Note: The evening after I wrote this post was the most painful in probably 5 years. I’m not blaming you, God. I’m blaming Eve. You warned her. I would’ve listened.
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(Possibly graphic, beware)
Okay, so I won’t be the first or the last person to complain about that beautiful time of the month that reminds you you are in fact a woman (not just a man with different parts) and have emerged from puberty. Thank you, God, for this wonderful reminder. But I am not a fan. This discomfort and pain every 20-30 days is unnecessary in my opinion. Refraining from discussing the disgusting, cramps, bloating and irritability are not things I need to add to my life. As it stands, I’m bitchy and unhappy enough already. Why can’t this time feel nice, like a warm bath or a good massage? Why must I feel like my insides are fighting with each other and I’m the only person losing? My special women parts are beating each other up with what feels like spiked brass knuckles and steel-toe cowboy boots. Pain that can only be eased by potent pain killers doesn’t sound like an appropriate reminder of the magic and wonder of pregnancy.
I’m very sorry if I’m not the most pleasant for the four days while my body is reminding me I’m not pregnant and this pain is nothing in comparison to what I can look forward to in the beauty of child birth but I don’t have much sympathy for you. Just leave me alone. I will do my best to remain pleasant as long as I’m given my space. I need to sleep, eat chocolate, sleep, roll into a ball, eat chocolate, sleep, work and sleep. If anything you have to say to me doesn’t fit into one of those categories, check in with me next week.
Eve (as I call my monthly visit, Aunt Flow, menustration or period) does not make me bitchy. It just lowers my tolerance to annoyances. As I told boys in high school, just because a girl is annoyed with you doesn’t mean her insides are killing her. Maybe you’re just annoying. If I was on my period as often as people around me thought I was, I would have bled to death years ago.
I’ve often heard that we as women should almost be happy or proud to experience this. Men would not be able to handle it. Somehow thinking that men have supposedly lower thresholds of pain does not make me smile or feel better. I don’t really care if they “couldn’t handle” it. If I had the option, I’d chose not the be able to handle it either, rather than stocking up on Aleve, chocolate, comfortable pillows and a heating pad. Adam had to “work the land” and Eve had to suffer. Well, we’re both working right now. I think it’s about time we both suffer. (Or neither, I’d be up for that also.)
Rolling into a ball surrounded by a bag of Hershey’s kisses,
Jo’van
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Ode to Eve
Dear Mother of humanity, Christian goddess, whose appetite killed eternal happiness. No apple is that damn good.
I appreciate your sacrifices, am thankful for your existence, but I really wish you would have listened. No apple is that damn good.
You gave up heaven on earth, an unparallel paradise, utopia beyond human site. No apple is that damn good.
I don’t always listen to my parents either, but then again my father isn’t God, did you think he’d spare you the rod? No apple is that damn good.
A metaphor for the evil’s of sex, a serpent controled your action, I’m ashamed of your curiousity of attraction. No apple is that damn good.
It makes me wonder if any food, could sound good enough to make me risk, being struck down for knowledge I’m not equip. No apple is that damn good.
Perfectly seasoned steak, or the most melt in your mouth chocolate. Is any food worth the ultimate threat? No apple is that damn good.
If it had to be a fruit of the earth, why was it an apple? The cheapest ingredient in a bottle of Snapple. No apple is that damn good.
A mango, a watermelon, a peach or an orange, grapes, cantelope, honeydew and pears. What made an apple worth my monthly tears? No apple is that damn good.
Here’s a suggestion, can we just switch places? I’ll do as I’m told and stay in God’s good graces. No apple is that damn good.
I’ll trade you Eden and Adam, for cramps, bloating, pain. Paradise or bleeding, you must be insane. No apple is that damn good.
The Truth: According to Jo'van 