I’ve been recently thinking about my perpetual (largely self-induced) singledom and remembered something a friend told me in high school that makes me wonder if the guys I meet think the same way today and whether that would be such a bad thing.
In high school, I remember approaching a male friend to ask about something (who knows what). For some reason, he thought I was going to ask him to prom. (To this day, I have no idea how he came to that conclusion. Going to prom with him still sounds like a horrible idea 7 years later.) Anyway, he stopped me and kind of stepped back. “You’re cool but you’re not the kind of girl I’d take to prom.” What?! First, I was confused why he would think I would ask him and second, I was offended. (Oh, high school drama). After being stunned, I laughed and then got angry. Realizing he’d completely misread my intentions, he kind of stammered and tried to talk his way out of it. (Typically a bad idea with me. Stop, collect your thoughts, and proceed. I pay too much attention and will tear apart every stupid comment you make in explanation.) He proceeded to tell me that we’re good friends and all, but he doesn’t see me like that, blah, blah, blah. Well, good. I didn’t seem him that way either. But since he’d brought it up, why didn’t he see me like that? What type of girl was I? Was it because of my race/ethnicity? Height? Weight? Personality? Religion? What? After realizing he’d have no choice but to be honest, he told me, “You’re not the type of girl to take to prom. You’re the type to marry.”
Well, okay then. What do you do with that? Knowing him and his interests, I had no choice but to translate that to mean I’m not the type to take out in hopes of immediate sex. I’m the type to actually date. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s actually a good thing. But where does that leave someone like me 7 years later? I’d like to believe that statement still holds true for me but are there new dimensions to add as I approach 25, not 18? At what point do girls/ladies/women like me start to become the goal and not the concern? And is there a middle ground for us? Does this type of statement mean you respect us but realize you’re not ready for us yet? Or that we’re more effort than you’re willing to expend in general? Or does it just sound like something a girl you’re not interested in should like to hear?
Never hoping to be a whore, does the idea of dating someone worth marrying scare men my age the same way the statement scares me? Yes, I do believe I’m the type to marry but please don’t discuss marriage with me within the first few months of knowing each other. I believe in the institution but don’t see it anywhere in my near future. Telling me you’re looking for a “mate” on our third date (yes, it has happened) is a sure fire way to guarantee there will not be a fourth. Have I switched places with my friend from high school? Does my fear of someone looking for a wife in the short term mimic my friend’s fear of a girl looking to actually date before giving it up? While I’m not looking for a one-night stand, I would like to date for fun and get to know you, no future agenda immediately in mind. Do I still want to be the type to marry as the men I encounter are in search of wives and the future mothers of their children?
While it creates awkward situations, I think yes. I’m afraid of what the alternate descriptions might be. Plus, in addition to the “ready to get married yesterday” guys, there are plenty of the “after I’ve seen everything, I hope to never see you again” as well as the “let’s see where this goes” guys. I just have to make sure I’m not judging them all by my insecurities and assumptions. However, for the record, can I request that I be seen as the type of woman to marry (after an appropriate, comfortable length of time dating)?
Admiring a ring-less left hand,
Jo’van
The Truth: According to Jo'van 