When you reach a certain age, you and your friends start to find “more than friends.” Romantic relationships are healthy, wonderful, fun, etc. Aside from nuns, priests and people who hate all human interaction, most people hope to eventually be in some lasting relationship. Not everyone’s into marriage but something steady with someone you care about, are attracted to and can trust? That’s gotta sound pretty good.
One phenomenon that I notice generally with women is ignoring their platonic friendships. While I’m sure this happens with men on some level, I have less experience in that area so I’ll just stick with attacking the ladies. Anything new in your life takes up time that may have allocated for something else. And unlike a new job or a hobby, a new person in your life requires A LOT of one-on-one time. You have to figure out who this person is, what they like to do, what you have in common, what drives you crazy about them, what you couldn’t live without, what you never knew you’d like, etc. But you also have to remember the people and things that were in your life before this person.
It’s always amazed me the way some people can completely change how they live there lives when romance becomes part of the picture. I’m not saying I’d be above this unfortunate generality but since I’ve avoided the second part of the scenario, I can still feel justified in my condemnation.
When your friend first disappears into the shadow/car/arms/bed/whatever of their new beau, all is pretty much forgiven. They’re in the honeymoon period. Let them have their fun. However, when this new situation begins to affect YOUR normal life, it starts to become a problem. When your old road dog/concert attendee/danceclub partner/movie buddy refuses keep things “the way they always were”, as the forgotten friend, you have to decide how much you’re willing to forgive and accept.
We’re not married to our friends. As evident by the happily (or just long) married couples I know, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. All other friends are essentially utilized to share or vent about the things your significant other doesn’t/can’t understand. This all sounds great. It makes sense. But living it for the first time is different.
I’m 25. At this age, (while none of my immediate friends) a lot of people are already married or at least engaged. I have friends moving in with their boy/girlfriends, buying furniture together, planning extended vacations, discussing rings, spending every available night together. Despite the tone of this post, I am genuinely happy for them. If they’ve found someone/something that truly makes them happy, how could I not be? As a real friend, I have to support.
However, as the friend who’s found a “someone”, you have to decide if your friendships are strong enough to withstand your honeymoon period (no matter how long it lasts). I may love you forever but that doesn’t mean that after 6 months of being ignored, I’m going to be all that open to keeping you busy just because your man’s out of town. I might just tell you to kiss my ass. 🙂
Like romantic relationships, friendships take time and courtesy. We may not be going to bed together but friends do make uncomfortable sacrifices of their time for each other. It’s just part of it. Some people can maintain both worlds but the only way to do that is value it. If you left me, you may have to put in work to get back in my good graces or just drift off…
One common misconception is that it’s the significant other’s fault. Sure, they can influence what you do, who you see and how often BUT the ultimate decision, and therefore fault, lies with the friend. Unless violence is an issue, no one can make your friend do anything they didn’t want to. You may not like the boy/girlfriend but it’s never right to blame the stress or dissolution of your friendship on them.
As non-family members, friends don’t HAVE to love you. They choose to. Remember to appreciate that choice. Not being friends can just be easier, even for the one not searching to make time for it. Play with your friends, go home to your honey. (Unless of course you live with your friends. In that case, go to your boy/girlfriend’s house. There’s no point in making your friend uncomfortable or feeling unwelcome/uninvited in their own home. That’s a whole new level of stress.)
Weighing the pros and cons of living alone,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 