A couple of months ago, I celebrated 3 years with my boyfriend! (Shock and applause) Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs but if our biggest issues are dirty socks on the floor and not making the bed, I’d say we’re doing pretty well. From the noted issues, you can probably surmise that we’re living together. Cohabitating!!! (Still a scary thought…)
I know people have very mixed feelings about living together before marriage. If you’re against it, I’d never argue the issue with you. To each his/her own. Just a few thoughts:
- Living in Sin – Sure, maybe. But is sinning and splitting the rent any worse than sinning and driving home a little later?
- Waiting for Marriage – Not every couple is looking (or should be looking) to get married. I found a button a few years ago that still makes me chuckle. It reads ‘It’s not premarital sex if I’m not planning to get married.”
But I digress…How my boyfriend and I came to cohabit followed a series of events including floods, roommates deciding to cohabit with significant others, motorcycle accidents, friends possibly moving into town, and cat allergies. But ultimately, we simply decided the benefits outweighed the potential risks. After two years, all is well…
The free and generally unwarranted advice giver in me, Mama Jov’an if you will, would never suggest moving in with someone so early, Sure, some people know after 6 months (or weeks!) that this is the person they want to marry, but for us, moving in together after just a year was not in either of our “plans”. Life happened and we adjusted accordingly. My plan didn’t include sharing a living room until an engagement ring was on my finger. Oh well…
As this was the first time I’d lived with a boyfriend, some of the necessary adjustments seemed like huge inconveniences. What do you mean you don’t over analyze EVERYTHING the way I do? We’ve had “conversations” about everything from laundry not in the hamper, dishes not in the dishwasher, toilet seats not being down, egg shells, type(s) of milk, shoes not put away and on and on. As you can possibly imagine, these “conversations” are actually hints/complaints. I wouldn’t say I care more than he does. I just care about more things than he does. (Did you like how I did that?…)
To give him his due credit, my boyfriend is awesome and has made more adjustments for me than I could probably name off (although I’m sure he’d have no problem listing them). He has been very respectful of my particularities (rather than peculiarities). There may be many more things I like to add to the list of things “we” have to work on to live in perfect harmony but he’s been a trooper. And we’ll both continue learning how to adapt to each other and sharing our space. I, of course, was already perfect so….
As we expected, our parental units were/are not too keen on our current life style choice. My mother gave us an oh-so-subtle deadline for engagement (that we’ve already passed…). His father has applied similar pressures. His grandmother has no words and mine have no knowledge. The only parent who didn’t seem too upset was my stepmother. She just asked how it was going. However, my favorite response so far has been my dad’s.
After recovering from the shock of learning we were living together, my dad proceeded to tell me how he’d really liked girlfriends but never enough to sacrifice his freedom. He informed me my boyfriend’s friends would expect to visit and stay (not understanding that had happened before he officially lived with me and my bathroom had been destroyed). There was some more uncomfortable fatherly blustering before the crown jewel was delivered. My dad warned me not to “assume wifely duties”.
It took everything in me not to laugh at that moment. It was really funny but I was trying to be sensitive to his current state of mind. While I was SO curious what exactly he meant by “wifely duties”, I decided to let it go and have chosen to assume he meant things like doing my boyfriend’s laundry and all of the cooking and cleaning. I understand and respect my dad’s concerns. He’s probably worrying about milks before cows… And while I wasn’t at the time we moved in together, I will be ready for marriage one day and will want more or to get out. However, I’m okay with a trial run.
And that’s what this really is – a trial run. We’re learning if we can live together. If we really struggle, we wouldn’t expect things to get magically better by introducing rings and a stressful, expensive ceremony. And if we’re living together, it’s natural (and healthy) to assume we’re grocery shopping together, cooking together, sharing a closet and hamper and doing laundry together. It’s all a give and take. Some things are either more important or more interesting to one of us than the other. (Because I read clothing labels and he doesn’t) I’d rather do the laundry. As I know nothing about my car, he’d rather fix a headlight. I like trying out new recipes and don’t mind cooking for both of us (although to be fair, he cooks a lot and helps me). And he’s willing to walk my cockapoo when I’m running late. He’s also sweet enough to put the seat back down. Swoon
Dirty socks and dog poop are the less exciting parts of living together. But we’re happy to help each other and are well on our way to figuring out how to do this.
Waiting for the dryer to finish,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 