Family Values: I Love THE 90’s – Family Edition

Not an exact fit but it’s still a good song.  Adele recently had throat surgery.  Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Adele “Hometown Glory”

For some reason, I started thinking about the terrible 90’s movie “Made in America”. If you’re not familiar (spoiler alert), sharp-tongued, widowed, black, inner city bookstore owner (Whoopi Goldberg) finds out (through blood-typing in public high schools, really?) the sperm donor father of her teenage daughter (Nia Long) is not a random black man but in fact crazy, perpetual bachelor, over-the-top, pickup-truck-on-steroids-driving, crazy tv personality white car salesman (Ted Danson) .  Whoopi and Ted fight and flirt and the start of a blended family emerges in time for Nia’s valedictorian speech.  While rife with cliches and stereotypes, the movie is cute/entertaining enough.  (It’s interesting to note that Goldberg and Danson actually dated in real life. That one still doesn’t make send to me but I digress…)

Yes, the premise of the movie is ridiculous but only somewhat plausible.  In the case of these parents, their relationship began because of a baby they didn’t know they’d conceived together and a clerical error.  Going beyond the ridiculousness, I began to think about the underlying message – No matter what their differences or how they came to be, blended families and inter-racial (or inter-generational, inter-religious, inter-political, mulit-lingual, etc) couples are becoming more common and less offensive to the general public.  (I’d argue that the two are not one in the same.)

My family is a perfect example. I have 10 people in my immediate family.  No, my parents were not rabbits.  They were “progressive”.  While there are key differences that are missing, my immediate family is definitely the most “blended” of anyone I’ve actually met.  When explaining my family to the newbie who has no idea what they’re getting themselves into, I start by saying we are THE 90’s family.  (Sometimes I wish could whip out a diagram with VH-1 graphics.)  Most of the wonderful and terrible things that were said to happen the family structure in the 70’s and 80’s happened to my family. (Cue the curtain…)

In the beginning, there were three traditional couples married with children, same religions, same races.  For various reasons, divorce entered the discussion and then there were six divorcees sharing five kids.  Everyone married again and had more kids. The end. Kind of…

I am an only child of a black couple that once was.  I have four parents, six siblings, one brother-in-law and a niece.  We are black, white, bi-racial, multi-racial, mixed, college students, struggling twenty-somethings, parents in their 30’s, methodist, baptist, catholic, mormon, vegetarian (not a religion but when your dad’s a hunter with mounted deer heads and fish, it’s enough), reformed screw-ups, goodie-twoshoes, musically inclined, athletically blessed, step, half, whole, born into, invited to join and somewhere in-between.  (As individuals, we are much more but who’s got time for all of that?) Half of the kids have two “homes”, while the other half may wish they had more than one. Some of us switched households for holidays and school breaks, while the others lost or gained siblings throughout the year. Sounds like fun, right? And for the most part it is.  Budgeting Christmas presents and negotiating holiday schedules are the only times it truly sucks.

Let me point something out again: I am an only child with six siblings.  In less than three year’s time, I went from the spoiled only child of divorced parents to the middle child of two households.  Seriously, only to the middle! That’s any only child’s nightmare.  Ok, enough of that…

There are several blog posts to be written about what it means to play any of those roles, especially the roles I fill. But for now, I’ll just end with one thought – Most families are like vanilla ice cream in a cake cone and that’s lovely.  But we opted for the twist in a sugar cone, a bit more complicated but delicious just the same. I love the 90’s!

Thanksgiving in Phoenix and a Nashville Christmas? Sounds about right.
Jo’van

November 13, 2011
Categories: Family Values (The Ones You Don't Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

The World…As I See It: Avoiding Disappointment

More melodramatic than my sentiment.  But then again isn’t that a requirement for most songs?

Vintage Brandy “Almost Doesn’t Count [Live]”

I am always concerned about the way people perceive me.  I know it’s cliché and I should have more confidence in myself, blah, blah, blah.  But it’s true and I doubt it’s something that’s going to ever completely go away.  Rather than feel foolish about it, I just have to accept and recognize when it’s creating a ridiculous reaction/response.

Amongst other things, I have a problem dealing with disappointment.  If/when a friend, family member or significant other lets me down, I take it hard.  My heart sinks, lungs get heavy and in extreme cases if I’ve had enough time to think about it and be offended, I get a not-so-slight burning sensation in my chest.  (I’m expecting an ulcer by 28.  It’s truly unfortunate…)  However, the physical is nothing in comparison to the mental and emotional.  I can really take it personally.

If the situation/result is out of their control, I realize I have to choke back whatever my initial response is and be a grown-up about it.  Shit happens.  There’s not a person (currently) in my life that has the power to really hurt my feelings that I believe would do it intentionally.  Most people have nothing but the best of intentions for the people they care about.  I have to find comfort in that (at least…).

However, if the situation/result is completely within their control and they just made a decision, that’s a whole different story.  While in the end I still have to suck it up and move on,  choosing to change plans or not follow through with something you’d said makes a big difference to me.  Running the risk of abusing the cliché, I have little patience for flakes.

Flakes are everywhere, nearly impossible to avoid.  I just rarely choose to intimately associate with them.  Therefore, I’m rarely affected by the things they fail to do.  However, when someone I care about and trust lets me down, it takes everything within me to….let them know.

Not the general response, I know.  Despite the intense personal reaction, it’s very difficult for me to unhappily express myself to those I care about.  I’m often afraid to react verbally because I don’t want my message or true feelings to be lost in the emotional display.  So rather than be fair to the person I’m mounting a mental attack against (or to myself), I swallow it and try to minimize the situation.  “Sure, no problem.  Things happen.  I’ll figure something else out.  Have fun.  I don’t mind.  Etc.”

Now I’m not the big punk I’m making myself out to be.  It’s not that I don’t want to express myself or feel that my feelings are in some way invalid.  It’s just that I want to do it as calmly and honestly as possible.  Finding that balance generally means I have to take a step back.  Despite my typicaly composed, some would say even “professional”, nature, there is always something going on behind scenes.  And I know that when I start it can be difficult to stop.  I just want to make sure that what I say is what I really mean, what’s appropriate for that particular situation.

However that desire to take a step back can often hurt more than it helps.  By the time I’ve thought things over and calmed down, it may seem as if the moment has passed.  What’s worse: overreacting at the moment or bringing up old things the other person thought had been resolved (if they were even aware there was a problem in the first place)?

Not everything’s going to go my way.  But when something happens that leaves me sad, hurt, disappointed or offended, it’s probably not best to cover it up with a half-hearted PR smile and polite responses that completely betray my true feelings.  It’s not all that realistic to believe those feelings will just poof go away.  I may be able to bury them and move forward but there’s only so much one person can bury.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll reach a boiling point and erupt.  The cause of that eventual eruption is usually minor, making me look even more the overreacting drama queen I’d worked so hard to avoid.

Before you go off the deep end, it’s probably best to really evaluate the situation.  What are you upset about and how upset are you?  Had you really been looking forward to something or made some plans that are now null and void because of something someone else did?  Did that person understand what this meant to you?  True surprises aside, it’s often easy for someone to dismiss something you didn’t seem to really care about.  There can be a fine line between complaining and explaining.  But if you’re genuinely upset, I think it’s okay to risk it.  Avoiding the conversation doesn’t give you the power to avoid disappointment.  If nothing else, it just forces you to avoid a resolution.  Sometimes some things cannot be fixed.  But a sincere “I’m sorry” can go a long way.

Regardless of the reason/cause, it’s best for the ones you love to know something they’ve done has hurt you.  If nothing else it’s a reminder that even the perpetually calm have feelings.  Perceived indifference and lack of emotion (good or bad) comes off cold.  If you’re hurting, the last thing you want is someone thinking you don’t care (or, worse, you couldn’t…).

It’s not fair to anyone to feel the need to judge their own, honest feelings for or about the people they want in their lives.  And it’s not fair to the people you supposedly care about and trust to hide your true feelings.  Relationships need to be uncomfortable at times.  If they’re not, someone’s not being honest.  It’s impossible to avoid disappointment.  The best we can all do is pick our battles and not punk out for the sake of perception.

Hoping to count to 3 and respond, rather than 3 million and blow up,

Jo’van

January 7, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

The World…As I See It: 1.1.11 Follow the Trend

9-year-old Ice Skating to “Whip My Hair” By Willow Smith.  Between the skater being adorable, the song being a late 2010 hit, it being one of the big songs during the bar New Year’s celebrations and the fact that it’s supposed to be about being comforatble with yourself, I couldn’t resist.


Another year has passed.  The good, the bad and the ugly have all happened.  But in the end (as always), I emerged victorious.  I’ve loved.  Hated.  Feared.  Cheered.  Been praised and berated. Questioned my worth and counted my blessings.  2010 was a good year.  Now enter 2011.

I wish I could be more philosophical.  But I’m momentarily at a loss.  I currently have almost everything I’ve ever wanted.  (If I don’t have it, I’m on track to…)  All things considered, there are six crucial components of my life.  With each, there’s some definite work to be done but things are promising:

1.) Family:  I jokingly complain about my large, very 90s family, especially around Christmas.  Having ten people in your immediate family is no Christmas shopping joke.  But I’m blessed to have all four of my parents and six of my siblings (and now my brother-in-law and niece, not to mention the grandmas…).  We all look, sound, think and feel differently but there’s a spoken (and unspoken) bond: love.  Over the years, I’ve learned to live only in my current “life”, allowing all other things from former or “other” lives to slip into the subconscious.  I believe that probably came from toggling between homes, parents, siblings, bedrooms, parts of the country.  However, it just takes that one trip home to remind me how unnecessary that coping mechanism is at this point in my life.  As with every year, in 2011, I resolve to stay in better contact with the people who have to love me.  For whatever awkwardness I ever felt about randomly reaching out, I can now cope out with Facebook.  It’s better than nothing…

2.) Friends: Simply put I have wonderful friends.  And as much as I may not like to admit and/or adapt to it, relationships change.  The people I’ve grown to love and trust, I’ll always love and trust but we’re not always going to mean the same things to each other.  Rather than fight that reality, I’m learning to be thankful for what I had and who I shared it with.  When you stop working with someone or living with someone or regularly hanging out with someone, it can be difficult to “stay in touch”.  I’ve always done what was easy.  The people (emotionally) closest to me were often the people (physically) closest to me.  As with my family, if I truly value the relationship, I have to 1.) accept things will change and 2.) not allow something to die just because it’s no longer convenient.  In 2011, I resolve to be a good friend instead of sometimes just an easy one.

3.) Love: Most years, I don’t even mention this one.  I’ve always wanted to be in a good relationship.  But my track record was less than promising.  I accepted if/when something was meant to happen, it would simply happen.  I stopped hoping for it and, to be completely honest, being entirely open to it.   My 2 1/2 break from everything was no joke.  However, I can happily (and confidently) say, despite my best efforts, I’m in a good relationship now.  I am with someone I respect, admire, am attracted to, amused by, comforted by, and am proud to be with.  Even better, I believe he feels the same way about me.  A healthy, honest boyfriend/girlfriend, meet your family and friends, entertain the word “we” relationship.  A novel idea, I know.  In 2011, I resolve to not sabotaging “us”.

4.) Career: 2009 forced major changes in my career path.  From agency PR to unemployment to economic development in the last few months of the year.  2010 found me really understanding what that industry and my position meant.  As with any job, not everything was perfect.  But it was educational.  I feel better informed and, more importantly, more confident in my skills, both technical and interpersonal.  In 2011, I resolve to continue to move forward, whatever direction that might be.

5.) Faith: This one’s touchy for me.  Growing up a “preacher’s daughter”, church was a big part of my life.  The rules, the services, the songs, the process.  But my personal faith has always been something tied to struggles.  When things are well, I thank God out of obligation.  But I can’t say that we really talk. When things are bad, I can’t stop talking.  I know our relationship needs some work.  As much as I’d like to argue that relationship could be repaired anywhere, I think I need the either the structure or the comfort of a church family.  In 2011, I resolve to find my church home in Austin.

6.) Happiness: While the prior five components play a large part in defining my happiness, one big factor is simply being open to allowing it.  For whatever reason(s), I’ve sought to prevent my own happiness.  I don’t know if I didn’t feel I deserved or had earned it or if I was too pessimistic to trust it but I’ve been able to prevent a consistent, natural happiness with my own life.  Momentary happiness is impossible to avoid.  But that lasting, confident, easy contentment has often evaded me.  People will always be smarter, richer, prettier, “luckier”, whatever other -er you want than me.  But happier is all on me.  I have family, friends, career, faith, health and an open future.  Last year, I resolved to be happy.  While I wasn’t perfect, I think I did pretty well.  So in 2011, I resolve to be happy.  Hopefully, I can follow my own trend.

Happy New Year,

Jo’van

January 1, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Eye of the Beholder: Apples, Pears and Bananas

Alternative title: My Body: More than the Sum of Its Faults

(I couldn’t resist.  Gotta love Youtube)

Like any normal, American woman, I’ve had issues with my body image.  And by issues, I mean minor annoyances.  I’ve been blessed enough to not feel the need to go to extremes.  When I was skinny, I accepted being skinny.  When I had a roll or two, I just had a roll or two.  Deep down I knew my issues were minor.  But nothing’s truly minor to a 14-year-old, 19-year-old, or even a 25-year-old.  You just debate whether the pain and cost of doing something about it is worth the benefits.  In my case, it never seemed to be.

Growing up, I, of course, saw the same models, singers and actresses everyone else did.  They were all beautiful because someone else said they were.  But in my head, Whitney Houston was gorgeous b/c she could sing (despite the ridiculous crimped blond wigs).  Naomi Campbell was intriguing b/c she would’ve failed the paperbag test miserably and everyone still loved her.  Cindy Crawford was cool b/c no one seemed to care she had a mole, oh, excuse me, a “beauty mark”.  Madonna had a big gap that no one seemed to notice.  I found these women and countless others interesting because we were all supposed to pay attention to what they could do and not the small things that would’ve been hinderances to people in the real world.

As I got older, I began to identify with women and characters who suffered the same ill fates as I did (or what I considered to be ill at the time).  Storm was my favorite X-Men, not b/c of her powers (although controlling the weather would be pretty cool) but b/c she was tall, slender and black.    (Don’t even get me started on Halle Berry being cast in the movie.  I love her but she’s SHORT!!!)  Kate Hudson became cool in my eyes not b/c of her skills but b/c she’s rather flat-chested.  The Jet beauties were interesting b/c they always had big butts.  Tyra Banks never lied about her weaves.  (I’ve never had one but I understand the desire.)  Etc…

Most of the women I’ve named are black.  This is not to say that I don’t see the Catherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Lisa Ling or Heidi Klums as beautiful.  Of course they are.  But they’re just not who I generally measured myself against.  What was the point?  My mother worked very hard to surround me with milk chocolate-skinned, dark brown-eyed and raven-haired dolls, pictures, barbies, books, etc.

I went through a brief phase of imagining how much easier it would be to be blond and blue-eyed but I emerged content to be brown.  Next came the feeling of not being black enough.  I seemed to lack the desirable attributes of black women.  Instead of full, luscious lips, my top lip all but disappears when I smile (think Jim Carey’s Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color).  The voluptuous coke-bottle figure lovable even with a little extra padding completely missed me.  With my small chest, no-existent hips and lack of waist, I was much closer to the $1.79 2-liter bottle.  As puberty ended, it became apparent I’d never be a Jet Beauty or Cover Girl.  While missing out on those particular careers was fine, the sad truth was still sad.

You see genetics had not been as kind to me as they could have been.  The women on either side of my family are uniquely beautiful.  Faces aside, you have apples and pears.  My mother’s side of the family generally rocks the apples.  Red delicious, granny smith, pink lady, take your pick.  Top-heavy w/ smaller bottoms and, dare I say it, skinny legs.  That shape may not be everyone’s ideal but it is what I saw growing up and expected to resemble.  My dad’s family on the other hand were the classic pears.  Petite tops and small waists poised upon “thick” bottoms.  While one side struggles to find button-ups that don’t gap, the other struggles to find bottoms that fit the ass AND the waist.  I could’ve been the classic coke-bottle, big-little-big.  Instead, and in keeping with the fruits, I ended up a slightly deformed banana, straight up and down with a butt, only one of the desirable curves.  :- ) This realization was only worsened by a “harmless” comment my mother made during my teens.  “I used to worry I’d have to chase the boys away with my family’s top and your dad’s bottom.  But now, I guess I don’t have to worry.”  Thanks, Mom.  It’s all pretty funny now but not 10 years ago when I was 15.

To be fair to her, the boys weren’t all that interested in high school (or college for that matter).  Between going to a small school, being a smart-ass, and strongly resembling Steve Urkel, no one had to worry about me and the boys.  This complete lack of attention (despite my “amazing” outfits haha) probably impacted my self-esteem more than I’d care to admit.  Rather than just accept it for what it was, I gave them excuses.  “Well, of course he wouldn’t be interested in someone who looks like a 12-year-old boy when I could talk to her…”  Colored eyes, longer hair, bigger boobs, a better butt, whatever the case might be.  I’ve since outgrown those excuses.  A lack of interest is nothing more than that.  I’m not interested in every man I meet.  Why should I expect or hope for the same?  But sometimes you can’t help but slip back into asking “why not me?”

So where’s the resolution you ask?  There’s not really one.  Am I stressing as much as I used to about my image?  No.  But I’m also doing more proactively to adapt what I see in the mirror to what I’d like to see.  I’m just too lazy to daydream about changes I couldn’t make with a few extra hours at the gym or a trip to a hairdresser.  I’m cheap and have no desire to go under the knife now that my wisdom teeth have been removed.  If plastic surgery’s the only thing that’s going to make me love the way I look, I guess I’ll have to accept just not hating it.

Realizing why she loves banana bread, smoothies and laffy taffy so much,

Jo’van

September 15, 2009
Categories: Eye of the Beholder (Self-Image), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Family Values: Skipping Christmas

I have a not small family.  I’d normally describe it as large but it’s not like I have 13 siblings and it’s only large because I’m combining two households.  All in all, I have four parents, six siblings, a brother-in-law and a new, fabulously plump niece.  Not to mention the hand-full of friends and co-workers, I’d love to give gifts to.  Unfortunately, something has happened this year.  I am just not feeling Christmas.  I haven’t been interested in shopping.  I don’t have any idea what to get anyone.  I’m just feeling blah about the whole thing.

Christmas is still a holy, happy, family-centric day.  I just don’t have the passion to shop to show my love this year.  I’m not against Christmas presents.  I normally love the picking, hiding, wrapping of it all but there’s something about 2008.  I’m just not in the mood.

Does that make me a Scrouge?  I hope not.  I’m just going to take a break this year.  Not knowing what to get is my fault.  I need to stay in touch with my family and friends a little more.  I have no excuse to have no idea.  While I couldn’t afford it, if I had great ideas, I’d happily be swiping my credit card.  But having no money, no time, no ideas and no energy just isn’t a good mix for inspired presents.  Everyone would end up with generic “pretty” things or gift cards.  A friend told me those would be better than nothing and while I see her point, I just don’t agree this year.  I want to be excited to give you something.  Even if I COMPLETELY missed the mark, I want to care if I did.

The people I love will be getting more calls from me in 2009.  I want to know what’s going on and giggle when I see something I think they might like.  I want to buy it in August and be excited for the next few months.  I don’t want to consider skipping Christmas again.  It’s embarrassing.

Stocking up on wrapping paper for 2009,

Jo’van

December 24, 2008
Categories: Family Values (The Ones You Don't Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

  • December 2025
    S M T W T F S
     123456
    78910111213
    14151617181920
    21222324252627
    28293031  

  • Archives

  • Follow The Truth: According to Jo'van on WordPress.com

  • Enter your email address to follow Jo'van and receive her updates.