Romantic Cynic: The Relationship15

I couldn’t resist.  The song I wish a man I love could sing/say to me and mean AND Miss Piggy and Kermit!!!!

Musiq Soulchild’s “Don’t Change”

When we go off to college, we quickly learn about the famed “Freshman 15”.  Supposedly, the first year you’re away from home, you’re supposed to stop eating vegetables (because your mother’s not making you) and pledge to exist on pizza and beer (bought by cooler, older juniors and seniors or the weird kid down the hall with a fake ID).  This waist enlarging myth was recently debunked by researchers at Ohio State.  (Refer to the NYTimes) According to the study, first-year students gain on average 3 lbs.  15 is an extreme exaggeration.  Heavy drinkers gain more (lite beer, anyone?…) and students with a job tend to gain less (other priorities and possible movement beyond reaching for the phone with Pizza Hut on speed dial).  Makes sense, right?  Ok, a myth debunked.

Besides college, the other time of great weight gain (non-pregnant) people my age discuss or consider a given is what I’m terming the “Relationship 15”.  (The 15 is not necessarily part of the general description but it’s a rough estimate for my recent gain.)    Supposedly when you get into a long-term relationship, it’s very likely that your happiness will be visible in your growing wasitline.  (This is also something said for recent newlyweds.)

There are a number of possible reasons for the “more of you to love”:

1.) Keeping Up Bite for Bite – Sometimes when on dates or out with friends, it’s tempting to keep up with your significant other bite for bite.  When you first start dating, it may be tempting to order a salad and appreciate your favorite pair of Spanx.  After all we like to put our best, manicured, permed, new outfitted, stiletto-ed foot forward.  A few months in and fried cheesesticks and sweatpants might be sounding pretty good.

2.) Indulgent Meals – Dates often give us an excuse to eat the things we want.  When you go out with friends, the favorite, cheap restaurant or dish might be your goal.  If you’re anything like my friends and I, you want it to be good but may not be ready to drop $50+ to hang out with friends.  Some people (i.e. I) use dates as the perfect way to try that new restaurant.  If you’re going somewhere new, you might be tempted to try whatever grabs your interest or the house specialty.  Get dressed up, order wine, make it an occasion.

3.) Alcohol – Along the same lines of indulgent meals, increased alcohol consumption might add a few ounces to your pounds.  While you may struggle to justify having a beer or glass of wine by yourself, having someone to share that new or favorite might be the perfect excuse to indulge.

4.) Heart to Stomach Key – The old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” is debatable but embraced just the same.  When I was single, I cooked “good” meals when I craved them or had a particular occasion to plan for.  As a woman in a relationship, I’m more tempted to consider making more “real” meals; meat and potatoes, more than a shake or a salad.  There’s also a desire to impress.  I was never grown up enough to host or attend “dinner parties”.  With a man, there could be a “dinner party” everyone night if I had the available patience and groceries.  (Although, I will not be cooking or cleaning by myself.  That’s an entirely different post for a later time…)

5.) Adopting Bad Habits – The more time you spend with someone, the more traits you (can) pick up from them.  Eating habits are just one of them.  If you have a problem with restraint but your significant other likes to have options on hand, chances are their supplies will dwindle while your pant size increase.  If your significant other eats light and early but you enjoy late, full, heavy meals, you may see your other getting  a little more bootylicious. Etc…

6.) Workouts Interfering with Cuddling – When you’re in a good relationship, it’s normal to want to spend as much time with that person as possible.  I’m not condoning anti-social behavior but wanting to cuddle rather than doing most things you do to fill up your time is understandable.  There are many reasons to workout including vanity, control, to fill up time and because over all health is important to you (ugh).  If you’re like me and it was a mix of some of these things, a comfortable relationship can get in the way.  You’d rather be with that person than alone on a run or at the gym.

7.) Loss of Motivation – For some, working out is a means to looking good which is a means to attracting a man/woman.  Once you’ve secured a “good one”, working hard to maintain whatever you had may not seem all that important.  In the same way, cute little dresses and heels give way to sweatpants and slippers, steady workouts can give way to questioning your gym fees.

8.) Emotional Eater – Relationships can be good and bad.  If you’re an emotional eater and things aren’t all pretty pictures, eating your feelings can make you feel temporarily better until you realize you’re still unhappy and you’ve begun trying to justify elastic waistbands to yourself.

Now no one just beat themselves up for putting on a little extra weight.  If you still feel confident and your other still thinks you’re sexy, embrace the little extra and move on.  Having more than you wanted in some places can be forgiven for having more than you hoped for in others.  Think on that…
But a little is not one or two (or three or four) pant sizes for me personally.  Physical attraction often plays a big part of the inital formation of new relationships.  While a relationship built on love and devotion can be hard to shake, a dramatic weight gain in a few months time could probably still hurt.  Thinking you’re getting one thing and being handed something else a little while later can make some people reconsider the whole thing.  And that goes for more than just weight, people.
Do what you have to do in your relationship.  But if you’re unhappy with your current physique and believe your relationship may an underlying cause, make it a point to figure something else out.  Ask for encouragement, explain your concerns, figure out if you can be workout buddies and above all else don’t stop being the you you want to be because someone else loves you.  If they really love you for you, they’ll understand the importance of taking care of you (mentally or physically, whatever your motivation).
Despite writing this post while digesting a Thanksgiving dinner/platter, still getting very fed up with her Relationship 15 (or 18 if we’re really being honest),
Jo’van

November 24, 2011
Categories: Eye of the Beholder (Self-Image), Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Project or Prospect

I’m not sure if this is something unique to women (somehow I feel it just takes another form for the men)… But when a girlfriend enters a new relationship, beyond the “what’s he look like”s and “how’s he treat you”s, you start to discuss the possible/probable cons. It’s kind of like a job interview, when you’re asked to describe your weaknesses. Every employer/girlfriend, expects you to turn a fault into a virtue with your best attempted pr finesse.  (If PR 101 hadn’t been at 8am freshman year, you might’ve learned more.)  But unlike a job interview, most of the responses you give a girlfriend are things that YOU want to/think you can help him change.

I don’t have any friends bold enough to flat-out ask the question, so we all beat around the bush.  “Oh so, he’s a little chubby? That’s ok. He’ll keep you warmer in the winter. But do you think could you work out together?” “Kind of a slob? Bachelors’ apartments are always disgusting. Think you can help break that habit?” “Fart jokes and prized belches?… How old is he again? Is there hope beyond that?” We never ask the real questions.  “Are you going to be able and happy to accept him for who/what he is right now? Or just what you hope you can turn him into?” In other words, “Is he a project or a prospect?”

Now the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. A project may warrant the effort because you’re hoping for an eventual prospect but “eventual” is the key word.  Through movies, tv, books and magazines, women are taught we are responsible for “molding” our men. And not to sound sexist, but that is partially true. However, not for the reasons we’re taught to think it is.

No one is perfect (or perfect for you, if you prefer the distinction). In every relationship, friendship, work situation and prolonged interaction, we grow.  I learn more about myself in my interactions with other people than I do in simple self-reflection. Thinking you’ll do (or not do) something is entirely different than being faced with the actual situation.

In some cases, you change or “adapt”just to survive. Hard ass boss – you learn not to wear your emotions on your sleeve at the office.Disrespectful roommate – That little extra rent may be worth it after all. Nosy church people – your relationship with God is exactly that – YOURS.

In other cases, your change is due to previously unconsidered considerations. (Yes, I know that’s wrong and I don’t care.  🙂 ) If a friend’s father has passed away, you reconsider the regular complaints you make about yours.  If a boyfriend doesn’t curse or drink, you may reconsider your bad habits/indulgences. If you feel you’re being passed up for opportunities at work for people with more positive attitudes or better presentations of themselves, you may be honest enough with yourself to realize there’s more too it than just getting the job done.

Whatever the reason, we change to better suit our situations… Or we just change situations.  The belief that women mold their boyfriends/husbands is true.  But both parties are molded.  The molding is not a skill one person possess but the willingness of one person to make the other person happy.  Any relationship worth keeping requires give and take.

Women typically see themselves as being molded less than their male counterparts because for the most part we’ve been molded our entire lives.  Yes, I know I may be exposing myself to a feminist firing squad but I’ll stand by my claim nonetheless.  We women have been “encouraged” since birth to move toward the nurturer, mother, wife, peacekeeper.  Of course those roles don’t work for everyone, but many men and women still believe women are/should be the calmer, organized, stable, considerate, “fairer” sex.  Regardless if you agree or not, it’s a general assumption. Family is the ultimate goal, if not the defining factor of your life.

Men, on the other hand, are encouraged to be the provider and protector.  However, until there is a family to actually provide for and protect, they are encouraged to “sow their oats” and enjoy their youth.  Dare devil sports, motorcycles or crazy cars, drinking heavy, clubs, multiple girlfriends at once, video games, tailgates, vacations, etc.  Men are taught to “do it while you can.”. Family may be great and the ultimate goal but it will still rob you of a bit of yourself.

When a couple begins, they independently decide what their ultimate goal will be. If it’s temporary (usually because they’ve already determined it’d be too much work to be happy), the amount of work will be minimal. Have fun until it’s not fun anymore. Pretty simple.  However, if there’s potential of “something else” (whatever that means to you), then the investments are made.  Unfortunately, those investments can often come in the form of complaints ( or just requests if you’re skilled at not sounding like you’re nagging) and concessions.  With every statement, you decide who cares more about that particular issue and if the benefits outweigh the costs of giving in.  Relationships are very transactional.  We just don’t ever consider them that way.  For some reason, a balance sheet isn’t considered romantic. Go figure…

Prospects are really projects but projects usually aren’t really prospects.  Project – He’d be great if…  Prospect – She’s great even though…  There will always be buts…  The oldest, happiest couples tell you they learn more about each other everyday.  No one person stays the same.  Life simply doesn’t allow it. Therefore, no relationship can stay the same.  But if you go in ready to “fix” someone to what you want,  failure is probable because you didn’t really want that person to begin with.  That’s not to say you can’t see potential in a person but you also can’t fully define what the embodiment of that potential should look like.

Love can’t be forced and neither can personality changes.  The most meaningful, long-lasting changes are choices.  Choosing to love means choosing to change. You just have to make sure the changes you make or desire don’t lead to bitterness or a feeling of loss of self.  Couples may work as units but they are still comprised of two independent thinking, independent feeling people.  The view of a healthy, working unit is thanks to constant consideration of how the other person may feel about a situation.  He and I.  She and I. Always.  That type of consideration doesn’t come form a successful project.  Just ask Kim Kardashian. (Too soon?)

Wondering if she’s a project herself,

Jo’van

Sorry the post was so long.  It’s been too long since I’ve posted and I just got a little excited…

November 9, 2011
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

The World…As I See It: 1.1.11 Follow the Trend

9-year-old Ice Skating to “Whip My Hair” By Willow Smith.  Between the skater being adorable, the song being a late 2010 hit, it being one of the big songs during the bar New Year’s celebrations and the fact that it’s supposed to be about being comforatble with yourself, I couldn’t resist.


Another year has passed.  The good, the bad and the ugly have all happened.  But in the end (as always), I emerged victorious.  I’ve loved.  Hated.  Feared.  Cheered.  Been praised and berated. Questioned my worth and counted my blessings.  2010 was a good year.  Now enter 2011.

I wish I could be more philosophical.  But I’m momentarily at a loss.  I currently have almost everything I’ve ever wanted.  (If I don’t have it, I’m on track to…)  All things considered, there are six crucial components of my life.  With each, there’s some definite work to be done but things are promising:

1.) Family:  I jokingly complain about my large, very 90s family, especially around Christmas.  Having ten people in your immediate family is no Christmas shopping joke.  But I’m blessed to have all four of my parents and six of my siblings (and now my brother-in-law and niece, not to mention the grandmas…).  We all look, sound, think and feel differently but there’s a spoken (and unspoken) bond: love.  Over the years, I’ve learned to live only in my current “life”, allowing all other things from former or “other” lives to slip into the subconscious.  I believe that probably came from toggling between homes, parents, siblings, bedrooms, parts of the country.  However, it just takes that one trip home to remind me how unnecessary that coping mechanism is at this point in my life.  As with every year, in 2011, I resolve to stay in better contact with the people who have to love me.  For whatever awkwardness I ever felt about randomly reaching out, I can now cope out with Facebook.  It’s better than nothing…

2.) Friends: Simply put I have wonderful friends.  And as much as I may not like to admit and/or adapt to it, relationships change.  The people I’ve grown to love and trust, I’ll always love and trust but we’re not always going to mean the same things to each other.  Rather than fight that reality, I’m learning to be thankful for what I had and who I shared it with.  When you stop working with someone or living with someone or regularly hanging out with someone, it can be difficult to “stay in touch”.  I’ve always done what was easy.  The people (emotionally) closest to me were often the people (physically) closest to me.  As with my family, if I truly value the relationship, I have to 1.) accept things will change and 2.) not allow something to die just because it’s no longer convenient.  In 2011, I resolve to be a good friend instead of sometimes just an easy one.

3.) Love: Most years, I don’t even mention this one.  I’ve always wanted to be in a good relationship.  But my track record was less than promising.  I accepted if/when something was meant to happen, it would simply happen.  I stopped hoping for it and, to be completely honest, being entirely open to it.   My 2 1/2 break from everything was no joke.  However, I can happily (and confidently) say, despite my best efforts, I’m in a good relationship now.  I am with someone I respect, admire, am attracted to, amused by, comforted by, and am proud to be with.  Even better, I believe he feels the same way about me.  A healthy, honest boyfriend/girlfriend, meet your family and friends, entertain the word “we” relationship.  A novel idea, I know.  In 2011, I resolve to not sabotaging “us”.

4.) Career: 2009 forced major changes in my career path.  From agency PR to unemployment to economic development in the last few months of the year.  2010 found me really understanding what that industry and my position meant.  As with any job, not everything was perfect.  But it was educational.  I feel better informed and, more importantly, more confident in my skills, both technical and interpersonal.  In 2011, I resolve to continue to move forward, whatever direction that might be.

5.) Faith: This one’s touchy for me.  Growing up a “preacher’s daughter”, church was a big part of my life.  The rules, the services, the songs, the process.  But my personal faith has always been something tied to struggles.  When things are well, I thank God out of obligation.  But I can’t say that we really talk. When things are bad, I can’t stop talking.  I know our relationship needs some work.  As much as I’d like to argue that relationship could be repaired anywhere, I think I need the either the structure or the comfort of a church family.  In 2011, I resolve to find my church home in Austin.

6.) Happiness: While the prior five components play a large part in defining my happiness, one big factor is simply being open to allowing it.  For whatever reason(s), I’ve sought to prevent my own happiness.  I don’t know if I didn’t feel I deserved or had earned it or if I was too pessimistic to trust it but I’ve been able to prevent a consistent, natural happiness with my own life.  Momentary happiness is impossible to avoid.  But that lasting, confident, easy contentment has often evaded me.  People will always be smarter, richer, prettier, “luckier”, whatever other -er you want than me.  But happier is all on me.  I have family, friends, career, faith, health and an open future.  Last year, I resolved to be happy.  While I wasn’t perfect, I think I did pretty well.  So in 2011, I resolve to be happy.  Hopefully, I can follow my own trend.

Happy New Year,

Jo’van

January 1, 2011
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

The World…As I See It: (What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You) Stronger…Or Jaded

For Suave.  He requested a blog and so I wrote. 🙂

A song that actually has something to do with my post.  It’s been a while.  Aerosmith’s “Jaded”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…or jaded.”

Jokingly a friend said that a few months ago about an expected ending to an unfortunate romantic endeavour.  While we both laughed about it, saying it out loud (or typing it as it was actually over Facebook chat) made both of us pause.  (Thanks, Lesbro.)  Sure getting hurt makes you more adept to recognizing the warning signs and being able to deal with something similar in the future (…stronger).  BUT it’s rarely a happily learnt lesson (…jaded).

Where does the old adage originate?  Was it someone trying to make another person feel better about a crappy situation?  Or worse, trying to make themselves feel better?  I also wonder what it pertained to.  Was it romantic escapades, business ventures or family drama?  And how close to killing you must something get to qualify?

Similar adages “trial by fire”, “learn from experience”,”don’t knock it ’til you try it” all teach us the same thing: to know and truly learn something (good or bad) you have to live it.  Sure, sure, I get it.  I can’t understand what it feels like to fall in love, fly thru the clouds or burn my finger on the stove until I’ve done it.  But why should we always feel the need to try everything ourselves?  In many cases, I prefer to learn from other people’s mistakes.

Having the door shut my in face both literally and metaphorically, both romantically and professionally, hurt.  There’s no better way to describe it.  Both affected my self-image and self-evaluation.  Both made me question what I was “worth”.  While these questions were temporary (because obviously I’m amazing), a hit to your psyche on that level can have lasting effects.  My skin got thicker and my drive to succeed and/or be happy strengthened.

But just because those experiences didn’t kill me, the learned life lessons were not always positive.  I may be stronger but I am also jaded.   The blinders are off and the guards are up.  Having had a boss who blamed her staff for her mistakes, I’ve learned to consider how my ass would be covered before I speak (or type) a word.  Having dated a man who tore me down to build himself up, I’ve learned to be constantly defensive and wary of any compliments.  Being shocked and disappointed by people I love and respect, I’m increasingly mistrusting of new “heroes”.  You get the point.

Being jaded is not intrinsically a bad thing.  Jaded equals smarter, protected and careful.  But jaded also equals mistrusting, skeptical, and in many cases, solitary.  The minimal trials and tribulations in my extremely privileged 26 years of life certainly haven’t come anywhere close to killing me.  But they have changed me, some for the better, some for the worse.  Do we generally ignore the latter for the sake of a saying?  Or to avoid having to say anything else about it at all?

I also wonder about the flip side.  Are there experiences that if they don’t last forever are good just to have had?  Is “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” the counterpart to “what doesn’t kill you”?  Why can’t we all just find comfort in knowing “this too shall pass” and be thankful we’ve experienced enough happiness to remind ourselves it’s possible and to remain open to it?  Maybe we already do and I just wanted to share my friend’s clever, yet poignant, remark…

Considering making jade my new stone of choice,

Jo’van

November 16, 2010
Categories: The World...As I See It (Everything Else), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Quarterlife Crisis: Making Happiness a Choice

The inspiration for this song may be a little different but in the end, Luther and I are saying the same thing.  Make the most of your current situation.  Luther Vandross “Love the One You’re With”

Recently I’ve been mulling over the idea of making happiness a choice.  People regularly seem to make conscious decisions to be unhappy, to focus on only the negative, to point out the faults of all those around them.  Is it possible to do the opposite?  Can you choose to be happy?

I’m not asking if we should choose to be delusional.  If something is wrong in your life, it’s simply wrong.  But following excellent grandma advice, why don’t more people spend time counting their blessings than listing their hardships?  If I counted my blessings instead of sheep to go to sleep, I’d always get to sleep.  They’re somewhat endless if I’m being honest and not selfish.

It seems for many people (myself often included) identifying your issues with a situation is always easier than finding comfort in what’s right.  Although this could apply to any possible life situation, as evident by the responses to a recent Facebook post along the same lines, it’s easy to equate this with romantic situations/relationships.  And why not?  People have a tendency to “settle” in romantic relationships probably more than any other situation.  Family: Well, you’re born with them.  Friends: You chose them and losing them is sad but maybe not the worse thing ever.  Work: Most people would enjoy doing something else but you’re getting a paycheck so… But boyfriends/girlfriends: You’re investing time and it can be difficult to admit that was a poor investment.  I’ve done it.  I’ve settled in the past for the chance at a fulfilling relationship only to be filled full of anger, hurt or absolute indifference.  Luckily, I’m not currently in a situation like that.  🙂  But I can understand the jumping to conclusions, people.

Anyway….My point is regardless of the type of situation you find yourself in can you choose to be happy?  To make the most of it and roll with the punches?  What does being miserable at work do for you?  Either look for another position or suck it up.  Bosses aren’t always going to see your potential or value your opinion and co-workers are not always going to work as hard as you do.  If you’re currently having a “thing” with a friend or family member, do you love that person enough to just squash it?  Sure, it may be something that needs to be dealt with so it’s not repeated but rather than fight to win, can you just fight to move on?  It’s exceptionally hard to pay your bills right now.  Is stressing about it going to help in any way?  Can you just be thankful that it’s “barely” instead of “impossible”?  You’ve gained weight or are losing your hair.  Sure, we’d all like to look or best but do you really look “bad” or just not your ideal? I’m sure you get my point.

Pessimism is part of my “thing”.  I’m a smart-ass who doesn’t let things slide and revels in tearing things apart.  However, that personality type is often very unhappy as well.  Sure, my reaction can cause a few laughs for others but it’s usually at the expense of someone/something else.  By making a conscious choice to be happy, I’m also having to make a conscious choice to be less judgmental.  I think that’s going to be hard….

Not miserable therefore very happy,

Jo’van

October 17, 2010
Categories: Quarterlife Crisis, Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 1 Comment

Romantic Cynic: Can’t Rationalize Away Missing Someone

Keri Hilson’s “Energy”

It’s been a few weeks since I returned to single (hopefully not fully returning to perpetual singledom but we’ll just have to see…) and I’m wondering why it continues to weigh on my mind.  It’s not that I’m taking it badly per se.  In fact, I’ve realized and rationalized this particular breakup enough to be able to list out what I learned and prepare to carry those lessons into the next relationship (maybe).  Plus, being two relatively mature and rational people, we ended things on “good terms.”  Neither hates the other person or feels overly guilty (my personal gauges for a clean break).   That’s great, right?

Normally upon ending a relationship, there are some strong feelings.  You either can’t stand the person and relish in being angry, are heartbroken and wallow in your misery, or know you didn’t treat that person fairly and hide from your guilt.  Those are all feelings I understand, can rationalize and know how to handle.  Unfortunately, I don’t find myself able to relate to any or just one of these reactions.

I am both hurt and angry that someone I cared about no longer cares about me.  Although I can’t help but wonder if I cared so much because he’d become a regular part of my life in a relatively short period of time or if I made him a regular part of my life in such a short period of time because I cared so much.  Semantics.  The important thing is that I cared, had gotten used to having him around and now he’s not.  A man I developed affection for was no longer willing to play an active role in my life.  And to be completely honest, I wasn’t all that willing to play the part he wanted me to play in his.

But I also feel a little guilty for not being able to ignore how my actions and emotions might have been interpreted and received.  I was told point-blank what was needed of me and I only gave what wasn’t vulnerable.  Although there were questionable and shady going-ons, I decided to just enjoy myself with him, with us.  So in addition to hurt, anger and guilt, I now just feel normal again; single, in control, not bitter but guarded.  The problem is that that normal is no longer necessarily the desired feeling.  I was enjoying feeling special again.

As I find myself evaluating this lose, I am annoyed that I genuinely miss him. But the thing that annoys me more is having to admit (and therefore address) that I miss us even more.

Missing a person is normal.  It’s natural.  It makes sense.  If you spend enough voluntary (important distinction) time with someone, you’re bound to grow fond of them, close to them.  If they happen to be attractive, available and of the gender of your preference, it’s quite possible that fondness could develop into a more physical expression.  Once they’re gone (for whatever reason), you’d have to be extremely cold or indifferent not to miss that person and/or being with them.

However, what I’m begrudgingly realizing is that I also really miss the thought and feeling of being a part of an us. I miss a hand on the small of my back.  A whispering baritone voice sending chills down my spine.  Hoping someone in particular left you that blinking message on your phone.  Knowing someone wants to see you after a long day at work.  Daydreaming.  Feeling attractive.  Worrying about being attractive for/to one person in particular rather than any and no one.  Having an excuse to even entertain the idea of being sexy.  Smiling for no reason anyone around you will understand.  Not wanting to be alone and having one person who’ll enjoy just being with you, no agendas.  Not understanding why but believing someone considers you more special and finding comfort in that.  I miss being a happy choice.

While it’d be great if we’d gotten comfortable enough to do and feel those things (consistently) for each other, I understand it simply wasn’t meant to happen for us.  And while I can’t possibly understand why it would be difficult to be in a relationship with me :-), there’s no point worrying why one person in particular wouldn’t choose to.  The most important thing to note is the “not.”  Not having it/him/us doesn’t make me less.  I’m perfectly happy, capable and whole single.  I’m used to single.  Single’s comfortable.  But as painful as it is for such a fiercely independent person to admit, having it/him/us did make me feel a little more.  I’m just kind of missing that more.  I’d forgotten that special.

Failing to rationalize away missing being someone to someone,

Jo’van

April 15, 2010
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Romantic Cynic: Not Reaping the Benefits

This song’s a bit more extreme than what I’m going through but aren’t most?  I heard it for the first time during my make-yourself-miserable phase of the mourning period and it stuck with me.  This is essentially what I felt he was saying to me.  Or maybe what I was hoping he was saying…  (Plus, I needed a guitar riff to honor the ex.  Most sappy r&b songs just don’t have those.)

Rascal Flatts “I Feel Bad”

I recently got out of a decent relationship with a good guy.  To be more specific, I was let go.  Much like being laid off, I saw it coming but just tried to keep smiling and pretend as if nothing was happening, waiting for the cloud to pass over.  No one wants to admit they were the one broken up with.  But I find a level of comfort in at least being intelligent and sensitive enough to not be surprised.

Anyway, 3 1/2 months in, things just weren’t working the way they should.  If we were really being honest with each other and ourselves, the same thing could’ve been said a little earlier.  1 1/2 months in, it wasn’t really working…enough.

We looked great on paper; considering the other person to be attractive, intelligent, intriguing, funny, promising.  A 14 year difference and “jungle fever” only made things more interesting.  (The latter not being a real issue but an issue just the same at times when I made it one.)

As much as I’d like to list out all of our problems and why I knew this wasn’t going to work and pat myself on the back for knowing ahead of time but trying, I just can’t.  Sure, there were things that made me raise an eyebrow or made him take a step back.  We liked different things.  When I was ready to slow down, he was ready to speed up.  Our life experiences were drastically different.  (Shit, he actually remembered the 80s! 🙂 )  His confidence can come off smug or arrogant.  My unease can come off defensive, or, worse, indifferent.  But in the end, I’d say it truly came down to one big thing that when ignored, made all of the small things eventually blow up in our faces.

This was the first “real” relationship I’ve had in quite some time, 8 years or so; of relationships altogether, nearly 4.  I don’t have a good explanation for such extreme breaks.  My feelings have been hurt.  I may have even been burned in the past.  But I can’t say that my heart was broken or that I was bitter.  Instead, I found some undue comfort in preventing those things.  Much like other actions generally tied to relationships, abstinence is the only true way to prevent…

For all intensive purposes, I would say this man is a good (not perfect, but good) man and, equally important, could have been good for me.  Unfortunately, I just wasn’t able to do what should come naturally.  Better said, I wouldn’t allow myself to do what did.

For whatever reason, I told myself not to get too excited.  I guess I thought if I kept my reactions calm and under control, I’d be able to prevent going overboard.  I went so far as to downplay my happiness and appreciation around friends, choosing to refer to him by a less than flattering but endearing nickname rather than simply using his name, avoiding the term boyfriend, trying so hard to not appear invested and vulnerable.  Unfortunately, that did not work for him and therefore we did not work.  I was actually dating a man who wanted to know what I was feeling and thinking about us.  He was the first one to speak of an us and call me his girlfriend.  I should have been ecstatic.

This is a longer post.  Depending on your reading speed, you might be in need of another song to get you through the second half.  Sade’s “Soldier of Love”

I was expecting games and slow, if at all, growth.  He offered (and similarly expected) straight honesty and a clear path to deeper.  Once I realized that he was being honest, not playing any games, I truly froze up.  I didnt’ know what to do.  It’s easy to dismiss and/or play along with something fake.  You just tell yourself you’re having a good time, going with the flow, intentionally not getting too invested, not even allowing yourself to daydream things’ll turn into something else.  Realizing someone you genuinely like may actually genuinely like you too should be exciting.  For me, however, it was terrifying and I, unfortunately and unintentionally, shut down.  Externally,  I was there, agreeing, participating, but not really giving.

I wanted to give.  Everything in me wanted to enjoy being happy and do what I could to try to make him as happy.  We both deserved that much.  And to be fair, I did give but it was only the things I’m generally comfortable giving.  I gave my time, my attention, my affection.  I didn’t give the things he went so far as to ask for; my emotions, concerns, fears, joys.

Every time I started to say or do something risky, I caught myself.  There weren’t any voices screaming in my head or flashbacks of horrible experiences.  I just didn’t trust myself, didn’t know how or where to start.  So I never did.  I was so worried what other people would think and whether my efforts/feelings would be understood or enough for him.  Unfortunately, instead of appearing scared, I simply appeared cold.  I cared way more than I let on and nobody understood that until I was upset it was lost.  I did a great job of protecting myself.  (Go me!)  In a sad way, I think I knew not trying would end it but at least I’d play some part in the decision; feeling  some sense of control albeit not positive.

While I wish I could have stepped up and done whatever my head/heart/gut wanted to do in the moment in this situation instead of overthinking and running, I still don’t really have any regrets.  I WILL be that woman eventually, maybe even as soon as next time.  I have the capacity.  I just didn’t have the confidence.  And I think it took me experiencing something that could have been real, could have been something, and essentially ruining it to get it.  His inability, or better unwillingness, to stick around hoping anymore very well might’ve been the swift kick in the ass I needed to wake up.

Despite our failure as a couple, I’m very happy to have considered this man a part of my life.  I don’t know if we’ll be friends but hope we’ll at least be friendly.  If I had a regret, it would be that he won’t be able to reap the benefits of his frustrations with me.  I’ve given more to less deserving people.  (Sad commentary, I know.)  Well…actually… I probably haven’t.  They just got more of the same…

I think I needed a  buffer to get me back into the mindset of dating to do more than satisfy a curiosity or a feeling of loneliness.  I needed something shallow for the sake of shallow but fun, a test run if you will, to get me ready for something potentially real.  Too bad this opportunity, this man didn’t come along after that buffer, rather than partially serving as it.  Things might’ve been different.  We still might not have worked out but it would’ve been because of something that happened between us, rather than something everyone from my mother to bandmate recognize to just be a part of who I am (right now), an onion if you will.  (Please note the Shrek reference.)
But he didn’t come along later, things aren’t different and you know, that’s just fine.  I’m just fine either way.

(Although, I must say, it’s a little frustrating not to be able to say something promising failed because it wasn’t meant to be, rather than being able to narrow it down to your inability to accept being happy as a realistic option.  A really wordy way to say we might’ve still failed but I wish I hadn’t have given myself an easy out.)

Ending the mourning process,

Jo’van

March 27, 2010
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 2 Comments

Friendly Drama: Friends with “More Than Friends”

When you reach a certain age, you and your friends start to find “more than friends.”  Romantic relationships are healthy, wonderful, fun, etc.  Aside from nuns, priests and people who hate all human interaction, most people hope to eventually be in some lasting relationship.  Not everyone’s into marriage but something steady with someone you care about, are attracted to and can trust?  That’s gotta sound pretty good.

One phenomenon that I notice generally with women is ignoring their platonic friendships.  While I’m sure this happens with men on some level, I have less experience in that area so I’ll just stick with attacking the ladies.  Anything new in your life takes up time that may have allocated for something else.  And unlike a new job or a hobby, a new person in your life requires A LOT of one-on-one time.  You have to figure out who this person is, what they like to do, what you have in common, what drives you crazy about them, what you couldn’t live without, what you never knew you’d like, etc.  But you also have to remember the people and things that were in your life before this person.

It’s always amazed me the way some people can completely change how they live there lives when romance becomes part of the picture.  I’m not saying I’d be above this unfortunate generality but since I’ve avoided the second part of the scenario, I can still feel justified in my condemnation.

When your friend first disappears into the shadow/car/arms/bed/whatever of their new beau, all is pretty much forgiven.  They’re in the honeymoon period.  Let them have their fun.  However, when this new situation begins to affect YOUR normal life, it starts to become a problem.  When your old road dog/concert attendee/danceclub partner/movie buddy refuses keep things “the way they always were”, as the forgotten friend, you have to decide how much you’re willing to forgive and accept.

We’re not married to our friends.  As evident by the happily (or just long) married couples I know, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend.  All other friends are essentially utilized to share or vent about the things your significant other doesn’t/can’t understand.  This all sounds great.  It makes sense.  But living it for the first time is different.

I’m 25.  At this age, (while none of my immediate friends) a lot of people are already married or at least engaged.  I have friends moving in with their boy/girlfriends, buying furniture together, planning extended vacations, discussing rings, spending every available night together.  Despite the tone of this post, I am genuinely happy for them.  If they’ve found someone/something that truly makes them happy, how could I not be?  As a real friend, I have to support.

However, as the friend who’s found a “someone”, you have to decide if your friendships are strong enough to withstand your honeymoon period (no matter how long it lasts).  I may love you forever but that doesn’t mean that after 6 months of being ignored, I’m going to be all that open to keeping you busy just because your man’s out of town.  I might just tell you to kiss my ass.  🙂

Like romantic relationships, friendships take time and courtesy.  We may not be going to bed together but friends do make uncomfortable sacrifices of their time for each other.  It’s just part of it.  Some people can maintain both worlds but the only way to do that is value it.  If you left me, you may have to put in work to get back in my good graces or just drift off…

One common misconception is that it’s the significant other’s fault.  Sure, they can influence what you do, who you see and how often BUT the ultimate decision, and therefore fault, lies with the friend.  Unless violence is an issue, no one can make your friend do anything they didn’t want to.  You may not like the boy/girlfriend but it’s never right to blame the stress or dissolution of your friendship on them.

As non-family members, friends don’t HAVE to love you.  They choose to.  Remember to appreciate that choice.  Not being friends can just be easier, even for the one not searching to make time for it.  Play with your friends, go home to your honey.  (Unless of course you live with your friends.  In that case, go to your boy/girlfriend’s house.  There’s no point in making your friend uncomfortable or feeling unwelcome/uninvited in their own home.  That’s a whole new level of stress.)

Weighing the pros and cons of living alone,

Jo’van

October 29, 2009
Categories: Friendly Drama (The Ones You Choose), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: Leave a comment

Romantic Cynic: Rebounding from Single?

Beautiful song.  The live performance is even better than the album.  But I’m just not here yet.  Do I have to be?

India.Aire “Ready for Love”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

So I’ve written a lot about being single/alone/lonely lately.  And while I have no new stories to tell to change any of that, I started thinking about something and would love to hear what you think.  Is it possible to rebound from being single?

Context:  A number of friends of mine are newly single.  (The term newly is relative to the person and how long they were in a relationship.)  A group of us are in fact celebrating “Single Ladies Night” or something like that this weekend.  Each one of these newly singled people have experienced a rebound period.  Now, I understand that technically everyone is a rebound after your first [fill in the blank] but for the purpose of this post, let’s consider a rebound to be the traditional possible-mistake-fun-temporary-distraction-from-your-loneliness-attractive person.

We often tell ourselves that rebounds are acceptable as long as you recognize them as being just that, something to make yourself feel better and to eventually move past.  Okay, okay.  You get out of a relationship.  You get to “play around” for a while.  That’s simple enough.  But what’s it called when you’re reintroducing yourself to the possibility of the opposite sex (or same, whatever works for you) after a not-so-brief hiatus?  Are you allowed to rebound from a long-term relationship with yourself?

That question may sound odd but stick with me.  Of course, as with everything on this blog, this question is intensely personal, but I think it’s a valid question for discussion.  Let’s say you have someone who’s avoided any type of more than platonic relationship for, say, 2 years or more.  And let’s also add that that person’s no longer of college age or mentality.  Does this person have to jump into something, date with a higher purpose, or put any other such limitations on themselves?  Can they just treat this time as a rebound period to eventually move past?

Leaving perpetual singledom, a place with total control of your actions, emotions and circumstances, can be scary if not handled delicately.  Is there room for working your way back in, the kiddie pool of dating?  Yeah, that sounds about right; shallow, instantly warmer than the big pool and no need for the assistance of a ladder out.

Of course, no one should enter a relationship prematurely, just because it sounds like the “adult” thing to do.  But if you’re not emotionally scarred, do you have an excuse to be selfish, blinded by temporary intrigue, or even, heaven forbid, opportunistic?  I’m not saying I’ve done any of this….  But I’m also not saying I’m not capable.  IF (yes, big if) a long-term single were to partake in some temporary intrigue, can you call it a rebound?  Or are there other choice terms they’d be labeled with?

Hypothecially asking of course….

Jo’van

July 16, 2009
Categories: Romantic Cynic (Love And Lookalikes), Whole Truth, The . Tags: , , , , , . Author: tjovand . Comments: 4 Comments

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