The World…As I See It: Important People vs. Important Experiences

This song came on Pandora as I was proofreading and I didn’t have any other ideas for the post….

Our life is made up of essentially two things: important people and important experiences.  The distinction may be too subtle to normally distinguish but it’s a concept that I’ve played with for awhile.  As I see it, there are people who mean something to you and memories that mean something to you and they may not always be of equal importance.

Let’s say for instance, you had a school friend growing up who decided for some reason to end the friendship.  The pain, confusion of that one-sided decision may have stuck with you and taught you something.  Maybe it’s that people can be flaky or not every friend is meant to be a best friend.  Or you had a co-worker who routinely threw people under the bus when the pressure was on.  Although you no longer wanted to have a relationship with that person, you learned something from them.  You learned how to cover your ass and be prepared to avoid people like that in the future.  Or an ex who liked you best in a t-shirt, jeans and no make-up.  Maybe from/with him you learned other people could see you as pretty without all of the artificial additions.  A stranger checking you ID at the airport told you you should smile more b/c your smile’s so nice on your license.  (That’s actually happened but in my defense I wasn’t smiling b/c it was 6 in the morning and I was the airport…)

Then we switch to the people. Maybe there was a special teacher who was the first person not blood related to to see your potential and encourage you.  An old friend you grew apart from but had no problem starting up where you left off 10 years later.  An ex who made you realize it is possible to hate someone you love.  A choir director you thought hated you but it was just that they expected more of you.  A boss who knew you were worth more than your paycheck.

The possibilities could be endless and easily intermingled.  Generally important people are a part of our important experiences.  The distinction for me is whether I think more about how I felt and what I learned than what they said and where they are now.  Everyone enters our lives for a reason.  Some are meant to teach us something and disappear into the sea of faces while others are specially designed for us and our needs.  Count your blessings for the important people wherever they may be and however long it’s been since they touched your life.

Jo’van

May 9, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Friendly Drama: When I Didn’t Know Any Better

I couldn’t help myself.  🙂

Okay, okay.  Something a little more serious.  Oh, classic Mariah, brunette, seemingly sane, fully equip with choir and everything.  “Anytime You Need a Friend”

Earlier this summer, I had the opportunity to hang out with two friends from Nashville in Chicago (confused yet?).  I’ve known one of the ladies since 7th grade and the other since 9th, 13 and 11 years consecutively. Those numbers seem like an eternity to a 25 year old.  Just knowing someone for 3 years sounds like a significant amount of time.  Over 2 years?  Okay, you’re verified as a friend.  What does more than a decade mean?

If you were lucky/unlucky enough to live in one area and attend area schools your entire elementary education, you may have people you’ve realistically known since kindergarten.  I don’t mean to take anything away from those people but since I didn’t, 7th grade would have to be my longest maintained relationship and it sounds pretty significant to me.

These ladies have known me for (nearly) half of my life.  They’ve seen me fight, cry, yell, stare, run, and smile.  We’ve seen each other through puberty, AP tests, custody battles, puppy love, first loves, college applications, driver’s licenses, parties, prom, and leaving all of that behind for college.  We fell apart during those college years, casually seeing each other when we were all back home but it was never the same.  And as sad as that realization may have been, there was still something that made us come back together (hoping).  I always wondered what that was exactly.  Obviously, we’d all changed and no longer had the classroom to force us together.  What was it that made me still call her “my friend”?  And actually mean it?

Spending that evening together made me realize what it might be.  Intoxicated by wine, nostalgia, good food and ridiculous conversations, we quickly moved past the awkward “so how have you been over the last X years?”  Within the time of a rerun of Family Matters, we were back in the place of giddy adolescents.  Sure, we’ve all changed, grown up, gotten master’s degrees or “real jobs”, physically filled out, moved past pimples and onto real relationships, taken on new responsibilities and the like.  BUT we also all loved not having to worry about that in each other’s company.  We reverted to gossiping, giggling, smart-ass 15-year-olds, fueled by slumber party antics.  Just trying to take a group picture at the end of the night was a monumental feat.  We simply could not stop laughing.  And it felt SO good.  🙂  Laughing at nothing but ourselves.

Anyway, that evening made me realize why we  should, or at least why I still do, hold onto these types of friendships for so long.  It’s not because these people really play a big role in your life now.  I’m not saying they’re not important or that they couldn’t reclaim their roles of indispensable friends.  It’s just that your life operates just fine without their daily/weekly/monthly interaction.  But when you are with them you can become a person you haven’t been for a long time, since you really knew each other.  You get to not be a “real” grown up.  You get to talk about gossip, not just politics, outfits, not just bills, crushes, not just relationships, life, not just drama.  These are the people that knew you when you didn’t know any better AND still liked you.  These are the friends who knew you pre-filter, pre-adult judgment, pre-responsibilities, pre-grown up.

All other friends I’ve made since these ladies and our core/clique have known me in some part of my transition from child to adult.  Sure, these types of “pure” friendships are possible with people you meet past the age of , say, 16.  But they require a type of trust we learn to not give so freely as we get older.  For that reason, there may never be anything like the relationships you have/had with the people who knew the child who knew everything, rather than the adult who realizes they know very little.

Thankful people still liked me when I didn’t know any better,

Jo’van

July 19, 2009
Categories: Friendly Drama (The Ones You Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Reconnecting

I keep daydreaming.  But not the kind of fanciful, wistful dreaming.  It’s the potential conversation kind.  You know preparing the answers for the questions you’ll never be asked.  How would I respond to statement 1 vs 2?  Does that warrant regal and stoic or just straightforward and unedited?  Shit. Not again.

I recently reconnected with an “ex” via Facebook.  (The term “ex” is relative to someone who does her best to avoid relationships but I feel it’s the best fit right now so I’m sticking with it.  Plus, “a little more than a friend” is just too long.)  The wonders of social media bring people you forgot, tried to forget, never really knew or have never met into clear view and easy access.  It’d been almost 3 years since we’d seen each other, 4 since we’d really talked.  So seeing his name in my inbox was a bit surprising, unnerving, intriguing.  He’d recently moved to the city my father lives in and wanted to connect the next time I go out to visit.  Unbeknownst to him, I had a trip planned out there the following month.  We didn’t exactly end on bad terms so I said “what the hell?”  Let’s find out what he’s been up to.

Of course at this point, you start to reevaluate your current situation.  What if he looks amazing, is married to a former supermodel-turned-broker, has a child destined for Mensa,  and an unbelievable job?  What am I going to be able to say/show for myself?  Sure, I am gainfully employed and enjoy my job but for how long? The economy’s still really shaky.  I think I look pretty good right now but I only had so much to work with in the beginning.  I’ve done pretty much all I can for myself for free.  I’m in debt up to my eyeballs but have still managed to maintain a healthy shopping problem.  My “music” is not moving in any direction.  I can’t really speak to any amazing relationships I have/had.  In fact, I haven’t really done anything that interesting since he knew me, just followed my short term plan and ended up in Austin, TX with a platonic wife (he knows), our dog children and two jobs.

I must say that I know that my life does not suck.  I am blessed to have the people and things I do around me.  It’s just that people from the past really make me question my current.  What have I done since they knew me?  Have I grown up? Regressed? Sold out? Bought in? Conformed? Reformed? Calmed down? Gotten feistier? Completely done a 180?  Depending on who you talk to and how long ago they knew me, it could be any of these things.  Of course at this time, I was only concerned with the different person I might have been with/to him.

Anyway, I kind of stressed about it but gave up on that after a while.  I didn’t have it in me to buy into my own questions.  If I’ve changed, I’ve changed.  I can only hope it’s for the better.  I could, on the other hand, now concern myself with how he might’ve changed.  So what if he’s not the successful, beautiful husband and father?  What if he’s just normal?  Then what?  If he’s changed for the better or worse, I can pretty much handle that.  It’s a new person, a new situation.  But what if nothing much has changed?  What if I look at him and still see the person who caught my attention at a conference in Miami in 2004?   Then I could be in trouble.  I don’t know if/how I can prepare for that.

There are few people I loathe.  (I’d say hate but loathe seems more refined…) Those people have done something to hurt me.  Everyone else, exes, old friends, etc, has pretty much just faded into the past.  You miss the memories of being with them but don’t regret any of it or make any real efforts to recreate them.  But what about when they come back into your life?  How do you handle introducing the new you to someone who knew the old one?  I don’t have any answers or resolutions for this.  I’m just wondering.

Now, this “ex”, I don’t know what that was/is.  We saw each other and it was good, completely comfortable, almost too comfortable.  We’re talking again but I’m not looking for this to move beyond talking.   I’ve learned expectations are a waste of time.  Just to be talking again is odd.  I never thought I’d see him again so this is just an interesting situation as it stands.  We’ve both changed but not so extremely that we didn’t recognize each other or our connection.  It was more of a revelation that I hadn’t changed as much as I like to think I had.  He still knew me.  I wonder how many other people still know me despite the growing pains I’ve experienced and possibly blown out of proportion?

Reminiscing,

Jo’van

June 12, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

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