The World…As I See It: Facebook – Defeating the Purpose of a Reunion?

Sadly no video from a duet for the ages from the Royals Class of 2002. 😉

Last year, I attended my 10 year high school reunion. While I didn’t expect any real drama, it was still largely/sadly uneventful. Despite the efforts of our two organizers, only about a third of our class showed up for one part or another. But the truly disappointing thing was the near lack of surprises. For the most part, all you needed was a Facebook account and a little time on your hands to “catch-up” via legal cyber stalking.

Apparently foregoing potentially awkward, inconvenient and/or costly reunions in favor of social media is not limited to the Royals class of 2002. School reunion attendance is on the downturn… New York Times story “Remember Me From Yesterday?”

As the graduating class of 2002, my classmates and I were among the early adopters of Facebook. The site, which launched in February 2004 at Harvard but quickly spread across U.S. college campuses, was new, novel and a seemingly better option than MySpace or BlackPlanet. (Remember that? Haha.) In addition, in the beginning you had to have a college/university email address. That alone gave you the impression of exclusivity (and hopefully fewer high school kids and creepy old men lying about…well everything).

After a few months of gentle prodding from an early adopter friend, I signed up near the end of the first semester of my junior year and joined the Facebook “revolution”.

For better or worse, Facebook has been a part of my (near) daily life for 8 years now. Much like iPods perfected/cemented what mp3 players “should be”, Facebook redefined social media. Millions of people cannot go a day – or an hour really… – without making sure they’re not missing out on life as defined by updates, photos and likes.

I both love and hate Facebook for its “magical” connective properties. Facebook, Twitter, instant messaging and texting have made it possible for us both to connect with people we would not normally get to see or talk to and also avoid real, meaningful interactions. Technology has opened the door for the socially awkward and passive aggressive to connect. You never have (or should want) to be more than one click or swipe away from EVERYONE! and their business. (While I recognize Skype and like video conferencing are among similar advances, I see it as more connective than passive. Sometimes it’s simply nice to see the people you’re talking to even if you can’t touch them.)

I’m not going to bemoan the death of our culture. But there have been significant changes, some I like, others I don’t. In the case of my high school reunion, your curiosity could be satisfied on your couch with a smart phone, denying people like me the opportunity to see it in real life. Come on, let’s be honest, people only post the most flattering or hilarious photos of themselves on Facebook. I want to see the trainwrecks and the still-beautiful-10-years-later-so-I-continue-to-hate-yous in person, under harsh lighting. Is that so wrong?

Oh, and of course, I loved seeing my more than Facebook friends (you know the ones whose birthdays I know BEFORE Facebook reminds me) in person. Our small group essentially used a reunion as an excuse to all be home at the same time. Everyone else was just extra. Facebook had already informed us of everything we thought we needed to know about you and your life.

Wondering if we’ll even have a physical 20 year reunion? Perhaps just Skype or FaceTime?

~Jo’van

February 3, 2013
Categories: Friendly Drama (The Ones You Choose), Quarterlife Crisis, The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: culture, facebook, facebook stalking, friends, high school reunion, passive aggressive, social media, technology, twitter . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World…As I See It: Avoiding Disappointment

More melodramatic than my sentiment. But then again isn’t that a requirement for most songs?

Vintage Brandy “Almost Doesn’t Count [Live]”

I am always concerned about the way people perceive me. I know it’s cliché and I should have more confidence in myself, blah, blah, blah. But it’s true and I doubt it’s something that’s going to ever completely go away. Rather than feel foolish about it, I just have to accept and recognize when it’s creating a ridiculous reaction/response.

Amongst other things, I have a problem dealing with disappointment. If/when a friend, family member or significant other lets me down, I take it hard. My heart sinks, lungs get heavy and in extreme cases if I’ve had enough time to think about it and be offended, I get a not-so-slight burning sensation in my chest. (I’m expecting an ulcer by 28. It’s truly unfortunate…) However, the physical is nothing in comparison to the mental and emotional. I can really take it personally.

If the situation/result is out of their control, I realize I have to choke back whatever my initial response is and be a grown-up about it. Shit happens. There’s not a person (currently) in my life that has the power to really hurt my feelings that I believe would do it intentionally. Most people have nothing but the best of intentions for the people they care about. I have to find comfort in that (at least…).

However, if the situation/result is completely within their control and they just made a decision, that’s a whole different story. While in the end I still have to suck it up and move on, choosing to change plans or not follow through with something you’d said makes a big difference to me. Running the risk of abusing the cliché, I have little patience for flakes.

Flakes are everywhere, nearly impossible to avoid. I just rarely choose to intimately associate with them. Therefore, I’m rarely affected by the things they fail to do. However, when someone I care about and trust lets me down, it takes everything within me to….let them know.

Not the general response, I know. Despite the intense personal reaction, it’s very difficult for me to unhappily express myself to those I care about. I’m often afraid to react verbally because I don’t want my message or true feelings to be lost in the emotional display. So rather than be fair to the person I’m mounting a mental attack against (or to myself), I swallow it and try to minimize the situation. “Sure, no problem. Things happen. I’ll figure something else out. Have fun. I don’t mind. Etc.”

Now I’m not the big punk I’m making myself out to be. It’s not that I don’t want to express myself or feel that my feelings are in some way invalid. It’s just that I want to do it as calmly and honestly as possible. Finding that balance generally means I have to take a step back. Despite my typicaly composed, some would say even “professional”, nature, there is always something going on behind scenes. And I know that when I start it can be difficult to stop. I just want to make sure that what I say is what I really mean, what’s appropriate for that particular situation.

However that desire to take a step back can often hurt more than it helps. By the time I’ve thought things over and calmed down, it may seem as if the moment has passed. What’s worse: overreacting at the moment or bringing up old things the other person thought had been resolved (if they were even aware there was a problem in the first place)?

Not everything’s going to go my way. But when something happens that leaves me sad, hurt, disappointed or offended, it’s probably not best to cover it up with a half-hearted PR smile and polite responses that completely betray my true feelings. It’s not all that realistic to believe those feelings will just poof go away. I may be able to bury them and move forward but there’s only so much one person can bury. If you’re anything like me, you’ll reach a boiling point and erupt. The cause of that eventual eruption is usually minor, making me look even more the overreacting drama queen I’d worked so hard to avoid.

Before you go off the deep end, it’s probably best to really evaluate the situation. What are you upset about and how upset are you? Had you really been looking forward to something or made some plans that are now null and void because of something someone else did? Did that person understand what this meant to you? True surprises aside, it’s often easy for someone to dismiss something you didn’t seem to really care about. There can be a fine line between complaining and explaining. But if you’re genuinely upset, I think it’s okay to risk it. Avoiding the conversation doesn’t give you the power to avoid disappointment. If nothing else, it just forces you to avoid a resolution. Sometimes some things cannot be fixed. But a sincere “I’m sorry” can go a long way.

Regardless of the reason/cause, it’s best for the ones you love to know something they’ve done has hurt you. If nothing else it’s a reminder that even the perpetually calm have feelings. Perceived indifference and lack of emotion (good or bad) comes off cold. If you’re hurting, the last thing you want is someone thinking you don’t care (or, worse, you couldn’t…).

It’s not fair to anyone to feel the need to judge their own, honest feelings for or about the people they want in their lives. And it’s not fair to the people you supposedly care about and trust to hide your true feelings. Relationships need to be uncomfortable at times. If they’re not, someone’s not being honest. It’s impossible to avoid disappointment. The best we can all do is pick our battles and not punk out for the sake of perception.

Hoping to count to 3 and respond, rather than 3 million and blow up,

Jo’van

January 7, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: avoid, bury, cliche, cold, confidence, disappoint, disappointment, emotions, family, feeling, flake, friends, get over, hurt, love, swallow . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

The World…As I See It: 1.1.11 Follow the Trend

9-year-old Ice Skating to “Whip My Hair” By Willow Smith. Between the skater being adorable, the song being a late 2010 hit, it being one of the big songs during the bar New Year’s celebrations and the fact that it’s supposed to be about being comforatble with yourself, I couldn’t resist.

Another year has passed. The good, the bad and the ugly have all happened. But in the end (as always), I emerged victorious. I’ve loved. Hated. Feared. Cheered. Been praised and berated. Questioned my worth and counted my blessings. 2010 was a good year. Now enter 2011.

I wish I could be more philosophical. But I’m momentarily at a loss. I currently have almost everything I’ve ever wanted. (If I don’t have it, I’m on track to…) All things considered, there are six crucial components of my life. With each, there’s some definite work to be done but things are promising:

1.) Family: I jokingly complain about my large, very 90s family, especially around Christmas. Having ten people in your immediate family is no Christmas shopping joke. But I’m blessed to have all four of my parents and six of my siblings (and now my brother-in-law and niece, not to mention the grandmas…). We all look, sound, think and feel differently but there’s a spoken (and unspoken) bond: love. Over the years, I’ve learned to live only in my current “life”, allowing all other things from former or “other” lives to slip into the subconscious. I believe that probably came from toggling between homes, parents, siblings, bedrooms, parts of the country. However, it just takes that one trip home to remind me how unnecessary that coping mechanism is at this point in my life. As with every year, in 2011, I resolve to stay in better contact with the people who have to love me. For whatever awkwardness I ever felt about randomly reaching out, I can now cope out with Facebook. It’s better than nothing…

2.) Friends: Simply put I have wonderful friends. And as much as I may not like to admit and/or adapt to it, relationships change. The people I’ve grown to love and trust, I’ll always love and trust but we’re not always going to mean the same things to each other. Rather than fight that reality, I’m learning to be thankful for what I had and who I shared it with. When you stop working with someone or living with someone or regularly hanging out with someone, it can be difficult to “stay in touch”. I’ve always done what was easy. The people (emotionally) closest to me were often the people (physically) closest to me. As with my family, if I truly value the relationship, I have to 1.) accept things will change and 2.) not allow something to die just because it’s no longer convenient. In 2011, I resolve to be a good friend instead of sometimes just an easy one.

3.) Love: Most years, I don’t even mention this one. I’ve always wanted to be in a good relationship. But my track record was less than promising. I accepted if/when something was meant to happen, it would simply happen. I stopped hoping for it and, to be completely honest, being entirely open to it. My 2 1/2 break from everything was no joke. However, I can happily (and confidently) say, despite my best efforts, I’m in a good relationship now. I am with someone I respect, admire, am attracted to, amused by, comforted by, and am proud to be with. Even better, I believe he feels the same way about me. A healthy, honest boyfriend/girlfriend, meet your family and friends, entertain the word “we” relationship. A novel idea, I know. In 2011, I resolve to not sabotaging “us”.

4.) Career: 2009 forced major changes in my career path. From agency PR to unemployment to economic development in the last few months of the year. 2010 found me really understanding what that industry and my position meant. As with any job, not everything was perfect. But it was educational. I feel better informed and, more importantly, more confident in my skills, both technical and interpersonal. In 2011, I resolve to continue to move forward, whatever direction that might be.

5.) Faith: This one’s touchy for me. Growing up a “preacher’s daughter”, church was a big part of my life. The rules, the services, the songs, the process. But my personal faith has always been something tied to struggles. When things are well, I thank God out of obligation. But I can’t say that we really talk. When things are bad, I can’t stop talking. I know our relationship needs some work. As much as I’d like to argue that relationship could be repaired anywhere, I think I need the either the structure or the comfort of a church family. In 2011, I resolve to find my church home in Austin.

6.) Happiness: While the prior five components play a large part in defining my happiness, one big factor is simply being open to allowing it. For whatever reason(s), I’ve sought to prevent my own happiness. I don’t know if I didn’t feel I deserved or had earned it or if I was too pessimistic to trust it but I’ve been able to prevent a consistent, natural happiness with my own life. Momentary happiness is impossible to avoid. But that lasting, confident, easy contentment has often evaded me. People will always be smarter, richer, prettier, “luckier”, whatever other -er you want than me. But happier is all on me. I have family, friends, career, faith, health and an open future. Last year, I resolved to be happy. While I wasn’t perfect, I think I did pretty well. So in 2011, I resolve to be happy. Hopefully, I can follow my own trend.

Happy New Year,

Jo’van

January 1, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: boyfriend, career, church family, church home, faith, family, friends, God, happiness, Happy New Year, health, love, relationship, resolution, resolve, trend, work . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World…As I See It: Important People vs. Important Experiences

This song came on Pandora as I was proofreading and I didn’t have any other ideas for the post….

Our life is made up of essentially two things: important people and important experiences. The distinction may be too subtle to normally distinguish but it’s a concept that I’ve played with for awhile. As I see it, there are people who mean something to you and memories that mean something to you and they may not always be of equal importance.

Let’s say for instance, you had a school friend growing up who decided for some reason to end the friendship. The pain, confusion of that one-sided decision may have stuck with you and taught you something. Maybe it’s that people can be flaky or not every friend is meant to be a best friend. Or you had a co-worker who routinely threw people under the bus when the pressure was on. Although you no longer wanted to have a relationship with that person, you learned something from them. You learned how to cover your ass and be prepared to avoid people like that in the future. Or an ex who liked you best in a t-shirt, jeans and no make-up. Maybe from/with him you learned other people could see you as pretty without all of the artificial additions. A stranger checking you ID at the airport told you you should smile more b/c your smile’s so nice on your license. (That’s actually happened but in my defense I wasn’t smiling b/c it was 6 in the morning and I was the airport…)

Then we switch to the people. Maybe there was a special teacher who was the first person not blood related to to see your potential and encourage you. An old friend you grew apart from but had no problem starting up where you left off 10 years later. An ex who made you realize it is possible to hate someone you love. A choir director you thought hated you but it was just that they expected more of you. A boss who knew you were worth more than your paycheck.

The possibilities could be endless and easily intermingled. Generally important people are a part of our important experiences. The distinction for me is whether I think more about how I felt and what I learned than what they said and where they are now. Everyone enters our lives for a reason. Some are meant to teach us something and disappear into the sea of faces while others are specially designed for us and our needs. Count your blessings for the important people wherever they may be and however long it’s been since they touched your life.

Jo’van

May 9, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: forget, friends, hate, important experiences, important people, love, memories, remember, reminisce, thankful . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World…As I See It: Differing Interpretations

This song doesn’t exactly fit but I just heard it this week and wanted to share. Vivian Green’s “Save Me”

When you meet someone and get to know them, whoever they are to you is simply whoever they are. Your time, experiences, conversations define who and what that person is. Whether they’re smart, silly, mean, a hard ass or a push over, you know them. Or at least you know a part of them. I doubt most people are naïve enough to think they know everything about someone else, but you do grow to consider yourself an expert of sorts.

I recently got to know a new person. We spent enough time together for me to feel comfortable in my judgment of that person and their character. Not everything is/was perfect and positive but the negative just helps define the character. I got to know this person. Good, bad, indifferent, laughter, arguments, I got to know this person.

Along comes a mutual friend to redefine that person. They’ve known the new person longer and in different lights. The things I’d chosen to ignore were BIG deals for the friend. The issues they’d experienced were foreign to me (although I could usually see it if I really wanted to admit it). While I trust my friend and take their opinions to heart, how do I reconcile these two interpretations of one person?

Were the things I learned life altering? No. Did I just discover this person is a murderer, rapist, chronic cheater, child hater, secret prostitute/gigolo or anything that severe or ridiculous? No, not at all. They’re just not the person I believed or wanted to believe they were. The things I excused hoping they were momentary may turn out to just be genuine character flaws. So now what?

Nothing really. Unless the new information is so shocking I lose respect for the person, it’s just new information. Now, it may make me question the nature and/or intensity of my relationship with this person, but it’s not necessarily a deal breaker. It could just force new contract negotiations.

Hopefully, new information about any situation just makes you evaluate what you know and how you feel about someone. And in this case, it’s done just that for me. This new information validates the unpleasant gut feelings I had but tried to suppress while also forcing me defend things I understood better. In the end, I am a curious person. I am analytical AND emotional. I want as much information as possible to feel my opinions are valid and my reactions are aligned with reality. Sometimes that level of information can only be gleaned from other people’s perspectives. No matter how unpleasant or disappointing.

Regaining faith in my gut again,

Jo’van

April 8, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: different interpretations, evaluating, friends, new information, opinions, trusting your gut . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World…As I See It: Don’t Call Me Tiff

The Tings Tings “That’s Not My Name”

For whatever reason, I am not a fan of nicknames, especially for myself. They’re actually a big pet peeve of mine. Granted, some full names are ugly, awkward or just weird sounding but I’d still generally prefer to use them. If you like your nickname, that’s great. Let me know what to call you and I’ll do my best to remember. But don’t assume I care for mine.

I have always hated being called Tiff. As a child, the name just sounded dumb. I felt I should twist my hair around my finger and pop some gum. Now, I don’t think every Tiff is stupid, silly, whatever. I just personally preferred to be called by my full name. My parents named me Tiffany and I like it. In elementary school, it bothered me so much that the boys would call me Tiff, wait for me to get mad and yell Fanny. Okay, okay. It was pretty clever. Moving on…

Nicknames are innocent enough but I always found it interesting that people naturally assume you’d prefer to be called by a nickname of their choosing. The most common nicknames are short for whatever your “real” name is. Others are based on your personality or some shared event. Okay, okay. They can be terms of endearment BUT I still don’t feel anyone who meets me can/should feel comfortable enough to assume anything about me, like what I’d like to be called. This might all have something to do with the unattractive nicknames I’ve been given in the past like Urkelina on the junior high volleyball team but still. Anyway, I can’t help that one. I was tall, skinny, awkward with glasses and no one could remember that Steve Urkel’s cousin was actually named Mrytle…

The nickname assumption bothers me more in the workplace. Maybe it’s because I’m more concerned with being taken seriously or because I’m not always feeling automatically friendly in the office. Either way, I always notice it there. I generally don’t say anything because it’s not worth the drama but I notice. I generally like to call people whatever name they use to introduce themselves. Another good rule to follow in the office is to call people whatever name they use to sign their emails. If you’re nickname is just a respectable shortening of your real name and not some character assessment like “Smiley”, you should be fine. If you’re Fredrick and say Fred, Fred it is. But if you’re Angelica and don’t sign Angel or Angie, Angelica it is. I just ask that people follow that same rule with me. But I realize that might be asking too much (especially since I have a tendency to over-think these types of things) so I’ll just continue getting used to Tiff. If I don’t correct you or slightly grimace, you’re probably safe.

That’s not my name,

Jo’van

July 28, 2009
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: assumptions, childish, feeling stupid, friends, nicknames, pet peeve, workplace . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Office Appropriate: Laid Off…Now What?

So it looks like yesterday’s post “Strong Personality in a Weak Economy” was a bit premature or entirely too late. Either way, I no longer have to worry about whether my strong personality will be a benefit or a liability in the office. I no longer have an office to worry about at all. Today, I was officially laid off. Nice. 🙂

I signed yesterday’s post “Fingers crossed she’ll be able to make it another day/week/month/year without a meeting with HR”. Well, that didn’t exactly work all that well in my favor this morning. Sparing the non-entertaining details, I was laid off due to “the numbers.” Being analytical and structural, I can’t argue with the numbers. There might be a particular interpretation of those numbers that I take issue with….but whatever. I was given the requisite speeches and released to figure out this new chapter of my work life: packing up my office.

Why do/did I have so much stuff? If I’d thought about it, I would’ve taken a picture to share. I understand that I’ve been there for just over three years and that I’m a pack rat but really? Packing up took entirely too long, especially considering the people coming in an out to cry and say goodbye. I was given the option to pack up that day or later in the week if I didn’t want to “be around everyone.” Being the difficult, strong person I like to (pretend to) be, I decided against the “punk” route and packed up in plain view of everyone, well with my door closed…

The mixture of stifled, indignant tears, released, shameless tears, two margaritas at lunch and 104 degree weather has caused this obnoxious headache. The crying headache is one of the worst feelings I can experience. Aside from the pain itself, it reminds me of my weakness. I personally HATE crying, especially in public. No one needs to see that level of vulnerability. I’d rather (and have) cry in the middle of a large airport terminal surrounded by hundreds of strangers than in front of a good friend. Well, I had a little less control of my emotions today than I would’ve liked and I quickly bypassed my quota of zero people seeing my cry. I’m not ashamed or anything, I’m just a little disappointed in that lose of control. Oh well, what can I do about it now?

The outpouring of support from (most) people has been heartwarming and appreciated. But being laid off just sucks and there’s nothing that I can say about it that hasn’t already been said or anything that they can tell me that’s going to make me feel better about losing my job, my position, my source of income, my stability, my career. Plus, I’m still dealing with this. It’s less than 12 hours old. I’m sure I’ll be elated, depressed, excited, scared, relieved, and anxious all at some point. At this point, however, I’m just numb. I’m going through the motions, or at least what I imagine the motions to be. Who to tell, how to tell them, how to console them, how to be strong, how to be okay with being weak. It’s all a process I wasn’t planning on but have to fully accept now. And I have a pretty awe inspiring example to live up to. I don’t know if I can do it as gracefully as Robertoe but I’ll do my best….next week. 🙂

Thankful for severance pay,

Jo’van

July 8, 2009
Categories: Office Appropriate (Work Life), Quarterlife Crisis, Whole Truth, The . Tags: coworkers, economy, friends, going through the motions, hr, job loss, laid off, next steps . Author: tjovand . Comments: 3 Comments

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Broad Narrowing

The World…As I See It: Avoiding Disappointment

The World…As I See It: 1.1.11 Follow the Trend

9-year-old Ice Skating to “Whip My Hair” By Willow Smith. Between the skater being adorable, the song being a late 2010 hit, it being one of the big songs during the bar New Year’s celebrations and the fact that it’s supposed to be about being comforatble with yourself, I couldn’t resist.

The World…As I See It: Important People vs. Important Experiences

The World…As I See It: Differing Interpretations

The World…As I See It: Don’t Call Me Tiff

Office Appropriate: Laid Off…Now What?

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