Not the perfect fit but what can you do? Maroon 5 featuring Rihanna “If I Never See Your Face Again”
I’ve recently started to try to be more open to dating. I’m not overly excited by it or just saying yes but self-inflicted perpetual singledom may have reached its limit. It’s started to get a little old. I’d have to give a little credit to my roommate/ex-wife and her boyfriend. I don’t want him or even what they have. But he/they have caused me to lose my perpetually single buddy. It’s really no fun to do it alone. I could find a new lost-in-singledom comrade or, heaven forbid, abandon the title myself.
Against my own advice, I promised a friend (actually several) that I’d start being nicer to potential suitors. As with most endeavours (possibly) worth taking, there are going to be bumps, hurdles and tragic moments that eventually become great stories. In a seemingly very short period of time, I’ve re-encountered the assholes, wholly entitled, douche bags, horn dogs, swingers, dirty old men, unbelievably immature, hopelessly awkward and everything in between. I’m not expecting (or even hoping) to find the perfect man. For one thing, I have no idea what he looks like but I’m sure it’s the opposite of whatever I could come up with right now. And second, I’m not even going to pretend I’m ready for anything that grown-up. But what I am looking for is temptation.
Now, I don’t mean temptation in the completely physical sense (although that’s definitely part of it). I’m looking to be excited to see you, worry about what I’m going to wear to see you, feel motivated to do my hair, brush my teeth right before I see you, shave my legs, etc. Some of that may sound ridiculous but it’s not really. (Or I really am just ridiculous. What’s the real difference anyway?) I need to be nervous, not annoyed. And believe me, the opposite definitely happens. And how do you gracefully get out of a situation that’s moved toward annoyance?
I recently spent some time with a gentleman who’d crossed what was a line in the sand turning it into a gulf as wide as the Grand Canyon. Before I get started on this poor soul, I’ve got to be fair. He’s nice (enough), intelligent, well-educated, attentive (maybe a little too…), fluent in a language I’d love to speak, has a great career in a highly specialized area of surgery, loves to travel, and I’m sure many other things. He had a lot of the things that I imagine I’d include in a list of ideal traits in a partner. However, two very important things were missing: the physical and the emotional.
From the outside, it/we probably looked promising. He was completely “into” me (although I’d be willing to bet that was mostly physical) and he seemed to be able to keep me engaged intellectually. Sadly, that couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth. True, he was “interested” but it was nearly impossible to determine if that was just in hopes of something physical or a genuine interest in both. (Come on. Let’s just be honest. You can be as intellectually intrigued as you want to be but some level of physical has to be there to push you to continue.) I, on the other hand, wasn’t really “feeling” him and was already put off by the way we met. You see, we met on Halloween. I was intoxicated and half-naked (refer to Halloween Ho). It’s rare that I’m that intoxicated and even more rare that I have that much skin exposed in public outside of pools and beaches. The fact that I drew his continued interest that evening sent up red flags. Should I take it as a compliment? Sure. But does that mean I care to pursue it? Not really. Regardless, he ended up with my phone number and called. I had to decide if I was going to be a jerk or be a little more open. After a little mental anguish, I thought “what the hell?”
Unfortunately, this gentleman just came on way too strong and way too physically intimate. At dinner, the conversation was consistent but a little strained. We were in a booth and he kept getting closer. While I imagine he thought it was romantic, getting so close that I can’t comfortably lift my fork to eat is not hot. I like to eat. And how am I supposed to just take a bite when the conversation dies or gets awkward? Get away from me. I don’t know you. Stop staring at me. Don’t trace circles on the inside of my palm. Can’t you read I’m getting tense and ever so slightly scooting away from you? Telling me that American women are strange in the way we react to invitations and actions is not going to help your case. I am American after all. If you have all this background knowledge on our potential reactions, why feel the need to test your hypothesis on me? If you decide to stroke my face as I’m tensing up and trying to get away, PLEASE don’t try to stick your finger in my mouth! (No, I’m not kidding. He did.) One, I don’t know where those fingers have been, nor am I in a mood not to care. Two, seriously? What the hell are you doing? If I back away, don’t get more aggressive with your desire to open my jaw. When I ask you what you’re doing and tell you I’ll bite you if you try that again, don’t assume I’m being playful. I’m serious. I’ll aim to draw blood. Get away from me.
Now, I completely understand that this particular man is not normal. Whatever’s worked for him in the past is simply not my cup of tea. And if I had felt anything for him, I might have been more understanding, accepting, thought some of it was cute, or willing to explain what I’d like him to do. But because I really had no desire to be around him, I was just completely turned off by everything he did. Yes, I realize that probably sounds mean and maybe somewhat conceited. I’m not saying that I have all of these wonderful men lining up at my feet. In fact, the only thing by my feet is my puppy Rodman. But you know what? If it’s Rodman or a man who gives me the creeps, I’ll take canine companionship every time. When you find yourself thinking, “Please don’t try to kiss me. I’d rather finish the DVD.”, it’s probably time to get out. Like anyone else who’s tried it, I know it’s just not worth trying to force the attraction.
For you, attraction may not mean the carnal, physical impulse. It could be a more subdued desire to be around/with that person. (Hoping that around means with. I’m not promoting stalking.) But if you don’t have either desire, you don’t really have anything. If you’re not finding yourself willing to sacrifice your time (and possibly finances) to “hang out” with this person, just stop now. More than likely the other person is feeling this type of “connection” and you’re running the risk of leading them on and coming out the jerk/bitch. Cut if off early and save yourself the excess drama.
A good friend of mine constantly tells me that I have to give people (meaning men) a chance. The hopeless romantic, she chooses to hope/believe things will work out in the end. Just have fun. You never know. (Except I do. Or at least I’d like to believe I do.) The best relationship this friend has been in began without the mutual physical attraction. In fact, there were a few things about this gentleman that didn’t fit her “list”. She tells me to give the “not gorgeous” a chance. ( Now, to be fair, my standards aren’t that outrageous. They’re just particular. I can’t tell you what I like but I can tell you when I do. Anyway…) Of course, I’m not gorgeous. As I like to say, I’m pleasantly average. There are times that I can look really good but I rarely look worse that I do on average. I’m happy with this happy medium. With this reality and subsequent mindset, I can’t expect to attract anyone too far out of my self-described category. Although I’ll say that it is a little easier for men. If you’re cute, you’re just cute. Sure a haircut, fresh shave, nice clothes, etc, can help your case. But in the end, what you look like in the yard, at the gym, in the office, at the club doesn’t usually change all that much. Women, on the other hand, have all of these tools to make us look better (while possibly not real). But that’s an entirely different post. Ideas….
The one thing my friend fails to mention is that while her man may not have been her ideal physical type, there was “something about him.” His personality, their conversations, her reactions to him made her want to be around him. Sure, when he first kissed her, she may have thought, “Why am I kissing this fill in the blank man?” But she wasn’t thinking, “I’d rather finish the movie.” It’s just that simple.
Once again, a resolution-less post. I just wanted to make the point that temptation is a must. The type and severity of temptations may vary. Whether you count your successes by how well you resist or give in is completely up to you. But if you’re not distracted with a smile on your face no one else understands, it’s probably not worth your time.
Looking forward to being unable to focus,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 