The inspiration for this song may be a little different but in the end, Luther and I are saying the same thing. Make the most of your current situation. Luther Vandross “Love the One You’re With”
Recently I’ve been mulling over the idea of making happiness a choice. People regularly seem to make conscious decisions to be unhappy, to focus on only the negative, to point out the faults of all those around them. Is it possible to do the opposite? Can you choose to be happy?
I’m not asking if we should choose to be delusional. If something is wrong in your life, it’s simply wrong. But following excellent grandma advice, why don’t more people spend time counting their blessings than listing their hardships? If I counted my blessings instead of sheep to go to sleep, I’d always get to sleep. They’re somewhat endless if I’m being honest and not selfish.
It seems for many people (myself often included) identifying your issues with a situation is always easier than finding comfort in what’s right. Although this could apply to any possible life situation, as evident by the responses to a recent Facebook post along the same lines, it’s easy to equate this with romantic situations/relationships. And why not? People have a tendency to “settle” in romantic relationships probably more than any other situation. Family: Well, you’re born with them. Friends: You chose them and losing them is sad but maybe not the worse thing ever. Work: Most people would enjoy doing something else but you’re getting a paycheck so… But boyfriends/girlfriends: You’re investing time and it can be difficult to admit that was a poor investment. I’ve done it. I’ve settled in the past for the chance at a fulfilling relationship only to be filled full of anger, hurt or absolute indifference. Luckily, I’m not currently in a situation like that. 🙂 But I can understand the jumping to conclusions, people.
Anyway….My point is regardless of the type of situation you find yourself in can you choose to be happy? To make the most of it and roll with the punches? What does being miserable at work do for you? Either look for another position or suck it up. Bosses aren’t always going to see your potential or value your opinion and co-workers are not always going to work as hard as you do. If you’re currently having a “thing” with a friend or family member, do you love that person enough to just squash it? Sure, it may be something that needs to be dealt with so it’s not repeated but rather than fight to win, can you just fight to move on? It’s exceptionally hard to pay your bills right now. Is stressing about it going to help in any way? Can you just be thankful that it’s “barely” instead of “impossible”? You’ve gained weight or are losing your hair. Sure, we’d all like to look or best but do you really look “bad” or just not your ideal? I’m sure you get my point.
Pessimism is part of my “thing”. I’m a smart-ass who doesn’t let things slide and revels in tearing things apart. However, that personality type is often very unhappy as well. Sure, my reaction can cause a few laughs for others but it’s usually at the expense of someone/something else. By making a conscious choice to be happy, I’m also having to make a conscious choice to be less judgmental. I think that’s going to be hard….
I don’t really care for Keyshia Cole or Lil Kim but for whatever reason whenever I stress about my roommate I have to remind myself sometimes I just have to “Let It Go”
Over the last 10 months or so, my roommate and I have been having “issues” to say the least. While her change in relationship status (and seemingly ever-present boyfriend) played a big part in those changes, the greater issues lie in our inability to communicate and respect each other’s feelings. Bills are paid on time. The common space is kept clean. The dogs are loved and cared for. Music/TV are kept at reasonable volume levels. For all of the points on paper, the things I would’ve told my residents in college to consider, we are good roommates. However, on the irrational/emotional level, not so much.
On a purely selfish level, I wish her boyfriend would vacate the picture. He drives me crazy in an extremely passive way. But he’s a nice guy who seems to have his shit together and she seems happy with him. So I wouldn’t really wish that. Instead for months, I told myself I needed either less of him around or more reasons to not be around myself. I simply feel uncomfortable with him/them. But that passive aggressive reaction has only caused what feels like an ulcer and hours of complaining to those around me. So rather than carry this feeling of discomfort in my own home into our new place (lease to be signed tomorrow), I’ve decided to accept I’ve lost my wife and gained just a roommate.
Our current apartment has a nice set-up for roommates. The bedrooms are large with massive closets and our own bathrooms. We only share the living space. Unfortunately, the common space is very small. Whenever I come home and they’re on the couch, I feel like I’m nearly in their lap. (I’d say laps but it really seems like a single unit most of the time…) Because I feel so uncomfortable, I rarely spend any time with them. In fact, unless we’re sitting at the dining room table, I’m never around them. It just feels awkward and not important to anyone but me. He spends more time on the couches I haven’t paid off yet than I do. For some reason, I see that as a problem.
When she became serious about this guy, I wanted to like him. I love my roommate. If someone is important to her, I hope I can like them and at least be happy around them. It’s rare that I haven’t liked a close friend’s significant other. There have been some I wouldn’t necessarily care to be around alone. But generally, I’ve liked them, been able to laugh with them and carry on small talk. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that way about my roommate/ex-wife’s boyfriend. Our conversations are strained, our personalities clash and he’s in our apartment a lot. But as she so eloquently put it after a big argument, she knew we wouldn’t be friends so she saw no need in even trying to facilitate that. So I’ve been given the out. I don’t have to like him. But he is here quite often. How do I at least deal with him/them?
First, I had to figure out/decide what my major issue was. Was he the root of our problems or was it us? As much as he may annoy me :-), he’s not our issue. She seemingly turned into a different person upon entering this relationship and I didn’t/haven’t adjusted as quickly. While there are things she’s done that I feel are just plain wrong (and I recognize that I’ve done such things as well), she’s still a good roommate. She’s just a shitty wife…to me. (She seems great with him now.) When we used to talk to each other about our days, she only talks to him. When we used to go grocery shopping together and fix meals for both of us, she now cooks with her man every evening for the two of them. When she would go out with me and our friends, she now spends 99% of her time with him alone. (I have to give her the 1% when she shocks everyone and actually comes out.) When I’m really annoyed, I feel she’s turned into the type of woman who lives to work and be with her man but I understand that’s not really the case. She’s just busy and this new relationship is a priority and an escape. Either way, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it and more importantly, it’s really none of my business. If she’s happy, she should do whatever she wants. She’s apparently happy in this relationship. I just don’t think I was ready for the swift change in our relationship because of it. (I might, in fact, be a little jealous.) I just need to focus on the parts that are my business. Only my life, my comfort and my relationship with her should be my concerns.
Anyway, most people seem to ignore the rest of the world when they’ve entered the honeymoon stage of a relationship. When you do it, you’re simply “getting to know this new person, fostering the relationship”. When you’re single (or co-dependent) and one of your friends does it, they’re “ignoring the people who’ve always been there for them.” Either way, you emerge and after a few snide remarks, your relationships are intact or they’re gone and weren’t all that strong to begin with.)
So with all of this drama and discomfort, why would I sign another 12 month lease with her (and her boyfriend)? That’s a very good question. And the answer could simply be money. Having quit my 2nd job, my finances wouldn’t allow me to live by myself right now. My car note will be paid off in a year and even if I don’t get a raise (since the economy still sucks), I will be able to afford to live (comfortably) on my own next year. Until then, having a roommate is the smartest move I could make. That’s not to say we won’t want to live together in a year (but it’s a distinct possibility…). And you know what? I already have a great roommate. And a great friend. I’m just struggling with signing the divorce papers.
There WILL be more issues this year. I am not naive enough to believe there won’t be. What I’ve had to do is simply realize we don’t think alike. There are things I consider to be courtesy that she considers a given. And there are things she considers normal that would never cross my mind. If it were me and my mother and/or friend were planning to stay in our small apartment for nearly two weeks, I’d want to ask her rather than inform her (although fully expecting an “of course, no problem”). And if it were her and I had someone over all of the time, she’d probably never say anything about it as long as that person were respectful of her space. After knowing each other for 8 years, we both should know better but obviously we don’t always. There’s always room for growth.
We met in the fall of 2002, randomly selected roommates at Iowa State. Terrified my first roommate would be a whore, a freak, really annoying or disgusting, I was very pleased to have her. She was smart, sweet, compassionate and easy to live with. Sharing one room can be very difficult. To survive with your sanity, you have no choice but to be very cognizant of your roommate and their mannerisms. What about you and the world makes them tick? What habits can and should you avoid to maintain balance? What can’t you stand? And how do you communicate that respectfully? These are the types of things I worked with my residents to figure out as an RA. It’s time (in fact months past time) that we went back to being first roommates and second friends if it happens to work out that way. I wouldn’t go as far as a contract but we might just need to talk it all out, as opposed to just parts when we’re angry.
*Plus, the last two months have been really stressful for her. As a good friend and a decent roommate, I owe her some allowances. She did afterall deal with my depressed/angry/hurt phase this summer after being rejected and laid off. When she recovers from this, though, we’re officially starting over. I value our relationship and really hope another 12 months will not be the death of it. I’ll do my part to prevent that from happening but also realize I can’t/shouldn’t be the only one feeling this pressure. I guess we have 12 months to decide if this is such a good idea…
Excited to move out of an apartment and into a great house,
Jo’van
…Although I will say it would be WONDERFUL if they spent more time at his place. Sometimes it’s nice to pretend/feel like you live alone…
It’s no wonder this song wasn’t released in the US. Too many of her fans would’ve been offended. But I like this song by Shania Twain nevertheless. Or maybe b/c of it…
For three years, I’ve worked a part-time retail job. The store and brand aren’t all that important to this post but let’s just say it’s the outlet arm of a high-end women’s clothing store. (Mentioning high-end is important because some customers seem to expect above and beyond customer service for potentially spending hundreds of dollars on 4 items. But please remember, just because I work for a high-end brand, I don’t necessarily make – or care that you make – high-end money.)
Anyway, one day, a customer annoyed me. Okay, I know that can’t possibly be all that surprising but it was nevertheless the motivation for this post. Upon complaining to my co-workers, the three of us devised a list of retail annoyances. I thought we’d come up with ten or so and I’d provide witty explanations or examples. However, we came up with about 35. So here’s just a list of some of them. Keep in mind lists like these are the reasons that I think EVERYONE should work in food and our retail at some point in their youth. (Most of these points apply strictly to women but I’m sure for every one of those, men’s store associates could substitute something for the opposite sex.)
1.) Cell phones – Please suspend your conversation at the register (or at least pretend like you tried). Also, please don’t shout as you walk through the store. If you’re hearing or reception are that bad, you might need to go to the doctor or your provider’s store instead of mine.
2.) Disrespecting the clothes YOU just tried on. There’s absolutely no need or justifiable reason to ball clothes up in a corner of the fitting room bench or throw them on the floor. You came into our store partly b/c you liked the display. It seems the same people that ball clothes up and throw them on the floor expect us to find another size 4 that not dirty/creased. Hmmm, I wonder how they got that way.
3.) Hanging clothes inside out. I know I shouldn’t complain about you hanging them back up but seriously, inside out? You knew that was wrong. If you’re putting up the effort, at least do it in a way that makes us like you.
4.) Personal trash in a fitting room. Does a fitting room with $200+ items seem like an appropriate trash can? If so, you have bigger issues to discuss.
5.) (Probably one of my top pet peeves) Make-up and deodorant stains you caused. If I put a clean white shirt in your fitting room and retrieve a foundation-stained now to be considered “damaged” shirt, I blame you. Either not wear make-up when you shop or plan to be responsible for you stains. It’s not our fault you feel you need to hide your face. And don’t tell me your make-up is just a little color. We never find eyeshadow stains. And deodorant rubs off. Don’t stain it and then ask me to check for another medium b/c this one’s stained. I KNOW it was you.
6.) Kids running wild. We’re not a daycare. Period. I don’t care how cute they are (or you THINK they are). A knocked-over mannequin is a liability I don’t want to deal with.
7.) Questioning associates’ product knowledge. It’s our job to know our product. At my store, it’s also our job to know our fabrics, cuts, the way things fit, and the sizes. If I suggest something, don’t argue with me based on what you think your size SHOULD be. Feel free to make your own choices but don’t disagree until you’ve TRIED it on. Trust me, I don’t care what size you wear, just that it looks good on you. When you wear our product, you’re representing our brand, a walking billboard if you will. It’s in our best interest to send you out looking good. We want more business. When someone likes what you’re wearing, they don’t ask you what size. They want to know the brand.
8.) Disrupting display walls. Our store has cube walls where surplus items are folded and displayed. Trust me, if an item is in the wall, it’s also somewhere on the floor. There is absolutely NO REASON to unfold items in the wall, especially if they’re TAPED. People don’t seem to grasp that concept.
9.) Arguing policies. Unfortunately, at the individual store level, we don’t exactly have the ability to change corporate policies. If a special situation arises, a store manager might be able to make an executive decision but if it’s just b/c you changed your mind or didn’t pay attention to the policy posted at the counter, explained by the associate BEFORE they swiped your card AND printed on the receipt YOU signed, I’m sorry but you should just be SOL. No one forced you to buy our product thus agreeing to our policies.
10.) Unnecessarily disrupting racks. There is absolutely no need to pull out every fourth item so that a rack looks like an alternating deck of cards. There is no need to hang an item backward. You’re adult enough to recognize directionality. There is no need to knock an item onto the floor, look at it, and ignore it. You did it. I SAW you.
11.) Coming out in undergarments (or less) to ask a question or show me something. You are NOT AT HOME. Put some clothes on. I don’t care how good your body looks, how much money you’ve spent to make it look that way, or that you have a superb level of self-confidence. Don’t assume that my position in retail places me below, envious or subservient to you. I might just ignore you until you decide to respect my vision and put some clothes on.
12.) Complaining to an associate about just about anything. The prices: trust me, if they’re high, we probably don’t pay them either. The fits of the clothes: we don’t design them. Not everything fits us either. Your weight: we didn’t make you eat that extra cheeseburger or whole pie whatever the case might be…
13.) Entering a store within ten minutes of closing time. We may be all about customer service but we’ve also just stood for 8 hours on cement floors selling clothes we probably can’t afford. We want to go home. Don’t apologize and then proceed to move at a snail’s pace around the store, try on half of the product and not buy anything. Believe me when I say that we will hate you.
14.) Guilty holding. Yes, we know that you tried on 25 items you knew (and trust me, we knew you knew) you weren’t going to buy. But don’t feel the need to hold something just b/c you feel bad. It’s fine. We get it. Allow us to put that item back with your other 24 balled-up, deodorant stained items. There’s no need to get our hopes up that you might actually come back.
In addition, please remember that other industries are very similar to retail. In certain aspects, pharmacy and banking are right up our alley. My roommate is a bank teller and had these few thoughts to add.
-Don’t approach her station without your deposit/withdrawal slip filled out. If you have a bank account, you’re probably mature enough to realize that that’s your responsibility. But maybe not…
-Blaming tellers for your mistake. If you miss a number and they catch it, don’t yell at them. You should be so sensitive about your account(s) that you have that shit memorized.
-Don’t blame the bank for overdraft fees. Sure, some banks’ fees can be ridiculous but the concept is pretty simple. Don’t spend money you don’t have. Write things down.
I could continue but I’ll stop there. In closing, I would just like to leave you with a few thoughts.
1.) We have to greet you. Don’t ignore us or give us dirty looks. Trust me. Most of the time we’d rather not have to (especially if you look like a bitch).
2.) Our job is to assist you and maintain a store’s appearance, not to clean up after adults looking to possibly spend money.
3.) The customer is NOT always right but we have to do our best to accommodate you, NOT break rules for you.
4.) No one knows what size you are until something doesn’t fit. If you’re an 8, wear an 8 and you might look like a 6. If you’re an 8 and wear a 6, you’ll look like a 1o or 12. Cut the tags out if the sizes bother you so much. (Or god forbid, do something about it.)
The Truth: According to Jo'van 