’t expect things to get magically better by introducing rings and a stressful, expensive ceremony. And if we’re living together, it’s natural (and healthy) to assume we’re grocery shopping together, cooking together, sharing a closet and hamper and doing laundry together. It’s all a give and take. Some things are either more important or more interesting to one of us than the other. (Because I read clothing labels and he doesn’t) I’d rather do the laundry. As I know nothing about my car, he’d rather fix a headlight. I like trying out new recipes and don’t mind cooking for both of us (although to be fair, he cooks a lot and helps me). And he’s willing to walk my cockapoo when I’m running late. He’s also sweet enough to put the seat back down. Swoon

Dirty socks and dog poop are the less exciting parts of living together. But we’re happy to help each other and are well on our way to figuring out how to do this.

Waiting for the dryer to finish,

Jo’van

August 16, 2013
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Project or Prospect

I’m not sure if this is something unique to women (somehow I feel it just takes another form for the men)… But when a girlfriend enters a new relationship, beyond the “what’s he look like”s and “how’s he treat you”s, you start to discuss the possible/probable cons. It’s kind of like a job interview, when you’re asked to describe your weaknesses. Every employer/girlfriend, expects you to turn a fault into a virtue with your best attempted pr finesse.  (If PR 101 hadn’t been at 8am freshman year, you might’ve learned more.)  But unlike a job interview, most of the responses you give a girlfriend are things that YOU want to/think you can help him change.

I don’t have any friends bold enough to flat-out ask the question, so we all beat around the bush.  “Oh so, he’s a little chubby? That’s ok. He’ll keep you warmer in the winter. But do you think could you work out together?” “Kind of a slob? Bachelors’ apartments are always disgusting. Think you can help break that habit?” “Fart jokes and prized belches?… How old is he again? Is there hope beyond that?” We never ask the real questions.  “Are you going to be able and happy to accept him for who/what he is right now? Or just what you hope you can turn him into?” In other words, “Is he a project or a prospect?”

Now the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. A project may warrant the effort because you’re hoping for an eventual prospect but “eventual” is the key word.  Through movies, tv, books and magazines, women are taught we are responsible for “molding” our men. And not to sound sexist, but that is partially true. However, not for the reasons we’re taught to think it is.

No one is perfect (or perfect for you, if you prefer the distinction). In every relationship, friendship, work situation and prolonged interaction, we grow.  I learn more about myself in my interactions with other people than I do in simple self-reflection. Thinking you’ll do (or not do) something is entirely different than being faced with the actual situation.

In some cases, you change or “adapt”just to survive. Hard ass boss – you learn not to wear your emotions on your sleeve at the office.Disrespectful roommate – That little extra rent may be worth it after all. Nosy church people – your relationship with God is exactly that – YOURS.

In other cases, your change is due to previously unconsidered considerations. (Yes, I know that’s wrong and I don’t care.  🙂 ) If a friend’s father has passed away, you reconsider the regular complaints you make about yours.  If a boyfriend doesn’t curse or drink, you may reconsider your bad habits/indulgences. If you feel you’re being passed up for opportunities at work for people with more positive attitudes or better presentations of themselves, you may be honest enough with yourself to realize there’s more too it than just getting the job done.

Whatever the reason, we change to better suit our situations… Or we just change situations.  The belief that women mold their boyfriends/husbands is true.  But both parties are molded.  The molding is not a skill one person possess but the willingness of one person to make the other person happy.  Any relationship worth keeping requires give and take.

Women typically see themselves as being molded less than their male counterparts because for the most part we’ve been molded our entire lives.  Yes, I know I may be exposing myself to a feminist firing squad but I’ll stand by my claim nonetheless.  We women have been “encouraged” since birth to move toward the nurturer, mother, wife, peacekeeper.  Of course those roles don’t work for everyone, but many men and women still believe women are/should be the calmer, organized, stable, considerate, “fairer” sex.  Regardless if you agree or not, it’s a general assumption. Family is the ultimate goal, if not the defining factor of your life.

Men, on the other hand, are encouraged to be the provider and protector.  However, until there is a family to actually provide for and protect, they are encouraged to “sow their oats” and enjoy their youth.  Dare devil sports, motorcycles or crazy cars, drinking heavy, clubs, multiple girlfriends at once, video games, tailgates, vacations, etc.  Men are taught to “do it while you can.”. Family may be great and the ultimate goal but it will still rob you of a bit of yourself.

When a couple begins, they independently decide what their ultimate goal will be. If it’s temporary (usually because they’ve already determined it’d be too much work to be happy), the amount of work will be minimal. Have fun until it’s not fun anymore. Pretty simple.  However, if there’s potential of “something else” (whatever that means to you), then the investments are made.  Unfortunately, those investments can often come in the form of complaints ( or just requests if you’re skilled at not sounding like you’re nagging) and concessions.  With every statement, you decide who cares more about that particular issue and if the benefits outweigh the costs of giving in.  Relationships are very transactional.  We just don’t ever consider them that way.  For some reason, a balance sheet isn’t considered romantic. Go figure…

Prospects are really projects but projects usually aren’t really prospects.  Project – He’d be great if…  Prospect – She’s great even though…  There will always be buts…  The oldest, happiest couples tell you they learn more about each other everyday.  No one person stays the same.  Life simply doesn’t allow it. Therefore, no relationship can stay the same.  But if you go in ready to “fix” someone to what you want,  failure is probable because you didn’t really want that person to begin with.  That’s not to say you can’t see potential in a person but you also can’t fully define what the embodiment of that potential should look like.

Love can’t be forced and neither can personality changes.  The most meaningful, long-lasting changes are choices.  Choosing to love means choosing to change. You just have to make sure the changes you make or desire don’t lead to bitterness or a feeling of loss of self.  Couples may work as units but they are still comprised of two independent thinking, independent feeling people.  The view of a healthy, working unit is thanks to constant consideration of how the other person may feel about a situation.  He and I.  She and I. Always.  That type of consideration doesn’t come form a successful project.  Just ask Kim Kardashian. (Too soon?)

Wondering if she’s a project herself,

Jo’van

Sorry the post was so long.  It’s been too long since I’ve posted and I just got a little excited…

November 9, 2011
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

The World…As I See It: 1.1.11 Follow the Trend

9-year-old Ice Skating to “Whip My Hair” By Willow Smith.  Between the skater being adorable, the song being a late 2010 hit, it being one of the big songs during the bar New Year’s celebrations and the fact that it’s supposed to be about being comforatble with yourself, I couldn’t resist.


Another year has passed.  The good, the bad and the ugly have all happened.  But in the end (as always), I emerged victorious.  I’ve loved.  Hated.  Feared.  Cheered.  Been praised and berated. Questioned my worth and counted my blessings.  2010 was a good year.  Now enter 2011.

I wish I could be more philosophical.  But I’m momentarily at a loss.  I currently have almost everything I’ve ever wanted.  (If I don’t have it, I’m on track to…)  All things considered, there are six crucial components of my life.  With each, there’s some definite work to be done but things are promising:

1.) Family:  I jokingly complain about my large, very 90s family, especially around Christmas.  Having ten people in your immediate family is no Christmas shopping joke.  But I’m blessed to have all four of my parents and six of my siblings (and now my brother-in-law and niece, not to mention the grandmas…).  We all look, sound, think and feel differently but there’s a spoken (and unspoken) bond: love.  Over the years, I’ve learned to live only in my current “life”, allowing all other things from former or “other” lives to slip into the subconscious.  I believe that probably came from toggling between homes, parents, siblings, bedrooms, parts of the country.  However, it just takes that one trip home to remind me how unnecessary that coping mechanism is at this point in my life.  As with every year, in 2011, I resolve to stay in better contact with the people who have to love me.  For whatever awkwardness I ever felt about randomly reaching out, I can now cope out with Facebook.  It’s better than nothing…

2.) Friends: Simply put I have wonderful friends.  And as much as I may not like to admit and/or adapt to it, relationships change.  The people I’ve grown to love and trust, I’ll always love and trust but we’re not always going to mean the same things to each other.  Rather than fight that reality, I’m learning to be thankful for what I had and who I shared it with.  When you stop working with someone or living with someone or regularly hanging out with someone, it can be difficult to “stay in touch”.  I’ve always done what was easy.  The people (emotionally) closest to me were often the people (physically) closest to me.  As with my family, if I truly value the relationship, I have to 1.) accept things will change and 2.) not allow something to die just because it’s no longer convenient.  In 2011, I resolve to be a good friend instead of sometimes just an easy one.

3.) Love: Most years, I don’t even mention this one.  I’ve always wanted to be in a good relationship.  But my track record was less than promising.  I accepted if/when something was meant to happen, it would simply happen.  I stopped hoping for it and, to be completely honest, being entirely open to it.   My 2 1/2 break from everything was no joke.  However, I can happily (and confidently) say, despite my best efforts, I’m in a good relationship now.  I am with someone I respect, admire, am attracted to, amused by, comforted by, and am proud to be with.  Even better, I believe he feels the same way about me.  A healthy, honest boyfriend/girlfriend, meet your family and friends, entertain the word “we” relationship.  A novel idea, I know.  In 2011, I resolve to not sabotaging “us”.

4.) Career: 2009 forced major changes in my career path.  From agency PR to unemployment to economic development in the last few months of the year.  2010 found me really understanding what that industry and my position meant.  As with any job, not everything was perfect.  But it was educational.  I feel better informed and, more importantly, more confident in my skills, both technical and interpersonal.  In 2011, I resolve to continue to move forward, whatever direction that might be.

5.) Faith: This one’s touchy for me.  Growing up a “preacher’s daughter”, church was a big part of my life.  The rules, the services, the songs, the process.  But my personal faith has always been something tied to struggles.  When things are well, I thank God out of obligation.  But I can’t say that we really talk. When things are bad, I can’t stop talking.  I know our relationship needs some work.  As much as I’d like to argue that relationship could be repaired anywhere, I think I need the either the structure or the comfort of a church family.  In 2011, I resolve to find my church home in Austin.

6.) Happiness: While the prior five components play a large part in defining my happiness, one big factor is simply being open to allowing it.  For whatever reason(s), I’ve sought to prevent my own happiness.  I don’t know if I didn’t feel I deserved or had earned it or if I was too pessimistic to trust it but I’ve been able to prevent a consistent, natural happiness with my own life.  Momentary happiness is impossible to avoid.  But that lasting, confident, easy contentment has often evaded me.  People will always be smarter, richer, prettier, “luckier”, whatever other -er you want than me.  But happier is all on me.  I have family, friends, career, faith, health and an open future.  Last year, I resolved to be happy.  While I wasn’t perfect, I think I did pretty well.  So in 2011, I resolve to be happy.  Hopefully, I can follow my own trend.

Happy New Year,

Jo’van

January 1, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Not Reaping the Benefits

This song’s a bit more extreme than what I’m going through but aren’t most?  I heard it for the first time during my make-yourself-miserable phase of the mourning period and it stuck with me.  This is essentially what I felt he was saying to me.  Or maybe what I was hoping he was saying…  (Plus, I needed a guitar riff to honor the ex.  Most sappy r&b songs just don’t have those.)

Rascal Flatts “I Feel Bad”

I recently got out of a decent relationship with a good guy.  To be more specific, I was let go.  Much like being laid off, I saw it coming but just tried to keep smiling and pretend as if nothing was happening, waiting for the cloud to pass over.  No one wants to admit they were the one broken up with.  But I find a level of comfort in at least being intelligent and sensitive enough to not be surprised.

Anyway, 3 1/2 months in, things just weren’t working the way they should.  If we were really being honest with each other and ourselves, the same thing could’ve been said a little earlier.  1 1/2 months in, it wasn’t really working…enough.

We looked great on paper; considering the other person to be attractive, intelligent, intriguing, funny, promising.  A 14 year difference and “jungle fever” only made things more interesting.  (The latter not being a real issue but an issue just the same at times when I made it one.)

As much as I’d like to list out all of our problems and why I knew this wasn’t going to work and pat myself on the back for knowing ahead of time but trying, I just can’t.  Sure, there were things that made me raise an eyebrow or made him take a step back.  We liked different things.  When I was ready to slow down, he was ready to speed up.  Our life experiences were drastically different.  (Shit, he actually remembered the 80s! 🙂 )  His confidence can come off smug or arrogant.  My unease can come off defensive, or, worse, indifferent.  But in the end, I’d say it truly came down to one big thing that when ignored, made all of the small things eventually blow up in our faces.

This was the first “real” relationship I’ve had in quite some time, 8 years or so; of relationships altogether, nearly 4.  I don’t have a good explanation for such extreme breaks.  My feelings have been hurt.  I may have even been burned in the past.  But I can’t say that my heart was broken or that I was bitter.  Instead, I found some undue comfort in preventing those things.  Much like other actions generally tied to relationships, abstinence is the only true way to prevent…

For all intensive purposes, I would say this man is a good (not perfect, but good) man and, equally important, could have been good for me.  Unfortunately, I just wasn’t able to do what should come naturally.  Better said, I wouldn’t allow myself to do what did.

For whatever reason, I told myself not to get too excited.  I guess I thought if I kept my reactions calm and under control, I’d be able to prevent going overboard.  I went so far as to downplay my happiness and appreciation around friends, choosing to refer to him by a less than flattering but endearing nickname rather than simply using his name, avoiding the term boyfriend, trying so hard to not appear invested and vulnerable.  Unfortunately, that did not work for him and therefore we did not work.  I was actually dating a man who wanted to know what I was feeling and thinking about us.  He was the first one to speak of an us and call me his girlfriend.  I should have been ecstatic.

This is a longer post.  Depending on your reading speed, you might be in need of another song to get you through the second half.  Sade’s “Soldier of Love”

I was expecting games and slow, if at all, growth.  He offered (and similarly expected) straight honesty and a clear path to deeper.  Once I realized that he was being honest, not playing any games, I truly froze up.  I didnt’ know what to do.  It’s easy to dismiss and/or play along with something fake.  You just tell yourself you’re having a good time, going with the flow, intentionally not getting too invested, not even allowing yourself to daydream things’ll turn into something else.  Realizing someone you genuinely like may actually genuinely like you too should be exciting.  For me, however, it was terrifying and I, unfortunately and unintentionally, shut down.  Externally,  I was there, agreeing, participating, but not really giving.

I wanted to give.  Everything in me wanted to enjoy being happy and do what I could to try to make him as happy.  We both deserved that much.  And to be fair, I did give but it was only the things I’m generally comfortable giving.  I gave my time, my attention, my affection.  I didn’t give the things he went so far as to ask for; my emotions, concerns, fears, joys.

Every time I started to say or do something risky, I caught myself.  There weren’t any voices screaming in my head or flashbacks of horrible experiences.  I just didn’t trust myself, didn’t know how or where to start.  So I never did.  I was so worried what other people would think and whether my efforts/feelings would be understood or enough for him.  Unfortunately, instead of appearing scared, I simply appeared cold.  I cared way more than I let on and nobody understood that until I was upset it was lost.  I did a great job of protecting myself.  (Go me!)  In a sad way, I think I knew not trying would end it but at least I’d play some part in the decision; feeling  some sense of control albeit not positive.

While I wish I could have stepped up and done whatever my head/heart/gut wanted to do in the moment in this situation instead of overthinking and running, I still don’t really have any regrets.  I WILL be that woman eventually, maybe even as soon as next time.  I have the capacity.  I just didn’t have the confidence.  And I think it took me experiencing something that could have been real, could have been something, and essentially ruining it to get it.  His inability, or better unwillingness, to stick around hoping anymore very well might’ve been the swift kick in the ass I needed to wake up.

Despite our failure as a couple, I’m very happy to have considered this man a part of my life.  I don’t know if we’ll be friends but hope we’ll at least be friendly.  If I had a regret, it would be that he won’t be able to reap the benefits of his frustrations with me.  I’ve given more to less deserving people.  (Sad commentary, I know.)  Well…actually… I probably haven’t.  They just got more of the same…

I think I needed a  buffer to get me back into the mindset of dating to do more than satisfy a curiosity or a feeling of loneliness.  I needed something shallow for the sake of shallow but fun, a test run if you will, to get me ready for something potentially real.  Too bad this opportunity, this man didn’t come along after that buffer, rather than partially serving as it.  Things might’ve been different.  We still might not have worked out but it would’ve been because of something that happened between us, rather than something everyone from my mother to bandmate recognize to just be a part of who I am (right now), an onion if you will.  (Please note the Shrek reference.)
But he didn’t come along later, things aren’t different and you know, that’s just fine.  I’m just fine either way.

(Although, I must say, it’s a little frustrating not to be able to say something promising failed because it wasn’t meant to be, rather than being able to narrow it down to your inability to accept being happy as a realistic option.  A really wordy way to say we might’ve still failed but I wish I hadn’t have given myself an easy out.)

Ending the mourning process,

Jo’van

March 27, 2010
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Friendly Drama: Lost a Wife, Gained a Roommate

I don’t really care for Keyshia Cole or Lil Kim but for whatever reason whenever I stress about my roommate I have to remind myself sometimes I just have to “Let It Go”

Over the last 10 months or so, my roommate and I have been having “issues” to say the least.  While her change in relationship status (and  seemingly ever-present boyfriend) played a big part in those changes, the greater issues lie in our inability to communicate and respect each other’s feelings.  Bills are paid on time.  The common space is kept clean.  The dogs are loved and cared for.  Music/TV are kept at reasonable volume levels.  For all of the points on paper, the things I would’ve told my residents in college to consider, we are good roommates.  However, on the irrational/emotional level, not so much.

On a purely selfish level, I wish her boyfriend would vacate the picture.  He drives me crazy in an extremely passive way.  But he’s a nice guy who seems to have his shit together and she seems happy with him.  So I wouldn’t really wish that.  Instead for months, I told myself I needed either less of him around or more reasons to not be around myself.  I simply feel uncomfortable with him/them.  But that passive aggressive reaction has only caused what feels like an ulcer and hours of complaining to those around me.  So rather than carry this feeling of discomfort in my own home into our new place (lease to be signed tomorrow), I’ve decided to accept I’ve lost my wife and gained just a roommate.

Our current apartment has a nice set-up for roommates.  The bedrooms are large with massive closets and our own bathrooms.  We only share the living space.  Unfortunately, the common space is very small.  Whenever I come home and they’re on the couch, I feel like I’m nearly in their lap.  (I’d say laps but it really seems like a single unit most of the time…)  Because I feel so uncomfortable, I rarely spend any time with them.  In fact, unless we’re sitting at the dining room table, I’m never around them.  It just feels awkward and not important to anyone but me.  He spends more time on the couches I haven’t paid off yet than I do.  For some reason, I see that as a problem.

When she became serious about this guy, I wanted to like him.  I love my roommate.  If someone is important to her, I hope I can like them and at least be happy around them.  It’s rare that I haven’t liked a close friend’s significant other.  There have been some I wouldn’t necessarily care to be around alone.  But generally, I’ve liked them, been able to laugh with them and carry on small talk.  Unfortunately, I don’t feel that way about my roommate/ex-wife’s boyfriend.  Our conversations are strained, our personalities clash and he’s in our apartment a lot.  But as she so eloquently put it after a big argument, she knew we wouldn’t be friends so she saw no need in even trying to facilitate that.  So I’ve been given the out.  I don’t have to like him.  But he is here quite often.  How do I at least deal with him/them?

First, I had to figure out/decide what my major issue was.  Was he the root of our problems or was it us?  As much as he may annoy me :-), he’s not our issue.  She seemingly turned into a different person upon entering this relationship and I didn’t/haven’t adjusted as quickly.  While there are things she’s done that I feel are just plain wrong (and I recognize that I’ve done such things as well), she’s still a good roommate.  She’s just a shitty wife…to me.  (She seems great with him now.)  When we used to talk to each other about our days, she only talks to him.  When we used to go grocery shopping together and fix meals for both of us, she now cooks with her man every evening for the two of them.  When she would go out with me and our friends, she now spends 99% of her time with him alone.  (I have to give her the 1% when she shocks everyone and actually comes out.)  When I’m really annoyed, I feel she’s turned into the type of woman who lives to work and be with her man but I understand that’s not really the case.  She’s just busy and this new relationship is a priority and an escape.  Either way, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it and more importantly, it’s really none of my business.  If she’s happy, she should do whatever she wants.  She’s apparently happy in this relationship.  I just don’t think I was ready for the swift change in our relationship because of it. (I might, in fact, be a little jealous.)  I just need to focus on the parts that are my business.  Only my life,  my comfort and my relationship with her should be my concerns.

Anyway, most people seem to ignore the rest of the world when they’ve entered the honeymoon stage of a relationship.  When you do it, you’re simply “getting to know this new person, fostering the relationship”.  When you’re single (or co-dependent) and one of your friends does it, they’re “ignoring the people who’ve always been there for them.”  Either way, you emerge and after a few snide remarks, your relationships are intact or they’re gone and weren’t all that strong to begin with.)

So with all of this drama and discomfort, why would I sign another 12 month lease with her (and her boyfriend)?  That’s a very good question.  And the answer could simply be money.  Having quit my 2nd job, my finances wouldn’t allow me to live by myself right now.  My car note will be paid off in a year and even if I don’t get a raise (since the economy still sucks), I will be able to afford to live (comfortably) on my own next year.  Until then, having a roommate is the smartest move I could make.  That’s not to say we won’t want to live together in a year (but it’s a distinct possibility…).  And you know what?  I already have a great roommate.  And a great friend.  I’m just struggling with signing the divorce papers.

There WILL be more issues this year.  I am not naive enough to believe there won’t be.  What I’ve had to do is simply realize we don’t think alike.  There are things I consider to be courtesy that she considers a given.  And there are things she considers normal that would never cross my mind.  If it were me and my mother and/or friend were planning to stay in our small apartment for nearly two weeks, I’d want to ask her rather than inform her (although fully expecting an “of course, no problem”).   And if it were her and I had someone over all of the time, she’d probably never say anything about it as long as that person were respectful of her space.  After knowing each other for 8 years, we both should know better but obviously we don’t always.  There’s always room for growth.

We met in the fall of 2002, randomly selected roommates at Iowa State.  Terrified my first roommate would be a whore, a freak, really annoying or disgusting, I was very pleased to have her.  She was smart, sweet, compassionate and easy to live with.  Sharing one room can be very difficult.  To survive with your sanity, you have no choice but to be very cognizant of your roommate and their mannerisms.  What about you and the world makes them tick?  What habits can and should you avoid to maintain balance?  What can’t you stand?  And how do you communicate that respectfully?  These are the types of things I worked with my residents to figure out as an RA.  It’s time (in fact months past time) that we went back to being first roommates and second friends if it happens to work out that way.  I wouldn’t go as far as a contract but we might just need to talk it all out, as opposed to just parts when we’re angry.

*Plus, the last two months have been really stressful for her.  As a good friend and a decent roommate, I owe her some allowances.  She did afterall deal with my depressed/angry/hurt phase this summer after being rejected and laid off.  When she recovers from this, though, we’re officially starting over.  I value our relationship and really hope another 12 months will not be the death of it.  I’ll do my part to prevent that from happening but also realize I can’t/shouldn’t be the only one feeling this pressure.  I guess we have 12 months to decide if this is such a good idea…

Excited to move out of an apartment and into a great house,

Jo’van

…Although I will say it would be WONDERFUL if they spent more time at his place.  Sometimes it’s nice to pretend/feel like you live alone…

February 28, 2010
Categories: Friendly Drama (The Ones You Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Up to Your Physical Standard

Everyone wants to be with someone they’re attracted to.  Thankfully, we all have different “types” making it easier for us all not to fight over the Brad Pitts and Halle Berrys.  Some people like the Carson Dalys and Roseannes.  Regardless of what your type is, you want to think the person you’re attracted to is cute, up to your physical standard.  But then you wonder just how cute you are.  Are you a movie star (after the airbrushing), an average person or a hobbit?  Are you up to your own physical standard?

When it comes to attraction, we’re all faced with three situations.  Which one would you prefer?

1.) You’re cuter than your partner.  What do you do if you know you’re more attractive than your significant other? Does it boost your confidence or make you worry they’re only with you for your looks?  Is the connection strong enough for you not to desire a cuter boy/girlfriend?

2.) You’re partner’s cuter than you are.  Everyone wants to be with someone gorgeous (by their terms) but how does that make you feel when you look at photos of you two?  Are you proud of what you’ve been able to snag? Or are you wondering when they’ll stop playing around with you and move on to an equally beautiful person?

3.) You’re equally attractive.  This is a difficult balance to reach.  We see this most often at the extremes.  Either you are a Ken and Barbie couple or you both look like someone beat you with the couple’s ugly stick.  With “average” looking couples, there’s bound to be one person that’s more attractive than the other.  It just depends on whether you’re considering faces or body types.

So where do you typically fall?  Are you just a beautiful person who can’t seem to find anyone as attractive as them?  Or an ugly person vainly striving to catch that one beautiful person to give your children hope?

I’d like to believe that I am pleasantly average.  There’s nothing too offensive about my appearance.  While there are things that could be better (small bosom and magically disappearing top lip) but there are also things that could be far worse (suffering from noassatall or having fat feet).

I’ve recently considered how I would feel about dating someone I knew was much more attractive than I was.  While I’d like to believe I’d embrace this as an opportunity to bask in beauty’s glow at every possible chance, I don’t know if my ego could really take that.  Would I be able to overcome my insecurities and accept that person could think I’m also beautiful and like me for me?  Probably not right now in my self-evolution.  I’m not that comfortable with myself yet.  Instead, I think I would assume they were just passing time with me until a barbie walked by.  If their face is mesmerizing, shouldn’t their partners be?  If they have the sculpted body, shouldn’t their partner?  Wouldn’t you want to believe you contributed to the cuteness of a couple’s picture?

If the person I’m dating is more than attractive than I am, I think we ‘ll both need to be closer to average than either extreme.

In search of her above-average beau,

Jo’van

March 6, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

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