For Suave. He requested a blog and so I wrote. 🙂
A song that actually has something to do with my post. It’s been a while. Aerosmith’s “Jaded”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…or jaded.”
Jokingly a friend said that a few months ago about an expected ending to an unfortunate romantic endeavour. While we both laughed about it, saying it out loud (or typing it as it was actually over Facebook chat) made both of us pause. (Thanks, Lesbro.) Sure getting hurt makes you more adept to recognizing the warning signs and being able to deal with something similar in the future (…stronger). BUT it’s rarely a happily learnt lesson (…jaded).
Where does the old adage originate? Was it someone trying to make another person feel better about a crappy situation? Or worse, trying to make themselves feel better? I also wonder what it pertained to. Was it romantic escapades, business ventures or family drama? And how close to killing you must something get to qualify?
Similar adages “trial by fire”, “learn from experience”,”don’t knock it ’til you try it” all teach us the same thing: to know and truly learn something (good or bad) you have to live it. Sure, sure, I get it. I can’t understand what it feels like to fall in love, fly thru the clouds or burn my finger on the stove until I’ve done it. But why should we always feel the need to try everything ourselves? In many cases, I prefer to learn from other people’s mistakes.
Having the door shut my in face both literally and metaphorically, both romantically and professionally, hurt. There’s no better way to describe it. Both affected my self-image and self-evaluation. Both made me question what I was “worth”. While these questions were temporary (because obviously I’m amazing), a hit to your psyche on that level can have lasting effects. My skin got thicker and my drive to succeed and/or be happy strengthened.
But just because those experiences didn’t kill me, the learned life lessons were not always positive. I may be stronger but I am also jaded. The blinders are off and the guards are up. Having had a boss who blamed her staff for her mistakes, I’ve learned to consider how my ass would be covered before I speak (or type) a word. Having dated a man who tore me down to build himself up, I’ve learned to be constantly defensive and wary of any compliments. Being shocked and disappointed by people I love and respect, I’m increasingly mistrusting of new “heroes”. You get the point.
Being jaded is not intrinsically a bad thing. Jaded equals smarter, protected and careful. But jaded also equals mistrusting, skeptical, and in many cases, solitary. The minimal trials and tribulations in my extremely privileged 26 years of life certainly haven’t come anywhere close to killing me. But they have changed me, some for the better, some for the worse. Do we generally ignore the latter for the sake of a saying? Or to avoid having to say anything else about it at all?
I also wonder about the flip side. Are there experiences that if they don’t last forever are good just to have had? Is “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” the counterpart to “what doesn’t kill you”? Why can’t we all just find comfort in knowing “this too shall pass” and be thankful we’ve experienced enough happiness to remind ourselves it’s possible and to remain open to it? Maybe we already do and I just wanted to share my friend’s clever, yet poignant, remark…
Considering making jade my new stone of choice,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 