Whole Truth, The | The Truth: According to Jo'van

Shades of Understanding: 8 of Top 10 Most Influential Celebrities are African-American

An interesting study was announced this week. According to the Davie Brown Index, 8 of the top 10 “marketable” celebrities are African-American. Surprisingly, only numbers 2 and 6 are Caucasian. President Obama usurped Tom Hanks this year. In descending order:

Barack Obama
Tom Hanks
Will Smith
Michael Jordan
Morgan Freeman (I LOVE him! 🙂 )
George Clooney
Denzel Washington
Michelle Obama
Oprah Winfrey
Tiger Woods

In this case, marketable doesn’t mean the best product-hawking endorsement but “a celebrity’s ability to influence brand affinity and consumer intent.” Basically, the study is about celebrities people trust. Who do you want to listen to? Whose shampoo would you use? Whose blood pressure medication would you talk to your doctor about?

The DBI is a tool for agencies and companies to know which celebrities would best fit their product communication goals. “The DBI includes more than 1,500 celebrities that are each evaluated by 1,000 consumers. These evaluations are the results of a panel made up of 4.5 million consumers.” Respondents who are aware of a certain celebrity are then asked a standard set of questions about that celebrity. Using a six-point scale, eight key attributes are evaluated, including appeal, notice, trendsetter, influence, trust, endorsement, breakthough and aspiration.

President Obama ranked 1st in four categories (trust, influence, trendsetter, breakthrough) and 2nd to Bill Gates in one category (aspirational). He finsihed 5th in [product] endorsement.

I think it’s interesting that African-Americans rank so highly in this “celebrity respect” study. While I completely understand the selection of these individuals, the percentage just seems odd. White, black, brown or the other, who do you think is missing from this list?

Strangely proud,

Jo’van

February 5, 2009
Categories: Shades of Understanding (Race Relations), The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: Davie Brown Index, influential celebrities, Morgan Freeman, Obama, Oprah . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Office Appropriate: Work-Life Social Media Balance

I am an old school person. And by old school, I mean someone who grew up in the 90s. I expect to work on a computer and still enjoy reading a physical magazine. A movie version will never replace a good book (except for when it was for a senior english paper you procrastinated to write). My iTunes library is large but I still like to purchase the CD. A true ballader is Brian McKnight, not Usher. Destiny’s Child never lived up to En Vogue’s precedent (who probably never lived up to the Supremes). But I digress. The point is I grew up learning to live digitally, not expecting it. With only a 6 year difference, it’s amazing to me just how much more connected my younger siblings are (and I’m only 24!).

I was the first generation of Facebook. While MySpace and Black Planet (haha) were already around, Facebook was unique because it was connected to your university/college. You could only create a profile with a school email address. It seemed safer, more exclusive. And purely for fun. You found your friends (not colleagues), posted photos of drunken nights (not corporate mixers although they can be the same), and wrote the most ridiculous things you could think of on their walls (not browsed for new marketing ideas).

I work in an industry that is embracing social media on a corporate level. I get it. New ways to connect with the customer. Get in their face ANYWAY you can. I agree it can be an effective business model. However, I’m not THAT kind of customer. I want my social media to remain social. I want to browse my friends’ profiles, not those of companies trying to get my money. It somewhat ruins the experience for me when I spend hours of billable time browsing these sites. Why would I want to get on Facebook after work?

Bosses, colleagues, interns and college students I never interviewed are requesting to be my friend. What do I do? Is it rude not to accept? What about relegating them to a “limited” profile? Does that send a bad sign? There’s nothing in my profiles that would embarrass me if any of these people saw it. But at the same time, I don’t really want them to see my photos on the beach in college or last year’s Foxy Brown Halloween costume. We’re not close enough for me to want to share.

(I know potential full-time employees, interns AND collegiate athletes whose profiles have gotten them into trouble. It’s not worth it. If you must post, please realize WHAT you’re posting and WHO can see it. )

Facebook is for connecting with friends.

MySpace is for discovering new bands.

Twitter is for sharing your random thoughts when you’re too lazy to update your MySpace and Facebook statuses.

Blogs are for sharing your opinion.

Yes, companies should be able to reach their customers anywhere their customers can be found. But MY social media is destined to remain social. Unless you know my middle name, have been invited to my apartment, had a conversation about more than your resume or have talked to me about more than next week’s assignment, don’t expect to be considered an unfiltered friend. If it hurts your feelings, I’m sorry for you. I may help companies become more social, I have no intention of towing the work-life social media line any more than I have to.

Updating her limited profile list,

Jo’van

February 2, 2009
Categories: Office Appropriate (Work Life), Whole Truth, The . Tags: blogs, facebook, myspace, social media, twitter, work life . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

No Patience for You: Eve, No Apple is that D*mn Good.

Note: The evening after I wrote this post was the most painful in probably 5 years. I’m not blaming you, God. I’m blaming Eve. You warned her. I would’ve listened.

———————————————————————————————————————-

(Possibly graphic, beware)

Okay, so I won’t be the first or the last person to complain about that beautiful time of the month that reminds you you are in fact a woman (not just a man with different parts) and have emerged from puberty. Thank you, God, for this wonderful reminder. But I am not a fan. This discomfort and pain every 20-30 days is unnecessary in my opinion. Refraining from discussing the disgusting, cramps, bloating and irritability are not things I need to add to my life. As it stands, I’m bitchy and unhappy enough already. Why can’t this time feel nice, like a warm bath or a good massage? Why must I feel like my insides are fighting with each other and I’m the only person losing? My special women parts are beating each other up with what feels like spiked brass knuckles and steel-toe cowboy boots. Pain that can only be eased by potent pain killers doesn’t sound like an appropriate reminder of the magic and wonder of pregnancy.

I’m very sorry if I’m not the most pleasant for the four days while my body is reminding me I’m not pregnant and this pain is nothing in comparison to what I can look forward to in the beauty of child birth but I don’t have much sympathy for you. Just leave me alone. I will do my best to remain pleasant as long as I’m given my space. I need to sleep, eat chocolate, sleep, roll into a ball, eat chocolate, sleep, work and sleep. If anything you have to say to me doesn’t fit into one of those categories, check in with me next week.

Eve (as I call my monthly visit, Aunt Flow, menustration or period) does not make me bitchy. It just lowers my tolerance to annoyances. As I told boys in high school, just because a girl is annoyed with you doesn’t mean her insides are killing her. Maybe you’re just annoying. If I was on my period as often as people around me thought I was, I would have bled to death years ago.

I’ve often heard that we as women should almost be happy or proud to experience this. Men would not be able to handle it. Somehow thinking that men have supposedly lower thresholds of pain does not make me smile or feel better. I don’t really care if they “couldn’t handle” it. If I had the option, I’d chose not the be able to handle it either, rather than stocking up on Aleve, chocolate, comfortable pillows and a heating pad. Adam had to “work the land” and Eve had to suffer. Well, we’re both working right now. I think it’s about time we both suffer. (Or neither, I’d be up for that also.)

Rolling into a ball surrounded by a bag of Hershey’s kisses,

Jo’van

–

Ode to Eve

Dear Mother of humanity, Christian goddess, whose appetite killed eternal happiness. No apple is that damn good.

I appreciate your sacrifices, am thankful for your existence, but I really wish you would have listened. No apple is that damn good.

You gave up heaven on earth, an unparallel paradise, utopia beyond human site. No apple is that damn good.

I don’t always listen to my parents either, but then again my father isn’t God, did you think he’d spare you the rod? No apple is that damn good.

A metaphor for the evil’s of sex, a serpent controled your action, I’m ashamed of your curiousity of attraction. No apple is that damn good.

It makes me wonder if any food, could sound good enough to make me risk, being struck down for knowledge I’m not equip. No apple is that damn good.

Perfectly seasoned steak, or the most melt in your mouth chocolate. Is any food worth the ultimate threat? No apple is that damn good.

If it had to be a fruit of the earth, why was it an apple? The cheapest ingredient in a bottle of Snapple. No apple is that damn good.

A mango, a watermelon, a peach or an orange, grapes, cantelope, honeydew and pears. What made an apple worth my monthly tears? No apple is that damn good.

Here’s a suggestion, can we just switch places? I’ll do as I’m told and stay in God’s good graces. No apple is that damn good.

I’ll trade you Eden and Adam, for cramps, bloating, pain. Paradise or bleeding, you must be insane. No apple is that damn good.

January 27, 2009
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: apples, cramps, eve, monthly visit, period . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World…As I See It: My Car is Missing!!!

I had the biggest “blond moment” of my life today. And considering my hair’s basically black with mahogany highlights, that’s quite a feat. I am SO embarrassed.

I am a typically anal (or meticulous) person. Everything has its own little place and exact path to get there. I am the one who deals with the planning of whatever situation. The one with the mom purse equip with nail clippers, oil sheets, floss, tweezers, eye drops, allergy medicine…basically Walgreens. The one with a full change of clothes (including tennis shoes) in the trunk of her car, just in case I get stuck somewhere and really want clean underwear. The one who manually updates every album in her (large) iTunes library because she didn’t like some of the formatting. The one who cleans and separates the lettuce leafs so they’ll be easier to grab for a sandwich next week. The one that can tell you down to the hour when she was out of the office and how to code that time. For some reason, my brain is just wired that way. Apparently, within a four day span, that wiring got disconnected.

Because of a great ticket price, I took a 4-day weekend trip home last weekend. It was good to see the family and a couple of friends. However, the best part had to be not having to really think about much. I just kind of floated across Nashville for a few days in my mom’s green minivan. (I love the van by the way.) The paths to my grandmothers’ houses and Opry Mills mall are hardwired into my head. My biggest concern is trying to find my old radio stations. (Luckily, my mother doesn’t mess with her pre-set stations too much.)

My roommate picked me up from the airport last night and I unpacked my stuff, petted the puppies and went to bed. This morning, I woke up, got ready for work and rushed out the door. (I was going to be 5-10 minutes late to an 8:30 meeting.) I walked down the parking lot, happy it wasn’t raining. (Our parking lot is very crowded and it’s often difficult to find a spot close to your apartment and/or not under a tree. We also have a pigeon-poo problem.) As I approached the spot I remembered parking my car, I got a little concerned. The spot was empty. Hmmm, maybe it was in front of the next building. No? Okay, maybe I’m just losing it. Let’s press the lock button to hear my car. NOTHING! Seriously? Now what? I know I didn’t park this far but I’ll check. SHIT. WHERE’S MY CAR?!

Back in the apartment, upset but surprisingly calm for some reason. (That should have been my first hint. My subconscious must’ve known something. But I just assumed I was in shock.) Wake up the roommate. “I think they towed my car or someone stole it.” She jumps up and I turn on my computer. I don’t know my new boss’s work or cell phone number and I’m obviously going to miss the meeting. As I’m sending the email, my roommate goes to the front office.

Nope, while they were rude, they didn’t tow it. Okay, I guess it’s time to call the police. What’s the number? 911 seems a bit hysterical. My car wasn’t stolen with my baby in it or anything. (Just a gym bag) Yellow pages. Speak with a dispatcher. The police will be there soon. 15 minutes impressive (or scary. I don’t really know what a speedy response time says for your area.) Two police officers come to our door and we have to crate the dogs. So protective and LOUD.

Officer H is young and nervous/unprepared. While a few of his questions got on my nerves (No, my car was not impounded by the finance company. No, I haven’t defaulted on any payments. Yes, I’m sure. Would you like to see my monthly statements. — Remember, I am anal.), he was nice and I was patient and kind. No need to get him in trouble. Officer J was very cool. Although he was a bit rough (understandably so) on Officer H, he chatted it up with my roommate and I about dogs, catching a bank robber while buying dog food and what-have-you.

My phone rings and I hand it off to my roommate. She begins speaking Spanish and disappears into my room. Ah, it must be Chivis. Mary comes back around the corner and calls me into my room. What?! Really?! NOW,with them here?! Okay. Umm, Tiffany, I think your car is in the garage…. Are you SERIOUS? Are you sure? Could you check? Call me back! Thanks. Mary’s laughing at me. And the police are standing in our living room.

And then it all comes back to me….

The night before I left for home, I went out with friends and coworkers to celebrate J Lo’s birthday. (Not that one but better.) I had a few drinks but not THAT many. Chivis was parked closer to the bar than I was and since she was taking me to the airport the next morning, we just decided to leave my car in the office garage. Plus, it’s probably safer there than in my apartment complex parking lot….

Okay, it’s definitely a possibility but now what do I do? If I tell them, they’ll leave. Then what do I do if it’s not there? Call them back? No, continue until you’re sure. That’s the best idea. However, by the time Chivis calls me back, it’s too late. Despite my best efforts to stall and rush, I’ve had to complete the entire process. Poor Officer H is being chewed out and we’re laughing as soon as we close the door. What the HELL do I do NOW?!

Mary takes me to the office. Yep, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. My car is happily, safely sitting in the office garage. The parking I remembered doing in my complex lot was when I first made it home Friday night. I didn’t remember the second time because it never happened. Dear Lord, what was in my drinks? Did I have 8 more than I remembered?

After Chivis and Mary have made fun of me, I called to report my idiocy. Of course, I can’t just cancel a police report. Another officer has to talk to me. Officer B arrives shortly. He essentially laughs at me and tells me it happens all of the time downtown. Basically labeling me a drunk. Great! He’ll take care of it. All is well. Whew.

Not quite, Officer J calls me to double-check he’d heard right. After apologizing profusely for wasting his time and our Austin police resources, I get a mini lecture but feel better about the situation.

Then Officer J calls me back. I don’t quite remember asking what the point was but when I asked if there was anything else I needed to do, papers to sign, fee to pay, he told me that Officer H was considering charging me for reporting a false police report, a class b misdemeanor. WHAT?! He felt I had made the report to make fun of him, as if I knew him. Basically, his feelings were hurt for getting in trouble for being unprepared. And while I understand that, none of that was my fault. I did not make fun of him. I did not ask him the question Officer J wanted me to ask to test him. I was sympathetic and did not make a big deal of him not knowing what he was doing. Yes, I did laugh after they left at MYSELF. Yes, I did file a false report because I am an idiot. There was no malicious intent. Officer J says he’ll talk to Officer H but he can’t TELL him what to do, only advise. I thank Officer J and hang up. I should still be embarrassed or scared but now I’m just annoyed.

On to the google search for Class B Misdemeanor charges in Austin. (It’s amazing that blogs dominate the first pages in the gooogle search. I want REAL information, not a blog. This IS a legal matter after all.) From what I can gather (in a quick search), a charge of this kind can result in up to a $2,000 fine, up to 180 days in jail, or better yet both. This is the same charge you’d get for your first DWI. It looks like I should have just driven home that night. (I’m not condoning drunk driving. And while I don’t believe I was drunk that evening, I’m just making a point. Even if alchol had been a factor, I’d been sober for 4 days. No Corona is THAT strong.)

That’s it. I’ve heard nothing else from Officer J. I’m going to believe it’s over. I’ll update if I end up getting pulled over driving the car I mistakenly reported stolen.

I think the worst part of it all is that this is simply something I would not have done. Several friends have said this just isn’t me. Or at least it wasn’t. What’s next?

Still a bright red (only you can’t see it because I’m actually a milk chocolate brown),

Jo’van

January 21, 2009
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: idiot, memory loss, police, stolen car . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

The World…As I See It: Layoffs

Layoffs are officially scary. They’ve hit my second home(s) and it’s painful.

I’m pretty young and ignorant to things such as “financial downturns”, “recessions” and “depressions”. For me, the worst a bursting bubble could do would be to get in your hair. I don’t own stocks, bonds, a house, or my car (yet). I haven’t started my 401K. My debt is ridiculous. My savings account is always closer to zero than not because I can’t afford to save. But I never really worried. As long as I was doing my job well, keeping my clients happy and not pissing off upper management (too much), I should be able to avoid getting fired. And anyway, fired you (probably) see coming. Fired you might be able to prepare for. Fired you can start shopping around to beat them to the punch. But a “downsizing” is an entirely different story.

When someone up above says shave some of your costs, a company can only cut back on happy hours, Friday breakfast tacos and the multitude of interns so much. At some point, staff numbers have to come under the microscope. Then what? How do you decide who goes? I thankfully have not been in that position so I can’t presume to really know but I can just imagine it’s difficult. Not only are you possibly ending someones career but you’re admitting your company’s not doing as well as you’d like everyone to believe.

In this current economic climate, every company (it seems) is experiencing “staff restructuring” but that doesn’t make the people directly affected by it feel any better. Just because you’re not the only one doesn’t mean you’re not still wondering but why me? Or in my case, if it’s someone you respect and care for “why them?”

A friend of mine was very recently let go. Rather than be bitter, angry, or depressed, he’s unbelievably positive. While I’m sure it hurt him and shakes up any plans in the making, he seems to be treating this as just another bump in the road. With the level of graciousness I don’t even think I could muster up after a fender bender, he managed to make three of us laugh and feel better about his situation. Some people deserve way more respect than they’ll probably ever receive. (I love you, Roberto. And your man boobs. 🙂 )

In the end, I guess the questions don’t really matter but too many unaswered may begin to outweigh any positive or even understandable answers. This is a scary time. Between my two jobs, I’ve survived three rounds of “thank you buts” so far. But if my name comes to the top of the list next time, I don’t really have a plan in mind. There is no money set aside to survive. Hmmm….I guess that’s a problem.

Looking for things she can sell for emergency rent,

Jo’van

January 12, 2009
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: gracious, layoffs, office, recession . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Family Values: Skipping Christmas

I have a not small family. I’d normally describe it as large but it’s not like I have 13 siblings and it’s only large because I’m combining two households. All in all, I have four parents, six siblings, a brother-in-law and a new, fabulously plump niece. Not to mention the hand-full of friends and co-workers, I’d love to give gifts to. Unfortunately, something has happened this year. I am just not feeling Christmas. I haven’t been interested in shopping. I don’t have any idea what to get anyone. I’m just feeling blah about the whole thing.

Christmas is still a holy, happy, family-centric day. I just don’t have the passion to shop to show my love this year. I’m not against Christmas presents. I normally love the picking, hiding, wrapping of it all but there’s something about 2008. I’m just not in the mood.

Does that make me a Scrouge? I hope not. I’m just going to take a break this year. Not knowing what to get is my fault. I need to stay in touch with my family and friends a little more. I have no excuse to have no idea. While I couldn’t afford it, if I had great ideas, I’d happily be swiping my credit card. But having no money, no time, no ideas and no energy just isn’t a good mix for inspired presents. Everyone would end up with generic “pretty” things or gift cards. A friend told me those would be better than nothing and while I see her point, I just don’t agree this year. I want to be excited to give you something. Even if I COMPLETELY missed the mark, I want to care if I did.

The people I love will be getting more calls from me in 2009. I want to know what’s going on and giggle when I see something I think they might like. I want to buy it in August and be excited for the next few months. I don’t want to consider skipping Christmas again. It’s embarrassing.

Stocking up on wrapping paper for 2009,

Jo’van

December 24, 2008
Categories: Family Values (The Ones You Don't Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: christmas, family, presents, uninspired . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Eye of the Beholder: D*mn Holiday Parties

I picked the WRONG time of year to go on a hiatus from the gym. My 3-4 times weekly kick has passed and I’ve settled into a once a month (maybe) routine. My third week of this slump ended up being the week of Thanksgiving and although I had dinner at a friend’s house (so no leftovers for days), I took that as a proverbial sign that I had hit the holidays and saw no reason to work out until January. I’m not a gym New Year’s Resolution type of person and the crowd of resolution-ers in January and maybe the beginning of February will get on my nerves. I just take breaks throughout the year. This seemed like an appropriate time to take a break. It didn’t sound appealing to work out just long enough to make it not hurt anymore only to stop a couple of weeks later and go through it all again. Until of course I remembered it’s also holiday party season….

Eggnog, Jingle Bells, Mistletoe, Champagne, and Grown Up Holiday Parties. Gone are the days of “holiday” parties in sweatshirts and tennis shoes. December is now the time to pull out your closed-toe stilettos, cocktail dresses and clutches. Cocktail dresses are not nearly as invasive as bathing suits but they still can flaunt the flaws (especially if you wear them as “fitted”as I do). Satin is NOT forgiving. The roundness that has become my abs is not well hidden. What’s a girl to do?

1. Suck it in all night? Simply not realistic. I’d forget and look very different from certain picture angles.

2. Spanx? Not very comfotable. And what if they start to roll? Or if I have to go to the bathroom?

3. Go up a size? Sure but can’t really afford new cocktail dresses right now…

Ok, so I’m screwed. I’ve just worn what I have and attempted to avoid pictures. However, that didn’t last very long…

Strut like this...

Looking forward to her LAST holiday party,

Jo’van

December 21, 2008
Categories: Eye of the Beholder (Self-Image), Whole Truth, The . Tags: cocktail dresses, gym, holiday parties, working out . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World….As I See It: Why I Can BARELY Stand Beyonce

Beyonce Knowles – singer, songwriter, virgining actress, fashion icon and mogul, cosmetics spokeswoman, what else? The former Destiny’s Child front-woman is everywhere…. And I can’t stand it or her.

Singer

Unlike most popular, modern “artists”, level of talent is not my issue with her. I think Beyonce is a talented singer. Although, I don’t always care for her over-use of vibrato and numerous runs, I’ve got to give it to her. She knows how to manipulate her voice and image to sell you a song. Unlike Jessica Simpson who has a good voice but has no idea how to effectively/properly use it.) While I am a lover of ballads, Beyonce also knows how to make danceable radio hits.

Performer

The energy she puts into her music is delivered 10-fold in her performances. Thankfully, Beyonce is know to actually sing live, heaven forbid. She can shake it in high-briefed underwear and stilettos but still manages to sing most of her song live. (Everyone’s back-up singers carry a live performance nowadays anyway.) Even if you feel your ears will bleed if you have to hear her current hit on the radio or VH1 one more time, you still want to see her perform it on the upcoming award show because she’ll undoubtedly be there and put on a good show. (Unlike Britney, there’s no prediction or hope of a train wreck.)

Image/Fashion

Beyonce was introduced to us all as the pretty, going blond, half-naked front-woman of Destiny’s Child. While it made me sad that she was the only one that sang (look back at En Vogue, four beautiful and talented lead and backup singers), I was saddened more by their outfits. The brightly colored oversexed images of the late 90s/early 2000s just get a little old for me. I understand the purpose but Destiny’s Child was actually talented. Breasts, abs and thighs don’t make a good song but they do seem to help sell records, if not sell them completely. It was more strange to me that her mother was the one designing for and dressing this group of teenage girls like THAT. Obviously her parents were more comfortable with her college-age sexuality than mine would’ve been.

Over the years, Beyonce has managed to stay sexy and exposed but somehow class it up just a bit every year. I’m not saying that every outfit is classy but as a whole (even if I don’t care for the outfit). she looks good. I’m no longer ashamed to look at her. I’m more intrigued.

Blond

My only withstanding issue with her image is the blond. She’s a beautiful brunette. The blond is unnecessary. Unless albino or contingent upon another natural genetic condition, black people are not supposed to be blond. Embrace your natural tones. Love them. (For some reason, Queen Latifah is the ONLY black person I don’t get mad at for going blond. I LOVE her. She can do no wrong. And I’ve just given up on Tyra altogether.)

Acting

Honestly, I’ve only seen “eh” from her. She hasn’t done that bad of a job but I haven’t seen a lot of depth in her characters. It’s easy to act like a diva. Vulnerability and layers are different. She’s not quite a box office draw or distraction for me.

I respect Beyonce and wish her the best. The girl works her ass off. I just think she’s over-exposed which is more our fault than hers. She seems like a cool person and manages to keep her private life private. But I need her to disappear for a while. Make us miss you. I’m only contributing to my main complaint with a blog post dedicated to her.

As talented as she is, I’m going to have to disagree with Kanye. Beyonce is great but she’ll need another 20-30 years of longevity before we can compare her to Tina Turner. We all thought Britney was the new Madonna and look at that tragic assumption.

Searching my iPod for “No, No, No”,

Jo’van

December 10, 2008
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: blond, celebrity, over-exposed, overrated . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

No Patience For You: Concert Etiquette

I LOVE Live Music!!!! There are not many things in life that are better (to me) than a band you like making you love them by sounding better live than they do on their album. Give me a pair of concert tickets and a comfortable pair of tennis shoes and I am one happy camper UNTIL, of course, other concert goers get on my nerves. It may be asking too much but I really wish people could exercise a little concert etiquette when attending a live performance, especially if it’s standing room only. A few of my pet peeves:

Hats — Unless it is an outdoor concert, there is little reason to wear a hat. If you find it absolutely necessary to wear a hat, please do use all a favor and NOT wear one with a bill. We’re all vying for valuable eye-level views. Don’t be rude and block someone else’s if you can help it.
Unnecessarily styled hair — Along the same lines or hats, big or obnoxiously tall hair is just rude. Tame it down for the concert. I know you want to express your individuality but a mohawk is annoying at a OneRepublic concert. If you’re on a date, I understand wanting to look your best. But the Gwen Stefani (redistributed Texas) poof is just stupid. Bring it down, lighten up on the hair spray and please realize the people behind you don’t care how much time you spent to make it look that way.
Big Curls — If your hair is naturally curly and full, I understand that it’s not always convenient to straighten it. But could you AT LEAST put it in a pony tail. Lion manes have a way of blocking the entire stage for the person behind you.
Personal Space — A.K.A. elbow room. At a sold out concert, you cannot reasonably expect a lot of room around you. But I DO expect to be able to readjust my weight and not feel your heart beating or any other throbbing part of your body. There is something called too close. If I’m not dating you, I should not feel your breath on my neck.
Angling — Don’t assume that just because you got your elbow positioned in front of me that I’m going to back away to give you my entire spot. Your elbow can just share my view.
Spastic Dancing to Slow Songs — I go to a lot of slow, mellow concerts. There is absolutely no reason to dance seizure-style to a Robin Thicke song. Hint: If the singer says “Break it Down”, he/she’s talking to the band 99.9% of the time.
Talking During Opening Acts — They may not have been who you came to see but at least show them the respect of leaving the floor to get another drink. Having a loud conversation during a quiet song is just plain rude and you probably have never performed on stage to a cold audience. Plus, there are usually fans of the opening act who paid the big ticket price just to see them. You can usually point them out. They’re the ones who know all of the words and politely step back once the opening act has concluded their set.
Acting More Drunk than You Are — This is usually a girl thing. I don’t quite understand why. If you’re truly that drunk, please just do us all a favor and pull out your ponytail holder and find the nearest toilet to position yourself above. Otherwise, shut the hell up. This may be your night with the girls but the rest of us actually came here to HEAR the band not hope to make out with them later.
Making Babies on the Floor — Yes, it’s a very romantic concert. The music and the vocals serenading, setting the mood…. IF you were home. Hold your girlfriend, stroke your boyfriend but PLEASE refrain from rubbing and humping. It creates a really awkward situation for everyone around you. We’d probably give you more space if it weren’t a standing room only concert.
Big purses — You knew you were coming to a concert. There is absolutely no reason to bring your Mary Poppins carpet bag to the concert. Plan, pair it down and keep it simple. Your big purse ends up either taking up the space of a small person or hitting me with every beat. I seriously doubt you’re going to need your agenda, finger nail clippers, iPod connector and 20 oz bottle of lotion at the concert. If I’m wrong, I apologize to you, MacGyver.
Judging People for Doing EXACTLY What You’re Doing — If you pushed to the front, don’t get mad when someone does it to you a song later. If you screamed when they started playing your favorite song, don’t roll your eyes when someone else does two songs later. If you tried to grab that t-shirt, don’t get pissy because someone else grabbed it first. It’s just part of the experience. Be prepared to be surrounded by people who think just the way you do.
Assuming Age Seniority — This may sound ageist but I have come to loathe old(er) people at concerts. There’s just something about a group of 50-somethings who know they’re probably the age of my parents. You are not MY mother. I’m not going to let you stand in front of me because you were born 25+ years before me. All that means is that you’ve had 25+ more years of good concerts to attend. I’m just playing catch up. You’re 13 year-old daughter taking pictures with her phone with the full keyboard, maybe. But not you.

There are several other things that suck but there’s little you can do about it. I’d love to ask all people over 6’2 to not attend the same concerts as me but then my 5’1 roommate could say my 5’9 shadow is too much. I get it. You’re tall. I just have to try to get beside, not behind you. It sucks when you get stuck behind a pole. Just plan better. If the person behind you is tone deaf as they sing along to EVERY song, it sucks but unless they’re screaming, it just something you have to deal with. Just hope no one hears you when you start really feeling the music.

Considering a spiked coat for her next concert,

Jo’van

November 29, 2008
Categories: No Patience For You (SIGH), Whole Truth, The . Tags: concert, courtesy, etiquette, live music . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

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