This song’s a bit more extreme than what I’m going through but aren’t most? I heard it for the first time during my make-yourself-miserable phase of the mourning period and it stuck with me. This is essentially what I felt he was saying to me. Or maybe what I was hoping he was saying… (Plus, I needed a guitar riff to honor the ex. Most sappy r&b songs just don’t have those.)
Rascal Flatts “I Feel Bad”
I recently got out of a decent relationship with a good guy. To be more specific, I was let go. Much like being laid off, I saw it coming but just tried to keep smiling and pretend as if nothing was happening, waiting for the cloud to pass over. No one wants to admit they were the one broken up with. But I find a level of comfort in at least being intelligent and sensitive enough to not be surprised.
Anyway, 3 1/2 months in, things just weren’t working the way they should. If we were really being honest with each other and ourselves, the same thing could’ve been said a little earlier. 1 1/2 months in, it wasn’t really working…enough.
We looked great on paper; considering the other person to be attractive, intelligent, intriguing, funny, promising. A 14 year difference and “jungle fever” only made things more interesting. (The latter not being a real issue but an issue just the same at times when I made it one.)
As much as I’d like to list out all of our problems and why I knew this wasn’t going to work and pat myself on the back for knowing ahead of time but trying, I just can’t. Sure, there were things that made me raise an eyebrow or made him take a step back. We liked different things. When I was ready to slow down, he was ready to speed up. Our life experiences were drastically different. (Shit, he actually remembered the 80s! 🙂 ) His confidence can come off smug or arrogant. My unease can come off defensive, or, worse, indifferent. But in the end, I’d say it truly came down to one big thing that when ignored, made all of the small things eventually blow up in our faces.
This was the first “real” relationship I’ve had in quite some time, 8 years or so; of relationships altogether, nearly 4. I don’t have a good explanation for such extreme breaks. My feelings have been hurt. I may have even been burned in the past. But I can’t say that my heart was broken or that I was bitter. Instead, I found some undue comfort in preventing those things. Much like other actions generally tied to relationships, abstinence is the only true way to prevent…
For all intensive purposes, I would say this man is a good (not perfect, but good) man and, equally important, could have been good for me. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t able to do what should come naturally. Better said, I wouldn’t allow myself to do what did.
For whatever reason, I told myself not to get too excited. I guess I thought if I kept my reactions calm and under control, I’d be able to prevent going overboard. I went so far as to downplay my happiness and appreciation around friends, choosing to refer to him by a less than flattering but endearing nickname rather than simply using his name, avoiding the term boyfriend, trying so hard to not appear invested and vulnerable. Unfortunately, that did not work for him and therefore we did not work. I was actually dating a man who wanted to know what I was feeling and thinking about us. He was the first one to speak of an us and call me his girlfriend. I should have been ecstatic.
This is a longer post. Depending on your reading speed, you might be in need of another song to get you through the second half. Sade’s “Soldier of Love”
I was expecting games and slow, if at all, growth. He offered (and similarly expected) straight honesty and a clear path to deeper. Once I realized that he was being honest, not playing any games, I truly froze up. I didnt’ know what to do. It’s easy to dismiss and/or play along with something fake. You just tell yourself you’re having a good time, going with the flow, intentionally not getting too invested, not even allowing yourself to daydream things’ll turn into something else. Realizing someone you genuinely like may actually genuinely like you too should be exciting. For me, however, it was terrifying and I, unfortunately and unintentionally, shut down. Externally, I was there, agreeing, participating, but not really giving.
I wanted to give. Everything in me wanted to enjoy being happy and do what I could to try to make him as happy. We both deserved that much. And to be fair, I did give but it was only the things I’m generally comfortable giving. I gave my time, my attention, my affection. I didn’t give the things he went so far as to ask for; my emotions, concerns, fears, joys.
Every time I started to say or do something risky, I caught myself. There weren’t any voices screaming in my head or flashbacks of horrible experiences. I just didn’t trust myself, didn’t know how or where to start. So I never did. I was so worried what other people would think and whether my efforts/feelings would be understood or enough for him. Unfortunately, instead of appearing scared, I simply appeared cold. I cared way more than I let on and nobody understood that until I was upset it was lost. I did a great job of protecting myself. (Go me!) In a sad way, I think I knew not trying would end it but at least I’d play some part in the decision; feeling some sense of control albeit not positive.
While I wish I could have stepped up and done whatever my head/heart/gut wanted to do in the moment in this situation instead of overthinking and running, I still don’t really have any regrets. I WILL be that woman eventually, maybe even as soon as next time. I have the capacity. I just didn’t have the confidence. And I think it took me experiencing something that could have been real, could have been something, and essentially ruining it to get it. His inability, or better unwillingness, to stick around hoping anymore very well might’ve been the swift kick in the ass I needed to wake up.
Despite our failure as a couple, I’m very happy to have considered this man a part of my life. I don’t know if we’ll be friends but hope we’ll at least be friendly. If I had a regret, it would be that he won’t be able to reap the benefits of his frustrations with me. I’ve given more to less deserving people. (Sad commentary, I know.) Well…actually… I probably haven’t. They just got more of the same…
I think I needed a buffer to get me back into the mindset of dating to do more than satisfy a curiosity or a feeling of loneliness. I needed something shallow for the sake of shallow but fun, a test run if you will, to get me ready for something potentially real. Too bad this opportunity, this man didn’t come along after that buffer, rather than partially serving as it. Things might’ve been different. We still might not have worked out but it would’ve been because of something that happened between us, rather than something everyone from my mother to bandmate recognize to just be a part of who I am (right now), an onion if you will. (Please note the Shrek reference.)
But he didn’t come along later, things aren’t different and you know, that’s just fine. I’m just fine either way.
(Although, I must say, it’s a little frustrating not to be able to say something promising failed because it wasn’t meant to be, rather than being able to narrow it down to your inability to accept being happy as a realistic option. A really wordy way to say we might’ve still failed but I wish I hadn’t have given myself an easy out.)
Ending the mourning process,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 