Rob Thomas “Somthing to Be” Live
“Personal Self-Worth”. Yes, I know it’s redundant but I think there’s usually a significant difference between how one defines oneself to others and how one defines oneself to themself. (So many “selfs”) Your public persona is often very different from the one you face in the mirror alone in your bathroom in the morning or evening (depending on when you’re most self-reflective).
—Warning: This post sounds quite melodramatic. I know. And while I mean evertything I’ve written, they’re not the only things I believe about myself (or anyone else for that matter). I just have too much time on my hands to explore the extremes right now. I’m sure a “I’m F-ing Awesome” post will follow shortly. Just you wait. But with people constantly asking “How are you doing”, sometimes I just want to actually say what’s going on in my head. For now, I’ll just write parts of it.—
When you’re given those personality tests with endless lists of qualities to check off or rank for yourself, what do you always say? I’m always things like strong, opinionated, detail-oriented, cautious, rational. I’m structural and analytical. Anal and organized, cold and serious. My personality tests read like a resume. I sound like the ideal employee to sit in a corner with stacks of papers, a computer, her iPod and the occasional phone call. When in “real life”, I’m nothing if not emotional and desiring to be around other people. Sure, I still come off cold and calculated but that’s because I’ve found people don’t react to fiercely emotional very well. At least with the alternative, I only give up sensitive information when I feel like volunteering it. I’m very rarely asked out right. I imagine that’s because people don’t think I really think (or feel) about those types of things, whatever they may be.
So if I was going to make a list of my “real” characteristics, I’m not sure I’d be able to be that honest with myself. My entire life (as short and uneventful as it’s been) has been built around being in control. I had goals and found ways to easily achieve them. I’ve always been an above average student, a capable employee and a loyal friend. Give me something to do and I’ll simply do it. Need something from me and I’ll simply give it. Now I’m not saying I am always the best but I am nothing if not dependable. Friends get to see the bitchier side but I think they all know if it ever came down to it, my personal opinions and sharp words really wouldn’t mean a thing. But I digress…
My recent job loss was a jolt to my ego, personal self-worth, life-gauge. I did well in high school to get a scholarship for college. I was a high-performing and well-rounded student in college to get a good job upon graduation. I got that good job and moved to a new city to pursue my “future.” I maintained two jobs for nearly three years to be “responsible” and pay off more of my debt. I avoided all things that could get me in trouble, derail me from my goals, negatively affect my future. I didn’t get into relationships because I told myself I needed to “focus”. I didn’t really “enjoy” the time in my life to be acceptably “stupid” or “naive.” And what do I have to show for it now? An apartment full of novelty items that don’t really mean much or provide any comfort, suffocating bills, a desk covered with papers about unemployment, COBRA, contacting creditors, canceled plane tickets, revised resumes and job applications. My life could be 100 times worse but I’m not in the mood to worry about others right now. One of my developing characteristics is relentless selfishness and self-pity. It’s really not attractive.
I was never the pretty one or the athletic one. Never the nice one or the bubbly one. The super smart one or the smooth talker. I was always just the one with the plan and usually the means to accomplish it. Smart enough to get by and pleasant enough to not be completely anti-social. My skills and planning, research and execution made me seem lucky or at least hard-working. Now what? Now what am I? Will getting another job right my world or will this feeling of inadequacy stick with me for a while? I don’t really know but since I don’t want to talk about it, it’ll probably manifest itself in another character flaw, my bitchy desire to push people away when that’s the last thing I need to be doing. But recognizing the problem is the first step, right?
And what makes me inadequate? In this time of stress and drama, I’m not comparing myself to someone or everyone else with some measurable goal in mind. I’m comparing myself to what I think I should be doing and that’s the truly unattainable goal. How can I have a goal if I don’t have a plan? And at this point, my only plan is to get another job that will allow me to use the skills I’ve spent a few years developing and to pay off the debt I’ve spent the same few years collecting.
Of course, no job should define a person and mine never defined me. I am not and never will be software PR. But when having a job that justifies most of your life choices is no longer an option, then what? I have to really like the “personal” parts of myself? That means I have to deal with the not so great parts also. No fun. This job search is another test of my ability to like myself. I’m having to learn to sell myself all over again. It’s been three wonderful years of just doing something, not having to really think about it and why I’m the perfect one to be doing it (or not).
If only my self-worth could be in something tangible and easily adjusted like my looks. Haha. Just kidding. That would probably suck more…
My personal self-worth lies in the ability to stress about all of these things and still just do my thing, whatever it may be. In this case it’s market my marketing abilities. A true test, I guess.
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 