Although her sound is jazzier and more sultry than I could ever write to compliment, I’d suggest listening to Diana Krall’s live version of “Temptation” while reading this post. It gives you a grown up sound to go with my refreshingly juvenile thoughts.
In line with “Reconnecting”, I had dinner with another old friend this summer. Now, this one was definitely closer to just being a friend than not. Our thing was (mostly) mental. We never were a “we”, just around each other. Everything with him was like a game. Incessant flirting, bordering inappropriate but never crossing the line because we refused to draw it. We were in a fashion show together and by the end of it, all of the models had to change in one big room, male and female. Depending on your outfit, you could be changing in front of essentially everyone, wearing nothing but a thong in between outfits. Now, I know that I was one of probably 40 female models so I don’t expect that too many of the male models were concerned with looking at me but I know we’d both looked around….
Anyway, another Facebook connection led to dinner while he was randomly in town. It was good. Nice dinner, fun to catch up. You know those people that are just entertaining? The ones that make every single conversation intriguing, if not worthwhile. That’s kind of how this friend is. It’d been years but it was easy. Not because we had a “connection” but because our personalities just click, in a way with no expectations. As soon as I picked him up, we were off. Along with the clicking came the flirting. Flirting’s innocent enough…unless of course one of you isn’t exactly single. So that may have just been the case with us but what’s a girl to do? I really miss flirting for the sake of flirting, thought provoking, fun flirting. We don’t live in the same state so it’s not like actions could really be an issue. Just innocent words at dinner….and maybe a few more after dinner but whatever.
As a part of our later conversations, one thing in particular stuck out to me, probably because I was flattered although I don’t know if I should have been. He told me it’s a good thing that we wouldn’t get another chance to see each other because I would be temptation. Temptation, really? Me? That just sounded so odd. Flattering but odd? I could come up with an endless number of descriptions for myself but I can guarantee you “temptation” wouldn’t make the list. Not wanting to make matters any worse than they already seemed to be, I didn’t press the issue. Why discuss that which can’t really be dealt with or acted on? But I still wonder what, if anything, about me says “temptation”? Would it just be the fact that we were comfortable together thus making me a seemingly easy mark? Or did it have something to do with something physical about me like maybe he just has a thing for tall, smart ass, black women? Then again maybe it was just because it couldn’t, therefore it sounded perfect. Whatever the case, I was temptation. And I’m not gonna lie, I kinda liked it.
Since temptation is usually a bad thing, something you fight, I’m knew I shouldn’t have been excited about wanting to claim the description. And I doubt there’s another person that would say the same thing about me but I’m going to hold onto it, just for a little while longer. Growing up, I looked and felt like Steve Urkel from the show Family Matters; skinny, awkward and nerdy. I’ve since outgrown that look but the insecurities associated with it linger in the back of my mind. If a really attractive person even hints that they’re thinking the same thing about me, I immediately assume they’re full of shit and remove myself from the situation. I don’t need the embarrassment. That tactic has worked pretty well for me so far. But what do you do when you’re caught off guard and actually want to believe what they’re saying? An attractive person that you enjoy talking to, have a good time with tells you you’re gorgeous, hell yeah, you’re going to want to believe it. But that belief means a little less when the timing’s all wrong. That was my dilemma. And of course, this was presented in such a way that I couldn’t even enjoy it.
I have no resolution for this “issue”. I just think it’s interesting that anyone could consider me temptation. Also, I feel it’s important to say that regardless of my “tempting powers” or his, the fact that he was in a relationship was all I needed to know. Sure, I could’ve played ignorant or worse, just not cared. I mean I didn’t know her. I would probably never have to meet her or feel all that guilty. But who in the world needs that karma? I’m being kicked around enough for other things. Why embrace that level of bad shit with open arms? Just flirting probably crossed a line I’ll recognize and pay for later. I don’t have to know her to respect them. But if I didn’t feel that way…..
Diana’s singing my sentiments exactly,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 